Horrible weekend with the alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Horrible weekend with the alcoholic boyfriend
Many Mondays I spend recovering quietly at home after a horrendous weekend with my alcoholic boyfriend (we live together). This weekend was one of the worst in a while. We went to visit his alcoholic mother and she had her siblings visiting. Many are former drug addicts. I did not want to go and my boyfriend bullied me into going. He also got drunk the night before and couldn't drive there himself, so he forced me to do it. I need help setting and enforcing boundaries. I cannot go on like this. Another thing he often does on the weekends is ask me to go on a walk with him and his dog at the park. We leave the house and I think it will just be the walk, but it turns into an entire day with him stopping for alcohol. He embarrasses me in public a lot with the way he acts, the things he says. I cannot do this much longer.
I got my master's degree recently and have been offered a well paying job with good benefits. I'm unsure if I want to take it and one of the reasons is because the days coincide with the same days he works. So that means I would never have a day to myself away from him. That is the only way i have been able to maintain my sanity at this point.
He is also a hypochondriac and is driving me crazy. He will get very drunk and then a few days will pass and he will begin looking up stuff about liver and kidney issues caused by alcoholism, wake me up at 3 am and I have to calm him down. I am so tired of this cycle of madness. I really need help detaching with love. Can anyone recommend some resources for this? I am losing my mind and not doing well. His mom is a whole other story. I do not want to be involved with his family anymore. She is an alcoholic who frequently makes up huge lies for attention (like that she has a horrible fatal illness and then it turns out she doesn't have it). His parents are divorced and his dad cannot live on his own much longer. He is also an alcoholic and had no retirement or long term care plan in place for himself and it is falling on my boyfriend. His dad is also young to be experiencing all of the health issues he is facing, but he has spent a large majority of his life abusing alcohol. I have tried to help my boyfriend with resources available for people like his father, but he doesn't follow through with making the phone calls, etc (I cannot do this for him as I am not a relative of his father nor do I think I should have to take on this responsibility). I have filled out tons of paperwork to get his father aid in various ways. He has mentioned moving his dad into the house and I cannot live under the same roof as both of them. I refuse! I am at my whit's end.
Over the weekend my boyfriend was physically and verbally abusive and broke a lot of my belongings. This is not the first time this has happened. I hate living like this. I hate having to put away a lot of things because he might break them... I hate living in fear. He will have days where he apologizes, etc but it always comes back to this. I'm so tired. I'm afraid to take the position I was offered because I'm worried I won't be able to balance my life at home and the position. He makes my life feel unmanageable.
I got my master's degree recently and have been offered a well paying job with good benefits. I'm unsure if I want to take it and one of the reasons is because the days coincide with the same days he works. So that means I would never have a day to myself away from him. That is the only way i have been able to maintain my sanity at this point.
He is also a hypochondriac and is driving me crazy. He will get very drunk and then a few days will pass and he will begin looking up stuff about liver and kidney issues caused by alcoholism, wake me up at 3 am and I have to calm him down. I am so tired of this cycle of madness. I really need help detaching with love. Can anyone recommend some resources for this? I am losing my mind and not doing well. His mom is a whole other story. I do not want to be involved with his family anymore. She is an alcoholic who frequently makes up huge lies for attention (like that she has a horrible fatal illness and then it turns out she doesn't have it). His parents are divorced and his dad cannot live on his own much longer. He is also an alcoholic and had no retirement or long term care plan in place for himself and it is falling on my boyfriend. His dad is also young to be experiencing all of the health issues he is facing, but he has spent a large majority of his life abusing alcohol. I have tried to help my boyfriend with resources available for people like his father, but he doesn't follow through with making the phone calls, etc (I cannot do this for him as I am not a relative of his father nor do I think I should have to take on this responsibility). I have filled out tons of paperwork to get his father aid in various ways. He has mentioned moving his dad into the house and I cannot live under the same roof as both of them. I refuse! I am at my whit's end.
Over the weekend my boyfriend was physically and verbally abusive and broke a lot of my belongings. This is not the first time this has happened. I hate living like this. I hate having to put away a lot of things because he might break them... I hate living in fear. He will have days where he apologizes, etc but it always comes back to this. I'm so tired. I'm afraid to take the position I was offered because I'm worried I won't be able to balance my life at home and the position. He makes my life feel unmanageable.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Hi Mira, what a horrible situation to be in. There is no way to enforce boundaries with your boyfriend, except to stay away from him.
