My fiancé is in rehab and I’m scared of what will come
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 7
My fiancé is in rehab and I’m scared of what will come
My fiancé being in rehab right now. I am about to attend the family sessions tomorrow and the next.
I have been having a lot of the same feelings that you were having! She relapsed before we met, but from what I understood she was sober and come to find out well 10 times I find out she has been drinking the whole time. I finally told her to the rehab or I’m gone. She chose rehab. It has been so difficult, 30 days where she is building all these new friendships and new relationships and I feel like I’m just sitting here waiting. Add on that. I am also taking care of her two kids while she is in rehab. So being a single dad when I’ve never been to Dad before is a whole new experience.
I feel like I’m investing so much, and I feel like she has gotten a break from reality for a bit. Even though I know that that’s not the case, and they are extremely busy in rehab, I still can’t shake the feeling that I am still struggling with the pain that she has caused, and she is having a grand old time with these new friends that she’s making. When I talk to her on the phone, she tells me all about this stuff, but very rarely. Do I get to talk about the stuff going on in my life and in my head.
I’m scared, I’m staying with it, but I’m scared. And I’m fearful of the next couple of days and where these conversations will lead. I hope to God that she finally sticks with being sober. But then another part of me says is relaxing available? Can I handle one more time? Can I handle two more times? Can I handle the thought of is she ever going to do this again for the rest of my life?
Mind you I am not a perfect person, and I have my faults so I can’t judge anybody, but how do I shake this god-awful feeling that I am investing so much into something that’s inevitably gonna just fail?
I have been having a lot of the same feelings that you were having! She relapsed before we met, but from what I understood she was sober and come to find out well 10 times I find out she has been drinking the whole time. I finally told her to the rehab or I’m gone. She chose rehab. It has been so difficult, 30 days where she is building all these new friendships and new relationships and I feel like I’m just sitting here waiting. Add on that. I am also taking care of her two kids while she is in rehab. So being a single dad when I’ve never been to Dad before is a whole new experience.
I feel like I’m investing so much, and I feel like she has gotten a break from reality for a bit. Even though I know that that’s not the case, and they are extremely busy in rehab, I still can’t shake the feeling that I am still struggling with the pain that she has caused, and she is having a grand old time with these new friends that she’s making. When I talk to her on the phone, she tells me all about this stuff, but very rarely. Do I get to talk about the stuff going on in my life and in my head.
I’m scared, I’m staying with it, but I’m scared. And I’m fearful of the next couple of days and where these conversations will lead. I hope to God that she finally sticks with being sober. But then another part of me says is relaxing available? Can I handle one more time? Can I handle two more times? Can I handle the thought of is she ever going to do this again for the rest of my life?
Mind you I am not a perfect person, and I have my faults so I can’t judge anybody, but how do I shake this god-awful feeling that I am investing so much into something that’s inevitably gonna just fail?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
HI Scaredbutstayin. Well, it can seem like that (a break from reality) and to some degree, it is.
The thing is, if you do intend to stay, this may be the only thing that will save your relationship. So it's a choice if that is what you want, to continue.
I would recommend reading around the forum here and learning as much as you can about alcoholism (not for her, for you). There are no guarantees she won't start drinking again, but she may not, only time will tell.
Maybe, when she returns and things have settled a bit, you can take even a mini getaway alone? Maybe a retreat of some kind?
You know, rehab is not magic, she has a long road ahead. It could take months or a year, to get a really firm footing in sobriety and to solve at least some of the issues that got her here in the first place.
But truly, recovery will be for life. She can never drink again, not even one drink, or she may well end up right back where she was. Alcoholism is progressive and the addiction never leaves.
You may never have actually known her as a non-drinking person, she might even be quite different, less extroverted - can't say, that's another time will tell thing. Also, when she does leave, being outside rehab and staying sober may be a real challenge as well. She will need lots of support (from professionals and groups).
Just remember, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Have you looked at attending Al Anon? It's for friends and family of alcoholics, you might find it helpful. You need support too, you have it here, don't hesitate to post.
The thing is, if you do intend to stay, this may be the only thing that will save your relationship. So it's a choice if that is what you want, to continue.
I would recommend reading around the forum here and learning as much as you can about alcoholism (not for her, for you). There are no guarantees she won't start drinking again, but she may not, only time will tell.
Maybe, when she returns and things have settled a bit, you can take even a mini getaway alone? Maybe a retreat of some kind?
You know, rehab is not magic, she has a long road ahead. It could take months or a year, to get a really firm footing in sobriety and to solve at least some of the issues that got her here in the first place.
But truly, recovery will be for life. She can never drink again, not even one drink, or she may well end up right back where she was. Alcoholism is progressive and the addiction never leaves.
You may never have actually known her as a non-drinking person, she might even be quite different, less extroverted - can't say, that's another time will tell thing. Also, when she does leave, being outside rehab and staying sober may be a real challenge as well. She will need lots of support (from professionals and groups).
Just remember, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Have you looked at attending Al Anon? It's for friends and family of alcoholics, you might find it helpful. You need support too, you have it here, don't hesitate to post.
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Hi and Welcome,
I understand that you are scared and concerned right now. I hope that the family sessions will be helpful for you and that it will give you a chance to express your concerns. You are right, you're investing a lot in this relationship, including taking care of her children. You need to decide if you can handle the uncertainty that will exist. I hope your fiance gets sober and stays in recovery, but of course, there is uncertainty. What do you want for yourself?
I understand that you are scared and concerned right now. I hope that the family sessions will be helpful for you and that it will give you a chance to express your concerns. You are right, you're investing a lot in this relationship, including taking care of her children. You need to decide if you can handle the uncertainty that will exist. I hope your fiance gets sober and stays in recovery, but of course, there is uncertainty. What do you want for yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 7
Trailmix, thank you so much for your insight. I can’t imagine how it must be to have that kinda pressure coming out of rehab. I really didn’t take that into consideration to be honest.
