Megswan

Can anyone advise? I've realised after a year of going through the motions that when my partner drinks I should not engage at all, not do any rescuing by taking away the bottle or fussing over him and putting him to bed in clean clothes etc and just take a step away from the situation. And I can do that. But does anyone have any advise for while that's happening- how to you keep your mind off him and on yourself?
Last night he was out drinking and was god-knows-where for three hours after he said he'd be home. I carried on as I would have and went to bed as I had to be up for work, but still found myself dwelling and worrying and thinking of waiting up etc.
Does anyone have any helpful sayings they remind themselves of in those moments? I'm know I've truly lost myself this year and am focusing on getting back to me and not letting my mind obsess over how he's doing 24/7 but it's so hard to switch off and step away.

trailmix

Hi Meg, glad you posted.

I think the truth is, in my opinion, that some people can detach and some can't. To do so you really do need two components, a willingness to look after your own needs and a willingness to detach, at least somewhat, from the other person.

I mean realistically, if you have an SO that drinks a lot, goes out and disappears for hours after they said they would be home at x time, who wouldn't worry a bit. So the question is, is it you or is it him? He is disregarding your feelings.

So, what to do. Detaching is the key. Detaching from the "outcome". He will show up or he will be drunk on someone's sofa somewhere. Does he drink and drive? Maybe he's been arrested. You have zero control over any of this.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

What you describe above, waiting up, fussing over him, putting him to bed in clean clothes, doesn't that kind of sound like what a Mom would do for a child?

Looking at your actions will help you, as you mentioned, getting back to you. You are not his caregiver.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference

You might want to read Melody Beatties book, Codependent no more, lots of information in there about boundaries.

lumpyspacebunny

I’m someone who is going through something similar as you. My husband has been trying to sort of quit drinking for the past 3 years and relapsed again this past week. Normally I would worry, try to get him inside the house, try to hide what was happening from his family (who we live with), ect. But I was so over this cycle he goes through that I had to walk away once I saw how drunk he was. It WAS hard to sleep that night. He had been drunk driving and I was worried he’d try to drive again, but I can’t do much when he’s in this state. His mom ended up being the one to force him inside and tend to him.

I was glad not to have to deal with it and for others to finally see how he was acting. It was somewhat of a relief, but I also felt a boost of self esteem because I put myself first that night. I don’t have any answers for you, as I’m in a similar place in my life, but I’m proud of you for caring for yourself.

ToughChoices

I like the saying, “Worry pretends to be useful.”

I like the serenity prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I like engrossing movies or books when my crazy mind is spinning. I like meditation and prayer.

Thinking about the drinking does NOT change the drinking.

Obsessing and worrying accomplishes NOTHING. I don’t know why my brain insists on trying it over and over again!?!?

The drinking is not YOURS, so you owe it zero time. If you give it your time, you’re just letting alcohol steal life from ANOTHER person. You don’t have to do that.

You can eat. Sleep. Bathe. Phone a friend. Watch a film. Clean a floor. Do a puzzle. Take a walk. Cook. Write. Draw. Crochet.

I had to leave my husband in order to truly detach. I’m not strong enough to do it in the presence of drunkenness, and that’s ok, too.

Samworriestoo

I am 25+ years deep in the pit of alcoholic marriage. I would never claim to have perfect detachment skills. I have posted here in moments of weakness because my boundaries seemed unreasonable for just a minute.
That being said, I have learned to go about life pretty well while he is actively drinking. I have basically been a single parent for my entire marriage anyway so why not own the title and be the best at it, right?
As for the sleeping when they don't come home....in the beginning, this would drive me crazy! I would sit up and wait for him just thinking about worst case scenario. Once he was "lost" in Vegas for 4 days! His parents wouldn't let me call the police (they were manipulators and very good at it....telling me I would lose the kids if he was arrested smh I can't believe I trusted them) I can easily go to bed and sleep now because I am more worried about my own peace than I am cleaning up his messes. If I have a moment of weakness, I will pop in headphones and listen to a sleep meditation.
my favorite thought goes to keeping my side of the street clean. I can only be responsible for my things. That's my side of the street. I don't worry about what the other side looks like.
Take care of yourself first. It will feel weird for a minute but it will grow on you and you will worry less as a result.