My tumultuous story - long one, sorry
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 13
My tumultuous story - long one, sorry
Hi, my name is Victoria, this is my first post. I've just broken up from my alcoholic boyfriend of a year and moved back home to recover. I was 32 when I met him, he was 29, its actually his birthday in 3 days... I'd never dated a younger man before, I have a trauma history. Men have always made me nervous, anxious. Keynan was different, I was drawn to him, felt automatically safe. We spent time about 2 months together where we worked at a remote camp. Then he changed jobs but we remained long distance. We talked of plans to move in together, build a life together. This March, I did it, I moved to Vancouver and we started our tumultuous cohabitation.
We had planned to both save up for this big life change move. I had brought in just over $4,000 to the table, he hadn't saved up much, maybe a couple hundred... I was surprised and disappointed but being in a new city, a new beginning... To secure us both in the city, I had paid for an Airbnb. To get me from Vancouver Island and to get him out of the place he had lived at. It was a ground floor apartment of squallor, I'd found out later. That should've been a good indicator of what lifestyle he had, but I hadn't seen the actual previous apartment until June.
So the first two months we were staying in Airbnbs while we looked for a place on Craigslist and Vancouver Marketplace. On my dime. I picked up some temp work, where he'd go get work day by day. I learned quick he didn't like working, he'd rather stay at home and watch Netflix and drink in the evenings. He'd work two days, and drink for a couple days. I was surprised, but he'd told me he was stressed, it'd been the end of last year he'd lost his one remaining parental figure, his Grandmother. He was still dealing with the loss, and this was the first time he'd had stability in a few years. (Also a red flag)
So I shrugged, had a few drinks with him and I kept working temp work. Our plan was always for one of us to get a full-time job and in the two weeks of waiting for payroll to kick in, the other would bring in money day by day to see us through for groceries, transit fare, cigarettes we got for $50 a carton. I wanted to get signed on but Keynan couldn't work more than 2-3 days in a row. The only time he'd really button down was the end of the month and my hard work wasn't going to see us through. I'd make money but lost $20-30 per day to keep us afloat.
Our intimacy went out the window middle of April. I was pretty upset, we'd discussed in our courting days and proved we both had high sex drives, our average was 2-3 times a week. When it disappeared, I'd make a few passes and all of them turned down. I was getting stressed from keeping up with the bills, the lack of contribution. I enjoy sex, especially as a de-stressor. Keynan, when he's stressed, he'd be the opposite, he'd not want to have sex. I was understanding, nodded and waited as 2 weeks went by, 3 weeks. I offered grinding, hand play, anything for closeness. I got pretty hurt and angry when I realized he was masterbating frequently. So he had a sex drive, just couldn't include me because doing it solo was 'easier and more fulfilling." So from May to July, we'd been probably only intimate twice a month. I got upset frequently at this, it was a cause for a few fights.
A big blow to me and my self confidence, is when we were celebrating one of Keynan's friends who had a guest over. We hit the town, had a lovely dinner. Keynan got very drunk, had a mickey on him. As we were walking down the street, he was complimenting people, in high spirits. This one woman of a group, he stopped her as she walked by and asked if she wanted to ****. With me right there. I was furious and immediately left for home. This started a huge fight where I didn't go home and went to his cousins' place.
He called me, texted me, called me all sorts of things. He broke up with me, this was the second time during a drunken fight. I slept over on the couch, and then went to the movie theatre to eat up time so he'd calm down. He was stonewalling me when I got home, did this for two days. I finally got a load of alcohol to console myself and he joined me. He saw I was serious about my boundaries and finally started to apologize. I got more drunk, forgave him and we were together again.
May 1, we secured an amazing place by Metrotown, central to the greater Vancouver area. There was transit nearby, grcoeries, everything we needed. It was only $1,000 a month with $28 per month with internet, all else included. It was a basement suite, the master bedroom with ensuite private bathroom with bathtub. And for a year long lease. Such a brilliant starter place. But it was always me just working, shopping, doing anything. He didn't have a bank account, had no ID for a few years. He did have the forms to get his birth certificate but never bothered to send them in. I finally blew up at him, asked him to mail the goddam paperwork, make steps to better himself and our situation. I was tired of being gopher, the only one with access to debit, transactions. Whatever money he made, he transferred to me and I'd count it as our combined money pot, since he was always coming up short.
I'd be getting more and more stressed as time went on. Working day after day, coming home, seeing him comfortable and relaxing and watching Netflix. He'd do the dishes, make dinner. He'd sorta clean up when I asked him to. We'd drink on weekends, and we'd get into fights most weekends. He'd say I was a mean drunk, bad person to drink with. I would communicate I was unhappy with our relationship dynamic and he'd say all the right words to calm me down. But never do what he'd promised. So when I would drink, all this building resentment and frustration would come out.