I also worry if who she is sober, and who I am when she is not drinking are going to be compatible. I have put a lot of thought into that.
I need to go to Al Anon. I think it would definitely help.
I want this to last. And will do the work, I am just scared.
I also worry if who she is sober, and who I am when she is not drinking are going to be compatible. I have put a lot of thought into that.
I need to go to Al Anon. I think it would definitely help.
I want this to last. And will do the work, I am just scared.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 142
I think you should listen to that "god-awful feeling." That is your gut instinct speaking to you.
The fact is, a very large percentage of alcoholics relapse in the first year out of rehab. The odds are not in your favor that she will not pick up a drink within a short time of coming home. And you are now much more entwined, as you are the primary caregiver to her children for 30 days, and your part has even deeper consequences as a result. Because how those kids feel matters deeply. And they will almost certainly think they have caused whatever problem is happening on any given day between the two of you.
I strongly suggest you put space between you and her for several months. It's the mature choice. Then you can reassess.
Do not marry her during a pink cloud moment. And do not expect her to work on your relationship. It will be challenge enough for her to get well and be a fit parent to those children. If she does not meet that challenge--if she drinks again, which is highly probable--then her family will need to assume responsibility for the children. THEY are who counts in all of this.
Distance is what I recommend. Your gut is your friend right now.
The fact is, a very large percentage of alcoholics relapse in the first year out of rehab. The odds are not in your favor that she will not pick up a drink within a short time of coming home. And you are now much more entwined, as you are the primary caregiver to her children for 30 days, and your part has even deeper consequences as a result. Because how those kids feel matters deeply. And they will almost certainly think they have caused whatever problem is happening on any given day between the two of you.
I strongly suggest you put space between you and her for several months. It's the mature choice. Then you can reassess.
Do not marry her during a pink cloud moment. And do not expect her to work on your relationship. It will be challenge enough for her to get well and be a fit parent to those children. If she does not meet that challenge--if she drinks again, which is highly probable--then her family will need to assume responsibility for the children. THEY are who counts in all of this.
Distance is what I recommend. Your gut is your friend right now.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Originally Posted by Scaredbutstayin 
Trailmix, thank you so much for your insight. I can’t imagine how it must be to have that kinda pressure coming out of rehab. I really didn’t take that into consideration to be honest.
I also worry if who she is sober, and who I am when she is not drinking are going to be compatible. I have put a lot of thought into that.
I need to go to Al Anon. I think it would definitely help.
I want this to last. And will do the work, I am just scared.
I also worry if who she is sober, and who I am when she is not drinking are going to be compatible. I have put a lot of thought into that.
I need to go to Al Anon. I think it would definitely help.
I want this to last. And will do the work, I am just scared.
There is a book often recommended here, Codependent no More, by Melody Beattie. It's not a heavy read but it talks about boundaries in relationships which you might find really helpful going forward.
I see you are going to a family session tomorrow, that is a great opportunity, as was mentioned in the other thread, to say what you are thinking and feeling. I hope you will update us afterward.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 7
Trailmix, you know that is something I can’t answer. I have not been able to do a whole lot that I like in a long time. Jumping into the step Dad role after being single for 39 years was an adjustment. I can tell you what I used to like doing: being outside, going for walks in the state park, the dog park with my dog(we don’t go now cause her dog is not fixed) rock climbing, camping, karaoke, a lot actually! Since being with her it’s up in the morning getting kids ready, taking them to school, working picking them up taking care of them and rinse and repeat. I honestly kinda lost who was. I have felt isolated. I don’t see friends or family as much as I’d like.
I am glad I’m going to this too. I’m hoping really hoping that it is going to help us both set healthy boundaries, and allow us to be honest and vulnerable. I will definitely update you guys after this. I’m sure I will have a lot more insite coming out of the family education days. Atleast I hope!
I am glad I’m going to this too. I’m hoping really hoping that it is going to help us both set healthy boundaries, and allow us to be honest and vulnerable. I will definitely update you guys after this. I’m sure I will have a lot more insite coming out of the family education days. Atleast I hope!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 7
Well guys, I came out of family education with a very good and optimistic perspective. She looked really good. And sounded good. I also realize that I need to take a step back. I need to focus on myself. And let her focus on herself. I’ve been to a couple of online Al-Anon and honestly it was much needed. I could not believe that literally everything that they were saying as I was just listening was almost like they were in my head taking my thoughts and my experiences. I’m going to continue going to Al Anon, and I’m gonna continue to work on myself. And let her work on her self. And try my best to not try to control the outcome of anything.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
I'm so glad you came away from it deciding to focus on yourself, that's great!
Truly, it's all you can do. But, as nice and good as it sounds, putting it in to practice can be challenging. It's easier sometimes to fit back in to our well worn grooves.
It takes a concerted effort, every day, until it becomes almost second nature (kind of like quitting drinking!). Some people also struggle with the guilt, feeling they should be looking out for everyone else. But you know, it's not selfish, it will make you a more contented and happier person if you do the work to get there and (secondary) that has to be good for everyone right?
Also really good that you are connecting in Al Anon.
Truly, it's all you can do. But, as nice and good as it sounds, putting it in to practice can be challenging. It's easier sometimes to fit back in to our well worn grooves.
It takes a concerted effort, every day, until it becomes almost second nature (kind of like quitting drinking!). Some people also struggle with the guilt, feeling they should be looking out for everyone else. But you know, it's not selfish, it will make you a more contented and happier person if you do the work to get there and (secondary) that has to be good for everyone right?
Also really good that you are connecting in Al Anon.
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