Hoping for encouragement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2023
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL
Posts: 10
Hoping for encouragement
I am a mom of a 36 year old drug addict son. I have turned my son over to God's care. I have tried everything and nothing works. Hoping my "doing nothing" will be the answer. Reading your posts is encouragin.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi sher, sorry to hear about your Son.
I don't have any experience with a child's drug addiction, but addiction is addiction and this must make it even harder.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Do you go to AlAnon or NarAnon? If these groups have meetings in your area you might find that really helpful.
There is a stickies section at the top of this forum, not sure if you have already seen it, but you might find those posts helpful as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ers-alike.html (The Library - Important Reading For Newcomers and Old Timers Alike)
I don't have any experience with a child's drug addiction, but addiction is addiction and this must make it even harder.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Do you go to AlAnon or NarAnon? If these groups have meetings in your area you might find that really helpful.
There is a stickies section at the top of this forum, not sure if you have already seen it, but you might find those posts helpful as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ers-alike.html (The Library - Important Reading For Newcomers and Old Timers Alike)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2023
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL
Posts: 10
Thank you for yours response. He ended up in jail and we did not accept his calls from jail. I have never done this before. I hope it does not appear that we have given up on him. We have just reached a new plateau in our life. We are 67 and 66 and dealing with health issues. We simply cannot deal with it anymore. I hope we have done the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I'm not sure what you have been trying up until now or providing, however, whatever it was, wasn't working, because mostly, it just doesn't. A person doesn't give up drugs until they want to, for themselves, not for others.
Sometimes we think we are helping people when maybe we really aren't, in fact we might be hindering them. As a parent you know how distancing from dependant to independent (just in general) can be very difficult and even with the best of intentions can cause great divisions.
Looking after yourselves, that is incredibly important. I hope you are and I hope you are even maybe getting out and having some fun, trying to enjoy your life. Your Son will do whatever he will do (which he probably always has done?).
Sometimes we think we are helping people when maybe we really aren't, in fact we might be hindering them. As a parent you know how distancing from dependant to independent (just in general) can be very difficult and even with the best of intentions can cause great divisions.
Looking after yourselves, that is incredibly important. I hope you are and I hope you are even maybe getting out and having some fun, trying to enjoy your life. Your Son will do whatever he will do (which he probably always has done?).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2023
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL
Posts: 10
I was wondering it anyone who has an addicted loved one has every just cut off all communication entirely. Like I said before, we did not accept his calls from jail. We always had. We do not answer our phone with an "unknown" number, only if we know who is calling. In the past, if he called and we answered, it was always "I am so sorry. I need help. I won't do this again". etc. etc. etc. This is happened time and time again. So we pick him up and arrange for rehab etc.etc.etc. He gets out and is good for a few months and resorts right back to the drugs. So we decided no communication whatsoever. With God all things are possible. So I am not giving up, just praying for him morning, noon, and night.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hello Sher
My son is also the addict in my life. A little younger than your son, at 29.
He has veen in and out of prison too, over the last 9 years, and always full of good intentions for when he gets out. I have seen him once, in 3 years. I have minimal contact with him via txt message and a rare phonecall. If he starts the relentless requests for money, I block him for a while.
i dont think this is harsh. Its something I have to do to protect my own well-being. My son walks his path, and I mine.
We can't waste the rest of our lifes trying to help adult men, who don't want to be change.
We are important, and deserving of peace and joy in our life. Hang in there!
Much Love
Bute x
My son is also the addict in my life. A little younger than your son, at 29.
He has veen in and out of prison too, over the last 9 years, and always full of good intentions for when he gets out. I have seen him once, in 3 years. I have minimal contact with him via txt message and a rare phonecall. If he starts the relentless requests for money, I block him for a while.
i dont think this is harsh. Its something I have to do to protect my own well-being. My son walks his path, and I mine.
We can't waste the rest of our lifes trying to help adult men, who don't want to be change.
We are important, and deserving of peace and joy in our life. Hang in there!
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2023
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL
Posts: 10
You have no idea how much your message meant to me. So I am not a no-good useless mom because I have let my son go live his life, knowing it could mean his life. Thank you for taking the time to respond. God bless you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Sher - Absolutely no one could have made me stop drinking until I was ready. I was oblivious to all the misery I was creating & didn't realize the awful position I had put my family & friends in.
You sound like a lovely mother - and of course you're not useless. I can imagine the heartache you've been through, and I'm so sorry for that. But please know that you are not alone.
Prayers going up for you & your family.
You sound like a lovely mother - and of course you're not useless. I can imagine the heartache you've been through, and I'm so sorry for that. But please know that you are not alone.
