Leesir89

New here; super long post.

I’m not exactly sure how to begin this post. I find my heart heavy and seek support, information, guidance, etc. from this community.

I have known the addict in my life for 3 years. When we first met, I had no idea that he was addicted to anything. After a few months, I saw this happen and out of fear, didn’t question anything. This began a long ride of a very codependent, toxic relationship. Over time, I would learn a lot more and even got to a point of heavily enabling.

As our relationship progressed and got more serious, he attempted to get sober a few times and even after a few months, as soon as there was turbulence, he would go back to using and would result in us breaking up. Once I stopped enabling this behavior, he would find other sources. May of 2022, I ended our relationship as I couldn’t handle the mood swings, selfishness, and general uncertainty day to day. We somewhat kept in contact, but most was him throwing things he was doing in my face or requesting to be intimate with me. I used this time to try to move forward in my life and even started causally dating - but of course, my heart still tied to him. We’d still see each other occasionally, but it wouldn’t last long as I would end things again, because I would quickly see that things hadn’t really changed. I desperately wanted to move forward, but leaving him behind killed my soul. I knew we couldn’t be together, as he couldn’t give me all I needed long term, but my heart would ache for him to change and do better.
November 2022, brought on a mix of lying about drugs, people, and being violent with me that pushed me to finally have enough. I spent the next weeks ignoring calls, texts, and keeping him out as he would come over, knock and beg to be let inside my house. Continuously pushing that until he got sober, he couldn’t be in my life. The pain was unimaginable as I finally put boundaries in place to get him out of my life.

Then came complete silence. Nothing.
for the month of December, I came to accept that things were finally over, and while it was hard and devastating, I was working through all the fears, worries, emotions that came. In my heart I knew something wasn’t right, but with no communication, I pressed forward.

The day after Christmas, I received many calls from and unknown number and finally answered. It was him calling from jail. He had been locked up for almost a month at this point. I was relieved, confused, concerned - all the above.

while in jail, he would call often, he was sober (obviously), and started working while in there, reading, working out, just trying to do better as he passed the time. I would visit him every other Saturday with his mom usually. He seemed to want to go to rehab and work on himself, knowing that things needed to change.

After 5 months in jail, he recently received his plea deal - 12 months in rehab and 30 months probation. He was allowed to come home for 4 days before his parents took him to rehab, yesterday.

I know with everything in me that rehab is the very best place for him to be. Even as he’s sober, he still struggles with his mental health, cravings, and dealing with navigating his emotions and experiences as a sober person. He’s used some form of drugs since he was around 15-16, ranging from weed to meth, with all things in between. This is a 20 year long addiction, so I know he has a long road ahead of him. While I hope and wish that he does all of this and comes home to be the man I want him to be for him, me and us, I know regardless of what happens, this is the best thing for him - even if it takes him on his own journey separately from me.

Seeing how he was these past few days, filled my heart with joy. We talked a lot, able to communicate feelings. I found comfort in his arms. He was the person I knew he could be. However, I was still able to see the issues he faces. With teary eyes and goodbyes, our hearts broke again as we parted ways for him to leave for rehab.

I am very torn with how I want to proceed. I love this man with every ounce of my heart and no doubt would wait for him while he takes the time to work on himself and do the things he needs to do. However, I also know that by doing this, it could result in me getting my heart absolutely shattered over the next year. My plan to put myself first. I want to continue to work on completely releasing the attachment that I have to him and his situation. (As the pain of not talking or seeing him for at least 30 days kills my heart). I truly want to focus on becoming the best version of myself that I can be and hope that he will do the same. However, I’m old enough to know I can’t control people, circumstances, or situations. I can only control myself.

My questions/ need for support is from the people who have experienced this before: how do you show support, be there for someone, while simultaneously releasing attachment and desired outcomes of a situation? Is it best to go no contact and hope that one day your paths cross again or keep minimal contact while setting up boundaries to protect yourself? If you’ve had boundaries for a person you love in rehab, what are they? How do you know that they will be honest and truthful as they may find their thoughts and feelings changing toward people from their past? How do you know they are really putting in the work and excited for change? I know a lot of the focus is on him, I realize that I could change significantly in the next year as well. It just leaves a lot of uncertainty and I would love to navigate this with love and support for him, but mostly with love for myself.

If you’ve made it this far, I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to hear my story and offering any advice you have. Many blessings!

edoering

So, my story doesn’t relate exactly, but this is truly the best thing I’ve ever done:

Build yourself your life. Start with totally independent small things (go to a favorite coffee shop with a book and treat yourself, find a favorite walking path, pick a workout routine). Just keep developing those habits until they feel comfortable and natural.

My old life was so interwoven with my addicted ex that after he left, life felt unreal. Like I was walking in a dream. It was really hard to let go, because I wanted to feel real again, and it felt like I would only feel real with him.

But, after putting one foot in front of the other for enough days, building a routine, and building myself an independent life, I feel VERY real. Even happy, and fulfilled. In my case, my ex has not contacted me, but if your addict loved one reaches out, there’s still room for him in your life! There’s still a chance for you to include him if you want, if he contributed to your life being good in some way. You don’t have to exclude him.

But if he struggles with recovery, you have already started the process of building your own life with or without him, and (maybe) won’t be quite as broken if he can’t stay a part of your life.

I’ll be honest, I really loved my old life, and resented for a while having to lose it. I may have even resisted replacing it with a new one out of fear and not wanting to admit the old was over. But now I honestly just wish I had started sooner.

trailmix

I've never known anyone that has gone to rehab, however, this situation can occur for a number or reasons, including mental challenges, distance etc.

