Pekelover2

I have explained ad nauseam, that my mother abused me in a horrific way for many years. When I escaped that torture and moved in with my father, my life was a lot better. But there was a lot of damage.
In DBT, we are taught to find ways to soothe ourselves from trauma. You have to find what works for you. It can be anything from taking a hot bath to petting your dog, to sipping hot chocolate, to listening to classical music, etc. For myself alcohol has always been a way to soothe myself. I know that a lot of people would say that drinking numbs your mind. Alcohol does that as well. For myself it’s always felt like a tremendous **hug**. I know I’m awful for saying that. And I don’t mean to trigger anybody! But I miss that. I miss my alcohol hug.
Right now, my one Pekingese is next to me. And I’m petting her. I can see how much she loves me! And this is very soothing. And this is much better than drinking. How could I ever choose alcohol over this sweet face?
Thanks for listening.

least

I like going to sleep with Billie. After she licks me, I tell her to lie down and snuggle with mom, and in a few minutes, she does. I reach my arm down and hold her. She makes me feel so peaceful and content. One of the biggest reasons I quit drinking was to take better care of my dogs. That was great inspiration and motivation for getting sober.

Hug your doggies, hold them close. They will help you get thru your day.

Dee74

I don't know PL - if its a hug, its a hug from a vicious callous selfish and toxic partner.

The further I get away from it, the more it feels like a choke hold more than a hug.

There are ways to self sooth and relax that don't involve selling your soul...y'know?

D

snitch

I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through that with your mum, a mums job is to unconditionally love and nurture their child. Your mum failed you.

I didn’t have that experience but I did have some trauma in my late teens and I probably used alcohol in the same way. It probably was my “hug” at first but that hug quickly turned into a hold so tight it was squeezing the life out of me .

I believe that once we have crossed a certain line then the power of choice has been lost. I love my daughter to death and a hug from her means everything and yet I continued to drink. I know now I wasn’t choosing alcohol over her , I had lost that choice. I didn’t know how not to drink. Thank God I have tools today to stop me picking up that first one .

I haven’t read your back story, I don’t know what brought you here, but maybe ponder the thought that if alcohol was so great and provided you with the comfort you needed, you would still be drinking.
Alcohol is a liar, It isn’t your friend, it doesn’t want to comfort you it wants to destroy you.

im not sure how long you have been sober for but I promise you it gets easier it really does, I literally lost all thoughts of alcohol after I had been sober for a while it was amazing.

you pet your beautiful dogs, be mindful and present as you do so , enjoy their love for you but also see the joy in them that you bring to their lives! It feels good to know you are making someone or something happy 😊

And when you start thinking you miss alcohol tell that thought to bugger off , remind yourself what alcohol really is , a liar, a fraud, a delusion . alcohol doesn’t make anything better but I think you already know that ,

well done for sharing though , it’s good to get these thoughts out of our heads it takes the power out of them.

have a nice Pepsi zero instead whilst cuddling your beautiful doggies 😉😊

Lixie

Dee is right, Peke. That hug is from an abuser, an evil, manipulating abuser that has convinced you that you can't live without him. That is the worst kind of abuse. Instead, listen to your favorite music, snuggle your dogs, take them for a mindful walk where you use all your senses and take in all the wonderful things that are out there. Practice gratitude, do something for someone else. There are so many ways to self soothe that aren't toxic.

You deserve to be happy, love.

Pekelover2

Thank you Least. There have been so many nights when I have gotten completely blackout, drunk, and realized that the entire evening was gone. Sometimes I passed out without even walking my dogs! To say that I’ve neglected them would be an understatement. People who don’t know that I drink think I’m a great dog mom. If they only knew the truth.

Pekelover2

“ im not sure how long you have been sober for but I promise you it gets easier it really does, I literally lost all thoughts of alcohol after I had been sober for a while it was amazing.

you pet your beautiful dogs, be mindful and present as you do so , enjoy their love for you but also see the joy in them that you bring to their lives! It feels good to know you are making someone or something happy 😊”
Thank you for these kind and wise words snitch!

