What helps you through?
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 50
What helps you through?
What are some things that help you remain calm, centered, joyful in the midst of f bad days with your loved one? I am approaching my own situation with a growing sense of reality. As I see the "bad" things for what they are, I come to recognize what is truly good in these days, instead of clinging to sugarcoated things to get by. Clarity is such a gift even if it comes late.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Swedechef
I think when living with an addict, you hsve a VIP ticket to the crazy show. You are in the firing line for abusive behaviours. To find calm and joy, would be extremely difficult, if nigh impossible. Even if you were to ignore him, he wouldn't do likewise. You are there, and available as a target.
It's not safe for you and the baby, as his behaviour will be unpredictable. The behaviours he displays are indicative of very unstable mental health, which of course is exacerbated with the drugs and alcohol. He sounds exactly like my son, and I would tell any female to give him a wide berth.
It really may be the best option for him to leave, or for you and the baby to move out. Do you have options? Can you move in with family?
Much Love
Bute x
I think when living with an addict, you hsve a VIP ticket to the crazy show. You are in the firing line for abusive behaviours. To find calm and joy, would be extremely difficult, if nigh impossible. Even if you were to ignore him, he wouldn't do likewise. You are there, and available as a target.
It's not safe for you and the baby, as his behaviour will be unpredictable. The behaviours he displays are indicative of very unstable mental health, which of course is exacerbated with the drugs and alcohol. He sounds exactly like my son, and I would tell any female to give him a wide berth.
It really may be the best option for him to leave, or for you and the baby to move out. Do you have options? Can you move in with family?
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
As bute mentioned, you have a front seat, that's all.
You can't fix him, the further you get away from him the better off you will be. I'm sure you are worried about your child growing up in such a hostile, negative and abusive environment, with drugs around as well. You are very right if that's the case. It will affect your child, they will live in fear and it can also cause a host of problems in their adult lives as well.
I can't think of a way that anyone could live in that environment and be joyful. You can stay away from him as much as possible, that's really it.
You can't fix him, the further you get away from him the better off you will be. I'm sure you are worried about your child growing up in such a hostile, negative and abusive environment, with drugs around as well. You are very right if that's the case. It will affect your child, they will live in fear and it can also cause a host of problems in their adult lives as well.
I can't think of a way that anyone could live in that environment and be joyful. You can stay away from him as much as possible, that's really it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2023
Posts: 2
So true! 'crazy show' and 'target' 'for abusive behaviors.'
Originally Posted by Bute 
Hi Swedechef
I think when living with an addict, you hsve a VIP ticket to the crazy show. You are in the firing line for abusive behaviours. To find calm and joy, would be extremely difficult, if nigh impossible. Even if you were to ignore him, he wouldn't do likewise. You are there, and available as a target.
It's not safe for you and the baby, as his behaviour will be unpredictable. The behaviours he displays are indicative of very unstable mental health, which of course is exacerbated with the drugs and alcohol. He sounds exactly like my son, and I would tell any female to give him a wide berth.
It really may be the best option for him to leave, or for you and the baby to move out. Do you have options? Can you move in with family?
Much Love
Bute x
I think when living with an addict, you hsve a VIP ticket to the crazy show. You are in the firing line for abusive behaviours. To find calm and joy, would be extremely difficult, if nigh impossible. Even if you were to ignore him, he wouldn't do likewise. You are there, and available as a target.
It's not safe for you and the baby, as his behaviour will be unpredictable. The behaviours he displays are indicative of very unstable mental health, which of course is exacerbated with the drugs and alcohol. He sounds exactly like my son, and I would tell any female to give him a wide berth.
It really may be the best option for him to leave, or for you and the baby to move out. Do you have options? Can you move in with family?
Much Love
Bute x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 50
On the surface everything is ok. Maybe I'm crazy. He is always telling me I'm the stupidest person he's ever met, and you know what I can't argue.
