The I's have it
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The I's have it
First let me apologize for the rambling story....
If I could choose a book title for this one it would be The "I's" have it....except for the part where they say "I am sorry"
I am not new to this forum (unfortunately) although I have changed my screen name for my safety after a domestic incident during covid. I come around for ESH as my AH has been whiteknuckling "recovery" for years. He refuses a program, left rehab after 1 day (years ago) because he "couldnt relate to anyone that was there" and has moved on to "I'll just do it myself"
I continue to educate myself. I work diligently at a couple of programs and have brought some sort of peace and control back to my home. I learned to set firm boundaries that can be upheld and not to issue ultimatums that I am not prepared to act on.
That said....the "oh my God I am living in an alcoholics nightmare" took over two weeks ago and I have spiraled away from everything I have learned, curled up in a ball and slept away a couple days.
A little background. Married 25+ years. Some kids. Some grandkids. 3 of our kids are addict/alcoholics (stories for another time) my AH's friend is dying. Around the first of the month he was given the "there's nothing else we can do" and sent home to "rest" AH is lost. Refuses to go to therapy because vodka doesn't make him tell his feelings. I simply say, "I will not participate" when he is actively drinking and go on about my day. In the past, I was the ******* for "controlling" him and his choice to be a drunk. Now, I am the ******* because "seems like you just don't care what I do" (can't win for losing with the alcoholic sometimes)
So last week, he gets mad because he doesn't feel "included" as he sits in the corner of the living room in his chair and watches the same reruns all day long and life goes on around him. Kids talk to me, we chat about random things, laugh...listen to music etc....he sits in his chair and fumes. Well he decided to tell us all that he was upset about this (which I genuinely appreciate him speaking up about because I would rather just deal with things than let them fester). I even told him thank you for telling me. So he gets ready to leave for work and starts with the "Is" again...I am sad. I don't feel heard. I get ignored. I work so hard and do so much (lol....uhhh...you work an 8 hour shift and then don't do anything but push buttons on the remote but ok) and then the kicker "I will just go back to pretending to be happy so you will be happy" yikes....wow....uhhh so your misery is my fault again. Ok. I didn't react just said I appreciate him telling me these things and I will do some reflection about my part in them. That was a couple days ago.
Yesterday he comes home from work and seemed a little better. Actually went to bed with me. This morning gets frisky and I was like Nope. Not having it. No rollercoasters just because you feel like it. You can't say hurtful things and then just decide it's better because you want to fool around. So we started the I/me/my conversation again and I had to bite my tongue to not say "do you hear how selfish you sound right now" so the I's have it. He said all of them except "I am sorry"
I need to spend time in the things I know today but I also needed to just let this go to the Universe. Sorry for the long story but the confusion reigns in my head for the moment. What a mess. Our friend is dying and I am babysitting a drunk with "big feelings" because for a minute he is not the center of attention.
I asked him today what he was going to do when that friend dies. He told me not to worry about it but I am and I will.
If I could choose a book title for this one it would be The "I's" have it....except for the part where they say "I am sorry"
I am not new to this forum (unfortunately) although I have changed my screen name for my safety after a domestic incident during covid. I come around for ESH as my AH has been whiteknuckling "recovery" for years. He refuses a program, left rehab after 1 day (years ago) because he "couldnt relate to anyone that was there" and has moved on to "I'll just do it myself"
I continue to educate myself. I work diligently at a couple of programs and have brought some sort of peace and control back to my home. I learned to set firm boundaries that can be upheld and not to issue ultimatums that I am not prepared to act on.
That said....the "oh my God I am living in an alcoholics nightmare" took over two weeks ago and I have spiraled away from everything I have learned, curled up in a ball and slept away a couple days.