If I get really upset, I want to leave, excuse myself from the conversation. I'd try to a few times and he'd follow after me, screaming, yelling, telling him I was abandoning him. I'd just want a walk around the block, to cool down, to gather my thoughts. Its hard to think when you're in the heat of things. Sometimes I'd just take off and ride the skytrain, or see his cousins' for a while. They knew Keynan's behaviour and habits and were sympathetic to me.
This was very hard for me. I love this man, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did, if I hadn't loved him. He'd told me he'd lived through a few traumatic events, he was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil. He had depression and often said he had no energy to work or do anything. I'd asked him to go seek help, but he'd refused, thinking that meant medication and he was adamant about starting that. I told me just talking would be enough. I know when a person feels safe and secure, sometimes trauma starts to rise to the surface, ready to be faced and dealt with. But he'd drink to cope. He'd let me do all the work and use me to continue to float through life.
This past weekend I had enough. We had another big fight this past Friday and I left for his cousins' again. There was one cousin and one guy who wanted to move in first week of August. They did the usual, listen to me vent. They gave me some more beer. I got more and more drunk, and eventually I wanted to pass out. The one cousin guided me to a bed, it turns out it was his bed. He cuddled up to me, said that was all he was going to do. I remember falling fully asleep. At some point, I was being shaken and being asked something. I couldn't talk, couldn't open my eyes. I was spooned up against someone and said "Keynan?" Who else could it be? The cousin said "Yes, its me" and asked if I wanted sex. I stammered or moaned something, I was so drunk I couldn't move. I remember being pushed onto my side and being penetrated. The man started to hump me, groaning and moaning. I remember calling out my boyfriend name. I really thought it was Keynan. The cousin completely took advantage of me. Oh god, I woke up at like 6-7AM in shock and dismay. I was in the cousins bed, my lower body bare.
I quickly dressed and stumbled out. There was a spare room, the other cousins. I went back to bed, feeling sick and disgusted and used. I slept some more. Eventually I heard voices, the cousin left and I ventured out. The other guy was up and on the patio, smoking. I did some small talk, I was in shock and left. I went to get another carton of smokes and decide what to do.
I went home, swallowed hard and knocked on our door first. I went in and immediately went to Keynan. He scoffed at the sight of me, turned around on our bed and faced the wall. "I need to tell you something important." I said clearly. And stopped, he turned and asked to go on, what did I want to say. Is it important? My voice wouldn't work for about 10 seconds. What I had to tell him would irrevocably alter us. He was about to leave for a smoke and I said I had sex with his cousin. Keynan stopped, turned and stalked towards me. He spat on my face and left the room to smoke outside.
I started to pack my things, I knew we were done. I knew from the second I woke up to my lower body bare, my vagina sore. Keynan came back in, told me I was trash, that we were done, he didn't love me anymore, we weren't friends. All while I was packing my roller suitcase. I had originally thought to stay one night and get my Mom to pick me up in Nanaimo the next day but as he got more and more angry, I knew I had to leave straight away. I called my Mom, asked her to collect me today at the ferry. I apologized to her, starting to cry. She said she was on her way.
I finished gather my things, all the while Keynan kept going outside for cigarettes, telling his friends and family he broke up with me, he called the cousin that had sex with me. The cousin was shocked - my thought was he probably hoped/prayed I was too drunk to remember. I could hear him crowing that he was single, he was done with my ********. That the whole relationship with me, was I'm a nag, a malcontent, etc.
The last look I gave him as I started to roll my suitcase out. He wouldn't even look at me. He was lying on our bed, staring at his phone. He was so angry, his jaw clenched. "Well, take care of yourself." Was all I said and left.
I'm home now. I'm not eating, I'm making myself drink a bit of water every few hours. I have no energy to do anything, clean up the room I'm using. He wrote to me on Saturday night, late. The first text was making sure I made it home okay. The second was his intial shock wore off and now he's deeply sad, and full of anger. 'How could you do this to me?' He wished me well at my Mother's and hoped I was miserable and felt as defeated as he did.
I'm at odds, wondering if the cousin raped me. Aren't I at fault, for putting myself in such a risky situation? I thought I was safe there. I didn't want things to end with Keynan this way. I remember telling the cousin, with the other guy present, I didn't want to have sex, that I was still with Keynan.
