Pekelover2

Exercise has always been my thing. I’m not crazy athletic. But I got bit by the running bug when I was a scientist working in neurolobiology. I was in a department of 82 other people, the majority of them were men. And they would all run at lunchtime. So to be able to hear what it was they were talking about (new ideas, new receptors, new cloning techniques) etc. I decided to learn how to run. I was 28.
Fast forward and I also picked up cycling, weight training etc. (I’ve also been scuba diving since I was 19!)

My husband is a very naturally thin man. But over the last decade, he is gotten a bit of a potbelly. He’s also on anti-hypertensive medication’s. On his night off, he drinks. I won’t get into that because that’s not really why I am posting. But suffice it to say that I am worried about his health and well-being. He eats like a 14-year-old boy. I cook for him and he will try to eat better. But during the overnight I see remnants of junk food. Which I’m guiltly of buying for him. His favorite hobby is to drink wine and okay videos games after a long (and I mean LONG 15+ hour shift) in the er.

I have done a lot of awful things when I have been drunk. If you look at some of my posts, you will see what they are. I have hurt him a lot and said a lot of awful things, and just basically made a fool of myself. I’ve also given him a lot of reason to worry as he works night shift and it’s always leaving the house wondering what I will do. So let’s not forget that. I’ve hurt him A LOT. A LOT.

Now that I’m trying to get sober, I have asked him to join me in the fitness journey. My husband never works out. He cannot do a single sit up. He bought a bike several years ago but never rides it. And so the idea was that he was going to slowly start to work out. Even though this is new for him, he seem to be on board. But unless I remind him he forgets and doesn’t do it. Or he complains while he’s doing it. Or he gets angry.

His father died at age 57 of a rare cancer. I am worried that my husband is headed down a similar path. I never wanted to be a wife that nagged. I think for the most part we get along very well. We have similar interests. And I didn’t mind that exercise was “my thing”. But honestly, sometimes I see him and his pallor is awful, he looks sickly. And although his weight isn’t technically an issue, I can see that he is getting heavy in the mid section which is everyone knows it’s a huge warning for many diseases.

Also, being able to workout together (as opposed to my doing it with my friends) was a dream that I’ve always had. I’m tired of cycling wiht “the guys”.

Idk what I’m saying. Maybe I’m just scared for myself. Because I really was hoping that we could exercise on a regular basis. Ann has all of you know you can’t be hung over and do that. But what right do I have to ask him to do this? Maybe I’ll just keep focusing on myself. I don’t know why now it’s so important for him to start working out with me. Maybe it’s because I’m truly serious about getting sober and I don’t wanna spend so much time alone.

I’d appreciate any feedback.

Thank you all.

RAL

I'm no expert on exercise, far from it, but have had 2 husbands and know that trying to enforce our ideas about what they should do onto them never ends well.

I think you're right in that just keep focusing on yourself. It can be really hard to go from no exercise to a lot -maybe suggest a weekend walk or something more gentle. He knows how hard you exercise and probably knows he will be no where near your level. Maybe he is embarrassed or just not that bothered about exercise. Of course we 'should' all do it but it's not for everyone.

Maybe focus on what you can control-yourself and your journey. Suggest mild weekend walks, nothing too onerous, cut out buying the junk food. If he wants junk he can buy it himself. If it were me I would express my concerns about health etc gently. But even if he does decide to exercise it might be away from you doing something more gentle as he will know you are way out of his league, if that makes sense

biminiblue

Getting sober shines a giant spotlight on all those areas in life that are less than ideal.

I have to say - I don't like cycling. If someone thought I should cycle I'd have to give that a hard pass. I did it in the past, rode several 100+mile rides - I have less than zero desire to ever get on a bike again. I do have other active things I really like.

I think you have to let go. It's super hard to face aging, let alone face the not-so-graceful aging of people we love. However, it's a lot easier to just worry about my own self. That's the only place I have any real influence. I think it's pretty normal to want to help a spouse, and it's just as normal for them to chaff against that...for lots of reasons.

Pekelover2

RAL:
“ I think you're right in that just keep focusing on yourself. It can be really hard to go from no exercise to a lot -maybe suggest a weekend walk or something more gentle. He knows how hard you exercise and probably knows he will be no where near your level. Maybe he is embarrassed or just not that bothered about exercise. Of course we 'should' all do it but it's not for everyone.”

I think you’re right. Thank you so much.

Pekelover2

Bimini:
“ I think you have to let go. It's super hard to face aging, let alone face the not-so-graceful aging of people we love. However, it's a lot easier to just worry about my own self. That's the only place I have any real influence. I think it's pretty normal to want to help a spouse, and it's just as normal for them to chaff against that...for lots of reasons.”