He's not using but he thinks like an addict and always will. It's not that he lied in the past, it's that he actually thinks i deserve to be lied to. So I can't trust him again. He's always saying he's spent all his happiness on others, he literally just tells me I'm expecting too much if I want to be happy, to have a say in our future plans, even just get any affection or joke around. I mean...he just says he won't do that for me. I'm just here to do his chores to guess. And be ok with it.
Very depressing and what if he's right? I feel really alone and I have to bear all this knowledge of him, yet I really don't know this person. It's like living with a stranger. I've given myself over completely to someone I don't know, I feel disconnected from myself.
But there's no concrete reason I can give for leaving him and there's a baby.
Guess I need to grow up and just do my best for the little one.
He's not using but he thinks like an addict and always will. It's not that he lied in the past, it's that he actually thinks i deserve to be lied to. So I can't trust him again. He's always saying he's spent all his happiness on others, he literally just tells me I'm expecting too much if I want to be happy, to have a say in our future plans, even just get any affection or joke around. I mean...he just says he won't do that for me. I'm just here to do his chores to guess. And be ok with it.
Very depressing and what if he's right? I feel really alone and I have to bear all this knowledge of him, yet I really don't know this person. It's like living with a stranger. I've given myself over completely to someone I don't know, I feel disconnected from myself.
But there's no concrete reason I can give for leaving him and there's a baby.
Guess I need to grow up and just do my best for the little one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 50
That's really a bummer 
I don't want to be such a drag. All the people who post about breaking up with an addict do not know HOW LUCKY they are, I know that comes with pain but the only advice I can give for sure is FREE YOURSELF.
I don't want to be such a drag. All the people who post about breaking up with an addict do not know HOW LUCKY they are, I know that comes with pain but the only advice I can give for sure is FREE YOURSELF.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by Swedechef2
But there's no concrete reason I can give for leaving him
You two are obviously very incompatible, true? It happens! People break up every day, people get divorced every day for that very reason. Not all relationships are meant to be forever. This is probably one of those.
Now, of course, it's complicated by the fact you have a baby, but that doesn't mean you have to throw in the towel and just stay. You get to decide, not him. Also, is this the environment, this hostile environment, that you want your child to experience.
The fact that he's sober is good I guess, the fact that he is not a nice person, is not.
Don't every believe what he tells you about yourself, it sounds like he is just deflecting from his own miserable self.
Is it possible you could leave? Do you want to?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 50
It has sort of drifted into a situation where everyone is just depressed all the time. Better than fighting. I am trying to process how we got here, I am finally to the point where I can see my own flaws. Maybe this is just how life is going to be, we can put on a happy face for the kid. I guess I worry something may set him off, even if things go as well as they can, there is always the fear he may relapse even years from now for no reason as you hear happen. I can't see myself making him even more unhappy, he is just a self declared miserable person, I don't want to make it worse.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
For what its worth, here are a few thoughts. Take what helps and discard the rest:
Situations like the one you are in do not develop overnight (I am sure you know that). And, like any problem that develops over time, once the tragedy has occurred, one can either try to work on problem solving within the situation, or work on problem solving from outside it.
Think about if your roof falls in because of a leak you ignored. You can try to live in the house while you repair it, or you can go somewhere else while you assess the damage and repair it (if it can be repaired).
If this analogy resonates, then the questions are:
Will you stay or go? You do not have to make final decisions about everything, you just need to figure out if you can solve the problem from inside it or if you need distance for now.. From your post it sounds like you are aware of how deep and complex your situation is, so unpacking all that and making steady progress toward a better place will be a challenge, and made all the harder because you have a baby. Each of the various situations you mention will require an adult negotiation to resolve and it sounds like that has been a challenge in your situation. There will be no quick, easy shortcuts.
If you want to stay, here are some questions:
What help do YOU need to make sense of this, take care of yourself and your child to make progress? You may want to call your local county welfare office, pastor, NarAnon group, family, crisis pregnancy center or women's center - anyone and everyone you can think of to get some support for you.
