Recovering addict partner
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 36
Recovering addict partner
Ive posted here before and apologise if Im seeming like a round in circles fool. I am in a difficult situation now and doubting myself. When I try to speak to explain myself to my partner I get very tonguetied and feel like Im being silly.
Now hes beed to rehab twice. First for a month. Three yesrs later for 4 months. He promised the last time that hed stay sober etc etc. About a year ago he began smoking weed again. Hes told me that hes taken cocaine on occasion too. I feell like this is a huge kick in the teeth to me and our children because, though we havent discuss ed addiction with them, they were still there, visitng their dad in these rehabilitstion places.
He hasnt drank now in nesrly 2 years and he feels so happy with that. He calls himself sober. Smokes a joint before a zoom meeting, sometimes during and definately after.
He gets angry if I try to express to him that hes dtill in active addiction. He says... Im doing no harm, i smoke a little weed, so what... You cant tell me what to do etc etc.
If it were a case that he alwsys smoked a little and that was it, then id shrug it off as a little annoying, but the fact that there has been so much drama and upheavel with his addiction that I find it insulting and disredpectful for him to ever pick up a drug. But apparently life is hard for him and hes doing no harm.
I feel too afraid to give him an ultiatum incase he gets angry. Hes never hit me, but still, i dont want upset in the house.
Ive put myself forward for counselling as I really need help. I feel so worn down. Just if anyone can relate to this or have a similiar experience with some outcome?
Thankyou.
Now hes beed to rehab twice. First for a month. Three yesrs later for 4 months. He promised the last time that hed stay sober etc etc. About a year ago he began smoking weed again. Hes told me that hes taken cocaine on occasion too. I feell like this is a huge kick in the teeth to me and our children because, though we havent discuss ed addiction with them, they were still there, visitng their dad in these rehabilitstion places.
He hasnt drank now in nesrly 2 years and he feels so happy with that. He calls himself sober. Smokes a joint before a zoom meeting, sometimes during and definately after.
He gets angry if I try to express to him that hes dtill in active addiction. He says... Im doing no harm, i smoke a little weed, so what... You cant tell me what to do etc etc.
If it were a case that he alwsys smoked a little and that was it, then id shrug it off as a little annoying, but the fact that there has been so much drama and upheavel with his addiction that I find it insulting and disredpectful for him to ever pick up a drug. But apparently life is hard for him and hes doing no harm.
I feel too afraid to give him an ultiatum incase he gets angry. Hes never hit me, but still, i dont want upset in the house.
Ive put myself forward for counselling as I really need help. I feel so worn down. Just if anyone can relate to this or have a similiar experience with some outcome?
Thankyou.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
hi penelope, it can feel like going in circles (you're not a fool), until you make the decision to do something about your situation, or not.
Right now you are asking him to change. He doesn't actually have to. He is a grown man and he gets to make that decision. He doesn't have a problem with his drug use, you do. (that's not meant in a harsh way btw).
So where does that leave you. Well, you can either leave or stay. However, if you stay, you really need to accept him just the way he is. Not who you hope he will be, or hope that he will suddenly have an epiphany and realize he's hurting his wife by doing this, it probably won't happen.
That doesn't mean you agree with what he's doing or that you support it.
That's the circle, when you try to change another to suit what you would like - but that's not him.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
An ultimatum, or boundary is only any good if you plan to back it up with action. If you are scared of him, you can always call your local DV branch and they will tell you the best way to leave with the least upset (you don't even have to give them your name). It's also something you can discuss with your counsellor.
Right now you are asking him to change. He doesn't actually have to. He is a grown man and he gets to make that decision. He doesn't have a problem with his drug use, you do. (that's not meant in a harsh way btw).
So where does that leave you. Well, you can either leave or stay. However, if you stay, you really need to accept him just the way he is. Not who you hope he will be, or hope that he will suddenly have an epiphany and realize he's hurting his wife by doing this, it probably won't happen.
That doesn't mean you agree with what he's doing or that you support it.
That's the circle, when you try to change another to suit what you would like - but that's not him.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
An ultimatum, or boundary is only any good if you plan to back it up with action. If you are scared of him, you can always call your local DV branch and they will tell you the best way to leave with the least upset (you don't even have to give them your name). It's also something you can discuss with your counsellor.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hello Penelope
I would whole heartedly agree with trailmix.
So many people look at week as " it's only weed". They don't acknowledge the damage it can cause. Plus it smells revolting!
Weed is dipped in allsorts to make it look like nice, healthy flowers. It's also dipped in cocaine and heroin, which of course, makes it more addictive, and may lead to cocaine and heroin use for some.
It would seem you have some serious thinking to do, do you stay or do you leave? Do you want your children around it? Maybe a discussion with your therapist will help bring clarity.
Much Love
Bute x
I would whole heartedly agree with trailmix.
So many people look at week as " it's only weed". They don't acknowledge the damage it can cause. Plus it smells revolting!
Weed is dipped in allsorts to make it look like nice, healthy flowers. It's also dipped in cocaine and heroin, which of course, makes it more addictive, and may lead to cocaine and heroin use for some.
It would seem you have some serious thinking to do, do you stay or do you leave? Do you want your children around it? Maybe a discussion with your therapist will help bring clarity.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
In my personal experience, my ex reintroduced weed and it was less than a year before other substances were back in the picture, mental health was very unstable, and our relationship fell apart. Active addiction is active addiction.
But as trailmix pointed out, you can’t change him, you can only change your choices in the situation. If living with an addict spouse doesn’t feel safe to you or for your children, then you can absolutely refuse to be with him while he’s using. But unfortunately, we can’t really make anyone stop using, or “see the light,” etc.
But as trailmix pointed out, you can’t change him, you can only change your choices in the situation. If living with an addict spouse doesn’t feel safe to you or for your children, then you can absolutely refuse to be with him while he’s using. But unfortunately, we can’t really make anyone stop using, or “see the light,” etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 36
Thanks
Thankyou all for the replies. You all sound so enlightened and grounded. Thankyou for your wisdom. I told him recently that im feeling quite down and I have arranged to go speak to someone about it. Its just made him angry. Like what? Ive helped him and stayed by his side through addiction and recovery, rinse and repeat and then the one time i say... I need help... Hes saying quite nasty things. Nothing too terrible, but needless, annoying, digs at me and how hes so great because he goes to work and works hsrder than anyone. (i work too) Like im so so tired of all of this
Its very tiresome now. .
Its very tiresome now. .
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