But I'm away from Keynan now, solidly broken up. Our relationship is finished, with no hope of reconcilliation. I'm in shock that the crushing weight of all the pressure, is gone. No forcing myself to work on Tuesday and working day in and day out with my boyfriend at home in the nice cool basement. No more liquor runs and no more fights. No more belittling for me trying to express my needs and boundaries.
It was toxic, soul-crushing, living with an alcoholic. But the man I loved, he's faded away. Keynan is now more sarcastic, more critical, snappy and mean without his drink. He'd make jokes about my weight a couple times. I told him no more weight jokes about three weeks ago, starting to cry and he got shocked and angry. I knew it was then we were truly falling apart. He didn't know how hurt it made me, thinking our relationship was good enough we could still joke around. I told him the first weight joke was a one-off, the second joke concerning, more would be a habit and I wouldn't tolerate it.
I was the driving force behind that relationship. I got played, tricked in the worst way. He's got a whole month to get his **** together. He'll need to work to live, no more siphoning off me. He'll need to get his bank account opened up, start moving forward alone. At least I left him better than I found him - Keynan has all his ID he needs to make it. Perhaps it is me leaving, that motivates him to work on himself and do better. In my love and attempts to help him, I enabled him to drink and treat me poorly.
I feel like the biggest fool, and I feel a little raped. So sorry for such a long post. I'm burnt out, exhausted, amazed at my stressors suddenly going to zero after being turned up so high for so long. 5 months doesn't seem like a long time, but it does if you are in hell.
- Victoria
We had planned to both save up for this big life change move. I had brought in just over $4,000 to the table, he hadn't saved up much, maybe a couple hundred... I was surprised and disappointed but being in a new city, a new beginning... To secure us both in the city, I had paid for an Airbnb. To get me from Vancouver Island and to get him out of the place he had lived at. It was a ground floor apartment of squallor, I'd found out later. That should've been a good indicator of what lifestyle he had, but I hadn't seen the actual previous apartment until June.
So the first two months we were staying in Airbnbs while we looked for a place on Craigslist and Vancouver Marketplace. On my dime. I picked up some temp work, where he'd go get work day by day. I learned quick he didn't like working, he'd rather stay at home and watch Netflix and drink in the evenings. He'd work two days, and drink for a couple days. I was surprised, but he'd told me he was stressed, it'd been the end of last year he'd lost his one remaining parental figure, his Grandmother. He was still dealing with the loss, and this was the first time he'd had stability in a few years. (Also a red flag)
So I shrugged, had a few drinks with him and I kept working temp work. Our plan was always for one of us to get a full-time job and in the two weeks of waiting for payroll to kick in, the other would bring in money day by day to see us through for groceries, transit fare, cigarettes we got for $50 a carton. I wanted to get signed on but Keynan couldn't work more than 2-3 days in a row. The only time he'd really button down was the end of the month and my hard work wasn't going to see us through. I'd make money but lost $20-30 per day to keep us afloat.
Our intimacy went out the window middle of April. I was pretty upset, we'd discussed in our courting days and proved we both had high sex drives, our average was 2-3 times a week. When it disappeared, I'd make a few passes and all of them turned down. I was getting stressed from keeping up with the bills, the lack of contribution. I enjoy sex, especially as a de-stressor. Keynan, when he's stressed, he'd be the opposite, he'd not want to have sex. I was understanding, nodded and waited as 2 weeks went by, 3 weeks. I offered grinding, hand play, anything for closeness. I got pretty hurt and angry when I realized he was masterbating frequently. So he had a sex drive, just couldn't include me because doing it solo was 'easier and more fulfilling." So from May to July, we'd been probably only intimate twice a month. I got upset frequently at this, it was a cause for a few fights.
A big blow to me and my self confidence, is when we were celebrating one of Keynan's friends who had a guest over. We hit the town, had a lovely dinner. Keynan got very drunk, had a mickey on him. As we were walking down the street, he was complimenting people, in high spirits. This one woman of a group, he stopped her as she walked by and asked if she wanted to ****. With me right there. I was furious and immediately left for home. This started a huge fight where I didn't go home and went to his cousins' place.
He called me, texted me, called me all sorts of things. He broke up with me, this was the second time during a drunken fight. I slept over on the couch, and then went to the movie theatre to eat up time so he'd calm down. He was stonewalling me when I got home, did this for two days. I finally got a load of alcohol to console myself and he joined me. He saw I was serious about my boundaries and finally started to apologize. I got more drunk, forgave him and we were together again.
