GPeach

This is a long story but my husband who I’ve been happily with for 23 years started using alcohol to cope with depression during lockdown. He then had to work away (his choice, not mine) and his drinking obviously escalated due to isolation and missing me and our two daughters. He’s a family man and if he’s not at work he’s with us, we have a happy home life and a committed partnership where I’ve always felt loved.

Over the past two years there have been serious issues with alcohol, finding bottles of vodka, coming home to him drunk, not looking after our children, drink driving (twice that I know of with my children).

I came home last year from work and noticed straightaway he was drunk on vodka and he didn’t know where our youngest teenager was, turns out she’d told him she was going out and he’d forgotten as he was so drunk. I talked to him about it, said I was having a shower and we’d chat later. As I got out of the shower and was getting changed he walked passed tapped me on the bum like he usually would and went downstairs. Next thing I know he’s driving away from the house, phone switched off and tracking off. I later got a text to say he’d gone back to work and he’s leaving me as he doesn’t love me anymore. The week was horrendous, his drinking was off the chart, pretty much a bottle of vodka a day, drinking in work then ended up being arrested behind the wheel of his car. He came home and asked me to forgive him, that he was trying to push me away as he was suicidal and depressed and that he loved me and the girls more than anything.

We worked things out and I supported him in every way, there was still issues with drinking and escalating to hitting the vodka but finally in spring this year he admitted he was an alcoholic and didn’t want alcohol ruling his life and taking us away from him. He went for treatment and did just over 4 months sober until we went on a family holiday with friends abroad in august. Day 2 he relapsed and hit the vodka, I suspected and so did my children but by day 3 I found him and drank his drink and he couldn’t deny it. He spiralled, went crazy and started again with the ‘I’m not feeling the marriage’ he then said he was flying home and leaving me and the kids abroad. I begged him not to go for the sake of the children not me, so did our friend (who were all supporting his sobriety) but he would not listen. He booked a flight and left without saying goodbye to any of us, just ran. He then spent the week at our family home, pretending he was sober and that he left because of me, this was obviously untrue as he later admitted he hit the vodka hard. When we came home he moved into his parents till they found him hiding vodka, then he ran again and has got himself a rental. He’s now saying he’s not at alcoholic anymore and is a social drinker and that leaving us is the solution to all his problems. I know he is lying about how much he is drinking and so do our children. He’s completely delusional, every decision he’s made has been irrational, not thought out and he’s the only one out of all our friends and family that thinks he doesn’t have a problem. He’s acting insanely, completely out of character, the entire opposite of who he usually is but says he needs time to find himself. I have cut contact and so have our children, they have been very clear in their boundaries that they do not want to see or communicate with him in any way unless he engages in treatment again. Unfortunately he hasn’t left them alone, offering lifts, telling them they’re wrong and that he doesn’t have a problem or need help.

His behaviour has led me to question my own sanity and has put me in a very dark place mentally but I’m fighting to stay alive each day for my children as he’s said he doesn’t want any responsibility anymore. I feel like I’m trapped in another life. I know he’s deep in denial and there’s literally nothing I can do. After 2 years of ups and downs of his insane alcoholic behaviour I’m at my wits end and again it’s me picking up the pieces of the carnage he leaves behind and supporting my children for the irreparable damage he’s done to them. It’s every time vodka is involved he sinks into this psychosis where no reasoning or rational thought can be found.

thanks so much for listening, any support or advice would be appreciated ❤️

Bekindalways

Oh wow, you really have been through it. And all of this is indeed crazy-making. Sadly what you are experiencing is very common for all who love an alcoholic.

The book Codependent No-More by Melody Beatty is a good read on codependency. Also many find Alanon a life saver as it can make people feel less alone as they deal with the fall out of loving an alcoholic.

As you know, "you didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.". He may decide to try again to get sober but that is all on him. The best we all can do as we deal with our beloved alcoholics is stick to our side of the street: this means, taking care of the things we can control and are in our path.

