Well hell
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Well hell
I haven't been on here for years. I have some amazing things, a wonderful son a beautiful house two amazing dogs. However what's bringing me here is 2 things. 1. I'm a recovering people pleaser, thanks to my upbringing I'm constantly trying to keep the peace so I say yes. I have to say yes because when I don't as I'm waking up to see my 2. Spouse gets dejected, uses the silent treatment or flat out disagrees with my version of reality.
I am recovering from people pleasing because I had a full burnout in October. I had said yes to a project timeline I had no business doing and I had said it to appease my teammate who promptly left the team right after my agreement leaving me drowning. At the same time I was having my 10th chemical pregnancy and my husband was switching jobs again. Quite frankly I give myself props for making it as long as I did before cracking.
Well in my attempts to acknowledge that people pleasing is total bull I told my spouse and have been remembering I can be kind without people pleasing and thus have been speaking up. I fully understand that this must be a shock to my husband who for 10 years has had a pliable wife. However I feel uncompromising in my need to assert my wishes while being kind. I'm not yelling or stamping my foot or refusing to compromise in decisions I'm just being very clear about where the I the me the my wishes are and that I deserve to be heard.
I suspect my husband is a narcissist but after over a decade of working on myself I'm unwilling to say I don't have faults in our marriage I do I know I do starting with my urge to agree, repress and resent. That's part of why I'm working on it. My husband is also an acoa but he sees himself as having risen above his stupid parents.
Man my thoughts are jumbled. The current argument is that he is mad I insisted giving the silent treatment to a six year old is not ok and quite frankly abusive. So now we don't appreciate him. I'm finding I'm unwilling to bend. I'm unwilling to give in to his sulking. However this is bringing up massive anxiety and guilt. Am I being awful am I being unkind? Is he truly hurt and I'm over here being a jerk or am I standing by my boundaries. I believe I know the answer but I'm feeling very unsure of myself. Thoughts?
I am recovering from people pleasing because I had a full burnout in October. I had said yes to a project timeline I had no business doing and I had said it to appease my teammate who promptly left the team right after my agreement leaving me drowning. At the same time I was having my 10th chemical pregnancy and my husband was switching jobs again. Quite frankly I give myself props for making it as long as I did before cracking.
Well in my attempts to acknowledge that people pleasing is total bull I told my spouse and have been remembering I can be kind without people pleasing and thus have been speaking up. I fully understand that this must be a shock to my husband who for 10 years has had a pliable wife. However I feel uncompromising in my need to assert my wishes while being kind. I'm not yelling or stamping my foot or refusing to compromise in decisions I'm just being very clear about where the I the me the my wishes are and that I deserve to be heard.
I suspect my husband is a narcissist but after over a decade of working on myself I'm unwilling to say I don't have faults in our marriage I do I know I do starting with my urge to agree, repress and resent. That's part of why I'm working on it. My husband is also an acoa but he sees himself as having risen above his stupid parents.
Man my thoughts are jumbled. The current argument is that he is mad I insisted giving the silent treatment to a six year old is not ok and quite frankly abusive. So now we don't appreciate him. I'm finding I'm unwilling to bend. I'm unwilling to give in to his sulking. However this is bringing up massive anxiety and guilt. Am I being awful am I being unkind? Is he truly hurt and I'm over here being a jerk or am I standing by my boundaries. I believe I know the answer but I'm feeling very unsure of myself. Thoughts?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi Payne. No you aren't being a jerk and it can be unsettling when we decide that just "going along" doesn't work anymore and we change and that change isn't necessarily welcome with open arms.
You're right, giving the silent treatment to a six year old is a horrible thing to do, they don't understand the treatment and - well you know the score. It's a very hostile reaction to anything and the occasions when someone might use it are incredibly rare, in my opinion and never with a child. Perhaps some counselling for you and your husband? If that's in the financial cards.
Maybe he has "risen above" his stupid parents, but regardless of why, he does have his own issues.
Hopefully, he will come to the party and not just sulk his way through your marriage. Otherwise, now, you two may have become incompatible. Your dynamic worked before of course, who can't get along with someone who gives in all the time? But that's something to ponder. You can't change him and he won't change unless he wants to.