May 1, we secured an amazing place by Metrotown, central to the greater Vancouver area. There was transit nearby, grcoeries, everything we needed. It was only $1,000 a month with $28 per month with internet, all else included. It was a basement suite, the master bedroom with ensuite private bathroom with bathtub. And for a year long lease. Such a brilliant starter place. But it was always me just working, shopping, doing anything. He didn't have a bank account, had no ID for a few years. He did have the forms to get his birth certificate but never bothered to send them in. I finally blew up at him, asked him to mail the goddam paperwork, make steps to better himself and our situation. I was tired of being gopher, the only one with access to debit, transactions. Whatever money he made, he transferred to me and I'd count it as our combined money pot, since he was always coming up short.
I'd be getting more and more stressed as time went on. Working day after day, coming home, seeing him comfortable and relaxing and watching Netflix. He'd do the dishes, make dinner. He'd sorta clean up when I asked him to. We'd drink on weekends, and we'd get into fights most weekends. He'd say I was a mean drunk, bad person to drink with. I would communicate I was unhappy with our relationship dynamic and he'd say all the right words to calm me down. But never do what he'd promised. So when I would drink, all this building resentment and frustration would come out.
If I get really upset, I want to leave, excuse myself from the conversation. I'd try to a few times and he'd follow after me, screaming, yelling, telling him I was abandoning him. I'd just want a walk around the block, to cool down, to gather my thoughts. Its hard to think when you're in the heat of things. Sometimes I'd just take off and ride the skytrain, or see his cousins' for a while. They knew Keynan's behaviour and habits and were sympathetic to me.
This was very hard for me. I love this man, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did, if I hadn't loved him. He'd told me he'd lived through a few traumatic events, he was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil. He had depression and often said he had no energy to work or do anything. I'd asked him to go seek help, but he'd refused, thinking that meant medication and he was adamant about starting that. I told me just talking would be enough. I know when a person feels safe and secure, sometimes trauma starts to rise to the surface, ready to be faced and dealt with. But he'd drink to cope. He'd let me do all the work and use me to continue to float through life.
This past weekend I had enough. We had another big fight this past Friday and I left for his cousins' again. There was one cousin and one guy who wanted to move in first week of August. They did the usual, listen to me vent. They gave me some more beer. I got more and more drunk, and eventually I wanted to pass out. The one cousin guided me to a bed, it turns out it was his bed. He cuddled up to me, said that was all he was going to do. I remember falling fully asleep. At some point, I was being shaken and being asked something. I couldn't talk, couldn't open my eyes. I was spooned up against someone and said "Keynan?" Who else could it be? The cousin said "Yes, its me" and asked if I wanted sex. I stammered or moaned something, I was so drunk I couldn't move. I remember being pushed onto my side and being penetrated. The man started to hump me, groaning and moaning. I remember calling out my boyfriend name. I really thought it was Keynan. The cousin completely took advantage of me. Oh god, I woke up at like 6-7AM in shock and dismay. I was in the cousins bed, my lower body bare.
I quickly dressed and stumbled out. There was a spare room, the other cousins. I went back to bed, feeling sick and disgusted and used. I slept some more. Eventually I heard voices, the cousin left and I ventured out. The other guy was up and on the patio, smoking. I did some small talk, I was in shock and left. I went to get another carton of smokes and decide what to do.
I went home, swallowed hard and knocked on our door first. I went in and immediately went to Keynan. He scoffed at the sight of me, turned around on our bed and faced the wall. "I need to tell you something important." I said clearly. And stopped, he turned and asked to go on, what did I want to say. Is it important? My voice wouldn't work for about 10 seconds. What I had to tell him would irrevocably alter us. He was about to leave for a smoke and I said I had sex with his cousin. Keynan stopped, turned and stalked towards me. He spat on my face and left the room to smoke outside.
I started to pack my things, I knew we were done. I knew from the second I woke up to my lower body bare, my vagina sore. Keynan came back in, told me I was trash, that we were done, he didn't love me anymore, we weren't friends. All while I was packing my roller suitcase. I had originally thought to stay one night and get my Mom to pick me up in Nanaimo the next day but as he got more and more angry, I knew I had to leave straight away. I called my Mom, asked her to collect me today at the ferry. I apologized to her, starting to cry. She said she was on her way.
I finished gather my things, all the while Keynan kept going outside for cigarettes, telling his friends and family he broke up with me, he called the cousin that had sex with me. The cousin was shocked - my thought was he probably hoped/prayed I was too drunk to remember. I could hear him crowing that he was single, he was done with my ********. That the whole relationship with me, was I'm a nag, a malcontent, etc.
The last look I gave him as I started to roll my suitcase out. He wouldn't even look at me. He was lying on our bed, staring at his phone. He was so angry, his jaw clenched. "Well, take care of yourself." Was all I said and left.
