Ten Years Sober
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Ten Years Sober
Hello, SR friends!
Every year on October 14 - my sobriety anniversary - I write a post as a tribute to my sobriety journey and the support that place provided.
This year it is challenging to write a post, and I haven’t been here for a while. Those who know me well enough, will probably understand why, those who don’t - let’s say that life got in the way. It surely did.
Anyway.
Today I am Ten Years Sober.
My, oh, my. It feel like it’s been a century ago, it feels like it’s been yesterday.
Ten years ago I was in a dark place. Hopeless. Miserable.
Now I never remember my “low moments” - maybe once a year, when I start reflecting on my sobriety journey.
One of those moments was choosing dark stairs over an elevator. After I finished my first bottle of wine, and ventured out to get more, I was ashamed to get in the elevator. What if I meet some neighbors, reeking wine and looking…not quite top notch. My apartment was on the 7th floor back then. I don’t know why the lights were often out on the stairs, but I remember walking there, in the dark. Using my phone flashlight to avoid breaking my neck, and thinking “How in the world did I get here”?
Addiction is a powerful freaking bit*h.
Something happened on that night on October 13, 2012, when I made my yet another late night trip to a store, had my last drink, found SR, logged in, and never looked back.
I was scared to leave alcohol out of my life .
Emotional pain - aftermath of snowball of traumatic events at different stages of my life - was just too much.
As destructive as wine was, at that time it felt like it was the only tool available to keep the ruthless emotional torture away, to put some protective layer between me and burning pain.
And back then I saw anesthesia, delivered by wine, as the only solution. It made me numb, and, being numb, I couldn’t respond to and engage into memory attacks which could burn me down. I hoped that without my response it will just flash hot fire at me and leave alone.
Somehow I felt that I had to choose: whether to be torn apart right now or put myself into temporary coma which would come with severe consequences, but would give me hope that I will survive and gather some strength later and find a solution to defend myself against haunting elements of the past, which held total control over me.
That was ultimate fear which dominated my early sobriety (by early, I mean up to 90 days with the first month being the hardest). I felt like I was left without armour, alone, in the middle of the fight with invisible enemy.
The journey of dealing with emotional traumas was tough. Sometimes unbearable.
But when alcohol as a solution wasn’t an option any more, I had no other choice but to find and develop other tools.
Spoiler alert: I did. Using the well known formula: one day at a time, baby steps. And good therapist and constant self-education in this area.
It feels I lived many different lives at this site. Every time I faced “I can’t get over this. I won’t survive” situation, I posted here, looking for support.
Dealing with my birth family. Buying an apartment. Looking for a job. Sorting out debt issues and being hell scared of bank and collector calls. Having no money to buy lunch and many more - all is here, in my posting history.
When I started ten years ago I had no job, almost no money, had debts, and was in constant fear of losing the roof over my head.
And my self-esteem was deep in the dirt.
Now I have a place to live in which I own, good job. I closed almost all the debts, and finally I am in a position to allocate money to help others.
Life is unpredictable. Unpredictability is much better handled when sober.
If I may, I would share what helped me most on my sobriety journey, especially its early stages:
1. Everyone’s sobriety journey is unique. There are common aspects, but there is quite a limited array of set-in-stone rules and there are no dogmas. No monopoly of one method over the other. If some tool doesn’t work, it proves useful to explore other options. For me it was more important to keep open mind and keep what works for me, constantly developing my box of sobriety tools.
For one, I am an atheist, never been to AA, never appealed to higher power. It just didn’t work for me, didn’t make sense.
2. Support of others who understand what I am dealing with was crucial. Talking to other members here helped me to dispel crippling inadequacy of believing that I was the only one who was going through this. It provided emotional breathing space when I feel like I was suffocating. I am forever grateful to this community for supporting me all the way.
3. Planning ahead. If there is no solid plan to counter an addiction attack, the addiction will win. Period. The plan (and better yet, a back-up plan) has to be ready well ahead of the first injection of addiction into the system. It’s spreads like wildfire. In no time it will take over if not countered immediately.
At the early stage I had to treat my sobriety as a bone which is broken all over the place, and if I don’t put cast over it, it will fall apart. Protect your sobriety, and it will protect you.
4. Surely it’s been said many times already, but I’ll repeat it anyway: “just one” doesn’t work. “Moderation” doesn’t work.
Honestly, when I just quit, I harboured a hope that after I “fix” myself, I would be able to drink in moderation, that I will reset the entire system and go back to “normal” (whatever the hell it means).