Pekelover2

“ Practice gratitude, do something for someone else. There are so many ways to self soothe that aren't toxic.

You deserve to be happy, love. ”
Gosh thank you Lixie! You make me feel like I am at the winning end of this battle by not drinking. I always forget that. I always forget that alcohol is toxic. It’s not comforting.

snitch

Peke I’m sure you are an amazing dog mum!

ugh this is why I hate alcohol soooo much !

I’ve let my daughter down when I’ve drink. Before I got sober on 2018 , about 6 months before, I woke up (came to!) in bed , I learnt over to check in my daughter to make sure she was still breathing as I had no recollection at all of the night before , feeding her, bathing her, putting her to bed. I went to an AA meeting that day sobbing and yet I STILL drank after that.

I don’t have dogs but I have a house bunny. I had 2. Marley was the sweetest rabbit ever. She would jump up next to me and cuddle into me and fall asleep whilst I stroked her. I loved her so much. One morning , after a heavy night of drinking, I got up and was in the kitchen, I was sweating , it was hot but sweating from the alcohol, I opened the kitchen door for a bit. About half hour later I **** it. I didn’t know Marley had gone outside. About 2 hours later I put her food out, Bailey my other hun was eating away, but no Marley. I looked for her everywhere , no sign. Went outside, no sign. Then I saw it. A patch of fur with blood on it. I never ever let the bunnies out early as the foxes are still around . My beautiful baby was gone . I was devastated, still am. I went to an AA meeting. Cried. Swore off of alcohol for good. I still drank after that.

I am not that person when I drink. I am not neglectful, it was all down to alcohol. Not that I don’t take any responsibility. I’m the one chugging it down my throat. But I am an alcoholic, and I was in active alcoholism at the time .

but we have another chance !
I’m not going to think about tomorrow or next week or next month. I just have to not drink today. Today I will use my tools to have a sober day, if I’m sober then my daughter is safe, my bunny is safe. At least in my care they are.

I will do whatever it takes now to not drink.

our family deserves it, our pets deserve it but most of all we deserve it ❤️❤️

Lixie

You ARE winning, Peke! Remember, you don't have to take on the whole war right now, it is all about the little battles, fighting that AV by thinking of all the good things in your life, looking for glimmers when it is dark, letting the light in when you just want to shut the drapes. YOU are in command, and YOU can make a better life for yourself. Remember, the best revenge is living a good life. Whenever you feel the past catching up on you, grab a pen and paper and notice the thoughts that rage in your head and the things that you feel in your body. Write them down, all of it. And breathe. Breathe deep breaths and tell yourself that you are safe, that the past can't hurt you. You are in control of your own life, and you won't let those past experiences define who you are right now.

And then, when you are calm, go through what you wrote down. What can you learn from them? I learned yesterday that "the memory isn't for remembering what happened to us, memory is there to extract out from the past lessons to structure the future. You are done with a memory when you have extracted out the information you can use to guide yourself properly in the future. So if you have a traumatic memory, that is really obsessing you, if you analyze that memory, to the point where you figured out how you put yourself at risk and you can determine how you might avoid that in the future.Then the emotion assosiated with that goes away. So memories have a pragmatic function."

I have had a very traumatic childhood, and I suffered from PTSD for a long time. But I have learned not only to live with it, I have used it to become stronger than I have ever been. And you can do that too, love.

ToughChoices

Human brains are adapted for survival. When we are scared/sad/angry and discover a chemical “solution”, our brains WORK! They say, “Do this! Drink this! It helps!”

But the long-term helpfulness just isn’t there.

Today, I forgive myself for using alcohol/meds as a coping mechanism. I did it because it helped me cope! Temporarily.

I have much better options now.