I'm home now. I'm not eating, I'm making myself drink a bit of water every few hours. I have no energy to do anything, clean up the room I'm using. He wrote to me on Saturday night, late. The first text was making sure I made it home okay. The second was his intial shock wore off and now he's deeply sad, and full of anger. 'How could you do this to me?' He wished me well at my Mother's and hoped I was miserable and felt as defeated as he did.
I'm at odds, wondering if the cousin raped me. Aren't I at fault, for putting myself in such a risky situation? I thought I was safe there. I didn't want things to end with Keynan this way. I remember telling the cousin, with the other guy present, I didn't want to have sex, that I was still with Keynan.
But I'm away from Keynan now, solidly broken up. Our relationship is finished, with no hope of reconcilliation. I'm in shock that the crushing weight of all the pressure, is gone. No forcing myself to work on Tuesday and working day in and day out with my boyfriend at home in the nice cool basement. No more liquor runs and no more fights. No more belittling for me trying to express my needs and boundaries.
It was toxic, soul-crushing, living with an alcoholic. But the man I loved, he's faded away. Keynan is now more sarcastic, more critical, snappy and mean without his drink. He'd make jokes about my weight a couple times. I told him no more weight jokes about three weeks ago, starting to cry and he got shocked and angry. I knew it was then we were truly falling apart. He didn't know how hurt it made me, thinking our relationship was good enough we could still joke around. I told him the first weight joke was a one-off, the second joke concerning, more would be a habit and I wouldn't tolerate it.
I was the driving force behind that relationship. I got played, tricked in the worst way. He's got a whole month to get his **** together. He'll need to work to live, no more siphoning off me. He'll need to get his bank account opened up, start moving forward alone. At least I left him better than I found him - Keynan has all his ID he needs to make it. Perhaps it is me leaving, that motivates him to work on himself and do better. In my love and attempts to help him, I enabled him to drink and treat me poorly.
I feel like the biggest fool, and I feel a little raped. So sorry for such a long post. I'm burnt out, exhausted, amazed at my stressors suddenly going to zero after being turned up so high for so long. 5 months doesn't seem like a long time, but it does if you are in hell.
- Victoria
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Hi Victoria, glad you found this forum but sorry for what brings you here, of course.
First of all, I hope you will call the police and tell them what happened. It may well be rape, they will tell you how to proceed.
Secondly, please start taking care of yourself. It's no wonder you are exhausted after that roller coaster ride. You're not a fool, it was a mistake, we ALL make mistakes. It took moving there and living with him to see who he truly is, which you did, now you have moved on. You also now know really well what you don't want in a relationship. You are looking for a partner who treats you with kindness and respect, you do deserve that - this was not that.
It's easy for me to say you dodged a bullet, however right now you are very hurt. It's going to take some time to heal from this, that's normal. Do what you can each day to move yourself forward, even if today that's eating dinner and having a shower. Try not to ruminate too much, by distracting yourself. This is a good thing to do, at least in the short term, to give yourself a break. Read if you can (a book most often recommended here is Codependent no more by Melody Beattie). Watch movies you love or try something you wouldn't normally watch.
Talk to people, your friends, your Mom, doesn't have to be about the ex, just conversation. Life will start to get on more of an even keel, just takes some time and as that time passes you will feel progressively better.
Post here as often as you like, lots of support here for you.
First of all, I hope you will call the police and tell them what happened. It may well be rape, they will tell you how to proceed.
Secondly, please start taking care of yourself. It's no wonder you are exhausted after that roller coaster ride. You're not a fool, it was a mistake, we ALL make mistakes. It took moving there and living with him to see who he truly is, which you did, now you have moved on. You also now know really well what you don't want in a relationship. You are looking for a partner who treats you with kindness and respect, you do deserve that - this was not that.
It's easy for me to say you dodged a bullet, however right now you are very hurt. It's going to take some time to heal from this, that's normal. Do what you can each day to move yourself forward, even if today that's eating dinner and having a shower. Try not to ruminate too much, by distracting yourself. This is a good thing to do, at least in the short term, to give yourself a break. Read if you can (a book most often recommended here is Codependent no more by Melody Beattie). Watch movies you love or try something you wouldn't normally watch.
Talk to people, your friends, your Mom, doesn't have to be about the ex, just conversation. Life will start to get on more of an even keel, just takes some time and as that time passes you will feel progressively better.
Post here as often as you like, lots of support here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2021
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 383
What happened meets the legal definition of rape because if you are intoxicated, you are considered unable to give consent. It gets a lot more complicated once time has elapsed, so talk to law enforcement if you feel so inclined.
