Struggling190

My story is extremely long and I have other posts if you want to read it in detail. Basically I was in a relationship for 8 years and had to leave and move out 7 months ago due to his alcoholism. I could not take it anymore. I started dating someone new around 3 months after the breakup and this guy was an angel and treated me like gold. Has a great family and he is overall a perfect partner. I found out my ex was 6 months sober and I broke up with my boyfriend because I was confused and wanted to talk to my ex. So I did. The first couple days everything was good he was a completely different person. He is sober. But he’s sober now yet still so toxic and so bad for me. We hung out a few times and I’ve become very overwhelmed and don’t like many of his behaviors. I thought him not drinking would fix everything but there’s so many other problems he’s so controlling and toxic. Other guy was not at all. I have now told my ex of 8 years I need time I need solitude to figure out what I want because old patterns are showing and he’s making me feel like **** telling me all I do is leave. What do I do? He keeps blowing up my phone telling me I’m evil and that I always mess with his head but I just want to take care of myself and he’s too much for me right now. I slept with him and he just was acting possessive and crazy. I then told him it would never work after he freaked out out on me and told me he hopes i die and to never speak to him again. I meant. It. Im done. He lost it and blew me up for days. Last night he kept begging to come see me just to talk saying he has no one else to talk to. I was with other guy that I was dating. My addict ex freaked out blew up both of our phones told me if I didn’t answer in two minutes I would make Him lose it. He said why would u come back into my life just to leave I’m not doing this again. I can’t go tHrU this again. I didn’t answer him and he took his firearm to his mothers house and went and relapsed after 7 months sober. I feel so terrible. I feel Ike it is my fault. I didn’t want to go back just to leave in fact it killed me but i had to know for sure. He kept telling me all u do is leave and I just feel like a piece of trash that caused this. He was fine until I came back around. Is this my fault? The gun part makes me so upset. I can’t get over the gun that he felt the need to do that because he may do something. I feel broken I feel like I broke him. But I can’t fix him I tried. Did I cause this?

trailmix

So he told you he wanted you back, so you went back.

Then he treated you terribly and abusively so you (rightly) left.

Now he's furious that you are looking out for yourself? He gets drunk and has a firearm.

Does all of this sound completely wrong to you? It should don't you think?

Block him, stay away, run far far away from him and never look back. If he ever threatens you, please call the police immediately.

You can become addicted to this kind of on again off again, little crumbs of affection type of relationship, but it's very bad for you (and obviously doesn't work for him either!). You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, you will never receive that from him. Let him go and find his own way out of this. His drinking or using other drugs is his issue, not yours. Unless you tied him down and drugged him, it's not your "fault".

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c;s).

edoering

It’s not your fault.

One of the most important things they emphasize in NA/recovery is that “life happens on life’s terms.” Active addiction often looks like resenting life for being unfair, and blaming life or life events for the addict’s choices. Yes, life can suck. Yes, someone can break your heart. You can lose your job. Sh*t happens. That doesn’t mean you give up recovery. Recovery is even more important in the hard times. Being hurt is a risk we ALL take when we have any relationships. It’s a risk he took. It is his responsibility how he handles that, not yours.

Troubledone

I think deep down you know the answer to your own question. But for the record, no, it is not your fault. Sometimes it's easier to blame ourselves than to think that someone has made a really bad choice and does not want to address it. For me, self blame was a subtle way of trying to regain control - if I was to blame I could fix it, if I was not to blame, only sadness remained.

But maybe there are other questions that might be more useful to you?

What might you do with your life if you weren't involved in all this drama? Why do you feel responsible for his actions? Relapsing is a choice and as they say, relapse is part of recovery. If something in his life was beyond his coping skills, his opportunity is to learn new coping skills, not blame you. And if he chooses not to mature in this way, that is his choice.

Pray, hope, don't worry and set boundaries. Good luck.
Sounds like the new guy deserves a chance. (my humble opinion)

Sueby

I repeated this pattern for a couple of years post split. It always ended the same way and started back up the same way, with the same empty promises- which I always fell for. It wasn’t until I acknowledged the pattern that I sought help and finally got the tools to say no once and for all. But it was very hard.

Every once in awhile he shows up and I have to drum up the courage to tell him to go away. And for days after I’m on high alert, tense thinking he’s on my doorstep again. But the good (if anything positive can be got from it) is that it reinforces my conviction and determination that I’m doing the right thing. But I really, really hate how it makes me hibernate and the feeling that he still has that little bit of control. It’ll get better and his visits are far between now, so I know continuing with this plan will yield results.

That and hoping he meets someone new 😁.

Dee74

I'm in agreement with all the responses.
This guy is showing you who he is really is - ignore that at your peril.

Not your fault.

D