May all the angels of the universe dive bomb you and your family at this difficult time.

Heartbroken31

There are so many similarities in your story to mine I can't even begin to tell you. I havent got any great words of wisdom unfortunately as I am grieving for my husband too. I do know the guys on this forum with more knowledge than me will help so please stick around.
i have a post very similar with lots of replies which may be worth a read and it may help if only a little.
stay strong..

trailmix

Hi peach. Glad you found the forum but sorry for what brings you here, of course.

You seem to have a good grasp of what is and isn't possible right now, so really you are in a good place (although I'm sure it doesn't not seem like it - not one bit).

If you think of it like a fight, in his mind, between you and your family and alcohol and he has to make a choice (because at this point he feels he needs to) well, he chose alcohol.

Is it possible that his alcoholism was perhaps far more advanced before lock down but he was better at hiding it? Alcoholism is progressive and this may simply be the progression. He couldn't hide it anymore while being home so much, so that forced his hand.

Alcohol, for alcoholics, is their one true love, if you want to think of it that way. It is more important than you or the children or work and probably more important to him than himself. It is the nature of addiction.

I would suggest speaking to a lawyer, just for a consultation, to see where you stand financially. I know it seems drastic but the more information you have, the stronger you will feel. Your children are older, so custody shouldn't be a huge issue, but your house, your finances, support. Also your liability if he should get in to a drunken accident on the road.

I know this sounds negative and I'm sorry for that, but I don't want to sugar coat it either. Your Husband is well in to alcoholism. The behaviour he is displaying is not all that unusual for an alcoholic, as you will see if you read around the threads on the forum.

The most important thing is to look after yourself. If that means seeking support (therapy or Al Anon), posting here as often as you like! Lots of support for you here. Eat well, get out and walk if you like doing that, focus on yourself and what you want to do, sleep when you can.

Seren

Hello GP, and welcome!

I am so sorry to hear that your husband is spinning out of control. Your story is, sadly, not unique here. Please read as much as you can here about addiction and the stories of others. Ask all the questions you need, or just come here to vent. We get it.

As much as I wish I had some magic words to say or actions you can take to get your husband to stop, there are none. I hope that you will 'circle the wagons', so to speak, to protect your children and yourself. Do you have a checking account in your name only? If you don't, I recommend it. If you each have your own cars, it would be worth it to make sure your name is not on his vehicle title and insurance. Also, next time you know he is drunk and behind the wheel, please, please call the police. No one deserves to be injured or worse because he chose to drink and drive.

Sending prayers for your whole family!

GPeach

Thank you for your replies, I have spoken to lots of different professionals for therapy to try and get myself through this. Also a financial advisor.

I just feel like I’m living someone else’s life right now, 6 weeks ago, everything was fine, he was planning things for us in the future, booked us an anniversary night away, surprise meal, wanting to book next years holiday then gets caught with vodka and suddenly doesn’t love me anymore.

He’s also been trying to get his ‘truth’ of events out to different people. Unfortunately it’s not really washing with anyone this time as he was telling everyone months ago he was an alcoholic.

We live in a small town where everyone knows each other and I’ve been told people who have seen him think he’s acting erratically and out of character.

He’s managing to work (unlike me as I’ve been signed off with stress and depression) which is a worry as he has a safety conscious career.

What breaks my heart the most is he was a great father to our children once and adored them and me and the longer he carries down the road he’s chosen he will lose them for good. In his deluded mind he thinks time is a healer in this situation when it’s entirely the opposite for them. They are old enough to make their own decisions and they’ve been very clear and mature in what they expect of him. I have brought them up to know their self worth and they are very aware that he’s lying, gaslighting them and trying to manipulate around the situation to suit himself

Seren

The lying, gaslighting and attempts at manipulation are common to out of control alcoholics. And I’m sorry you are having to experience that. Take the time to take care of yourself and your children. One breath, one moment at a time.

trailmix

I'm really glad you have reached out to therapists and a financial advisor. I still think you would be wise to speak to a lawyer, no need to file anything, just a conversation.

