Hatguysgirl

Well, I'm the last person to post. And here I go again. When I found out about my husband's emotional affair I knew I had to create some accountability for myself so that I would follow through with filing for divorce, and I posted it on Facebook. I know, airing your dirty laundry in public is icky. But I felt that I would just talk myself into forgiving him if I didn't publicly say hey, I'm getting a divorce and this is why. My husband is also as most addicts, incredibly manipulative and tried to tell me that I was cheating, and that was why he cheated. So I also a few days later after having had enough of listening to him tell me I was a cheater, posted for the public record that I had not cheated, and posted the story, largely so that future girlfriends would be able to find out that he was lying about me. It's a stupid story, a coworker told me I looked nice at a work function, and I said thank you. My husband claimed we had made googly eyes at each other. The whole thing is ridiculous, and is clearly him trying to excuse himself. It's been 3 weeks since then, and we had come to an agreement that we would try to be friends, went to a pumpkin patch yesterday, had a nice time, had a nice interaction this morning where he promised to come paint my house tomorrow since winter is coming and before I kicked him out we had scraped and sanded to prep for painting, and as I'm pregnant it's not really something I should do myself. Someone at some point today told him that I had posted those things to Facebook and he lost his mind. Tells me he won't be friends with me now, and I shouldn't have said anything. Ok, yeah maybe I shouldn't have, but I can't take it back, and I didn't say anything too harsh. Tried to tell me I was a bad wife and that was why he drank. I stayed calm, and basically told him that if he doesn't like the consequences (being publicly outed as a cheater and an alcoholic) then he shouldn't have done what he did. The only thing I've done wrong was not realize sooner how bad his drinking has become, and being his enabler. I told him I would leave him alone if he wants me to but that I hope he changes his mind as he promised our 3 year old to come trick or treating, and that I would still be sending him pictures of his kids. I can't seem to stop pointing out that his drinking is the problem and that he needs to get help. I don't think pointing it out is helping him, but I'm not really sure what to say when he freaks out about things that I can't change like that. Especially when while I may have been somewhat wrong, but ultimately it's all a consequence of his drinking. I got some really good advice from you all about accepting his alcoholism as it is, and it only being his problem yesterday. I am totally on board with all that, but how do I quit pointing out that everything is due to his addiction issues?

SparkleKitty

When you really accept the fact that nothing you say or do will affect his behavior or decisions, you will quit telling him things he already know, and you will begin pouring all that energy and time into yourself and your kids, and you will all be okay.

Hatguysgirl

So, just time then. Ok. Turns out he's actually mad that I mentioned that he's an alcoholic on a post. He had told me that before we ever started dating, and as he buys his alcohol at work I assumed he was just as open about it now as he ever was. So that makes me feel a little better about it, since it's so obviously a ploy to make me feel bad for him. It still sucks that he tanked our friendship for the time being, but I guess I have to expect that from time to time.

trailmix

There won't be a need to if you stop discussing his wrongs. Realistically it doesn't do you any good does it? I know you would like him to see the error of his ways, but that's not happening. No matter how many times you tell him, it's not happening.

Right now, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. That fact, still, doesn't change anything.

It's really difficult when you see someone making, what you perceive to be a big mistake, to not jump in with advice. This could all be "fixed" if he would just listen to reason, right?

That's not the case with alcoholism. His "alcoholic voice" - that one in his head. You don't have a snowball's hope in heck of getting through there.

He is who he is right now, maybe a great guy underneath it all, but he is also a person who is deep in to alcoholism, not two people, one, so trying to appeal to his "great guy" side is getting you no where.

Accept him just the way he is (that's not easy but can be worked on). Far better to focus on yourself and your kiddies, you need to heal and they need you.

Eauchiche

^^^^^THIS
I see in your posts a recurring theme that you are focused on him.
It is hard to transition to focusing on YOU, but that is what needs to happen

SparkleKitty

It's not just time, no. It's the conscious redirect of your own thoughts and energy away from that which you cannot control (him or anything about him) to that which you can (you).