New here - need advice
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 2
New here - need advice
This is a strange one.
I started talking to a guy on a dating app this time last year. We did the usual texting back and fourth, but before long (a week or so) I noticed strange behaviours in him so things died out (or I stopped responding more to the point).
Fastforward several months of no contact and me going about my life as normal he messages me and tells me he has a problem with cocaine - that he has finally admitted it to himself and his family and wants to get better. I replied and gave him some encouragement and kind words and that was basically it. I later found out he was going through some sort of psychosis from using cocaine and had messaged a lot of people he barely knew saying the same thing (he did genuinely tell his family and admitted to having a problem - which is positive, but never entered treatment as he convinced them he could beat it alone)
Fastforward another 4ish months of no contact and I was out in a city about two hours away with my friend. We went into a random bar we had never intended on going to and I posted an obligatory instagram story of where I was. To my shock this guy messaged me and told me he was currently living above that exact bar as he was on a contract job as an electrician in the area. I drunkenly told him to come meet us and he did. He wasn’t drinking but knowing what I know now he was using coke.
We stayed up that night talking and he told me about his drug problem ( I think at this point he just wanted someone to listen to him - I don’t think he could be completely honest with his family for fear of hurting them but he let a lot out with me as I was basically a stranger). The next day I felt uneasy because as much as he was a lovely person - it would be silly of me to get involved with someone in active addiction right?
I don’t know what possessed me but my usual cautiousness went out the window and for the next month we spoke every day. It did turn somewhat romantic and he started to rekindle his relationship with his father and I could kind of see the light back in his eyes compared to the first few times we met.
I supported him, listened, and spoke to him about treatment options which he finally started 3 weeks ago. A 30 day residential programme.
He asked if I would visit but I said I couldn’t - that he needed to use this time to focus on himself and I should be far down the list of his priorities - given we only knew each other a very short time. He has called since being in treatment and he seems to be doing really well. He said his counsellor has said I’m a positive force in his life.
His mother passed away 2 years ago - fuelling his addiction. And he has told me that without the kindness and guidance (and sometimes tough words) I’ve shown him he doesn’t know where he would be. He has also said that me walking into that random bar a million miles away from where either of us are from, but where he happened to have been stationed for work - was fate.
I like this man. There are feelings there. But I’m terrified that I could hurt his recovery. I know starting a new relationship so soon into his journey is not advised usually by professionals (it’s probably worth noting I have a degree in psychotherapy and while I’m in a totally different industry now I have worked in addiction before - which I think enabled me to support him into starting treatment - but on that note I should probably know better in terms of letting this turn into something romantic). I’m just so torn.
I know relapse is common. I know he has a long way to go and I know he is far from being the ideal partner I would have originally seen myself with. But I see so much good in him. Is it wrong of me to want to be by his side? I’ve told him when he is finished with treatment we can meet as friends to do sober activities. I want to remind him of what life is like outside of the one he’s been caught up in the past few years due to grief/addiction. Is this a bad idea?
I started talking to a guy on a dating app this time last year. We did the usual texting back and fourth, but before long (a week or so) I noticed strange behaviours in him so things died out (or I stopped responding more to the point).
Fastforward several months of no contact and me going about my life as normal he messages me and tells me he has a problem with cocaine - that he has finally admitted it to himself and his family and wants to get better. I replied and gave him some encouragement and kind words and that was basically it. I later found out he was going through some sort of psychosis from using cocaine and had messaged a lot of people he barely knew saying the same thing (he did genuinely tell his family and admitted to having a problem - which is positive, but never entered treatment as he convinced them he could beat it alone)
Fastforward another 4ish months of no contact and I was out in a city about two hours away with my friend. We went into a random bar we had never intended on going to and I posted an obligatory instagram story of where I was. To my shock this guy messaged me and told me he was currently living above that exact bar as he was on a contract job as an electrician in the area. I drunkenly told him to come meet us and he did. He wasn’t drinking but knowing what I know now he was using coke.
We stayed up that night talking and he told me about his drug problem ( I think at this point he just wanted someone to listen to him - I don’t think he could be completely honest with his family for fear of hurting them but he let a lot out with me as I was basically a stranger). The next day I felt uneasy because as much as he was a lovely person - it would be silly of me to get involved with someone in active addiction right?
I don’t know what possessed me but my usual cautiousness went out the window and for the next month we spoke every day. It did turn somewhat romantic and he started to rekindle his relationship with his father and I could kind of see the light back in his eyes compared to the first few times we met.
I supported him, listened, and spoke to him about treatment options which he finally started 3 weeks ago. A 30 day residential programme.
He asked if I would visit but I said I couldn’t - that he needed to use this time to focus on himself and I should be far down the list of his priorities - given we only knew each other a very short time. He has called since being in treatment and he seems to be doing really well. He said his counsellor has said I’m a positive force in his life.