His life is very much out of control right now, you know he drinks and drives. You could be held liable too (financially) if he hurts someone. There may be a way to "separate" legally and financially without actually filing for divorce.

When you mention about him losing his relationship with his children, it sounds like a clock ticking, I understand and you're not wrong.

The truth is, it's not helpful to you at all to keep watching that clock. He isn't going to get straight until he choses to do so (if ever). Addiction is that powerful. People leave their Husbands, wives, children, babies every single day so they can drink at will.

It truly sounds like he has had a drinking problem for some time. There are several threads in this forum with the same scenario, where the drinking seemed to increase out of nowhere during lockdown.

My suggestion is to perhaps lower your expectations. You will know more as time goes by but as long as you hold out hope that he can turn this all around soon, with the same alcoholic mind that got him here, you will drive yourself crazy. Right now YOUR sanity, your feelings, your wellbeing are the most important thing.

You don't have (and don't want) the option of bowing out of all responsibility for your children, so take that road. Don't wait for him to maybe sort himself out, it could be a long wait.

He probably does and did love to the best of his ability - which might be quite different to yours. As long as the status quo was upheld, he drinks and goes along, he was ok with that. When that was threatened, time to run. His drinking escalated during lockdown and he couldn't control that, alcoholics can't control their drinking for any great amount of time.

If you try to come between an alcoholic, any addict, and their drug of choice, you become the enemy.

Kathiemc

Your story is 90% the exact same as mine and I am about 11 months into the extreme of it, the only difference is my husband chose to have an affair in the middle of this, he is still with her I think. Absolutely hates me and does whatever he can to disrespect me and hurt me and he no longer speaks to our 4 kids. It’s the most painful process in the world and every day I wake up thinking it’s a nightmare and all will be okay…. But it’s not. I’m sure you do the same. My husband was an amazing man and father and we had a wonderful relationship. I still cry, I miss who he was very very much, but you need to see the disease first now… it’s not him anymore. The disease is in control and will be until he decides that the disease is no longer wanted and no one but him can make that decision. Try your best to restrict contact. I don’t know if he will ever be who he once was, I could only wish that for you, but you have to take care of yourself and your kids and try your best to not worry or get too angry about it all. I know it’s not fair… it’s not fair at all. I’m thinking about you… one day at a time.

GPeach

So his dad came round today and basically had a go at me that my husband wasn’t seeing his kids. The fact that the kids don’t want to see him has clearly been lost. I said it was up to him and the ball was in his court that if he desperately wants to see them to engage with his addiction therapist as they have asked. I said if he’s so convinced he’s not an alcoholic they should be able to corroborate that so I don’t know what’s stopping him. His dad says he believes him that he’s no longer an alcoholic and that he can now social drink. I pointed out he was diagnosed as having severe alcohol use disorder by the gp and addiction treatment clinic and his dad replied that they’re not experts!

trailmix

Well he sounds like a great guy to try to discuss things logically with!

Oh dear.

I would personally put him on ignore. I would text him and say, I am not responsible for your Son, who is a grown man. Please do not visit my house or contact me.

And that would be that. He has nothing good to say to you, he doesn't know what he's talking about, so you get to be his whipping post - that's just not right and you don't have to participate.

Seren

Wow, is that a controlling human being! I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

GPeach

I’ve woken up in a complete panic thinking have I got this all wrong! His dad has completely got into my head and made me doubt myself

Hawkeye13

As a family member with an alcoholic mother, spouse, and as a recovering alcoholic myself, I can promise you that you don’t magically revert back to a social drinker when you have abused alcohol like your husband has over the years.

It physically changes the way your body craves and processes alcohol—you can no longer drink normally and safely even if you manage to do so for a few weeks or months: the amount and frequency ALWAYS creeps up and pretty soon you are using as much or even more alcohol then before.

