dna1410

Hello, I want to start by laying out a few important aspects as my post will probably turn into a really, really long one:
• I live in a country where programs for addiction are basically inexistent;
• neither me, nor my husband are receving help from therapist;
• he would likely never accept seeing a therapist;
• the problem has been going on for a long time, but it’s like I’ve been living in a magic place (of loneliness and despair) where I haven’t been able to understand/realise what has been going on.
• I haven’t talked to anyone about the problem for years, last week was the first time I opened up about it to a friend who is the daughter of an alcoholic;
• I have been an enabler (and stopped doing that), I have distanced myself (and felt more and more lonely & depressed) and basically I ended up somewhat hitting rock bottom (depressed and burnt out until I could put my finger on the real problem).
• my husband went from problem drinker to bindge drinker to getting wasted every weekend to drinking every day and getting wasted every weekend to drinking every day and getting wasted on most days and getting wasted every weekend all while having a high income job, thriving at work and paying the bills. No other responsibilities met (he doesn’t “believe” he has other responsabilities).
that’s the short version.
here comes the long version:
I first met my now-husband when I was a teenager and we had an on&off again relationship for many years - I had a clear path of what I had to do in my mind and moved away from my hometown for college. He was a really fun, outgoing and extremly intelligent young boy but he liked to “live” a little too much and his friends somehow always came first (they are still friends to this day and they are all problem drinkers / more or less functional alcoholics - It’s like they are frat boys only in their 30-40s).
I was always convinced I’m a beautiful & smart woman and I knew how I wanted to be treated and it was alwys my way or the highway - and that is the reason I didn’t want a relationship with him until I considered he had “grown up” eventough I was crazy in love with him all this time. We were constnt in each others lives, it was just that I refused to be with him.
I tought he grew up and we started dating and then moved in together. He made some sacrifices for me, I did some for him - things were good, we understood each other but I was somehow annoyed with the fact he was a problem drinker - back than I just tought that he liked to party too much: we would go out and most times he would get wasted. It was always just one drink too much. But we were young, almost all our friends would do the same and I didn’t put too much thought into it. Slowly the drinking became lmost daily, but it would be 1-2 beers while doing cooking or some hobbies of his and he wouldn’t get even tipsy so I didn’t really notice it.
fast forward thru time: we got married, had a child and drank more and I felt more and more isolated while doing all the chores at home, getting back in shape after delivery, running a start up, raising my little boy and basically doing everything with no help - he would refuse and convinced me to refuse help from our families while not helping with anything. I’ve done it all and made everything run smoothly while he would drink and go out with his friends.
I was so overwhelmed and burnt out there were Friday nights (he went out every Friday night) when I was happy(ish) he went out drinking and wouldn’t return until morning because at least it was chill and didn’t have to put up with his temper tantrums.
I had so much on my plate that I didn’t have any time or energy for him, his drinking or our relationship - I distanced myself, put on a shield and just did what I had to do without thinking for a second (or realising) he has a drinking problem. I just started to think he was a narcissistic a**. I would just shake myself up and go on with life.
But the universe works in a weird way and something brought me back to reality making me understand this is gonna be bad for my kid and he will be growing up with a nasty & disfunctional way of life.
As it is custom in my county when the kid was 1 month old we had a big christening party with friends and relatives when he got incredibly drunk. While getting in the car (he had to be carried because he couldn’t walk) you could see his brain just not being able to work anymore. We got to the car and I didn’t even got to say a word or make any gesture when he just snapped out of nowhere: yelling at me, calling me names, saying that nobody can measure up to little miss perfect and then he broke my windscreen with his fist. Our frind drove him home and carried him to the couch - he just sat there and he kept swearing and calling me names for an hour when he passed out. He wasn’t even able to move, he pissed himself it was horrible.
the real shock came for me the second day when he was the angry one and had an attitude as if I was the one who was suppoused to say “sorry” not him.
i moved out for a week and moved back in after we discussed things over - at this point I still didn’t realise how bad things were, I just tought ‘ok, getting drunk is bad and he went crazy because of the quantity’. He didn’t drink anything for 2 months and than it was the occasional beer that slipt quickly into getting wasted way too often. But I had a lot on my plate and all my attention went to my child and my business and I was basically living & functioning for a year as a single parent that had a room mate who would get drunk / be freqvently angry / have temper tantrums and kept telling me how I wasn’t enough or good enough.
So (stupid me) I pushed myself even harder. And harder and did more of everything while being isolated from everything and everyone because I didn’t have time or energy for anything or anyone. I hd to do it all because no one else would.
I tried not do it.
If he had to take out the trash it would just pille up until at one point the whole floor in our kitchen was only trash bags filled with recyclable items (I would take out separately the rest).
He had to pay the rent. Not once did I had a surprise to find out rent was due and I payed it (I had to live somewhere).