His mother passed away 2 years ago - fuelling his addiction. And he has told me that without the kindness and guidance (and sometimes tough words) I’ve shown him he doesn’t know where he would be. He has also said that me walking into that random bar a million miles away from where either of us are from, but where he happened to have been stationed for work - was fate.
I like this man. There are feelings there. But I’m terrified that I could hurt his recovery. I know starting a new relationship so soon into his journey is not advised usually by professionals (it’s probably worth noting I have a degree in psychotherapy and while I’m in a totally different industry now I have worked in addiction before - which I think enabled me to support him into starting treatment - but on that note I should probably know better in terms of letting this turn into something romantic). I’m just so torn.
I know relapse is common. I know he has a long way to go and I know he is far from being the ideal partner I would have originally seen myself with. But I see so much good in him. Is it wrong of me to want to be by his side? I’ve told him when he is finished with treatment we can meet as friends to do sober activities. I want to remind him of what life is like outside of the one he’s been caught up in the past few years due to grief/addiction. Is this a bad idea?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I personally think it's a bad idea, yes, unless you want to be his therapist. That's really what you are, someone he can lean on and talk to, I'm sure you are a good listener.
He has been an addict for some time. He doesn't really know who he is sober probably, that's something he needs to work on, to work on how to live life sober. Feelings, coping, communication, being in the world sober, these are things he will be dealing with.
His social life has probably centered around drugs. His buddies probably use too.
You would actually be doing him a favour probably by distancing yourself. What if he does relapse? Will you support him while he's using? What if he doesn't want to go back in to treatment? You will be really attached to him, possibly by then, it will be very, very difficult to break away. I hope you will read around the forum.
Perhaps you might agree to a friendship in say a year, when he (hopefully) has a stronger foothold in sobriety. No contact between now and then is also probably a good idea. I'm not saying you need to "wait" for him at all, but if you want his friendship, it's a much safer route, for both of you. New relationships can be hard, he should be focusing on his recovery really.
Anyway, a few things to ponder.
He has been an addict for some time. He doesn't really know who he is sober probably, that's something he needs to work on, to work on how to live life sober. Feelings, coping, communication, being in the world sober, these are things he will be dealing with.
His social life has probably centered around drugs. His buddies probably use too.
You would actually be doing him a favour probably by distancing yourself. What if he does relapse? Will you support him while he's using? What if he doesn't want to go back in to treatment? You will be really attached to him, possibly by then, it will be very, very difficult to break away. I hope you will read around the forum.
Perhaps you might agree to a friendship in say a year, when he (hopefully) has a stronger foothold in sobriety. No contact between now and then is also probably a good idea. I'm not saying you need to "wait" for him at all, but if you want his friendship, it's a much safer route, for both of you. New relationships can be hard, he should be focusing on his recovery really.
Anyway, a few things to ponder.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,872
You are ready for a love relationship and he is not.
I use "love" in the broadest sense of the word that includes a friendship relation.
It will take some time for him to fix things in his new sober life.
It would be a fragile relation for now so yes, I think it's a bad idea.
I use "love" in the broadest sense of the word that includes a friendship relation.
It will take some time for him to fix things in his new sober life.
It would be a fragile relation for now so yes, I think it's a bad idea.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your comments. I guess I just needed some other opinions on what I already knew.
I do feel guilt in having to distance myself from him once he is out of treatment - any advice on how to do this in a compassionate way?
I do feel guilt in having to distance myself from him once he is out of treatment - any advice on how to do this in a compassionate way?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I would tell him honestly. You have thought about it and you believe it would be best for you to have no contact for a while (maybe suggest a year). Tell him it would be great if he just focused on his sobriety and you focused on your life.
Just keep in mind it's not a negotiation.
You could also say (if you want to) that perhaps you could get back in contact in a year and if he is up for it then, you would be happy to be friends (ie, he's still sober). Let him know it is widely believed and wise advice not to start a new relationship while early in sobriety (and that you believe this, if you do).
That's it really, you can also let him know you think a lot of him and that he is a good person.
It will probably hurt him a bit no matter how you word it, but at least right now he has a team of people to talk to.
Just keep in mind it's not a negotiation.
You could also say (if you want to) that perhaps you could get back in contact in a year and if he is up for it then, you would be happy to be friends (ie, he's still sober). Let him know it is widely believed and wise advice not to start a new relationship while early in sobriety (and that you believe this, if you do).
That's it really, you can also let him know you think a lot of him and that he is a good person.
It will probably hurt him a bit no matter how you word it, but at least right now he has a team of people to talk to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,872
I second Trailmix in all points.
Be honest and get straight to the point.
It is very likely that he will try to negotiate a compromise.
You will have to stick to your decision.
As so often in life, clean cuts are much easier to manage.
Courage in your journey StephanieMarie
Be honest and get straight to the point.
It is very likely that he will try to negotiate a compromise.
You will have to stick to your decision.
As so often in life, clean cuts are much easier to manage.
Courage in your journey StephanieMarie
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