Yes, I'm glad you brought up the burn out. Patience, strength, holding the load of most things can only go on for so long before we snap. We are not made to go it alone and carry everyone. I'm so glad you are breaking away from that, it's the best thing you can do for yourself (and your child - because she won't follow that same pattern).
You're right, giving the silent treatment to a six year old is a horrible thing to do, they don't understand the treatment and - well you know the score. It's a very hostile reaction to anything and the occasions when someone might use it are incredibly rare, in my opinion and never with a child. Perhaps some counselling for you and your husband? If that's in the financial cards.
Maybe he has "risen above" his stupid parents, but regardless of why, he does have his own issues.
Hopefully, he will come to the party and not just sulk his way through your marriage. Otherwise, now, you two may have become incompatible. Your dynamic worked before of course, who can't get along with someone who gives in all the time? But that's something to ponder. You can't change him and he won't change unless he wants to.
Yes, I'm glad you brought up the burn out. Patience, strength, holding the load of most things can only go on for so long before we snap. We are not made to go it alone and carry everyone. I'm so glad you are breaking away from that, it's the best thing you can do for yourself (and your child - because she won't follow that same pattern).
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
We have done marriage counseling and still go quarterly. I no longer feel it's helping. I more strongly feel the issues lie with both of us need to do therapy. However due to me always saying yes we are more in debt than we should be. A reality that frustrates me and is also now ticking him off because I keep saying no to spending money. We make good money and I think it's obscene that we are always "broke" one year and we could have a lot of spare money. But he likes to keep up with the Joneses and get things now. The thought of genuinely waiting a few months for something is a failure to him. We have so much junk. Anyways I digress, at this time we can only afford one of us to go to counseling, he said he wanted to go but has made no moves to. I offered to even set the appointment up because hell it's a good thing right? So far nothing.
I do agree and feel that this is a transition for me to not be a yes dear person but I feel I'm kind and if we can adjust we can all be happier because I won't be a stuff it down gain resentment blow up over nothing problem. I think I will be healthier and happier embracing this and I'm kinda on a get on board or get off mode which is super selfish but I think the kind of selfish I need. I mean I'm asking for an uninterrupted shower not a week trip to Cabo!
I do agree and feel that this is a transition for me to not be a yes dear person but I feel I'm kind and if we can adjust we can all be happier because I won't be a stuff it down gain resentment blow up over nothing problem. I think I will be healthier and happier embracing this and I'm kinda on a get on board or get off mode which is super selfish but I think the kind of selfish I need. I mean I'm asking for an uninterrupted shower not a week trip to Cabo!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
It's good you've done counselling, also sounds like that is - done. If nothing has actually been solved by it.
Perhaps the finances will solve themselves with your new approach. Since you aren't going to give in to everyone's whims - regardless of how negative it is for you. Perhaps that is the next hurdle. You are allowed to say - "I'm not doing that anymore" you know?
That's 2 "we's in a situation where the other person hasn't agreed to anything. Autonomy, decision making (for yourself) is really a self thing, for you and for him. He doesn't have to get onboard, he never has to like it and it might not make him happier. This may just be the way he is comfortable being and you opposing things will make him miserable.
It's kind of like when someone is living with an alcoholic and says me or the alcohol and they leave with their drink.
There is your side of the street and his side of the street, you only need to keep your side tidy, he has to look after his own. I know couples need to agree on things like finances, but there may be a middle ground here? Each of you contribute X amount to savings every month and/or X dollars for counselling every month. But again, he doesn't have to agree.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more - by Melody Beattie - you might find it helpful for setting boundaries and getting a different perspective on your relationship.
This is key. If you wait for consensus on how YOU will be, you'll be waiting a long time!
Perhaps the finances will solve themselves with your new approach. Since you aren't going to give in to everyone's whims - regardless of how negative it is for you. Perhaps that is the next hurdle. You are allowed to say - "I'm not doing that anymore" you know?
if we can adjust we can all be happier
It's kind of like when someone is living with an alcoholic and says me or the alcohol and they leave with their drink.
There is your side of the street and his side of the street, you only need to keep your side tidy, he has to look after his own. I know couples need to agree on things like finances, but there may be a middle ground here? Each of you contribute X amount to savings every month and/or X dollars for counselling every month. But again, he doesn't have to agree.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more - by Melody Beattie - you might find it helpful for setting boundaries and getting a different perspective on your relationship.
I'm kinda on a get on board or get off mode
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