alcoholic mother help (a bit long)
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Join Date: Sep 2022
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alcoholic mother help (a bit long)
I have been sitting here reflecting on how long my mother has been an alcoholic. I looked back at growing up and I suppose she could have been an alcoholic for as long as I have been alive? 34 almost 35 years... but I guess its never really been an 'issue' exactly. She was a stay at home mom but was very active in our lives on pto and field trips and classroom mom and clubs and eventually got a job when we were older. She'd drink a bit heavy in the evenings but it wasn't anything we thought too much about I guess us being kids. The problem now is that she no longer works and from what I've been told is she drinks all the time. She'll drink so much she passes out and wakes up and drinks its a cycle. I live hundreds of miles away so I am not there to see it. Recently my brother told me that she was missing I don't know where and she was sent to the hospital cuz someone saw her puking. I don't know all the details to that. I know its harming her body at this point. Shes got tremors and has to walk with a cane and can't remember anything. But its always an excuse the tremors she told me was from getting older and the cane she says her balance is terrible but wont ever admit to anything. She wont get help, refuses help, says she doesnt have a problem. She claimed at one point that she was going to try AA meetings but that really hasnt helped. My dad isnt any help he gets angry and holds his money over her head and yells and just lets her buy more. I have extreme anxiety now not even wanting to go be around it all. She wont answer her phone or house phone ever. I feel caught in the middle of a lot of things. I was planning a vacation this coming up weekend but I dont want to go up there any more and I dont know what to do. I am sad hurt angry their house is borderline almost heading in the house of a hoarders home and it never was like that
I guess pointers of something idk help? am I wrong for not wanting to associate with that toxic stuff? what do I do.
I guess pointers of something idk help? am I wrong for not wanting to associate with that toxic stuff? what do I do.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello mav, and Welcome! I'm sorry that you had to search for a place like SR, but glad you found us.
Don't feel bad that you don't want a front row seat to your mother's self-destructive behavior or your father's anger and controlling behavior. I imagine by now it is quite a toxic stew. When I was growing up, it was quite an unhealthy environment. Only I didn't know it at the time. There was no active alcoholism in the home, but my mother was the adult child of alcoholics, and her behavior was toxic. My father never did anything to protect us from that.
Some say that an intervention is helpful. In my experience with my stepson, an intervention was helpful to get the rest of the family 'on the same page', so to speak. It did manage to get my stepson admitted to a hospital for alcohol detox, but he refused treatment after that and continued drinking. He ended up with brain damage and lives in a nursing care group home now.
One of our sub-forums is for adult children of alcoholics. I hope you will read through those threads as well. I think you will find stories very similar to your own.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
It is the weekend, so it's a little quieter on the boards, but others will be along soon to share their experiences!
Don't feel bad that you don't want a front row seat to your mother's self-destructive behavior or your father's anger and controlling behavior. I imagine by now it is quite a toxic stew. When I was growing up, it was quite an unhealthy environment. Only I didn't know it at the time. There was no active alcoholism in the home, but my mother was the adult child of alcoholics, and her behavior was toxic. My father never did anything to protect us from that.
Some say that an intervention is helpful. In my experience with my stepson, an intervention was helpful to get the rest of the family 'on the same page', so to speak. It did manage to get my stepson admitted to a hospital for alcohol detox, but he refused treatment after that and continued drinking. He ended up with brain damage and lives in a nursing care group home now.
One of our sub-forums is for adult children of alcoholics. I hope you will read through those threads as well. I think you will find stories very similar to your own.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
It is the weekend, so it's a little quieter on the boards, but others will be along soon to share their experiences!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Mav
I never saw my father drunk my entire life, but he exhibited all the traits of alcoholism, including cirrhosis and esophageal varices at the end. They can be very good at hiding their drinking, if that is their drug of choice.
One thing is for certain. Alcoholism is progressive. That's 100% of the time.
In this day and age, there are all kinds of addictions people can fall prey to, including becoming obsessed with addicts. That is why I am an AlAnon'er. If I don't work my program, I easily go down a "rabbit hole" trying to rescue somebody who won't help themselves. I highly recommend you try that program.
Lastly, you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it.
I never saw my father drunk my entire life, but he exhibited all the traits of alcoholism, including cirrhosis and esophageal varices at the end. They can be very good at hiding their drinking, if that is their drug of choice.
One thing is for certain. Alcoholism is progressive. That's 100% of the time.
In this day and age, there are all kinds of addictions people can fall prey to, including becoming obsessed with addicts. That is why I am an AlAnon'er. If I don't work my program, I easily go down a "rabbit hole" trying to rescue somebody who won't help themselves. I highly recommend you try that program.
Lastly, you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Hi mav. Have you considered going anyway? I completely understand not wanting to be around your Mom as she is deep in her addiction, but all you are hearing are half stories, you can't even get in touch with her.
To actually go there and see her, that actually might make you feel somewhat better. It's not what if's and is that right and did she do that and how is that, it's you, first hand.
You can't really help her, as you probably already know, but based on what you personally find out, you can make decisions. Do you want to just not communicate? Do you only want to see her if she is sober? Things like that. Getting stories second hand probably just makes you anxious.
If you find it is a disaster visit, nothing to stop you from grabbing your bag and heading for a hotel for the night before heading home.
To actually go there and see her, that actually might make you feel somewhat better. It's not what if's and is that right and did she do that and how is that, it's you, first hand.
You can't really help her, as you probably already know, but based on what you personally find out, you can make decisions. Do you want to just not communicate? Do you only want to see her if she is sober? Things like that. Getting stories second hand probably just makes you anxious.
If you find it is a disaster visit, nothing to stop you from grabbing your bag and heading for a hotel for the night before heading home.
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Join Date: Sep 2022
Posts: 3
we have tried interventions, my mom was sitting in the er lobby last year and she was for sure she didnt need help, she knew she was sick but not sick with addiction. I talked to her voiced that i love her and she hurts me too and i want her to be healthy again to be active in her future grandchildrens lives
I said it a lot better then that but thats basically what I said. She just really blew it off, blew every one and she's just getting worse
I said it a lot better then that but thats basically what I said. She just really blew it off, blew every one and she's just getting worse
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Originally Posted by mav8 
we have tried interventions, my mom was sitting in the er lobby last year and she was for sure she didnt need help, she knew she was sick but not sick with addiction. I talked to her voiced that i love her and she hurts me too and i want her to be healthy again to be active in her future grandchildrens lives
I said it a lot better then that but thats basically what I said. She just really blew it off, blew every one and she's just getting worse
I said it a lot better then that but thats basically what I said. She just really blew it off, blew every one and she's just getting worse
I'll tell you what I did (this became especially important when children entered the picture). If he was drunk, we didn't visit, sober, or not at all, no exception. Now, I don't remember exactly how I told him that, but he actually was good about it. He might have had a beer or two, but he wasn't drunk.
As I got older, I got very tired of the drunken phone calls, so I said, don't call me unless you are sober. If he wasn't, I would just say, call me when you're not drinking and hang up.
It seems really "mean" - but if you don't want to talk to someone who is drunk and don't want to be around someone who is drunk (relative or not), that is your call. That's a boundary. So if you don't want to be around them, if it just makes you miserable, that is perfectly ok.
If you don't want to go near the near hoarding house at all, sober or drunk - that's ok too. No need to feel guilty. You told her how you feel, she has chosen not to do anything about that.
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