Your safety really has to be your first priority. You are not safe there. You may not even want to tell him you are leaving. Your local domestic violence organization can help. Please don't be afraid or hesitant to call them. They are there for situations like you are in, they understand and you can even be anonymous if you like. You are in danger, this should probably be your first step.
They can put you in touch with agencies that can help you if needed (housing, benefits) but most importantly they can advise on how you can leave safely. If you have a plan you will feel so much better.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)
Resources - If you haven't read this book yet, it's the most often book recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. Then there is Al Anon, they have online meetings but it would probably be very helpful to attend in-person meetings if they are offered anywhere nearby. You will be talking to people who understand where you are coming from (like they do here).
But all that is secondary to getting out of there. Plenty of time to reflect and think about all this after you have found a safe place.
Over the weekend my boyfriend was physically and verbally abusive
They can put you in touch with agencies that can help you if needed (housing, benefits) but most importantly they can advise on how you can leave safely. If you have a plan you will feel so much better.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)
Resources - If you haven't read this book yet, it's the most often book recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. Then there is Al Anon, they have online meetings but it would probably be very helpful to attend in-person meetings if they are offered anywhere nearby. You will be talking to people who understand where you are coming from (like they do here).
But all that is secondary to getting out of there. Plenty of time to reflect and think about all this after you have found a safe place.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,055
Hi Mira, this sounds like a pretty miserable living situation. Sadly alcoholics tend to get worse; some of them do hit some kind of bottom and decide to change many do not.
Please educate yourself to the best of your ability about alcoholism and codependency. If you do decide to leave please take precautions as it can be dangerous.
Big hug to you. Stay safe and let us know how you get on.
Please educate yourself to the best of your ability about alcoholism and codependency. If you do decide to leave please take precautions as it can be dangerous.
Big hug to you. Stay safe and let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello mira,
I'm so sorry for what brings you here. I am glad that you recognize that what your boyfriend is doing is abusive. Because it is.
What trailmix has posted for you is part of our larger series of posts about abuse. I hope you will get the opportunity to read through the information.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
Also, the people at the Domestic Abuse Violence Support Hotline (USA), are amazing and can provide invaluable support for you too.
https://www.thehotline.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
I'm so sorry for what brings you here. I am glad that you recognize that what your boyfriend is doing is abusive. Because it is.
What trailmix has posted for you is part of our larger series of posts about abuse. I hope you will get the opportunity to read through the information.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
Also, the people at the Domestic Abuse Violence Support Hotline (USA), are amazing and can provide invaluable support for you too.
https://www.thehotline.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Forget "detaching with love" - that is your codependency talking. I know, I have it too., so I understand. But your relationship is very dysfunctional and you need to get out and live your life. Take that great job. Feel no shame leaving that relationship. Leave him to his disease and dysfunctional family. He will either figure it out or not but you have NO CONTROL in this situation - he will do what he and his addiction wants.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,464
Mira,
You sound like you are in misery and can’t see that there is a way out. You do not need to stay in this situation, please listen to the smart words of people who have been through similar situations and maybe you can get yourself into a safe situation sooner rather than later. We are not meant to live at the whim of others.
You sound like you are in misery and can’t see that there is a way out. You do not need to stay in this situation, please listen to the smart words of people who have been through similar situations and maybe you can get yourself into a safe situation sooner rather than later. We are not meant to live at the whim of others.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Your boyfriend is a dead end at this point. There isn't anything you or anyone else can do to make him or his family change. Every day you stay will be more of the same. Leave and don't look back. It's not about hurting him, it's about saving YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Thank you all for the replies. I am feeling so lost and confused today. I have been with him 4 years and in that 4 years, nothing about his drinking or behavior has changed at all. He did a failed stint in rehab, came out and drank more. He always trash talks me to his friends and family and then says how he loves me. I am really reaching the end of my rope. I lived in another country before and I miss it there, but I am very indecisive and can't make solid decisions to save my life. I have always had this problem. I come to regret a lot of my decisions (I regret the field my master's degree is in even though I can easily get a job in this field).
This situation is not easy because we have animals. I can't take them all with me because at least 2 are really his (even though I take care of them). But I am attached to them and they are attached to me.
