It’s like a bad movie!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 13
It’s like a bad movie!
Today my AH (seperated 2 months) showed up at my home breaching his no contact order. He had warned me before through text but I shut my phone off to avoid the conflict knowing that sometimes he talks a big game. I was wrong. He barged in collected a bottle of whiskey and a few items but told me if I called the police he was going to kill himself and left. Mind you this was all in front of my 17 year old daughter. I had no choice but to call the police, this led to a 5 hour police stack out in front of his apartment as he wouldn’t come out. He was in there smoking crack took speed pills and drinking, repeatedly calling me and texting me throughout the whole ordeal. Saying he was ending his life and wasn’t going to jail. He blames me for all of what led up to his drug use and what was happening. I know deep down I did the right thing but can’t help but feel responsible. He eventually passed out and police were able to enter and detain him. How to people get through the guilt and grief? Also the silence the accompanies? I can’t seem to stop the ruminating thoughts of I could of done things differently or said something to avoid this whole thing. He looking at a bunch of charges and jail time. I still love him guys, the drugs took him over, I’ve read some many threads and I do find comfort in them but am still lost.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Metcalfe!
Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. He is in the hands of people who can help him. In all the time you were with him, did anything you said or did make one whit of difference in his behavior? It certainly never did for my addict loved ones. You were never the problem or the solution. Isn't it relieving to know that you simply don't have that power or control over someone else?
You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to drink, do drugs, and repeatedly spit vile at you through text messages. That's all on him. And there are consequences to actions--even if someone is very ill. And make no mistake, your AH is very ill. But he has also had the choice all along to reach out for help. It doesn't sound as though he ever did.
Hopefully, he will have time to reflect during his enforced sobriety. Hopefully, he will reach out for help now.
Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. He is in the hands of people who can help him. In all the time you were with him, did anything you said or did make one whit of difference in his behavior? It certainly never did for my addict loved ones. You were never the problem or the solution. Isn't it relieving to know that you simply don't have that power or control over someone else?
You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to drink, do drugs, and repeatedly spit vile at you through text messages. That's all on him. And there are consequences to actions--even if someone is very ill. And make no mistake, your AH is very ill. But he has also had the choice all along to reach out for help. It doesn't sound as though he ever did.
Hopefully, he will have time to reflect during his enforced sobriety. Hopefully, he will reach out for help now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
You can't stop ruminating thoughts, but you can challenge them.
Usually ruminating thoughts are the mind's way to try to regain control of an uncontrollable situation. What usually does not work is to try to squash the ruminating thoughts - they are like trying to hold a beach ball underwater - exhausting. But you also don't want to be ruled by them either.
I don't know if this will help, but by way of example, here are a few thoughts that I might have in your situation and thoughts to replace them with by way of challenging the assumptions in the ruminating thought...
"If I had been kinder, wiser, quieter, louder, bigger, smaller, more caring, less caring etc., .this would not have happened" replaced by "I did everything I knew to do at the time, and if it had been any normal person, my actions would not have caused this outcome."
"The drugs have taken him over, surely there is something I can do to save him:" replaced by "No person has the ability to stop another person if they are determined to make a bad decision. It is not possible for me to throw a net over him, confine him or otherwise prevent his behavior. I can turn him over to my higher power"
"I love him so I need to do something to help him" replaced by "Loving someone means letting them learn from their mistakes. Besides loving him I respect him and believe that if he wants to, he can accept the consequences of his behavior and learn from it."
Hopefully you get the idea.
Most ruminating thoughts are part truth and part untruth which is why they are so hard to unpack and require a little work. The idea is to let them come up, examine the actual thought, (best to write them down), look for what is true and what is either unknown or not true, and then construct a new and more helpful thought. If you keep a record, after a while you'll have more accurate and healthier thoughts. This practice helped me maintain my sanity during the worst of times.
This forum can also be a way to offer to other posters some of your thoughts and ask for help to construct better replacements.
I guess I should also mention that my addict (niece) did do jail time, as well as time in mental commitment. What appeared to be a bad thing was instrumental in her survival. Jail is not always a bad thing.
Love ;and prayers,
Usually ruminating thoughts are the mind's way to try to regain control of an uncontrollable situation. What usually does not work is to try to squash the ruminating thoughts - they are like trying to hold a beach ball underwater - exhausting. But you also don't want to be ruled by them either.
I don't know if this will help, but by way of example, here are a few thoughts that I might have in your situation and thoughts to replace them with by way of challenging the assumptions in the ruminating thought...
"If I had been kinder, wiser, quieter, louder, bigger, smaller, more caring, less caring etc., .this would not have happened" replaced by "I did everything I knew to do at the time, and if it had been any normal person, my actions would not have caused this outcome."
"The drugs have taken him over, surely there is something I can do to save him:" replaced by "No person has the ability to stop another person if they are determined to make a bad decision. It is not possible for me to throw a net over him, confine him or otherwise prevent his behavior. I can turn him over to my higher power"
"I love him so I need to do something to help him" replaced by "Loving someone means letting them learn from their mistakes. Besides loving him I respect him and believe that if he wants to, he can accept the consequences of his behavior and learn from it."
Hopefully you get the idea.
Most ruminating thoughts are part truth and part untruth which is why they are so hard to unpack and require a little work. The idea is to let them come up, examine the actual thought, (best to write them down), look for what is true and what is either unknown or not true, and then construct a new and more helpful thought. If you keep a record, after a while you'll have more accurate and healthier thoughts. This practice helped me maintain my sanity during the worst of times.
This forum can also be a way to offer to other posters some of your thoughts and ask for help to construct better replacements.
I guess I should also mention that my addict (niece) did do jail time, as well as time in mental commitment. What appeared to be a bad thing was instrumental in her survival. Jail is not always a bad thing.
Love ;and prayers,
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