MissT33

I have a 2-1/2 year old son by my ex bf. We dated on and off for 2 years. He was a major alcoholic, I didn’t know the extent of his issues when we first started dating but by the time I realized I was in too deep and wanted to “fix” or help him. Codependency stuff. Anyway it was a very toxic relationship. After I finally broke it off I discovered I was pregnant a couple of weeks later. He wanted nothing to do w it at first, and then we briefly reconciled during my pregnancy but we ended it finally when i was six months pregnant. Fast forward to now. Haven’t heard from him in 2 whole years. he called me repeatedly saying we needed to talk. I assumed about Our son but wasn't sure. He wasn't making sense. Assumed he was drunk. Told him that we could meet up and talk, he said his license was revoked and didn't have money for gas anyway. So I went to his house and picked him up and we went to a park nearby and talked. He wanted to talk about what's been going on with him as in he has been hearing things and seeing things and wanted to know if I knew anything about it. He's living in his car parked at his moms house. He's not allowed in her house anymore…Told me someone implanted something in his brain and was constantly watching him. Was asking me if I could hear or see what he was experiencing. He’s clearly schizophrenic or doing meth, or something. He claims he’s no longer drinking or using drugs due to not having the funds to do so. Question is, where do I go from here? He’s clearly not well and can’t be reasoned with, but at the same time he’s my sons father and he tugs at my heart strings. Am I crazy to even speak to this man? What would you mamas do?

meldavis99

You have a son that has no real concept of his father and it seems like this is likely for the best. Your only tie to that man is this child. And this man did not contact you due to your child. It seems probable that he contacted you because he's broke and homeless. That's my humble opinion anyway.

I wouldn't entertain any further contact unless he were asking about seeing his child, but I would also get well-versed in my own legal rights here in case he tries to go that route.

trailmix

I think the fact that he is your child's Father is kind of beside the point here. You are not the man's keeper (in any way) and the help he needs is far beyond your capability.

There is something wrong with his story. He is obviously in contact with his Mother, since he sleeps outside her house (so he says). Why would a Mother force their mentally ill child to live in their car? Only two reasons. They refuse treatment and it's an impossible situation or he is using drugs and she won't let him in to her house unless he is clean.

I'm assuming the Mother is a normal, nice person, I don't know. If you think her to be a reasonable sort. Then his story kind of falls apart and you would be doing your Son a favour by staying away from this man.

Seren

I cannot tell you what you should do, but if it were me, I would protect my child from his father's active addiction and possibly dangerous (because untreated) psychological conditions.

I'm sorry you ex has sunken to this point. He, and you and your child, will be in my prayers!

Bernadette

MissT33,
So sorry you're going through all this. It is challenging emotionally for sure.

For my own conscience I would give exBF a list of walk-in mental health crisis centers in his area, and then let him be. His problems and struggles are, as Trailmix said, way, way beyond your scope. Nor is it your responsibility to put your precious energy towards making attempts to "help" him. In case he continued to ask for my time or resources I would start right now practicing saying, "No, I can't do that."

Let go or be dragged.

What do you "owe" him? Impregnating a woman does not make a person a "father." I might have an idealized vision of what a father is and of course I wish that idealized person was in my child's life. But accepting the reality of how this man is living would lead me to fiercely Mama-Bear protect my son from the insanity that a quick read around on this site will show you is part of the deal with an alcoholic or unstable father. Especially when son is young. For me, that would mean no contact, and putting my energy & focus into my son's life and my own and my son's mental health.

This doesn't make it a perfect or easy situation, and I would want to talk to a counselor about how to speak about the whereabouts of son's father as son grows up and becomes more aware and questioning. Getting actual sentences and language, age appropriate books and resources (which will change as son grows) etc, getting all of that in place and ready for the time when I would need it, soon enough, would help ease my mind. A counselor would also help me process the sadness and guilt and any other emotions that I'm experiencing.

The return on that investment of time, investment in your own mental health and growth, investment in the things you CAN control, will bring you greater peace of mind and a healthier growth environment for your son.
Peace,
B.