For myself I compare the addiction with a big reservoir filled with gasoline - no matter how long it’s been intact and left alone, just one match will be enough to set a fire. And the kind of fire which will burn everything down.
5. Another cliche which is called cliche for a reason. One day at a time. As I mentioned above at the start it was impossible for me to imagine the rest of my life without wine. But one day - that I could imagine. As days passed, my ability to process new reality developed strong enough to imagine further and further, until the idea of “never” lost its frightening power.
6. Do not underestimate taking care of your body - adequate nutrition, hydration, physical activity (even if just a walk in the park). Basic and simple things which work wonders and build solid foundation.
7. Boredom is the enemy. To rephrase a saying “Idle mind is addiction’s workshop”. I planned activities to leave as little idle time as possible. I tried to reduce to possible minimum a chance for “why not to have one” thought to pop up.
8. Another enemy - destructive sentimental patterns/behaviours. “Romantic” melancholia of alcohol, old drinking buddies masquerading as friends, misery as virtue, etc. Everything that can function as a trigger of dormant dynamite has to go. It may seem cruel in a way, but it’s necessary.
New elements of reality will come to replace them, more appropriate for new normal.
9. Sobriety will not always feel like a full-time job. At some point it will shift more in a cruise control mode with a driver who never gets too arrogant though and remembers, that a smooth road still requires attention.
10. At the very early stage a sober life may look like a colorless, empty, dull world to exist in. In my experience it proved to be quite the opposite. Nothing can be further from the truth. At some point I heard a colleague saying “lucky you”. Not bad.
Yes. I am lucky. Despite everything.
Even better - I know that luck can be earned and created. And when earned, it attracts more. That ‘s how I see it now.
I wish you luck in your sobriety journey and every life endeavor, SR friends.
Thank you for your support!
That you for being here!
Sincerely Yours,
MB.
Every year on October 14 - my sobriety anniversary - I write a post as a tribute to my sobriety journey and the support that place provided.
This year it is challenging to write a post, and I haven’t been here for a while. Those who know me well enough, will probably understand why, those who don’t - let’s say that life got in the way. It surely did.
Anyway.
Today I am Ten Years Sober.
My, oh, my. It feel like it’s been a century ago, it feels like it’s been yesterday.
Ten years ago I was in a dark place. Hopeless. Miserable.
Now I never remember my “low moments” - maybe once a year, when I start reflecting on my sobriety journey.
One of those moments was choosing dark stairs over an elevator. After I finished my first bottle of wine, and ventured out to get more, I was ashamed to get in the elevator. What if I meet some neighbors, reeking wine and looking…not quite top notch. My apartment was on the 7th floor back then. I don’t know why the lights were often out on the stairs, but I remember walking there, in the dark. Using my phone flashlight to avoid breaking my neck, and thinking “How in the world did I get here”?
Addiction is a powerful freaking bit*h.
Something happened on that night on October 13, 2012, when I made my yet another late night trip to a store, had my last drink, found SR, logged in, and never looked back.
I was scared to leave alcohol out of my life .
Emotional pain - aftermath of snowball of traumatic events at different stages of my life - was just too much.
As destructive as wine was, at that time it felt like it was the only tool available to keep the ruthless emotional torture away, to put some protective layer between me and burning pain.
And back then I saw anesthesia, delivered by wine, as the only solution. It made me numb, and, being numb, I couldn’t respond to and engage into memory attacks which could burn me down. I hoped that without my response it will just flash hot fire at me and leave alone.
Somehow I felt that I had to choose: whether to be torn apart right now or put myself into temporary coma which would come with severe consequences, but would give me hope that I will survive and gather some strength later and find a solution to defend myself against haunting elements of the past, which held total control over me.
That was ultimate fear which dominated my early sobriety (by early, I mean up to 90 days with the first month being the hardest). I felt like I was left without armour, alone, in the middle of the fight with invisible enemy.
The journey of dealing with emotional traumas was tough. Sometimes unbearable.
But when alcohol as a solution wasn’t an option any more, I had no other choice but to find and develop other tools.
Spoiler alert: I did. Using the well known formula: one day at a time, baby steps. And good therapist and constant self-education in this area.
It feels I lived many different lives at this site. Every time I faced “I can’t get over this. I won’t survive” situation, I posted here, looking for support.
Dealing with my birth family. Buying an apartment. Looking for a job. Sorting out debt issues and being hell scared of bank and collector calls. Having no money to buy lunch and many more - all is here, in my posting history.