Take care of yourself. At least try to eat a little. It just takes time. You had a lot invested in this and it hurts to lose it.
Take care of yourself. At least try to eat a little. It just takes time. You had a lot invested in this and it hurts to lose it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 13
Thank you so much for the replies and advice... I've grappled with what happened, the drunk sex act. I don't care anymore if it was rape or not, now. It solidly and concretely got me away from Keynan. I don't have to live there with him anymore, him stealing my sense of self more and more. I just hate myself that it was the only way to leave, him deciding when we were through. I hate myself that I wasn't strong enough to pull up stakes and leave under my own terms. All his friends and family can think I cheated - its a small price to pay to get away from him. I'm going to set up counselling, will book some STD tests, look forwards and start forwards again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Please don't "hate" yourself. So you got in to the wrong relationship and let it go on too long. That's something you can look at, for yourself going forward. It's great you have set up counselling, that will go a long way toward healing from this.
I really hope you will read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, it can be quite enlightening in setting boundaries. In the future, if you have built strong boundaries, it will serve you well (not just in romantic relationships, in life in general).
You may decide to go to the police later, that's ok too. If he did that to you, he may do it to others and reporting it might help someone else out in the future, but, of course, that is entirely up to you.
Post as often as you like, lots of support here for you!
I really hope you will read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, it can be quite enlightening in setting boundaries. In the future, if you have built strong boundaries, it will serve you well (not just in romantic relationships, in life in general).
You may decide to go to the police later, that's ok too. If he did that to you, he may do it to others and reporting it might help someone else out in the future, but, of course, that is entirely up to you.
Post as often as you like, lots of support here for you!
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm hoping that along with the medical appointment and testing, that you're able to spend some time on yourself, to get really healthy, physically, emotionally, and mentally. The whole relationship and ending you shared is a lot, it really is. Along with reading melody beattie's book, perhaps be thinking about what you want for yourself, now that you can be focused on moving forwards?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Sweetheart I skimmed but what that cousin did to you was rape. It's not drunken sex, you could not give consent (except for cuddles). You did not even know who was doing that, you thought it was your boyfriend.
I appreciate that making a statement to the police is hard and rape cases are hard won so I will not tell you you have to do it. I just want to reiterate what that guy did was wrong and he took advantage of you but that does not make you lesser/more stupid for it.
Take care x
I appreciate that making a statement to the police is hard and rape cases are hard won so I will not tell you you have to do it. I just want to reiterate what that guy did was wrong and he took advantage of you but that does not make you lesser/more stupid for it.
Take care x
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,985
I totally agree with Kokoro. I would go so far as to suggest that he may have put something in your beer since you mentioned not being able to move. This guy needs to be reported because if he did it to you, he either has or will at some point do it to someone else.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
You sound really beat down, and feeling ashamed and blaming yourself for a lot including this crime. You’re just numb and probably in some shock, probably feel like you escaped Alcatraz. But in time I fear you’re going to get very angry if you don’t take action against the cousin. Maybe talk to a lawyer first to see what they think you should do, so at least you can run it by someone who will get you into your more objective thinking. Then even if you decide not to go forward, at least you can feel you made the best choice for you.
I had a similar relationship with my ex, he ran me into the ground, and was much later I discover he was having an affair with someone we both knew, and they both hid it from me. It was truly disgusting the gaslighting they both used on me, pure evil. For the life of me I can’t wrap my head around why I let it get to where it did, and for so long, it’s not ever what I wanted or who I thought I was. But I know I’m not alone either, so it’s common enough that I can say it wasn’t my fault. I got used, and I was too nice, I never learned good boundaries or what it means to be in a committed relationship. I know what it’s like to feel so relieved to get out that you don’t care what happened, all the bad. The the anger comes back later, because it’s like PTSD. We’ve been touched by darkness. But these kinds of people are the darkness, so you can’t beat yourself up, it’s hard to break free from malevolent forces. It’s like the dementors from Harry Potter.