Prayers going up for you & your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Really it can't be right or wrong? He is going to do whatever he is going to do, whether you return his calls or not. Has he ever done any different. Has he asked for money and he'll get out of the hole and then he will "quit".
Are his circumstances always so dramatic and negative and he's giving it his best but he just can't seem to do it?
Has he said he can do this on his own, he wants to, you'll see?
I'm guessing you have been propping him up, making sure he has a place to live and food etc (not judging this or saying you are right or wrong by the way). It won't make him quit, not before he is ready. You really only have 2 paths here. You continue propping him up or you don't. You let his addiction really become a big part of your lives, or know you can't "fix" him but you can try to live a really good life yourselves.
If he is still in jail, there is probably a really good reason why he is. Is there really anything to be done about that? Anyway, I hope you are holding up ok, I know this must be so hard for you.
Are his circumstances always so dramatic and negative and he's giving it his best but he just can't seem to do it?
Has he said he can do this on his own, he wants to, you'll see?
I'm guessing you have been propping him up, making sure he has a place to live and food etc (not judging this or saying you are right or wrong by the way). It won't make him quit, not before he is ready. You really only have 2 paths here. You continue propping him up or you don't. You let his addiction really become a big part of your lives, or know you can't "fix" him but you can try to live a really good life yourselves.
If he is still in jail, there is probably a really good reason why he is. Is there really anything to be done about that? Anyway, I hope you are holding up ok, I know this must be so hard for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Sher
I'd say no right or wrong way - it's about what you and your husband want/need to do for your own well-being.
Your son can write to you if he wants to get in touch. You can also choose whether you want to reply or not.
Keep putting yourselves first.
Much Love
Bute x
I'd say no right or wrong way - it's about what you and your husband want/need to do for your own well-being.
Your son can write to you if he wants to get in touch. You can also choose whether you want to reply or not.
Keep putting yourselves first.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2023
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL
Posts: 10
Question: If someone is in the hospital receiving care for having fallen (said he jumped to commit suicide) from a truck, can he go to homeless shelter? He has no where to go since it is not his home town. Will shelters take someone on crutches? Asking for a friend. Yeah right. That someone is my drug addict son and I am still not taking his calls. I think he said that about committing suicide so I will help him. No joke. He has lied lied lied so many many many times. We don't know when to trust him. I don't know what to do. He needs psychiatric help and we, as parents, do not have that training. We don't know what to do.
I love this: If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it. {The story of my life}
I love this: If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it. {The story of my life}
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Sher
Yes, I had all the threats of suicide too. There's never any guarantees of course, but if would responded every time, we would end up going insane.
I made a decision to step back, and let my son be. I just couldn't put myself through any more of his chaos.
I wouldn't imagine being on crutches would prevent a person being accommodated in a shelter, but I have no idea how it works in your part of the world.
Just keep breathing, and putting one step infront of the other.
Much Love
Bute x
Yes, I had all the threats of suicide too. There's never any guarantees of course, but if would responded every time, we would end up going insane.
I made a decision to step back, and let my son be. I just couldn't put myself through any more of his chaos.
I wouldn't imagine being on crutches would prevent a person being accommodated in a shelter, but I have no idea how it works in your part of the world.
Just keep breathing, and putting one step infront of the other.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2023
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL
Posts: 10
Thank you Bute for those words. I cannot call him back, offer to come get him, give him a place to live, feed him, clothe him, only to have him say Thanks Mom and return to his old ways. I have done that so many time, you cannot count them all. I gave him to God. That's all I can do. May God see him through. I cannot any longer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
Hello Sher
You are totally doing the right thing by not taking his calls. If he's going to recover he needs to do it himself. I'm glad you see through his promises and lies. I'm not taking calls from my son either. I've blocked him because I had to. I can't take any more verbal abuse from him. It hurts and it's intended to hurt. Your son, like my son has to figure out his own life, though my ex husband remains his enabler, I will no longer tolerate his behaviour.
As for the attempted suicide, ignore it is my advice. My son sent me a message a couple of years ago saying "Goodbye Mum I'm going to kill myself". I panicked as he was on the opposite side of the world and I called his local police who went to his apartment and knocked on his door. The frantic calls cost me $300 in total being put on hold and from one department to another. My son answered the door to the cops and he was fine. He did it again a second time. The second time he said "Don't call the cops, goodbye". Of course I did call the cops and again they went around and he was fine. Addicts create drama and chaos around them. If my son can't get hold of a drink when he's with me, he creates an argument so that he can storm off and leave me hurt and confused. I got wise to these dramas and I saw a pattern to everything. It's all very calculated.
