Batgirl273

Quick recap: together 4 years. Broke up because of his drinking, cheating, lying. He also said he wanted kids (I don't.). I went no contact immediately, he spiraled for 2 years. He got into a relationship with the woman he cheated with, who is a single mom.

Fast foward 2 weeks ago, he randomly texts me. I ignore it.
Last night, he liked me on a dating app.he had just signed up. All of his settings say "no drinking/no smoking/does not want kids".....?!

He messages "how are you?". I respond a day later with "good. You?" And he responds in paragraphs. Telling me he's been sober 11 months, his mental health is so much better and that he has regrets and guilt around what happened between us that he can't let go. He asks me to meet for coffee. I have NO idea if he's still with girlfriend. I heard he was.

We've done this before. We've broken up so many times and he's lied about being sober before. The fact his profile seems very tailored to my and the issues we had is weird. It feels manipulative and suspect. I don't know his motives for wanting to meet. Our break up was the hardest thing I've ever recovered from. Took me 2 years to finally be okay and not breakdown.

What do I do? Part of me wants to go out of curiosity, another part wants to just block him. I do not think its to reconcile. I wouldn't. But to say I don't care about him would be lying.

suki44883

Well, since you asked, I'll tell you. Do NOT go. You have enough history with him to know that this is just an attempt at manipulation. If it took you two years to get over him, why would you for one second consider opening that door? His guilt, if he even really has any, is his to deal with. You spent two years dealing with the pain he caused you.

You have reason to believe he is still with the girlfriend. So, why is he on a dating site? He's looking for something better. Then, he sees you are on there. What could be better? Someone he already knows so he doesn't have to go through the "getting to know you" phase. He's hoping you will be receptive and he thinks once you see him, he can wear down your defenses. Don't fall for it.

Batgirl273

Thats basically what I was thinking too. My only concern about this is, if he's actually sober this time... it might be the 'closure' I need too. If he's sober and capable of having a proper discussion, and empathizing with the pain he caused me, I could forgive and that chapter can be resolved. But then there's the.. what if he's lying again, what if he is sober but hasn't done the work and its just a pity party for him... my gut tells me he just wants to unload his feelings on me to relieve himself. I don't think he has any interest in how badly he hurt me and to apologize. I just don't know if its worth the risk to find out.

suki44883

It isn't worth the risk. You can forgive him without seeing him. Closure is something you give yourself; not something you receive from anyone. It just isn't worth the risk. You deserve much better.

Seren

It definitely feels manipulative to me. If it were me, and I realize it's not, I would block him on the dating app and any other way he could weasel his way into my line of sight. Then I would say a little prayer wishing him well, and I would continue on with my life.

overit263

Seems like your closure was that he hurt you and it took years to get over it - don’t meet up. My ex husband tried to pull this years after our split “I’m clean, I’m going to church” etc etc - all the while he was using. Or you could look at it this way: being around you could bring back his old behaviors (since he’s already being manipulative and found you on a dating app after trying to contact you - also addict behavior) so why risk a spiral/relapse for both of you?