I had a similar relationship with my ex, he ran me into the ground, and was much later I discover he was having an affair with someone we both knew, and they both hid it from me. It was truly disgusting the gaslighting they both used on me, pure evil. For the life of me I can’t wrap my head around why I let it get to where it did, and for so long, it’s not ever what I wanted or who I thought I was. But I know I’m not alone either, so it’s common enough that I can say it wasn’t my fault. I got used, and I was too nice, I never learned good boundaries or what it means to be in a committed relationship. I know what it’s like to feel so relieved to get out that you don’t care what happened, all the bad. The the anger comes back later, because it’s like PTSD. We’ve been touched by darkness. But these kinds of people are the darkness, so you can’t beat yourself up, it’s hard to break free from malevolent forces. It’s like the dementors from Harry Potter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 13
Thank you all so very much for the advice, the encouragement. Mostly of believing what I went through. You all have been a rock in a great, terrible storm. My older sister has also been my rock in my offline life - I tried to tell my parents, my two best friends about the cousin sex crime. As soon as I mentioned drinking, they scoffed, said I should have known better. Its been agonizing, I've been talking to crisis online chats since there's no other resources where I live. I feel even more isolated than when I did with my ex. When I was living with him I was embarassed to say he was an alcoholic and I didn't want to quit on him when he was reasonable. So I didn't talk to my friends at home about how things really were, I said things were working out great. And now I'm ashamed and don't even want to go to my friendships I've neglected, because no one will listen that I was raped since I chose to go over to the cousin's house, I chose to have drinks with them, sleep over.
My very ex boyfriend, he told the cousins's mother, the other cousin roommate who wasn't there. They all believe the rapist cousin, who said I was talking, moving, it didn't count as rape. That I wanted it, thats the only reason I was over there. So my ex now sides with the family, he says I betrayed him, by seeking comfort instead of staying with him. I told him I was only seeking comfort and safety because my ex broke my phone in trying to see if I could shelter somewhere else for the night because he was getting verbally abusive and I wouldn't take it anymore. Then he broke our bedroom door in when I locked him out to pack, to keep him from stopping me from leaving for the night. He now says I made him break the door, I was goading him.
With his determination that I cheated on him, I'm cutting ties forever with this abusive, manipulative man-child. I don't need to settle for someone so soul-destroying and cruel. I don't deserve a half-love or live in constant struggle with his drinking issues and jealousy and controlling issues. I can finally say to myself 'I don't want to live this way anymore.'. I thank all of you for helping me discover the way out of this, to find that steel in me and cut away from my ex.
My sister, Catherine, she works at a remote floating hotel on the sea and has gotten me a job as housekeeper, my career strengths are retail and hospitality work. Its limited wifi, its for 2 months with free lodging and meals, the pay is incredible. I'll recover mentally and emotionally by the sea, start chipping away at my debts. I have bloodwork to do before I leave for the job in 10 days, I'll take care of myself physically as well. I'm worth so much and I need to take care of myself. I'm having a hard time eating but I'm making myself eat at least two good meals a day.
I've found some solid footing after this hurricane of misery and terror. Thank you all so much for your kind words, advice. This woman has found her strength again, and I'll get a copy of that 'Codependent no More" book. Much love, you guys are the absolute best. This story has a happy ending thanks to this forum
- Victoria
My very ex boyfriend, he told the cousins's mother, the other cousin roommate who wasn't there. They all believe the rapist cousin, who said I was talking, moving, it didn't count as rape. That I wanted it, thats the only reason I was over there. So my ex now sides with the family, he says I betrayed him, by seeking comfort instead of staying with him. I told him I was only seeking comfort and safety because my ex broke my phone in trying to see if I could shelter somewhere else for the night because he was getting verbally abusive and I wouldn't take it anymore. Then he broke our bedroom door in when I locked him out to pack, to keep him from stopping me from leaving for the night. He now says I made him break the door, I was goading him.
With his determination that I cheated on him, I'm cutting ties forever with this abusive, manipulative man-child. I don't need to settle for someone so soul-destroying and cruel. I don't deserve a half-love or live in constant struggle with his drinking issues and jealousy and controlling issues. I can finally say to myself 'I don't want to live this way anymore.'. I thank all of you for helping me discover the way out of this, to find that steel in me and cut away from my ex.
My sister, Catherine, she works at a remote floating hotel on the sea and has gotten me a job as housekeeper, my career strengths are retail and hospitality work. Its limited wifi, its for 2 months with free lodging and meals, the pay is incredible. I'll recover mentally and emotionally by the sea, start chipping away at my debts. I have bloodwork to do before I leave for the job in 10 days, I'll take care of myself physically as well. I'm worth so much and I need to take care of myself. I'm having a hard time eating but I'm making myself eat at least two good meals a day.
I've found some solid footing after this hurricane of misery and terror. Thank you all so much for your kind words, advice. This woman has found her strength again, and I'll get a copy of that 'Codependent no More" book. Much love, you guys are the absolute best. This story has a happy ending thanks to this forum
- Victoria
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Victoria, I'm so glad you came back to give your update and while it's fraught with all you have been through, it does have a happy ending and it will just keep getting better and better.
The new job sounds ideal. You will be near your Sister and in the company of new people and have a new environment, that's truly great. I hope it starts soon.