Removing the false embrace of a substance allows me to embrace EVERYTHING else.

fishkiller

Our AV Loves to convince us we Need alcohol. We miss alcohol. Alcohol soothes us.
It's ALL bs.
You don't miss alcohol. Alcohol misses you.
We all have issues. We all have problems. We all need a hug now and then. We all have had the battle with the AV.

Stop entertaining the AV.
Cut it off immediately.
Any thoughts romanticizing alcohol is AV.
AKA bs.

As long as you pretend to miss alcohol you will struggle.

DriGuy

Early on, I did get a glow from alcohol. One of the things that happens as alcoholism progresses is that hug disappears. But we still drink, and that is often referred to as "chasing the hug," although the common expression is "chasing the high." But the hug doesn't suddenly become unavailable. Over time, the hug slowly diminishes in intensity and duration, causing us to drink more, because we have been unconsciously programmed to equate drinking with pleasure. As this transition progresses, we get less hug and more drunk, and eventually all we get is drunk.

So stop and think about whether you are still getting the hug you deserve or are you just getting mostly drunk while you chase the hug. This was something I noticed on my own, but later I understood it better when the chemistry and psychology was explained. In the later stages, the hug doesn't even matter, because as addiction sets in, you are now drinking to calm the cravings and withdrawal. Of course, you still want the hug that eventually became momentary or nonexistent. But now all you are doing is responding to the symptoms caused by addiction. You have now gone from seeking pleasure to relieving the addiction.

Pekelover2

Driguy: thank you for these wise observations and wise words. “ So stop and think about whether you are still getting the hug you deserve or are you just getting mostly drunk while you chase the hug.” You’re right. I’m chasing getting drunk as of late! That’s not good.

Fish: absolutely right. Alcohol misses me. It’s not that I miss it. My life is never better with it. I know that. My husband has actually filmed me in a blackout mode. It’s AWFUL. Drunk on the sofa….muttering and slurring. What kind of hug is that???? Thank you for responding.

Lixie: as always, you offer me such sage and insightful help! Are you a therapist?? “ Remember, you don't have to take on the whole war right now, it is all about the little battles, fighting that AV by thinking of all the good things in your life, looking for glimmers when it is dark, letting the light in when you just want to shut the drapes.” Yes!!! Glimmers! That’s a great piece of advice. Yesterday wasn’t great. I was so sad at times. But then these great little things started to happen. I was walking my dogs and noticed the sunlight filtering through the trees. I got good news from my dog’s vet. I got a compliment on my shoes. I chose to remember those glimmers when I was hurting a little later on, maybe I can beat this by being *selective* as to what I remember from the events of the days. Emphasis on the positive!
I know the you also had a traumatic childhood. I’m so sorry for that. You’ve given me hope. At 54 yo I feel some hope.

Tough: “ Removing the false embrace of a substance allows me to embrace EVERYTHING else.” This is so true!! Thank you.

Love you all. Appreciate these replies.

__________________

Anna

Peke, you said that people think you're a great dog Mom, and 'if they only knew the truth'...I had thoughts like that, too. And, they are toxic thoughts. Thoughts like that always brought me back to drinking again and again. It was the shame/guilt cycle. You are a good dog Mom and you're a good person. You're not the only person who has made mistakes they regret, especially involving pets. Be kind to yourself. (((Peke)))

zoobadger

That's getting hit in the head with a bowling ball. Definitely not a hug.

Oglsby

Hey Peke,
For me, part of the recovery process has been that it is almost a universal truth that all of us, at some point, tend to remember only the positives of drinking. I think it is all part of the process as the mind heals. And those thoughts will always disappear with continued sobriety. You have been doing great!

DeplorableDog

I have made it a practice this quit to fight back anytime I start having the positives of drinking come to mind. I fight back by bring the negatives of drinking to my mind. It doesn't take long to rid myself of the desire to drink.