I've been a passenger on this roller coaster ride for many years and I'm sick of it and sick of him. I'm also sick of his father who's in denial and refuses to speak to me - so he's got the problem to deal with. I will no longer make it my problem. I told my ex husband that if he didn't confront the problem years ago, he would have an unhappy and miserable retirement coping with our son. He chose to ignore me. When I confidentially wrote to my son's uncle, I was told that I was crazy and not to contact them again. My retirement savings have been considerably diminished because of helping our son and nothing has ever worked, none of the help or advice I've offered, none of the transatlantic dashes over to Portland have helped, nothing helps. Know that nothing helps, so don't try anymore.
We're all scared that our sons are going to die before us, so we feel compelled to help them. That was my biggest fear as my friend lost her son at 36 to a heroin overdose and that fear kept me enabling my son.
All I can now do is help myself and make it my mission to enjoy my retirement. I'm 67 and I've worked hard all my life. This is my time and he's not going to spoil it for me with his great big pity party. I'm done trying and I advise you to stick to the 'no contact' you have put in place. Stay strong. All the best.
You are totally doing the right thing by not taking his calls. If he's going to recover he needs to do it himself. I'm glad you see through his promises and lies. I'm not taking calls from my son either. I've blocked him because I had to. I can't take any more verbal abuse from him. It hurts and it's intended to hurt. Your son, like my son has to figure out his own life, though my ex husband remains his enabler, I will no longer tolerate his behaviour.
As for the attempted suicide, ignore it is my advice. My son sent me a message a couple of years ago saying "Goodbye Mum I'm going to kill myself". I panicked as he was on the opposite side of the world and I called his local police who went to his apartment and knocked on his door. The frantic calls cost me $300 in total being put on hold and from one department to another. My son answered the door to the cops and he was fine. He did it again a second time. The second time he said "Don't call the cops, goodbye". Of course I did call the cops and again they went around and he was fine. Addicts create drama and chaos around them. If my son can't get hold of a drink when he's with me, he creates an argument so that he can storm off and leave me hurt and confused. I got wise to these dramas and I saw a pattern to everything. It's all very calculated.
I've been a passenger on this roller coaster ride for many years and I'm sick of it and sick of him. I'm also sick of his father who's in denial and refuses to speak to me - so he's got the problem to deal with. I will no longer make it my problem. I told my ex husband that if he didn't confront the problem years ago, he would have an unhappy and miserable retirement coping with our son. He chose to ignore me. When I confidentially wrote to my son's uncle, I was told that I was crazy and not to contact them again. My retirement savings have been considerably diminished because of helping our son and nothing has ever worked, none of the help or advice I've offered, none of the transatlantic dashes over to Portland have helped, nothing helps. Know that nothing helps, so don't try anymore.
We're all scared that our sons are going to die before us, so we feel compelled to help them. That was my biggest fear as my friend lost her son at 36 to a heroin overdose and that fear kept me enabling my son.
All I can now do is help myself and make it my mission to enjoy my retirement. I'm 67 and I've worked hard all my life. This is my time and he's not going to spoil it for me with his great big pity party. I'm done trying and I advise you to stick to the 'no contact' you have put in place. Stay strong. All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2023
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL
Posts: 10
Thank you Condiimum for those words. You described this scenario exactly. Drama. Drama. Drama. I never saw it that way but that's exactly what it is. I am 67 also and have done this for 18 years. My husband has a failing heart and I am choosing to live these years helping him and being with him. I have done all I can for my 36 year old. I raised him, fed him, clothed him, attended all his sporting events, helped him with courses at school (he went to a tough boys school in Nashville for 2 years), the list goes on. You know. You did it too. I will love him from afar. I will pray for him from afar. But it will be from afar. You can bet on that. I love this forum and this website. I found it a few days ago when I was about to lose my mind. Thank God I did. May God bless you and may He take care of our children in a way that we can't!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Sher
I too was thankful to find out that I wasn't alone with my son's addiction. I took great strength from the wisdom of others posts, who had gone through similar.
I took reached the point where I was done with the drama and chaos. I had to step off the crazy train! My life began to improve when I took that decision. It did stop my son using, nor his behaviourss, but it chsnged how I responded to him.
Much Love
Bute x
I too was thankful to find out that I wasn't alone with my son's addiction. I took great strength from the wisdom of others posts, who had gone through similar.
I took reached the point where I was done with the drama and chaos. I had to step off the crazy train! My life began to improve when I took that decision. It did stop my son using, nor his behaviourss, but it chsnged how I responded to him.
Much Love
Bute x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