Thank you. I believe you’re correct. I’ll just let this go. But I’m sure that I’ll feel some resentment. Idk if that makes sense. 😔

RAL

I think that's a good analysis Peke about resentment. Is the resentment about him not getting fitter or that you resent him not exercising when you so so you can do it together. It's the expectation that leads to resentment

i know for me understanding why I have resentments, accepting my part in it and working it then tends to make it go away -again accepting only what i can control.

venuscat

It sounds like your husband needs to keep a better eye on his health and eating, but you can't force him to do that.
If it were me, I would stop buying the junk food though. s

Hawkeye13

My husband has gone from thin and fairly fit to dangerously overweight and he doesn’t exercise, and he still drinks.

Yes, of course it bothers me and many times I have tried to get him “on board” to take care of his health and maybe walk or join a gym with me. Yes, I resented (and still do at times) what his lack of self-care might mean for our future and my being forced into a caregiver role down the road. It’s scary and I care about him.

But all my attempts to control what he should do (there’s that pesky “should” again ) hasn’t worked yet. No adult like to be bossed around by their spouse, no matter how good their intentions may be.

However, I did realize something almost two years ago now.
And it was that I was able to deflect my own failure to stop drinking for good by focusing on what he wasn’t doing instead of staying in my own lane and fixing my own life.

The funny thing is that my best ever permanent sobriety success has come from stopping trying to control him, and facing the huge elephant in my health and wellness which was my continued problem with binge drinking with periods of sobriety.

That focus shift has changed everything.

Pekelover2

“ If it were me, I would stop buying the junk food though.‘
You’re right, Venus. I will

Pekelover2

“However, I did realize something almost two years ago now.
And it was that I was able to deflect my own failure to stop drinking for good by focusing on what he wasn’t doing instead of staying in my own lane and fixing my own life.”
You’re so right, Hawkeye.
And I feel like I’m focusing on him because I’m trying to deflect my own failures at trying to be sober and healthy. I need to stay in my own lane.

Still, it’s difficult to watch this. And I’m lonely. Really lonely.
Thank you all so much. This was incredibly helpful.

venuscat

And thank you for sharing your story with us, dear Peke. I can just see it in my mind...young Peke running with all those guys at lunchtime....and talking about genetic coding and scientific breakthroughs. 💗

venuscat

I am not going to be popular here, but I don't think there are "lanes" in a marriage. I think it is two people on one road, together.

Hawkeye13

You will always be popular here Suze

I hear what you are saying about marriage being a joint effort—there must be some overlap and melding for things to work—yes, I agree with that.

I mean the “lane” metaphor more narrowly in this usage, however. I might have better to label it “recovery lane” in that I cannot dictate the terms of my spouse’s recovery any more than he was able to dictate the terms of my recovery.

He can’t take the bottle from my lips just as I cannot walk five miles for him to improve his cardio markers.

We are together, and we can encourage, but once the person has heard their spouse’s encouragement over and over, it becomes white noise or even a negative for behavioral change.

I have moved from concerned partner to nagger. He tunes me out and does the opposite to show he is an adult capable of making his own decisions.

I don’t like these negative health choices, and I don’t think they are good for him or our.marriage, but I have to allow him to make them as he allowed me to choose to drink or quit drinking.

I don’t know if this makes much sense—what were you thinking in terms of “lane” meaning?

venuscat

It makes SO much sense. And I really do see what you mean, and I totally agree that our recovery lane is definitely our own path. 💗

fishkiller

I was blessed with a high metabolism. I do eat pretty healthy but I eat alot.
My wife, not so much so I understand where you are coming from and believe me my forehead has the scars from the brick wall to prove it.
I pray for the day she takes her health serious but I do not look for it as after this long odds are she won't change.
But I pray for it. I will support her 100% if SHE decides to but the days of trying to knock down the wall with my head are over.

Change is very difficult as we all know. Not everyone has the power or even wants to change.

I envy your love of exercise. Even though I am a very active hard working person I really need an exercise regimen to fight this aging thing but man is it hard to get started.

Steely

The more I focus on what I believe another should do, the more I ignore what I should be doing. Part of that for me is not trying to control another's behaviour. It's there life, not mine.

And I'm grateful that they've got a life to do with as they please. That's everybody's right, thank goodness. And I'll support that right to the hilt.

Let it go, I say, it takes the pressure off the controller and leaves them to lead there own good life.

Anna

Peke, there is so much good advice in these posts. As Bim said, getting sober shines a giant spotlight on all those areas in life that are less than ideal. This is SO true. And, as Steely said, The more I focus on what I believe another should do, the more I ignore what I should be doing. Let it go.