At what point would it make sense for you to leave? Do you have a line that once crossed means it is no longer viable? My sister stayed with her addict husband through 3 kids and 7 years of abuse until she left only because her mental health had deteriorated to the point of repeated hospitalizations. Without some kind of plan, the situation will continue to deteriorate, even if the addict is technically sober. Sober in my experience just means someone is now conscious enough to start doing the work of maturing. Its the beginning, not the end. So if you both don't have a way to continue to work, the relationship will not improve. You cannot do it alone.
If or when you decide it is time to leave (temporarily or permanently) consider:
What resources are available to support you. Again, family, welfare services, women's shelters, etc. There ARE resources out there, but you have to make many phone calls and find both a competent and caring person in the system to help you navigate it and not give up after one or two phone calls. A competent person knows things and a caring person is willing to help you. A competent person who does not care is not helpful and obviously a caring person who is not competent can't help. So make whatever phone calls you need to make to find what you need.
How will you manager the aftermath of leaving? What support do you need to avoid the all to common problem of bouncing back and forth, leaving, regretting, returning, regretting, leaving (rinse, repeat).
No matter what you decide, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. And THAT is your baby. If you use your love for that baby to fire your intelligence and courage, and if you trust and develop a relationship with your higher power, you will find your way.
Prayers,
Situations like the one you are in do not develop overnight (I am sure you know that). And, like any problem that develops over time, once the tragedy has occurred, one can either try to work on problem solving within the situation, or work on problem solving from outside it.
Think about if your roof falls in because of a leak you ignored. You can try to live in the house while you repair it, or you can go somewhere else while you assess the damage and repair it (if it can be repaired).
If this analogy resonates, then the questions are:
Will you stay or go? You do not have to make final decisions about everything, you just need to figure out if you can solve the problem from inside it or if you need distance for now.. From your post it sounds like you are aware of how deep and complex your situation is, so unpacking all that and making steady progress toward a better place will be a challenge, and made all the harder because you have a baby. Each of the various situations you mention will require an adult negotiation to resolve and it sounds like that has been a challenge in your situation. There will be no quick, easy shortcuts.
If you want to stay, here are some questions:
What help do YOU need to make sense of this, take care of yourself and your child to make progress? You may want to call your local county welfare office, pastor, NarAnon group, family, crisis pregnancy center or women's center - anyone and everyone you can think of to get some support for you.
At what point would it make sense for you to leave? Do you have a line that once crossed means it is no longer viable? My sister stayed with her addict husband through 3 kids and 7 years of abuse until she left only because her mental health had deteriorated to the point of repeated hospitalizations. Without some kind of plan, the situation will continue to deteriorate, even if the addict is technically sober. Sober in my experience just means someone is now conscious enough to start doing the work of maturing. Its the beginning, not the end. So if you both don't have a way to continue to work, the relationship will not improve. You cannot do it alone.
If or when you decide it is time to leave (temporarily or permanently) consider:
What resources are available to support you. Again, family, welfare services, women's shelters, etc. There ARE resources out there, but you have to make many phone calls and find both a competent and caring person in the system to help you navigate it and not give up after one or two phone calls. A competent person knows things and a caring person is willing to help you. A competent person who does not care is not helpful and obviously a caring person who is not competent can't help. So make whatever phone calls you need to make to find what you need.
How will you manager the aftermath of leaving? What support do you need to avoid the all to common problem of bouncing back and forth, leaving, regretting, returning, regretting, leaving (rinse, repeat).
No matter what you decide, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. And THAT is your baby. If you use your love for that baby to fire your intelligence and courage, and if you trust and develop a relationship with your higher power, you will find your way.
Prayers,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Oh, and one other thing... sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. But if you are thoughtful and choose the right path, the getting worse will result in getting better in the long run.
It is important to think both short and long term (very hard to do) and choose based on the positive outcome you are striving for. If you are fearful of a short term outcome from an action meant to gain a long term benefit, find ways to get support so you can do what you need to do without being paralyzed with fear.
It is important to think both short and long term (very hard to do) and choose based on the positive outcome you are striving for. If you are fearful of a short term outcome from an action meant to gain a long term benefit, find ways to get support so you can do what you need to do without being paralyzed with fear.
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