When I started ten years ago I had no job, almost no money, had debts, and was in constant fear of losing the roof over my head.
And my self-esteem was deep in the dirt.
Now I have a place to live in which I own, good job. I closed almost all the debts, and finally I am in a position to allocate money to help others.
Life is unpredictable. Unpredictability is much better handled when sober.
If I may, I would share what helped me most on my sobriety journey, especially its early stages:
1. Everyone’s sobriety journey is unique. There are common aspects, but there is quite a limited array of set-in-stone rules and there are no dogmas. No monopoly of one method over the other. If some tool doesn’t work, it proves useful to explore other options. For me it was more important to keep open mind and keep what works for me, constantly developing my box of sobriety tools.
For one, I am an atheist, never been to AA, never appealed to higher power. It just didn’t work for me, didn’t make sense.
2. Support of others who understand what I am dealing with was crucial. Talking to other members here helped me to dispel crippling inadequacy of believing that I was the only one who was going through this. It provided emotional breathing space when I feel like I was suffocating. I am forever grateful to this community for supporting me all the way.
3. Planning ahead. If there is no solid plan to counter an addiction attack, the addiction will win. Period. The plan (and better yet, a back-up plan) has to be ready well ahead of the first injection of addiction into the system. It’s spreads like wildfire. In no time it will take over if not countered immediately.
At the early stage I had to treat my sobriety as a bone which is broken all over the place, and if I don’t put cast over it, it will fall apart. Protect your sobriety, and it will protect you.
4. Surely it’s been said many times already, but I’ll repeat it anyway: “just one” doesn’t work. “Moderation” doesn’t work.
Honestly, when I just quit, I harboured a hope that after I “fix” myself, I would be able to drink in moderation, that I will reset the entire system and go back to “normal” (whatever the hell it means).
For myself I compare the addiction with a big reservoir filled with gasoline - no matter how long it’s been intact and left alone, just one match will be enough to set a fire. And the kind of fire which will burn everything down.
5. Another cliche which is called cliche for a reason. One day at a time. As I mentioned above at the start it was impossible for me to imagine the rest of my life without wine. But one day - that I could imagine. As days passed, my ability to process new reality developed strong enough to imagine further and further, until the idea of “never” lost its frightening power.
6. Do not underestimate taking care of your body - adequate nutrition, hydration, physical activity (even if just a walk in the park). Basic and simple things which work wonders and build solid foundation.
7. Boredom is the enemy. To rephrase a saying “Idle mind is addiction’s workshop”. I planned activities to leave as little idle time as possible. I tried to reduce to possible minimum a chance for “why not to have one” thought to pop up.
8. Another enemy - destructive sentimental patterns/behaviours. “Romantic” melancholia of alcohol, old drinking buddies masquerading as friends, misery as virtue, etc. Everything that can function as a trigger of dormant dynamite has to go. It may seem cruel in a way, but it’s necessary.
New elements of reality will come to replace them, more appropriate for new normal.
9. Sobriety will not always feel like a full-time job. At some point it will shift more in a cruise control mode with a driver who never gets too arrogant though and remembers, that a smooth road still requires attention.
10. At the very early stage a sober life may look like a colorless, empty, dull world to exist in. In my experience it proved to be quite the opposite. Nothing can be further from the truth. At some point I heard a colleague saying “lucky you”. Not bad.
Yes. I am lucky. Despite everything.
Even better - I know that luck can be earned and created. And when earned, it attracts more. That ‘s how I see it now.
I wish you luck in your sobriety journey and every life endeavor, SR friends.
Thank you for your support!
That you for being here!
Sincerely Yours,
MB.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,345
Thank you, so much MB. I remember you, and your awesome signature line.
HUGE congratulations 🎉🎈🎊 on those 10 years, and for an honest, well written inpiriypost.
HUGE congratulations 🎉🎈🎊 on those 10 years, and for an honest, well written inpiriypost.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Congrats to a fellow Octobersmate, Class of '12! 
It sometimes seems that ten years ago was a lifetime, other times it feels like yesterday. I'm so glad that you're still sober and still here posting. You're an inspiration to me, @MidnightBlue!
It sometimes seems that ten years ago was a lifetime, other times it feels like yesterday. I'm so glad that you're still sober and still here posting. You're an inspiration to me, @MidnightBlue!
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hello, Myth!
So glad to see you too!
I remember that your Soberversary a couple of days earlier than mine.
Congrats to you too!
So glad to see you too!
I remember that your Soberversary a couple of days earlier than mine.
Congrats to you too!
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