Looking for support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 1
Looking for support
Hi all,
I am brand new to this website and I apologize in advance for the anticipated long post.
I have found comfort in reading through your threads. I'm mostly looking for support from people who have had similar situations to myself. I have tried to express some of my feelings to others close to me but they will never understand (at no fault of their own.. and it's a good thing that they don't).
Recently I cut all ties with my addict mother. She's been an addict my whole life; starting with prescription pills back when you could doctor hop. Then my sister became a local drug dealer and started dealing heroin and cocaine to my mother as well. Back when we were kids she was never home. And when she did come home she was always high. My sister and I learned how to take care of her and called an ambulance for her once as well.
I remember one time my dad dropped my sister and I off at my mothers house just after both of our birthdays. My dad knew she struggled with addiction and money issues so he decided to buy a cake for us to hand to her so she could celebrate with us. When we handed the cake to her, she was so high she dropped it straight on the floor and just stared at it for several minutes before realizing what had happened. My dad asked if she celebrated with us the next time he saw us and I felt almost guilty admitting what had happened.
Back when I was 19, I let my mother live with me.. which was the worst mistake of my life (also when she started using heroin). She went into work later than I did so I would give her my rent check to hand to my landlord in the mornings after I left for work. Lo and behold she kept them and my rent was not being paid. Fast forward three months when I learned she wasn't paying the rent by my landlord banging on the door.. breaking windows and threatening to kill me. When he left to get a spare key to make entry I fled and called the cops.
I moved out from there and my mother swore over and over she was clean. No surprise I found her OD'd MANY times after she promised she was clean. It absolutely traumatized me every time. Multiple times she was blue and gone but miraculously was revived... I used to volunteer as an EMT but its completely different when its your own family. I was also completely embarrassed because I personally knew a lot of the cops and first responders in the community. But then they started accusing me of also being involved.
Even though my last name has a terrible reputation with the community, I was lucky enough to be given a chance to prove I was not them and was hired as a 911 dispatcher a few years ago. Also, after finding heroin in the house, my boyfriends parents were kind enough to take me into their home and I have found a bit of peace being away. Though, I have had a rough and embarrassing couple of months at my job. Back in October, my sister was charged with possession w/ intent to distribute while I was on shift. Everyone knew. Then in November my mother was charged with possession... And my sister again in December for possession.
At this point I occasionally had contact with my mother at random to check in or I would come see my cat and dog she has at her house or drop off food for them. I still paid for all of my animals food and medical bills. But, after I learned about her last arrest I told her I needed no more contact with her and the ultimatum of either taking ownership and financial responsibility for my animals and I will sign them over to her or I could rehome them. We agreed to have them stay at her house, she will take ownership and that she will no longer contact me for any reason.
BUT somehow I'm struggling with feeling guilty, angry and flat out sad. I have no one to talk to who can relate and I'm really hoping to find peace in this thread from some advice or wisdom from others who share my experience.
(Id also like to add that I have started therapy this week to also try to get myself some help)
I am brand new to this website and I apologize in advance for the anticipated long post.
I have found comfort in reading through your threads. I'm mostly looking for support from people who have had similar situations to myself. I have tried to express some of my feelings to others close to me but they will never understand (at no fault of their own.. and it's a good thing that they don't).
Recently I cut all ties with my addict mother. She's been an addict my whole life; starting with prescription pills back when you could doctor hop. Then my sister became a local drug dealer and started dealing heroin and cocaine to my mother as well. Back when we were kids she was never home. And when she did come home she was always high. My sister and I learned how to take care of her and called an ambulance for her once as well.
I remember one time my dad dropped my sister and I off at my mothers house just after both of our birthdays. My dad knew she struggled with addiction and money issues so he decided to buy a cake for us to hand to her so she could celebrate with us. When we handed the cake to her, she was so high she dropped it straight on the floor and just stared at it for several minutes before realizing what had happened. My dad asked if she celebrated with us the next time he saw us and I felt almost guilty admitting what had happened.
Back when I was 19, I let my mother live with me.. which was the worst mistake of my life (also when she started using heroin). She went into work later than I did so I would give her my rent check to hand to my landlord in the mornings after I left for work. Lo and behold she kept them and my rent was not being paid. Fast forward three months when I learned she wasn't paying the rent by my landlord banging on the door.. breaking windows and threatening to kill me. When he left to get a spare key to make entry I fled and called the cops.
I moved out from there and my mother swore over and over she was clean. No surprise I found her OD'd MANY times after she promised she was clean. It absolutely traumatized me every time. Multiple times she was blue and gone but miraculously was revived... I used to volunteer as an EMT but its completely different when its your own family. I was also completely embarrassed because I personally knew a lot of the cops and first responders in the community. But then they started accusing me of also being involved.
Even though my last name has a terrible reputation with the community, I was lucky enough to be given a chance to prove I was not them and was hired as a 911 dispatcher a few years ago. Also, after finding heroin in the house, my boyfriends parents were kind enough to take me into their home and I have found a bit of peace being away. Though, I have had a rough and embarrassing couple of months at my job. Back in October, my sister was charged with possession w/ intent to distribute while I was on shift. Everyone knew. Then in November my mother was charged with possession... And my sister again in December for possession.
At this point I occasionally had contact with my mother at random to check in or I would come see my cat and dog she has at her house or drop off food for them. I still paid for all of my animals food and medical bills. But, after I learned about her last arrest I told her I needed no more contact with her and the ultimatum of either taking ownership and financial responsibility for my animals and I will sign them over to her or I could rehome them. We agreed to have them stay at her house, she will take ownership and that she will no longer contact me for any reason.
BUT somehow I'm struggling with feeling guilty, angry and flat out sad. I have no one to talk to who can relate and I'm really hoping to find peace in this thread from some advice or wisdom from others who share my experience.
(Id also like to add that I have started therapy this week to also try to get myself some help)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,479
Hi DuckyTheDino and welcome to SR 
Wow, that’s a lot to process for you. I’m so sorry for what’s bought you here, and while I’m not ACOA, I can understand your depth of feeling - families are meant to be safe nurturing places.
Rest assured that you are not alone here, you belong and will find support and encouragement
D
Wow, that’s a lot to process for you. I’m so sorry for what’s bought you here, and while I’m not ACOA, I can understand your depth of feeling - families are meant to be safe nurturing places.
Rest assured that you are not alone here, you belong and will find support and encouragement
D
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