What kind of recovery is this???
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Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 1
What kind of recovery is this???
Hey all. I’m really bummed that I’m finding myself on this forum this morning. I am really trying to find some logic in what I’m going through…
Husband had 7 years sobriety when we got together. 5 year marriage and 2 kids later, my husband is in a program.
As a backstory, his relapse was year 3 in our marriage. I didn’t know what I was dealing with but felt something was off. Things went missing, things didn’t add up and i had no idea to what extent how bad it was. I was pregnant with baby #2 and I finally confronted him because he was going to watch our other child while I worked. He went to detox, came back for the holidays and went right back to using. Went to detox again, left to be with me for the birth and relapsed a month later (all his decisions). I kicked him out and told him he needs treatment and I will not take him back. Went to detox, was kicked out for fraternizing and sent to an IOP. Did great and we did couples therapy there. He was about to be exited out and he went MIA. Revoked ROI, relapsed and his parents found him a week later, homeless. We talked to him and after a trip to hospital detox, mental psych ward and a rehab detox, he went to a new program.
this program did not reach out as much as the other and he was in a sober house with the program. Doing great, working program, he seemed different. Healthier and looking like he wanted this. The plan was that he was not going to come straight home and so he had to find a sober living place until he can prove his sobriety over time because of the kids. A month ago, he found a house that people from the rehab were going to rent out. He got a job, I bring the kids to visit, seems like all is good.
This week I received a message from a girl who told me she is my husbands girlfriend and they have been together for almost 3 months. He told her we had an official divorce and I know all about their relationship and am cool with it. She is living with him in the sober house and they met in the program. She told me how he is doing so well in the program, everyone loves him and she can’t believe he lied….
i called him. He didn’t deny it and said we talked about separation before and it didn’t seem like it was going to work out. We talk everyday and he tells me how he can’t wait to come home. I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know….. I’m thinking “he doesn’t know if he wants his wife and kids?!?!”
two days later he wants to talk. Say he wants to be with me but doesn’t know how that’s going to work out with his sobriety. He’s still with the girl because he has no where to go. He then told me he talked to a therapist all day after the exposure and wanted to have a long talk. He told me all the truths of our marriage meaning he fessed up to stealing and lying about his addiction. He also told me he was abused as a child and has never told anyone about it. He wants me to think about everything and we can talk decisions in a day.
so, i come here to ask WTF?!
i know I need to protect myself and kids and am filing for legal separation. I don’t want to file divorce….yet. But is this guy even doing recovery right? He’s with someone from the program. Lied about his wife and kids. Why would he finally confess to all the lies? I care about him and am thinking of him as the father of my kids but the lingering of the cheating, feeling not good enough is eating me alive.
Husband had 7 years sobriety when we got together. 5 year marriage and 2 kids later, my husband is in a program.
As a backstory, his relapse was year 3 in our marriage. I didn’t know what I was dealing with but felt something was off. Things went missing, things didn’t add up and i had no idea to what extent how bad it was. I was pregnant with baby #2 and I finally confronted him because he was going to watch our other child while I worked. He went to detox, came back for the holidays and went right back to using. Went to detox again, left to be with me for the birth and relapsed a month later (all his decisions). I kicked him out and told him he needs treatment and I will not take him back. Went to detox, was kicked out for fraternizing and sent to an IOP. Did great and we did couples therapy there. He was about to be exited out and he went MIA. Revoked ROI, relapsed and his parents found him a week later, homeless. We talked to him and after a trip to hospital detox, mental psych ward and a rehab detox, he went to a new program.
this program did not reach out as much as the other and he was in a sober house with the program. Doing great, working program, he seemed different. Healthier and looking like he wanted this. The plan was that he was not going to come straight home and so he had to find a sober living place until he can prove his sobriety over time because of the kids. A month ago, he found a house that people from the rehab were going to rent out. He got a job, I bring the kids to visit, seems like all is good.