It's very hard to untangle myself from this situation. I also don't tell my family much of what's going on because it's so embarrassing. My bf blew up at me again last night over something small. He tends to direct his anger and rage toward me when he is stressed out with his alcoholic parents. His dad was having gross sexual hallucinations last night and called him to tell him about it (I did not and do not want to know the details). This really sends me into panic mode because my boyfriend has mentioned possibly moving his dad in with us due to his declining ability to live alone. I will not live with that man - no way in hell.
I qualified for a mortgage recently, but I am afraid to purchase a home and tie myself down (especially where I currently live, which is not the state I'm from and I have no family here). The housing market is so competitive right now. I secretly went and looked at a house yesterday, but it already has an offer on it. I loved the house, but I won't be able to get it because it's already pending and passed the inspection, etc so there's no point in even placing a backup offer. I rarely ever see houses I would want to buy in the area I live (and I live in an expensive housing market and many of the houses are not that great for the price that is asked).
I just feel so lost and can't make decisions when I'm under this type of stress.
This situation is not easy because we have animals. I can't take them all with me because at least 2 are really his (even though I take care of them). But I am attached to them and they are attached to me.
It's very hard to untangle myself from this situation. I also don't tell my family much of what's going on because it's so embarrassing. My bf blew up at me again last night over something small. He tends to direct his anger and rage toward me when he is stressed out with his alcoholic parents. His dad was having gross sexual hallucinations last night and called him to tell him about it (I did not and do not want to know the details). This really sends me into panic mode because my boyfriend has mentioned possibly moving his dad in with us due to his declining ability to live alone. I will not live with that man - no way in hell.
I qualified for a mortgage recently, but I am afraid to purchase a home and tie myself down (especially where I currently live, which is not the state I'm from and I have no family here). The housing market is so competitive right now. I secretly went and looked at a house yesterday, but it already has an offer on it. I loved the house, but I won't be able to get it because it's already pending and passed the inspection, etc so there's no point in even placing a backup offer. I rarely ever see houses I would want to buy in the area I live (and I live in an expensive housing market and many of the houses are not that great for the price that is asked).
I just feel so lost and can't make decisions when I'm under this type of stress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by BlownOne 
Your boyfriend is a dead end at this point. There isn't anything you or anyone else can do to make him or his family change. Every day you stay will be more of the same. Leave and don't look back. It's not about hurting him, it's about saving YOU.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Being with him might be negatively impacting your ability to make decisions, also. The constant uncertainty, instability, FOG, etc.
Is there a way you could get away even for a vacation? A chance to be out to clear your head?
I think being somewhere where you have more support (either family or friends) could be great for you.
Is there a way you could get away even for a vacation? A chance to be out to clear your head?
I think being somewhere where you have more support (either family or friends) could be great for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,464
Sounds like his dad moving in and you moving out could be a good solution. I know that sounds cold- but this is a terrible situation for you. Pack up the pets and GO. Get a nice place near your family- the ties you have to him are all emotional- not legal- and let me tell you, that's a win. It will be hard, but 4 years was a very good effort. And, I am betting your family (tell them!!!!!) will be a strong support to you- there is NO SHAME in any of this- you did not cause it, but now you are drowning in it. It's time to make some decisions so you don't look back in 4 more years, because it is not going to get better anytime soon.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,555
Go.
You're assuming no one knows about his drinking. When my AH died, I was very surprised that the associates who only saw him on occasion were well aware he was an alcoholic.
You have so much going for you: a master's degree (!), you qualify for a loan (even if your current locale is not your dream) you realize homes in the area are "not that great for the price that is asked."
I do not know, nor do I want to, what "sexual hallucinations" are - fantasies? maybe? and he calls his son to chat about them?
The longer you stay, the more difficult it is to untangle your life from his. The father/son dynamic sounds a little sketchy.
You're assuming no one knows about his drinking. When my AH died, I was very surprised that the associates who only saw him on occasion were well aware he was an alcoholic.
You have so much going for you: a master's degree (!), you qualify for a loan (even if your current locale is not your dream) you realize homes in the area are "not that great for the price that is asked."
I do not know, nor do I want to, what "sexual hallucinations" are - fantasies? maybe? and he calls his son to chat about them?
The longer you stay, the more difficult it is to untangle your life from his. The father/son dynamic sounds a little sketchy.
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