As he pointed out mny times he was the one paying the bills. Twice I payed the bill that had summed up 3 month’s worth of utilities.
In mu had somehow he payed the bills - I kept the house running. Until I realised I kept the house running and I payed the bills. And the rent. And the food. And the “fun” activities. And the hollyday. And the restaurant. And the dog’s food. He was making so much money, where was it all?!?
see my husband is not your tipical guy - he wouldn’t just drink a beer - he would drink the most expensive beer. He wouldn’t just buy whiskey or scotch - he would buy bottles of fine whiskey that were around 100-150$ a bottle. He would go out on Fridays and spend the equivalent of a month’s worth of bills on one night. Every week.
(at this point both you reading and me writing are asking ourselfs the same thing: how could you be ao naive / blind/ put up with it? Answer: i honestly don’t know).
as I said earlier the universe is somewhat magical and it’s one year since the major drinking event at the party happened. One year exactly, same day. It’s a Sunday.
I’ve been up since 6a.m because that’s when my little one wakes up. I give him a shower and he eats his breakfast (he’s 1yo). At 8 a.m my husband walks in the door very jolly and happy. Yesterday at 6 pm he went to a friend’s house to watch a basketball game and this is when he returns.
I say “hy” and decide to ignore him. It’s my only day off from work, had a crazy week and I’m not about to tuin it. He makes some coffee and goes to the bathroom - one hour later come out of the shower.
He asks me what are the plans for today (keep in mind I’m the one who has to make all the plans because no one else makes them and I want my kid to have fun experiences as much as possible for his age. He than whines to his friends how we always have to do what I want and I make all the decisions). I respond “I don’t know because you seem to make your own agenda and do whatever you want with disregard to others” in a calm and b*tchy manner. He got annoyed. He got angry. He went to his computer and locked himself in the study.
I went on with my day - played with my child, put on music, danced around with him while folding the laundry and went to the park. I didn’t tell him anything because, you know, choices and results. He made his choice, I made mine.
we came home after 2 or 3 hours - he had been drinking. I did a quick counting: 10 beers and half a bottle of vodka. When I walked in the door he wasn’t at home, he arrived 10 or 15 minutes after me. From the stoor. With two six packs in his hands - we are talking about a 30-40 minute walk one way to the store.
He didn’t even say “hy” and just started to pick on me. And name call me.He didn’t get a reaction. And he proceeded to telling me a couple of things that he knew would really hurt, like the most horrible things you can attack because you know that those are the most vulnerable things in someone’s life.
I know better than to argue with a drunk so I just informed him that I’m taking my child and dog going to a hotel.
I left the house calmly but all I wanted to do was run. The second I was out the door I entered a panic mode and just got everyone and everything in the car under an adrenaline rush like crazy.
I turned off my phone and refused to engage.
i had to turn on my phone to call my nanny to ask her for a couple of things for the kid (I have extras of everything at her place) and got tens of messages from him telling me he had called the divorce attorney (I talked to her because she called me to ask what was hppening), calling me names, telling me again all those hurtful things and calling me names again.
the second day he wanted to talk. He still didn’t admit his drinking was a problem but I informed him I’m not tolerant of it anymore.
on Wednesday I got home from work in the evening. He was tipsy. He had to work from home so I let him do whatever he wanted and on Thursday I sat him down and I informed (no barganing, no emotions, no nothing):
I think your drinking is a problem. Either you want to admit it o not at this point you are an alcoholic and I WILL NOT raise my child in such a family.
He cut my speech by saying “I won’t drink anymore”
I told him that I’ve heard that before and his words don’t have any more meaning to me.
The first time it happened again I’m out the door, not looking back and he’ll spend time with our kid only superveised until sober.
The discution stopped there since I didn’t see any point in dragging it on. Neither did he.
on Friday we went to the mountains with hi drunk friends. They were drunk 48/48 hours straight. He didn’t drink anythink. Oh the angry, oh the rage, oh all the emotions he had - I gave him space and told him I’m here to support him with anything he needs.
one of his friends, who understands he has a problem, reached out and asked him is he was ok. My husband told him he is borred and pissed off because I won’t let him drink. His frind told him: “we both know she wouldn’t have a problem with you having a beer if you would be able to stop at one beer. But you are not able.”
I’ve been nice, I’ve been supportive and I try to help in every way I can: I’ve told him that I’m giving him space because that’s what he seems to need, but I’m here and available for talking and any kind of help. I make sure to have the house spotless at this point and make him spend time (little bits) with our kid when the kis wants to play and is joyful. I’ve bought his everyday his favourite meals and make fresh orange juice and other little stupid stuff to make him feel loved and apreciated.
but it’s been a REALLY tough 5 days until now - he is just so angry and frustrated and he is having some major mood swings. I can only imagine it is tough for him as he woun’t speak about it.
my questions are:
• what should I expect to happen?
• how do I offer my support?
• does he understand he has a problem and has to stop or is he doing this only because I made him and he is waiting for the waters to clear up and start again?
• how do I make things fun(ish) sober since the drunk days were so much fun?
• if there is a lapse am I suppoused to be suportive or do I just walk out the door and never look back?
• is he going to be so angry forever or is it a phase?