I'm sure this man has many good qualities, but honestly you don't know him as a sober person. His mind probably won't really be clear for a while. He also hasn't faced any challenges, like life challenges, conflict with you, he hasn't the tools to deal with them, he has always turned to drugs. He may not even be ready for a relationship a year from now, after 20 years of substance abuse.

When he was using, he didn't treat you all that well. You, have a high tolerance for poor treatment it would seem? Is there something in your own background that gave you that? That's worth looking at.

He physically abused you, mentally abused you, but you kept forgiving. I'm so glad you decided to use your boundaries to get away from that. Being around an addict, they can become the focus for you, his moods, his issues, his problems, his drama. Now is a great time to step way back from that and look at what you want. What makes you happy. What kind of partner would you be happy with.

No contact is probably your best route, but of course that is up to you. If you do decide to pursue this relationship, are you able to overcome all the damage to the relationship that has already been done? Can you trust him again?

I wouldn't worry too much about "supporting" him, he has a team of professionals helping him. Perhaps focus more on what you need and getting support. Post here, maybe therapy if you want to, Al Anon or Naranon groups.

You might want to read codependent no more, if you haven't already.

Bookbuff

Hey there Lee
I had to go no contact for my own sanity, its one of the hardest things ive ever had to do in my whole life, I just take one day at a time.
I asked him when we start seeing each other about substance use and he said he was clean, I found out December he was using, looking back using a lot and had coke delivered to my home.
When the trust is damaged so bad can we recover? I feel for you but I believe that I lost myself in the relationship by putting them first all the time, this co-dependent way of living is truly soul breaking. Maybe you have lost yourself a bit too?
My ex moved on to his ex addict, so quickly it made me sick.
Maybe to take some time to find yourself, get therapy if you need and read the co dependent no more book.
I feel deeply for your pain and can empathize so much.
I needed to stick to my boundaries, maybe decide what your boundaries are? They hurt when they are crossed but you need to protect yourself. I am only new here but there are some persons around a lot time with a lot of wisdom and they have helped me greatly.
B x

biminiblue

I would seriously consider counseling for yourself at this point.

A man with a criminal record who has abused you in the past is not good relationship material. No two ways around that.

I used to go for the bad boys. Drug and alcohol users, ex cons, men cheating on their wives, abusive. There are plenty of them out there - they can be very charismatic, larger than life characters. Tortured, beautiful, intense, exciting. I would suggest that you run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and get some professional help for yourself. As long as women keep falling for these guys and propping them up, women will continue to be fooled and abused. (I'm assuming you're female here. It applies, regardless.)

I figured out I'm not the Savior, and I can't fix my upbringing by fixing someone else, and I don't have to keep setting myself up to be the, "better person," in a relationship in order to soothe my own ego. They don't change for me, I'm not that special. I finally learned. Chaos and drama is not love, even though it can be its own addiction.

Leesir89

Thank you for your reply. I definitely lost myself on and off throughout this relationship. I took a few days to be sad and then decided to start my own journey. I started yoga classes, doing small projects around my house, doing things I want to do, spending time with family and friends, pouring more into work. Things between us were going good, with the main focus being me. The little he would call, we’d discuss the highlights and overall it was very pleasant. Things seemed to be going well. Then I caught him in a lie this past week and it made me stuck again, for a few reasons. I don’t want to have my peace disturbed again and I don’t want him to have unnecessary distractions from his program stuff. Before he left, my mindset was to wish each other well and go separate as I didn’t want prior trust issues and relationship junk to clog up our individual journeys. He voluntarily told me that women were kept completely separate and they never mixed males and females. I even asked at a later date if they all went to meetings together. He said no, they never mix. This didn’t sit well with me, but for weeks I trusted his word. I told him earlier this week that it still felt off to me and ended up saying “oh well we do mix for one meeting a week” and well, this brought up a lot of past triggers with our relationship history. I wish I knew if you can work through past stuff to trust, because right now I don’t know that I can. Especially the way he reacts to it, it’s not as explosive as before, but he wanted to get off the phone, then we didn’t speak all week and tonight when trying to explain how I don’t want this to interfere with either of our lives and that trust is the most important thing right now, he said “sorry I lied to you when I was on drugs, but are you just going to keep holding that against me and repeating yourself. What do you want me to do?” I was just trying to share my feelings. I’m not necessarily looking for anything from him. Just in my gut I feel it’s best to let go. He’s caused me a lot of hurt over the years and I don’t want to risk my heart again. Then the self doubt kicks in and I don’t want someone else to get the reward, if there even is one right now. Even more confused than I started, but thankfully the hard emotions at the beginning have long passed.

Leesir89

Thank you, @biminiblue for your reply. You bring up a lot of good points. I know my needs aren’t being met currently. However, since my main focus is myself, some days it seems like it’s okay. Especially as we both need to focus on our own paths. I know my feelings are valid and I have a right to feel how I do. But in the grand scheme of things, I feel his time and mine should be spent in better ways that trying to work through our past stuff. I love him and don’t want to lose him, but I’d cut him off before hurting myself again. My heart deserves so much more than that and the truth is, I don’t trust him around other females. At all. He’s proven to me many times that in vulnerable situations, he will find a way to get his needs met and I’m dispensable. I’m not sure how you work through that one. You’ve given me much to chew on!

Leesir89

@trailmix, thank you for your reply. You are right, I have many past childhood issues that have contributed to how low I’ve let men throughout adulthood treat me. I’ve been in therapy for years. It’s something I’ve actively tried to work on, educate myself on, but get caught up at times with attachment. I’m stuck at the “can you trust him again” point in my life. I thought I could, until another situation made me realize maybe I couldn’t. Since my original post, I’ve started yoga classes, poured into work, projects around the home, doing things that I want to do with friends and family, or just relaxing if I have a hard day. One day at a time. Processing things as they come and trying to trust my gut along the way.