A little background. Married 25+ years. Some kids. Some grandkids. 3 of our kids are addict/alcoholics (stories for another time) my AH's friend is dying. Around the first of the month he was given the "there's nothing else we can do" and sent home to "rest" AH is lost. Refuses to go to therapy because vodka doesn't make him tell his feelings. I simply say, "I will not participate" when he is actively drinking and go on about my day. In the past, I was the ******* for "controlling" him and his choice to be a drunk. Now, I am the ******* because "seems like you just don't care what I do" (can't win for losing with the alcoholic sometimes)
So last week, he gets mad because he doesn't feel "included" as he sits in the corner of the living room in his chair and watches the same reruns all day long and life goes on around him. Kids talk to me, we chat about random things, laugh...listen to music etc....he sits in his chair and fumes. Well he decided to tell us all that he was upset about this (which I genuinely appreciate him speaking up about because I would rather just deal with things than let them fester). I even told him thank you for telling me. So he gets ready to leave for work and starts with the "Is" again...I am sad. I don't feel heard. I get ignored. I work so hard and do so much (lol....uhhh...you work an 8 hour shift and then don't do anything but push buttons on the remote but ok) and then the kicker "I will just go back to pretending to be happy so you will be happy" yikes....wow....uhhh so your misery is my fault again. Ok. I didn't react just said I appreciate him telling me these things and I will do some reflection about my part in them. That was a couple days ago.
Yesterday he comes home from work and seemed a little better. Actually went to bed with me. This morning gets frisky and I was like Nope. Not having it. No rollercoasters just because you feel like it. You can't say hurtful things and then just decide it's better because you want to fool around. So we started the I/me/my conversation again and I had to bite my tongue to not say "do you hear how selfish you sound right now" so the I's have it. He said all of them except "I am sorry"
I need to spend time in the things I know today but I also needed to just let this go to the Universe. Sorry for the long story but the confusion reigns in my head for the moment. What a mess. Our friend is dying and I am babysitting a drunk with "big feelings" because for a minute he is not the center of attention.
I asked him today what he was going to do when that friend dies. He told me not to worry about it but I am and I will.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Hi SWT.
I'm a bit confused. I don't see how any of this is working for you?
It's one thing to detach, it's another to bite your tongue, With one, you would basically have nothing to say because your "caring about what he says" level is set on very low. In the other you are just stopping yourself from saying how you feel.
I don't get it? I mean I may genuinely not understand how this works for you.
I'm a bit confused. I don't see how any of this is working for you?
It's one thing to detach, it's another to bite your tongue, With one, you would basically have nothing to say because your "caring about what he says" level is set on very low. In the other you are just stopping yourself from saying how you feel.
I don't get it? I mean I may genuinely not understand how this works for you.
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Posts: 24
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi SWT.
I'm a bit confused. I don't see how any of this is working for you?
It's one thing to detach, it's another to bite your tongue, With one, you would basically have nothing to say because your "caring about what he says" level is set on very low. In the other you are just stopping yourself from saying how you feel.
I don't get it? I mean I may genuinely not understand how this works for you.
I'm a bit confused. I don't see how any of this is working for you?
It's one thing to detach, it's another to bite your tongue, With one, you would basically have nothing to say because your "caring about what he says" level is set on very low. In the other you are just stopping yourself from saying how you feel.
I don't get it? I mean I may genuinely not understand how this works for you.
I have been in 3 meetings a day for two weeks. Reading every old post I can here at SR and yet I still feel all that old "my husband is an alcoholic woe is me"
After I posted this I found the courage to tell him that I was feeling badly that people were using this situation to make drama for themselves and how selfish that is. I used an example of how I felt when a family member was dying and my mother (my qualifier before my AH) used that to gain sympathy and be the victim because no one was paying attention to her needs. He didn't have anything else to say and I feel like I took back a little of my power
Posting this helped me in a different way than I was expecting. I found myself thinking What would I say to the person who posted this from a place of experience?
I questioned my tools. I let him guilt trip me into thinking I was really not caring when I DO CARE. I fell heavily into the FOG and needed some tough love here.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Ah ok, yes I see what you're saying.
I suppose this is a bit of a rarer situation that "usual", so I can see how it caught you off guard. On the other hand, you shouldn't have to work so hard at it maybe? Detaching should be almost second nature to you by now I would think, not something you have to actively trigger to on.
I hope that makes sense.
Detaching (the lack of caring) is reaching an actual real level of not caring. Not that you don't actually care if someone is hurt (as you do), but knowing that you can't help him, as he is. I can tell YOU have done the work, you have your tools - he hasn't and he doesn't.
In a mature and somewhat normal relationship, he would have come to you to discuss it, as you know, here he is just whining (sorry can't think of a better description) for attention. That's not something you really need to pay attention to? If he can't come to the We are all grown up and will behave like adults - party, that's not your problem perhaps?
