I'm new but sure what I'll have to say isn't.
Kitty
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 1
I'm new but sure what I'll have to say isn't.
Hello,
glad to have found this forum.
I'm embarrassed, hurt, humiliated to say the least.
Sorry if this is long but i want people to understand.
Been together nearly 4 years, he messaged me 1st (we are currently 30 years old) always had him on social media as he was my 1st crush at the age of 13/14!
was shocked when I saw he'd messaged but obviously replied!
Got on so well I was honestly shocked!
I was always a background kind of person who no one noticed but he was like everyone's crush and everyone knew who he was.
So after a few weeks of chatting, we finally met.
Honestly I thought he'd be dumb and it would go no where but actually he is super smart and just clicked.
no awkwardness, it was mad and unexpected!
His family etc warned me off from the day I met them.
but after year he proposed and even they said they'd never seen him like it or happier!
(Baring in mind he'd been In 2 long long relationships before me, with kids and marriage was never on the cards).
Lock down hit.
But we loved it, started growing veg and just all that crap people did!
but he started to talk to "past friends" (way before i was around) and unfortunately those friendships went on out of lock down.
He's always liked alcohol and drugs but the 1st 2 years Honestly if he did it, it wasn't often and went to bed that night.
After lock down he'd suddenly stop coming home, gone for days with no contact.
it scared me as I'd never witnessed it.
His family said unfortunately this what that originally meant by stearing clear of him.
Well it's just got worse and worse.
He's so nasty, manipulative.
disappears the moment he has money.
But its all my fault, there is no problem his end, im pushing him away and trying to change him and I shouldn't because I was warned.
its all gone from like a bloody fairytale to horrific.
Its turning me into a nasty person.
I know I'm being so stupid for remaining and believing the crap but stupidly cling on to what it was and hope can be again.
he's started to rob people etc in desperation for money and thinking i won't find out.
all with this 1 bloody friend drom lockdown🤬🤬
It's affecting every meaningful thing in his life but he refuses to believe that any of it is him/the habbit and HAS to be everyone else against him.
I realise this is a rant more than a question but im destroying myself because I can't understand why everything we have/had isn't good enough over the things he's doing.
glad to have found this forum.
I'm embarrassed, hurt, humiliated to say the least.
Sorry if this is long but i want people to understand.
Been together nearly 4 years, he messaged me 1st (we are currently 30 years old) always had him on social media as he was my 1st crush at the age of 13/14!
was shocked when I saw he'd messaged but obviously replied!
Got on so well I was honestly shocked!
I was always a background kind of person who no one noticed but he was like everyone's crush and everyone knew who he was.
So after a few weeks of chatting, we finally met.
Honestly I thought he'd be dumb and it would go no where but actually he is super smart and just clicked.
no awkwardness, it was mad and unexpected!
His family etc warned me off from the day I met them.
but after year he proposed and even they said they'd never seen him like it or happier!
(Baring in mind he'd been In 2 long long relationships before me, with kids and marriage was never on the cards).
Lock down hit.
But we loved it, started growing veg and just all that crap people did!
but he started to talk to "past friends" (way before i was around) and unfortunately those friendships went on out of lock down.
He's always liked alcohol and drugs but the 1st 2 years Honestly if he did it, it wasn't often and went to bed that night.
After lock down he'd suddenly stop coming home, gone for days with no contact.
it scared me as I'd never witnessed it.
His family said unfortunately this what that originally meant by stearing clear of him.
Well it's just got worse and worse.
He's so nasty, manipulative.
disappears the moment he has money.
But its all my fault, there is no problem his end, im pushing him away and trying to change him and I shouldn't because I was warned.
its all gone from like a bloody fairytale to horrific.
Its turning me into a nasty person.
I know I'm being so stupid for remaining and believing the crap but stupidly cling on to what it was and hope can be again.
he's started to rob people etc in desperation for money and thinking i won't find out.
all with this 1 bloody friend drom lockdown🤬🤬
It's affecting every meaningful thing in his life but he refuses to believe that any of it is him/the habbit and HAS to be everyone else against him.
I realise this is a rant more than a question but im destroying myself because I can't understand why everything we have/had isn't good enough over the things he's doing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi Kitty, glad you found the forum, sorry for what brings you here of course.
First things first! You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). To an active addict (especially one who is so deep and far along in to their addiction) their drug of choice is paramount, above everyone and everything else)
I would also recommend you check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum - you might find many of the threads there resonate with you, you can also post there too of course if you like:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
It's not unusual for someone to cling to the person "he used to be" - that's kind of natural. It's not really normal for a person to make a 180 degree turn and become someone you don't even know. But trust your gut on this one, that is exactly what has happened.
It's very difficult to see it clearly when you are right in the middle of it, but time and distance can give you that clarity. Is there someone you can stay with for even a few weeks while you sort this out? Friends, family? Or ask him to leave (if he will).
He is robbing people, that's horrendous and could become even worse in an instant if he hurts someone. You are not safe with him. He is obviously far out of control and as his addictions become worse (they progress) he will be even more desperate.
I hope for your own well being you can take time away from him. If he does agree to leave (and that is feasible for you) it would be imperative that you change the locks immediately.
There is a lot to know about addiction - but the bottom line is, you can't fix him. Only he can decide to change and get help for himself, but from what you have said there is no indication he is interested in doing that.
I am sorry you are getting so hurt in all this.
First things first! You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). To an active addict (especially one who is so deep and far along in to their addiction) their drug of choice is paramount, above everyone and everything else)
I would also recommend you check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum - you might find many of the threads there resonate with you, you can also post there too of course if you like:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
It's not unusual for someone to cling to the person "he used to be" - that's kind of natural. It's not really normal for a person to make a 180 degree turn and become someone you don't even know. But trust your gut on this one, that is exactly what has happened.
It's very difficult to see it clearly when you are right in the middle of it, but time and distance can give you that clarity. Is there someone you can stay with for even a few weeks while you sort this out? Friends, family? Or ask him to leave (if he will).
He is robbing people, that's horrendous and could become even worse in an instant if he hurts someone. You are not safe with him. He is obviously far out of control and as his addictions become worse (they progress) he will be even more desperate.
I hope for your own well being you can take time away from him. If he does agree to leave (and that is feasible for you) it would be imperative that you change the locks immediately.
There is a lot to know about addiction - but the bottom line is, you can't fix him. Only he can decide to change and get help for himself, but from what you have said there is no indication he is interested in doing that.
I am sorry you are getting so hurt in all this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Kitty, implied in your post is that this guy is choosing to drink/drug/steal and god knows what else rather than save your relationship. He is addicted to his drugs of choice and cannot see or admit that is the case - this is what it means to be an alcoholic or addict. He may eventually sober up, but the odds are that won't be how this turns out. The sad truth about active addiction is that the vast majority don't get and stay sober.
So rather than focus on what he can do to make things better, perhaps you could focus on what choices you can make for your own sanity and happiness?
So rather than focus on what he can do to make things better, perhaps you could focus on what choices you can make for your own sanity and happiness?
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