Anna

Hi, I'm sorry for your situation. Yes, going cold turkey is tough, though many of us do it that way. It really is the easiest way to stop drinking because tapering doesn't work for alcoholics. I hope that your husband makes the choice to remain sober as things will get easier in his recovery. I think the best way to show your support would be to focus on you and work on yourself. Allow your husband to find his way. Of course, if your husband wants to talk about things, you might let him know that you are supportive of his efforts. As for his intentions, I think you will wait and see if he continues to recover and then is likely doing it for himself, not because you made him. Activities that were helpful for me in the early days were long walks and hikes, watching a good movie and meeting up with friends for coffee. How you react if there is a relapse is completely up to you. You need to create a boundary to protect yourself and stick with it. By the way, there are online AA meetings (https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/) and online AlAnon meetings which might be helpful for you (https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/). Neither of you has to do this alone.

trailmix

Hi dna and welcome, glad you found SR.

I think you can probably expect more of the same until he decides to get help. Whatever got him to this point (be that mental health issues, plain old over-drinking or whatever the case may be) needs to be addressed.

There is a book often recommended here called Codependent no more, by Melodie Beatty. You might find it really helpful in setting up your own boundaries and taking care of yourself.

I can see you are compassionate and trying to help the best you can, but it's so important, as Anna already mentioned, to look after yourself. You will run yourself ragged trying to cater to his needs. Who is looking out for you?

I would also recommend that you read around the forum here and learn as much about alcoholism as you can (for you, not for him), knowledge is power and it will help you to understand what's in store.

The lapse scenario is up to you. This is where boundaries enter. The one question that really answers all your questions is - what do you want (for yourself)?

Sueby

I wanted to let you know that by doing every little thing for him, it won’t stop him from drinking. Nothing you do (or don’t do) will make him drink or not drink, that is fully up to him. That said, it’s really hard to detach, which is what I think you’re starting/trying to do?

I remember my first steps detaching and it involved just not reacting to anything he said. Then it evolved to not doing things for him, then finally into no contact. It was a process, as I would fall back into bad patterns and have to pull myself back out and try again.

I don’t really speak to my ex husband much now, but not because I hate him - it’s just he continually tries to get me to fix things for him and bail him out. He is also a serial cheater, so there is always someone hanging around that can help him, it doesn’t need to be me. His other addiction is attention seeking lol.

My sister was a godsend, she didn’t judge or offer how-to-ideas, she just let me flounder til I found my way. But always listened and was there for me. I hope you have someone who you confide in and can be there for you while you find your path through this. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but I understand what you are going through and this site was invaluable to me, even just to read others’ posts.

trailmix

I just wanted to say that Sueby brings up a really good point (well many), but about talking about it. It's not a secret, well certainly not your secret. You have been isolated (this is common). He told you to refuse help from your family and I'm sure you have lost touch with many people. Reach out to them, reconnect. It will be so freeing.

This sounds like someone who will really understand.

You also have us now, we are here to listen and support you as well. You're not alone.

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venuscat

I would walk out the door and never look back, 100%.

I am not sure why perfectly lovely people put up with this sort of behaviour. I am an alcoholic, and I am in recovery, and it is a work in progress every single day.
No one in my life would have stayed if I had not gotten sober because being an alcoholic doesn't mean we get to treat other people like trash, no matter what the reason. s