This week I received a message from a girl who told me she is my husbands girlfriend and they have been together for almost 3 months. He told her we had an official divorce and I know all about their relationship and am cool with it. She is living with him in the sober house and they met in the program. She told me how he is doing so well in the program, everyone loves him and she can’t believe he lied….
i called him. He didn’t deny it and said we talked about separation before and it didn’t seem like it was going to work out. We talk everyday and he tells me how he can’t wait to come home. I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know….. I’m thinking “he doesn’t know if he wants his wife and kids?!?!”
two days later he wants to talk. Say he wants to be with me but doesn’t know how that’s going to work out with his sobriety. He’s still with the girl because he has no where to go. He then told me he talked to a therapist all day after the exposure and wanted to have a long talk. He told me all the truths of our marriage meaning he fessed up to stealing and lying about his addiction. He also told me he was abused as a child and has never told anyone about it. He wants me to think about everything and we can talk decisions in a day.
so, i come here to ask WTF?!
i know I need to protect myself and kids and am filing for legal separation. I don’t want to file divorce….yet. But is this guy even doing recovery right? He’s with someone from the program. Lied about his wife and kids. Why would he finally confess to all the lies? I care about him and am thinking of him as the father of my kids but the lingering of the cheating, feeling not good enough is eating me alive.
Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,973
It might be easier on your hearts to view yourselves as separated for a while.
Seems it would be trying and painful to rush into a reconciliation. There is a lot of sorting and healing to do. You both need space and time and the ability to come to a place where you can be entirely honest with yourselves and with each other.
A bit of truth: He is doing what he wants to do currently. He may seem obligated to rush to reconcile, but is that what he is feeling: is that the best path?
Best to you both.
Take care. Keep posting.
Seems it would be trying and painful to rush into a reconciliation. There is a lot of sorting and healing to do. You both need space and time and the ability to come to a place where you can be entirely honest with yourselves and with each other.
A bit of truth: He is doing what he wants to do currently. He may seem obligated to rush to reconcile, but is that what he is feeling: is that the best path?
Best to you both.
Take care. Keep posting.
Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,973
You ARE good enough.
He probably misses the support and caring you two once shared in the best of times.
It is probably a certainty that this new relationship of his is WAY thinner and much less fulfilling.
Chasing old feelings is no reason to look past the truth of the current situation.
I hope you’ll find a path that serves you both well: one that respects both of your needs and your wellness.
He probably misses the support and caring you two once shared in the best of times.
It is probably a certainty that this new relationship of his is WAY thinner and much less fulfilling.
Chasing old feelings is no reason to look past the truth of the current situation.
I hope you’ll find a path that serves you both well: one that respects both of your needs and your wellness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi TC. Well, what an awful mess he has created and I'm sorry you got hurt in all of that.
He is obviously, now, not the man you thought him to be. Not only is he lying to you now, he is lying to this other woman so he can have a place to sleep. What kind of man does that?
Recovery is different for everyone, but basically he should be honest, with himself and others and be working on his issues, do you see any sign of that? Otherwise, if he is even sober now, he's just not drinking, recovery isn't entering in to it.
It takes a long time to recover, at least a year of help to get to any kind of sure footing (from all I have heard). Right now, getting any real, straight, answer out of him is probably pretty difficult.
I think you are right to file for separation. As for feeling "not good enough" please remember this has very little to do with you, if anything. This is his problem and his issue to fix, that doesn't reflect back on you.
I would recommend that you might want to read Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, the most often recommended book here and really start to set some strong boundaries.
You may also want to visit our Friends and Family of alcoholics forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
He is obviously, now, not the man you thought him to be. Not only is he lying to you now, he is lying to this other woman so he can have a place to sleep. What kind of man does that?
Recovery is different for everyone, but basically he should be honest, with himself and others and be working on his issues, do you see any sign of that? Otherwise, if he is even sober now, he's just not drinking, recovery isn't entering in to it.
It takes a long time to recover, at least a year of help to get to any kind of sure footing (from all I have heard). Right now, getting any real, straight, answer out of him is probably pretty difficult.
I think you are right to file for separation. As for feeling "not good enough" please remember this has very little to do with you, if anything. This is his problem and his issue to fix, that doesn't reflect back on you.
I would recommend that you might want to read Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, the most often recommended book here and really start to set some strong boundaries.
You may also want to visit our Friends and Family of alcoholics forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
How cruel amd awful. Its honestly no surprise to read. My now ex of 8 months was talking to his ex and other women our whole relationship. He's always wanting more than he can have.
