woodlandlost

After work, yesterday I received a text. “I need help”. This text comes after a couple of weeks of non-stop drinking. It was a desperate cry, I could tell. I watched this sad person struggle to put flip flops on her feet. She sweater was stained, her hair was damp, her face blotched with red and she shook. I was able to block out the feelings I only now am flooded with; total heartbreak. This was my wife, this was my daughter’s mother. She used to bring me comfort, she made our house beautiful. I felt oddly detached from reality as we traversed the narrow staircase in her apartment. She was breathing hard and struggling with every step. I felt nothing, yet I knew there was so much inside of me that was punching hard, trying to escape.



The parking lot walk was treacherous. Needing many stops to make it to the entrance. I got a wheelchair and helped her into it. At that moment my heart fell through my stomach. As I looked down at her head, her hair loss was apparent. She shook and quietly sobbed. I moved down the hallway and spoke to the nurse and they knew her. My wife, the frequent flier at the hospital emergency room. The punches kept flying. I had an overwhelming feeling of anger, wanting to protect her from the humiliation of the situation. She sat in that chair, resigned and empty. Watching her as we sat in the waiting room was so tragic. She was writhing, shaking and sobbing. Whatever force field I thought I had built up was broken all around me and it was all I could do not to lash out at the universe.



She went into the emergency room and we waited a few hours before a doctor came. During that time she fell asleep and I watched her sleep. She looked peaceful, calm and perhaps not in agony at that moment. It made me so upset. She was finally seen by a doctor that told her she could spend the night for observation but could not fully detox there. She didn’t like that answer. She demanded to go home. She signed a form, and hobbled out. I took her home.



I am writing this because I had to. The pain of alcoholism is real and is with me still.

LilyLady1

So sad and so tragic. Wishing you peace.

suki44883

Oh, how sad. It's good to hear from you again, but I'm so sorry it is under such awful circumstances. How is your daughter doing?

MyGirlGracie

I am so terribly sorry... my heart goes out to you.

woodlandlost

My daughter is 15 years old now. Unreal. She is a bright light in my life. She is doing well, her mom comes in and out, misses birthdays the usual stuff. I know it hurts her, but she rarely shows it. I still get the odd full meltdown where she tells all. She is thinking about doing a trades program through the high school, so proud of her.

suki44883

Wow! How time flies. I am glad to know she is doing well. It's so hard for the kids. I was one of those kids. It's good she has her school activities to help keep her mind occupied. I know you are so very proud of her. Sometimes we forget just how much we need our children. You are lucky to have each other. I wish peace and comfort to all of you.

trailmix

hi wandl, I'm glad you posted, I have been wondering how you are.

It's a tragedy for sure. You have been so strong, I know it's really hard on you and of course I'm so sorry for that. I really hope that one day she will seek recovery,

Yes, your Daughter is growing up so fast! A trades program would be a great thing and it's always good when a young person really looks at what they might want to train for.

mylifeismine

Hi Woodland, good to hear from you, wish the circumstances were different though.
I worry about you though, and how unfair it is that with a text she can bring you
into this downward spiral of emotions that I'm sure linger with you for days, weeks....
Is this happening frequently? Is there someone else she calls besides you?
It is completely ethical and moral and emotionally healthy to respect your own needs
and say no to what has become unmanageable for you. You have yourself and your
daughter to consider as your priority, as heartbreaking as it is to see someone choose
addiction. You can always call 911 for her.....please consider it next time ((( hugs)))

Amaranth

Hi woodland
sorry for the circumstances that prompted you to post. You have been so strong throughout. Your daughter is doing well. That's great to hear. Strength to you both

Webby1970

I am so sorry. I sobbed reading your words and I could feel your heartache. My husband is at this place. The man that our 3 girls idolized, now losing himself to alcohol. I pray for you and others like all of us who love someone we can’t really help, but desperately losing ourselves and not giving up. Thank you for sharing this. I wish I had better words for you. If anything, the ability to share and release these feelings in a safe place, while we carry on our lives outside of the home, pretending everything is ok- this place gives some relief- for a moment.

have you gone to counseling to attended any support group meetings?

woodlandlost

I am getting back on the electronic al-anon meetings. The last few months I have been getting dragged in. UGH

trailmix

I haven't been in that place wandl but I can imagine how hard it is not to get dragged in. It's wise to get back in to al anon (and post here!).

Shamrock51

What a story and nice to meet you. I am at the beginning of this journey with my own wife, though it is nowhere near these depths and we have no children, but we do have a 24-year marriage that is at stake. All I would ask is I know you feel indebted, but how far are you willing to continue this when it hurts you so much? If she is not going to go into recovery then it only brings you down. I know you desperately want to help and she is the mother of your wonderful daughter, but when do YOU come first. Many hugs to you. Your story is extremely moving.