I suppose this is a bit of a rarer situation that "usual", so I can see how it caught you off guard. On the other hand, you shouldn't have to work so hard at it maybe? Detaching should be almost second nature to you by now I would think, not something you have to actively trigger to on.
I hope that makes sense.
Detaching (the lack of caring) is reaching an actual real level of not caring. Not that you don't actually care if someone is hurt (as you do), but knowing that you can't help him, as he is. I can tell YOU have done the work, you have your tools - he hasn't and he doesn't.
In a mature and somewhat normal relationship, he would have come to you to discuss it, as you know, here he is just whining (sorry can't think of a better description) for attention. That's not something you really need to pay attention to? If he can't come to the We are all grown up and will behave like adults - party, that's not your problem perhaps?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
If he can't come to the We are all grown up and will behave like adults - party, that's not your problem perhaps?
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Join Date: Jul 2023
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Hi Samworriestoo, This is my first post after a 10 year absence (I was EnglishGarden on the other F&F). I often visit the forums, read old posts, as you do. In my inner circle there is no longer anyone with the disease of addiction. But for a short time I was married to a man decades ago with a severe alcohol problem. I agree, that quote from trailmix is right and to the point. "Not my problem" is the core of codependency recovery. We really do have to allow other people to live their own lives and experience their own consequences. We know this rationally. But living in the presence of addiction distorts our thinking, our ability to process. And can send us curled up in bed, as you were, because we are inside a vortex of emotional and mental chaos. You know this, as you are in recovery.
You probably have already read the Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: A Merry Go Round Called Denial". It is probably a sticky here somewhere. I used to keep a copy in my purse for my sanity. And the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is the clearest description of an alcoholic's behavior within relationship I have ever read and also helped restore my sanity.
You might think about a check in with your physician? Living with an alcoholic takes a serious physical toll on us, the chronic elevated stress, and as the years go by, we are less resilient and more vulnerable. Your doctor might be able to refer you to a counselor for some sessions covered by your insurance. And could also do a screen for depression. As well as monitor your blood pressure.
I'm sorry someone close to you and your AH is dying. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Lucy
You probably have already read the Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: A Merry Go Round Called Denial". It is probably a sticky here somewhere. I used to keep a copy in my purse for my sanity. And the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is the clearest description of an alcoholic's behavior within relationship I have ever read and also helped restore my sanity.
You might think about a check in with your physician? Living with an alcoholic takes a serious physical toll on us, the chronic elevated stress, and as the years go by, we are less resilient and more vulnerable. Your doctor might be able to refer you to a counselor for some sessions covered by your insurance. And could also do a screen for depression. As well as monitor your blood pressure.
I'm sorry someone close to you and your AH is dying. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Lucy
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Join Date: Jul 2023
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Thank you for the book recommendation! I just dropped it into my shopping cart and hit the buy now button!
I took a few days to read through my old posts here and seems we have had some interaction way back when. I dare say my screen name from that time because it turned into a nightmare and I would hate for those posts to get bumped...I will say that the person that wrote them was so different than the woman I am today. I have learned so much and done a lot of work. I am actually kind of proud of myself. Sure, I let the whirlpool of alcoholism almost suck me back in but I fought it and came for support!
As for a doctor's appointment...that is really good advice. I haven't been in awhile and could probably use a check up anyway.
I am here to keep working and learning.
I took a few days to read through my old posts here and seems we have had some interaction way back when. I dare say my screen name from that time because it turned into a nightmare and I would hate for those posts to get bumped...I will say that the person that wrote them was so different than the woman I am today. I have learned so much and done a lot of work. I am actually kind of proud of myself. Sure, I let the whirlpool of alcoholism almost suck me back in but I fought it and came for support!
As for a doctor's appointment...that is really good advice. I haven't been in awhile and could probably use a check up anyway.
I am here to keep working and learning.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 142
It was a good feeling for me to change my screen name. Like you, I also am different in many ways from the person I was when I was actively posting a decade ago. In truth, back then I didn't know how much I didn't know. My history can't be changed but my understanding of my history can change,as I grow. I'm glad you found the book. I underlined my first copy so much, then the second, had to buy three copies in the long run.
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