Getting out of his world was hard and I was broken hearted and trauma bonded but it's the best thing I ever did.
He lied about money. His tele was stolen whilst walking his dog. Spoons were missing and his place had the bate minimum..you couldnt loose a spoon in such a tidy home.
I was basically a dumb ass. I had no clue what he was and after we broke up his neighbour said dealers were always around and a heroin addict went round for hours. Sounds like when I wasn't there he was up to allsorts. I remember blsck marks on his table that looked like coal.
Made absolute sense he was forever after my money and never paid me back. I presumed it was for weed, milk and cigarettes.
I wish I could make women like you feel how much better I feel now vs then. The peace I have now he's gone.
He is trying to sleep with a friend I cut off now and the pair of them are loving their sweet revenge on me.
But there only one looser in this and thats them!
It's sad your guy was abused. Its OK he's owned up and all that but you already knew he was stealing. Or selling things. But none of that justifies this new relationship and triangulating you both!!! It'd disgusting.
I would honestly call time on this relationship and youtube videos got me through along with 8 therapy sessions and my friends.
You have spent enough time in an addicts world. add more peace into your own life and nove things for you and the kids. I began walking in forests and other nice scenic places. I just needed my peace and I know I'm still on my journey to getting fully better but I'm 90% there. I even laugh at him sometimes now.
You are worthy of so much more. My exes ex is still his friend!!!!! She cares for him still despite him cheating on her apot emotionally and physically and not paying her back and depressing her with his problem's. 4 years on she's a ghost behind him wherever he goes. I feel for Any woman unlucky enough to be in her shadow like I was.
These people have nothing but carnage and chaos following them wherever they go. It's got heartbreak written allover it for anyone who gets too close.
You are not alone and you can absolutely hold your head up and walk away even if it hurts..you deserve alot more that what this man is able to offer!
Getting out of his world was hard and I was broken hearted and trauma bonded but it's the best thing I ever did.
He lied about money. His tele was stolen whilst walking his dog. Spoons were missing and his place had the bate minimum..you couldnt loose a spoon in such a tidy home.
I was basically a dumb ass. I had no clue what he was and after we broke up his neighbour said dealers were always around and a heroin addict went round for hours. Sounds like when I wasn't there he was up to allsorts. I remember blsck marks on his table that looked like coal.
Made absolute sense he was forever after my money and never paid me back. I presumed it was for weed, milk and cigarettes.
I wish I could make women like you feel how much better I feel now vs then. The peace I have now he's gone.
He is trying to sleep with a friend I cut off now and the pair of them are loving their sweet revenge on me.
But there only one looser in this and thats them!
It's sad your guy was abused. Its OK he's owned up and all that but you already knew he was stealing. Or selling things. But none of that justifies this new relationship and triangulating you both!!! It'd disgusting.
I would honestly call time on this relationship and youtube videos got me through along with 8 therapy sessions and my friends.
You have spent enough time in an addicts world. add more peace into your own life and nove things for you and the kids. I began walking in forests and other nice scenic places. I just needed my peace and I know I'm still on my journey to getting fully better but I'm 90% there. I even laugh at him sometimes now.
You are worthy of so much more. My exes ex is still his friend!!!!! She cares for him still despite him cheating on her apot emotionally and physically and not paying her back and depressing her with his problem's. 4 years on she's a ghost behind him wherever he goes. I feel for Any woman unlucky enough to be in her shadow like I was.
These people have nothing but carnage and chaos following them wherever they go. It's got heartbreak written allover it for anyone who gets too close.
You are not alone and you can absolutely hold your head up and walk away even if it hurts..you deserve alot more that what this man is able to offer!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Tired,
Just because someone goes to meetings, doesn't mean they actually have, much less work, a program of recovery. And though he may have managed to abstain from his drug of choice, he's living and making choices like someone who is actively using. You are wise to pursue legal separation, you need to take care of yourself and your children because it would appear that your husband's spiral has a ways to go yet.
Just because someone goes to meetings, doesn't mean they actually have, much less work, a program of recovery. And though he may have managed to abstain from his drug of choice, he's living and making choices like someone who is actively using. You are wise to pursue legal separation, you need to take care of yourself and your children because it would appear that your husband's spiral has a ways to go yet.
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