dna1410

Thank you all for your responses.
it hs certainly been an… experience.
• First of all putting everything down in writing has helped a little and I was a little bit surprised how long the post turned out, so thank you for taking the time to both read it and for your answers.
I’m looking up the book and will certainly dig into it these days.
• Second, I am willing to give it another try as long as I see he is trying and not drinking.
I don’t really know how I should react in the case of a lapse because I wouldn’t know in what “category” I should put it: accident or malevolence.
As a person who doesn’t have an addiction problem I don’t comprehend how bad or hard it is and can’t fully understand if a “slip” is just the first step to an old pattern or a moment of vilnerability where you messed up - how do I make the diference between them so that I can take the correct decision?
• Third - I have been making ammends and reconnecting with people and I was somewhat surprised to how forthcomming they were and basically just saying they missed me. It was pretty hard and I was surprised to find out that they saw I was struggling and something wasn’t right with me they just never figured out what was wrong.
• I always somewhat knew that I didn’t cause it but I’ve had problems with accepting I couldn’t control it since I’m a little bit of a control freak as I’ve had to run everything both at home and at work. I have accepted that to a point, that’s an ongoing issue / strugle for me.
At this point if he is willing to try I am willing to help - I just don’t know what that help looks like.
I understand sobriety and recovery from a medical point of view but at this point I am capable of seeing it only very clinically and not really from a psychological point of view.
I understand there are some steps to be taken and that I have to make him accountable for his actions, give him more responsabilities again and just not run the show alone but it seems like a really fine line between “burdening” him (as his state of mind seems somewhat fragile while navigating days without alcohol and he might perceive it that way) and just having normal day to day activities and responsabilities.
I understand that his brain has been rewired to have his dopamine receptors fire up mainly only from alcohol and is experiencing a level of anhedonia as a result and in order to rewire it there are certain neurological pathways that have to be rewritten (basically you kinda need to be Pavloved to rewrite those pathways) and it seems like a really, really, really thin line between balancing the hedonistic behavior - rewiring the neurological pathways - taking accountability for past behaviours and picking up responsability for day to day life as self esteem is somewhat low and the levels of frustration are mid to high.
👆🏻 as you can see above my perception pf the situation is very clinical ( I think that rationalisation and a case study point of view or my coping mechanisms to basically not go crazy).

trailmix

Relapse vs just not drinking? Well time will tell that. I think it's also important to call it what it is, as in what if he drinks again, drinking is not an accident. If it happened once, well he needs to perhaps seek outside help or just jump back on the wagon. Any more than that is a pattern.

Yes control can be very stressful for you (and I can see it has been). As far as responsibilities he should take, he is a grown adult, he should be able to make these decisions on his own? I can though, if you have run everything how he might be at a bit of a loss. So ask him to participate, whatever lightens the load, mowing, taking out the garbage, cooking dinner?

Yes, he is going through withdrawal and yes, it will take time for his brain to heal, but that's his side of the street, not yours. He will have to take responsibility for his sobriety. There is no need to take on more responsibility by making all his favourite things and trying to find ways to make him happy. His happiness is an internal thing.

It's very easy to slip in to a codependent role when one partner is an alcoholic and it's also a guaranteed path to burnout. Sometimes we think we can just go along and carry all burdens. Sometimes we question how long we can keep doing it. There is a limit. Nervous breakdown isn't just a pie-in-the-sky condition. While it's not called that now, I think it's a good description. Breakdown, when the body and mind says - ok that's enough. I would hate to see you reach that point because then you won't be able to take care of anyone. That's why it's so important to look after yourself.

He is an adult. He is an alcoholic and it is his challenge to overcome and learn to manage. Rehab, outpatient, AA meetings, there is LOTS of support out there for him, if he chooses to take it. You can't really be his support, he needs professional help, if he is going to get any help.

But the bottom line is you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). If you had that power, he wouldn't be an alcoholic.

venuscat

Unfortunately, we cannot force someone into accountability—Trailmix said it perfectly. s

velma929

Your posting will resonate with many, if not all people living with an addict, because all his behaviors are typical. I think there's a fairly recent post by someone whose alcoholic partner won a lottery - and has spent it all, now in worse shape than before. The moodiness, the spending, the declining attention to responsibilities, the increasing focus of self-absorbtion, we've all seen and felt it.

My husband drank himself out of three jobs in the last six years of his life. I went through a very, very dark place before I started to detach.

I don’t really know how I should react in the case of a lapse because I wouldn’t know in what “category” I should put it: accident or malevolence.

I don't know as I'd catagorize it as either. The decision to pick up a bottle isn't an accident, for sure. He's not drinking at you, he's just drinking. When I expressed here on the forum my sadness/bitterness/disappointment that my husband never made a serious attempt to quit drinking, someone replied, "Maybe he couldn't." Until then, I don't think that had ever occurred to me. Perhaps he was so far gone that he really had no choice in the matter any more.

My husband died from lung cancer without ever quitting, I feel sad that he never found peace from whatever it was that prompted him to drink. His family was nice, his parents were tee-totallers, so it wasn't a family history. Maybe his time in Southeast Asia? I'll never know. And nothing I did to make our home life better had any effect on his drinking. None, Zero. Nada. I can't even imagine what it's like to be addicted, I certainly understand boring things! But some of us accept living life on life's terms. Some people never do.

dbyrer

Respectfully, you are trying to manage his recovery. That is never going to work. He will never have recovery unless he grabs it with both hands and he is the only person in the universe who can do that. He is an adult and only he can deal with this problem. Other addicts and recovery professionals may be able to help him but you cannot. You can love him and give him the respect of trusting him to deal with his own issues and that is about all. Perhaps you could put your energy into yourself because you are wasting it trying to make another person do what suits you. I wish you well.