Your husband right now is successfully gaslighting your FIL, and that’s pretty typical of what alcoholics do to keep the alcohol flowing and by making you out to be the “enemy”, he keeps allies and controls the narrative just like he is trying to do with less success in your small town.

I also bet good money he is already drinking and hiding far more than his family knows. I did the same thing and it worked for awhile until the drinking progressed again and I could no longer appear to moderate. This is what my spouse is doing now though I have quit for good.

He drinks away from me, hides the number of beers he is actually consuming, and is careful not to show his impairment by staying in his workshop, watching media, and gets hugely aggressive, upset, and blaming if anyone suggests the drinking is excessive or a problem.

That same “story” can be read thousands of times on this list if you look around. You are not the crazy one here—the alcohol abuse hurts everyone in the family, not just the drinker. Just give it some time and don’t engage—keep the focus and support on yourself and your kids.

The real truth will out in time (faster then you might expect, but it may take longer depending on depth of denial, etc.) as the other members live with and witness firsthand your husbands daily drinking and lies.

I think it is great you have taught your kids it is safe and OK to have a boundary about engaging with their alcoholic father, and that you support them in keeping it strong. I just about ruined my life because I had none for many years. Well done!

GPeach

Thanks so much Hawkeye for your reply it really helps from your prospective as a recovering alcoholic. Well done and lots of love to you on your sobriety, I have so much admiration and respect for those that face their demons whatever they are. I strongly believe we are all works in progress throughout life and I always want to work on and educate myself so my daughters have strength and a strong sense of their identity to make the best decisions for themselves ❤️

GPeach

Thank you your support really helps keep the doubting out of my head

GPeach

thanks Seren, it wasn’t pleasant but I think I handled it, kept to facts and evidence and reiterated what my daughters have said

Seren

TBH, it sounds as though Dad wants to pawn his 'problem son' off on someone else, so his 'friendly' little visit was meant to pressure you into 'dealing with the problem'. I'm happy you handled it calmly. Please know you do not owe any sort of explanation to your FIL, and your children sound as though they have a very sensible, level-headed approach to their father's condition.

GPeach

I completely agree Seren, that’s his parents all over. They just want the problem swept away as quick as possible. Ridiculous thing is that my husband isn’t close to his parents at all, doesn’t really like them or respect them. They believed his lies last year and husband said it’s easy to fool them as they don’t know him. I’ve been in his life longer than they have

GPeach

I’ve been really struggling with suicidal thoughts. I confessed to friends that I had made plans to take my own life. I know this is because of the stress I’ve been dealing with and the fact I’ve been unable to get myself back on my feet. I’ve put myself last for a long time.

The thoughts aren’t going away no matter what support I pull in. It just feels relentless and I’m struggling through each day for my daughters.

I have always been a person that internalises everything and I think that’s what makes it so hard to protect myself from the things my husband says that he was unhappy with me and all the other cruel comments he’s said. I know rationally that this is the addict talking and I should ignore it but it creeps in and feels like I’m losing my mind. It doesn’t help that his dad was reinforcing it either.

I had suicidal thoughts in my late teens, I fell pregnant by an ex boyfriend who manipulated me into having a termination after which I found out he was seeing someone else so had orchestrated everything to get rid of the problem. I struggled for years with guilt and shame wondering whose choice it had truly been to go through with it. When I met my now husband, that was when the suicidal thoughts began to lift. I have history in my family of suicide, my uncle hung himself when I was 16.

it just feels like I have too much weight, hurt and pressure on me, plus watching the pain he’s putting my children through is all too much when I already feel so empty and depleted. I don’t think anyone around me truly understands how desperate I feel and I just want peace and to never let anyone hurt me again.

I am sorry to burden you all with these depressing thoughts from me, I am safe, I have my daughters at home with me (they obviously don’t know that I’m thinking this way, I would never want to burden them with this, they’ve been through too much already)