Open the Door or Not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Open the Door or Not?
My young adult son wants to bring his cousins, my nieces and nephew, ages 12 to 15, to my house with him when he comes to visit for a couple of days from out of town. Their mother is the 'golden child' who has of my three siblings been the one who best learned the lesson that I am the family scapegoat, who has been snotty and nasty to me since a very young age (because she learned early on that I would always be blamed). She has made no effort, ever, to repair the family rift that resulted when another of our siblings raged at me over dinner and not one of them told her to settle down or stood up for me. Her husband has snubbed me very deliberately and pointedly since that day.
I don't particularly want these kids in my house (nothing against them, I don't know them at all) in part because another nephew made it clear that my siblings are teaching all their kids that I can be treated with any abuse. Why would I open myself up to that? In part, because someone has just made a false claim to CPS about my husband after my other son's visit and I don't want these kids in the house perhaps even innocently saying something that my sister or BIL twist into another false report against either me or my husband.
There is a slim chance that allowing my son to bring them could open a door to begin healing some rifts. I doubt it--but the chance is there.
My son said he had to ask my sister if SHE is okay with them being in my house--he didn't ask ME if I was okay with her kids being here. My expectation is that she or her husband won't allow it or possibly that she'll take the opportunity to send me a nasty PM demanding that I do such and such before she allows her children here.
Would you allow them in? Would you tell your son no they can't come? If so, with an explanation?
Would you be proactive and tell your sister they are only allowed here under such and such circumstances before she does it to you?
Would you just wait and see what develops and if she pulls something that snotty, politely remind her that I never invited them?
I'm also waiting on my husband's feelings about this. He may say he doesn't want them here in which case I'll tell my son that.
I don't particularly want these kids in my house (nothing against them, I don't know them at all) in part because another nephew made it clear that my siblings are teaching all their kids that I can be treated with any abuse. Why would I open myself up to that? In part, because someone has just made a false claim to CPS about my husband after my other son's visit and I don't want these kids in the house perhaps even innocently saying something that my sister or BIL twist into another false report against either me or my husband.
There is a slim chance that allowing my son to bring them could open a door to begin healing some rifts. I doubt it--but the chance is there.
My son said he had to ask my sister if SHE is okay with them being in my house--he didn't ask ME if I was okay with her kids being here. My expectation is that she or her husband won't allow it or possibly that she'll take the opportunity to send me a nasty PM demanding that I do such and such before she allows her children here.
Would you allow them in? Would you tell your son no they can't come? If so, with an explanation?
Would you be proactive and tell your sister they are only allowed here under such and such circumstances before she does it to you?
Would you just wait and see what develops and if she pulls something that snotty, politely remind her that I never invited them?
I'm also waiting on my husband's feelings about this. He may say he doesn't want them here in which case I'll tell my son that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 293
Hello EveningRose,
The way I see it, it's your home, therefore, you decide who is welcome and who isn't. As you say, you don't know these kids.
I wouldn't leave myself wide open for any potential crap from your sister.
You don't have to go into any big explaination to your son - just tell him that it might not be the best idea due to broken relationships.
Don't put yourself in the firing line.
Much Love
Bute x
The way I see it, it's your home, therefore, you decide who is welcome and who isn't. As you say, you don't know these kids.
I wouldn't leave myself wide open for any potential crap from your sister.
You don't have to go into any big explaination to your son - just tell him that it might not be the best idea due to broken relationships.
Don't put yourself in the firing line.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Personally? I would say no, we are looking forward to you visiting though!
I wouldn't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
I would do this because of the whole CPS fiasco (mainly). It's not safe to have these people you don't know in your house, who knows what gossip or made up story might come out of it.
If you want to explain that to your Son when he gets there, about the whole CPS thing, that's up to you of course, I probably would, saves him guessing why you have taken this stance (he doesn't have to agree of course).
Any other option is inviting drama in to your life.
I wouldn't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
I would do this because of the whole CPS fiasco (mainly). It's not safe to have these people you don't know in your house, who knows what gossip or made up story might come out of it.
If you want to explain that to your Son when he gets there, about the whole CPS thing, that's up to you of course, I probably would, saves him guessing why you have taken this stance (he doesn't have to agree of course).
Any other option is inviting drama in to your life.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Your home is your space, and you decide who are allowed to visit as guests.
It sounds as if it's better to push this off to the future. Perhaps you suggest your son do something social with his cousins elsewhere until he has his own home in which to host social events. If you're at all interested in meeting these young people, suggest an alternate, neutral place for a short visit / activity. Otherwise, express to your son what are your boundaries for guests in your home, and leave it at that.
It sounds as if it's better to push this off to the future. Perhaps you suggest your son do something social with his cousins elsewhere until he has his own home in which to host social events. If you're at all interested in meeting these young people, suggest an alternate, neutral place for a short visit / activity. Otherwise, express to your son what are your boundaries for guests in your home, and leave it at that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
After I fell out with my sisters, I tried including my niece and nephew in things.
My niece became a snotty little brat overnight, while my nephew was relaying information home to one of my sisters about my business.
Unless the kids have demonstrated that they are fully emancipated , no I wouldn’t invite them.
My niece became a snotty little brat overnight, while my nephew was relaying information home to one of my sisters about my business.
Unless the kids have demonstrated that they are fully emancipated , no I wouldn’t invite them.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,555
This is clearly a sore spot with you, so why bother.
Your ADULT son is coming to visit YOU, so why dilute the whole affair with 'tweens and teens you barely know. And for that matter, why is your ADULT son so keen on entertaining children? If he doesn't want to spend that much time with you, he can take in the sights, visit friends, or plan for a shorter visit.
Your ADULT son is coming to visit YOU, so why dilute the whole affair with 'tweens and teens you barely know. And for that matter, why is your ADULT son so keen on entertaining children? If he doesn't want to spend that much time with you, he can take in the sights, visit friends, or plan for a shorter visit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
In response to a few replies, I really don't know whose idea it was for these kids to come up here. I don't know if my son just wants to spend time with them (my kids are all pretty close to their cousins), if he specifically wanted them to have fun on my new property (which has some really neat things on it), if they asked, or what. One of his aunts lives about 45 minutes from me so I don't know if they all planned on visiting her, too, and he didn't want to drive out there to drop them off first and then all the way back to see me.
I have told my son it's not a good idea and if he wants to bring them to visit their aunt, that aunt and their mother will no doubt reimburse him for the extra gas to bring them up for a visit.
I have told my son it's not a good idea and if he wants to bring them to visit their aunt, that aunt and their mother will no doubt reimburse him for the extra gas to bring them up for a visit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by RunningScared 
My ideas are different. They are kids! In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if they visit you or not? Think about how much they might enjoy that.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,555
I would be very, very hesitant to host children I don't know in a situation like this. The homeowner would be liable for any accident/injury, and a young adult doesn't necessarily have the maturity to see around the corners or the perceived authority to have his instructions followed. We live in a litigious society. Things happen.
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