Keep talking. You know, his "secret" was never yours to keep. It's so important that we don't keep secrets from those close to us when we really need support and understanding.
I can hear how strong you are and committed to moving past this and you will.
The new job sounds ideal. You will be near your Sister and in the company of new people and have a new environment, that's truly great. I hope it starts soon.
Keep talking. You know, his "secret" was never yours to keep. It's so important that we don't keep secrets from those close to us when we really need support and understanding.
I can hear how strong you are and committed to moving past this and you will.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 13
Thank you, trailmix, its been an emotional rollercoaster. The aftermath was especially hard, floundering and wanting to run back to familiarity and hoping love would triumph, somehow. My ex is a pro manipulator and emotionally abusive as hell. He knew exactly what to say to make me think of running back to him when I was so beat down and broken. Now I'm snapped out of that spell he put on me and I'm never going back for seconds. Its a wasteland of let-downs, empty promises, and more abuse.
I'm very excited to start moving forward again - two months away by the sea and working in my preferred industry. I love housekeeping and hospitality work. I may have a winter housekeeping job - I could have almost ten grand saved up, come spring. There's so much to do and see, without the unbearable weight of that soul-sapping relationship.
I'm going to write to my friends I've neglected - I made a post on Facebook saying I was back in my hometown but not ready to see people. I know they're waiting for me to reach out. As embarassed and ashamed I feel, I'll reach out before I leave for two months. I need support and people who know my story, to bolster me up when I'm feeling weak and wonder how my ex is doing. I'll keep talking, keep moving forward. I'll stay around these forums and make connections. The scars alcoholics leave behind last a lifetime. We all need to help each other <3 Thanks trailmix, everyone
I'm very excited to start moving forward again - two months away by the sea and working in my preferred industry. I love housekeeping and hospitality work. I may have a winter housekeeping job - I could have almost ten grand saved up, come spring. There's so much to do and see, without the unbearable weight of that soul-sapping relationship.
I'm going to write to my friends I've neglected - I made a post on Facebook saying I was back in my hometown but not ready to see people. I know they're waiting for me to reach out. As embarassed and ashamed I feel, I'll reach out before I leave for two months. I need support and people who know my story, to bolster me up when I'm feeling weak and wonder how my ex is doing. I'll keep talking, keep moving forward. I'll stay around these forums and make connections. The scars alcoholics leave behind last a lifetime. We all need to help each other <3 Thanks trailmix, everyone
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by VickersLemmy 
Thank you, trailmix, its been an emotional rollercoaster. The aftermath was especially hard, floundering and wanting to run back to familiarity and hoping love would triumph, somehow. My ex is a pro manipulator and emotionally abusive as hell. He knew exactly what to say to make me think of running back to him when I was so beat down and broken. Now I'm snapped out of that spell he put on me and I'm never going back for seconds. Its a wasteland of let-downs, empty promises, and more abuse.
I'm very excited to start moving forward again - two months away by the sea and working in my preferred industry. I love housekeeping and hospitality work. I may have a winter housekeeping job - I could have almost ten grand saved up, come spring. There's so much to do and see, without the unbearable weight of that soul-sapping relationship.
I'm going to write to my friends I've neglected - I made a post on Facebook saying I was back in my hometown but not ready to see people. I know they're waiting for me to reach out. As embarassed and ashamed I feel, I'll reach out before I leave for two months. I need support and people who know my story, to bolster me up when I'm feeling weak and wonder how my ex is doing. I'll keep talking, keep moving forward. I'll stay around these forums and make connections. The scars alcoholics leave behind last a lifetime. We all need to help each other <3 Thanks trailmix, everyone
I'm very excited to start moving forward again - two months away by the sea and working in my preferred industry. I love housekeeping and hospitality work. I may have a winter housekeeping job - I could have almost ten grand saved up, come spring. There's so much to do and see, without the unbearable weight of that soul-sapping relationship.
I'm going to write to my friends I've neglected - I made a post on Facebook saying I was back in my hometown but not ready to see people. I know they're waiting for me to reach out. As embarassed and ashamed I feel, I'll reach out before I leave for two months. I need support and people who know my story, to bolster me up when I'm feeling weak and wonder how my ex is doing. I'll keep talking, keep moving forward. I'll stay around these forums and make connections. The scars alcoholics leave behind last a lifetime. We all need to help each other <3 Thanks trailmix, everyone
zero reason to feel embarrassed and ashamed. this is what alcoholics can and will do. not your fault. alcoholism is a huge problem in society, damages families, friends and associated with many medical health issues. you are to be commended for trying so hard to do what you thought would help him, little did you know.....
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