Any experience in reporting to police?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Any experience in reporting to police?
Morning all
I have made a few posts already so I do apologise for making another. Its just to draw attention to this particular question.
To try keep it short. My ex was abusive. He was just weeks into being sober when we met. Even though the first 2 months of getting to know him seemed lovely he was dropping in the beginnings of emotional and mental abuse. Comments on appearance and very quickly introduced his ex into the scenario along with another woman who he had been involved with whilst still with the ex.
overtime I dealt with his mood swings. I could feel in my gut something was off. I started becoming hyper sensitive to his Facebook page. New women added and some were deleted after weeks of seemingly being someone who liked what he posted. It became clear over time he liked his women but went out of his way to act the ever loyal innocent man with minimal relationships and strong values.
I stupidly let him come and go. During the time he was gone he had met someone on a dating app. He was having sex with her whilst I was crying across town confused for weeks at what had happened.
eventually we got into a relationship. A million red flags happened. Borrowing my money constantly and never quite paying me back. Future faking. He wouldn't take single of Facebook. He mentally abused me about wanting the relationship public. He used social media but went into an angry rage about social media when I dared to request I was put onto it as his girlfriend. He began tormenting me with his ex constantly. Telling me she was sending him lists. She was harmless. She was just his friend. Then he'd say oh I think she was hinting at us getting back together. Then he'd defend her. Then he'd tell me all the awful stuff she did. Then he'd tell me what projects she was doing. It was like he wanted me to feel awful about her and insecure but also he seemed completely unable to let go of her even after 3 years.
Our relationship stayed at the same level. He in average got angry once a month to the level of get out my house!!! he threw me out and yelled at me. This took place at allsorts of times. Sometimes 4am. Sometimes 2pm. It was always if I was hurt. Always if I was sad about something. Like the day he told me I looked lovely and just as I smiled and said thank you, he threw in an insult about my blue jeans being better than those black ones I wear, followed by his disappointment that I don't wear xyz. I got upset because he'd often go on about both his exes loving expensive dresses from coast. I remember saying to him I feel like you compare me to your exes and you don't think I try hard enough. With that I was thrown out after he raged at me. I was genuinely hurt.
December, January and February was awful. I seemed to be permently giving him money and permently getting in trouble. He was never happy. I was doing everything for him. Sorting all his problems. Forms. Phone calls. He had various problems. He was skint. He was in pain. He had housing issues. He had debts piling up. It was like I was chasing my tail trying to sort his things. Often he wouldn't make phone calls he needed to make and I'd just be so fed up. I was getting distracted from my kids and struggling to keep up. My own house was going downhill. He'd always need me for something. So if I went home at 7am to care for my children and focus on my home he'd be needing me every 5 minutes.
I was bullied about my phone use. I was put down. I was tormented and triangulated for months and he would then give me some fake attention. He'd Cook us dinner. He'd tell me he loved me. But all intimacy had stopped. I knew that it wasn't right. He claimed we couldn't have full sex because of his back. Which I do believe. His back was swollen. But it just felt like he had no interest in me. Physical contact was rare. But even the nice texts stopped. I never woke up to anything nice anymore like I used to. I felt so lonely.
March seemed a good month in terms of arguing. We seemed at peace. We had stopped arguing. But his phone use changed. I knew he was talking to someone else. I caught him out lying one morning he pretended to be texting his male cousin. I knew he wasn't as the cousin told me the next day he hadn't heard from him. He suddenly began saying I'll ring you in a minute then he'd not bother. This happened 4 times in one week. I was handing him money over then he'd treat me like I wasn't important. I eventually went through his phone and found messages to his ex which I have explained in other posts. We didn't recover from that. I believe he was possibly talking to someone else too but I didn't look any further as the exes messages were enough for me to leave.
he had £500 in the last months and owed me more. He had stuff on my shopping accounts and he promised to pay and never did.
as I've wrote before his belongings were left at mine as he was worried the bailiffs would go round. So his sentimental items and legal documents were left at mine. He purposely ignored all my emails over 3 months. He sent me one arranging to pay me and the money never turned up. He then continued to ghost my emails. I have tried to communicate to him through 2 family members. They failed to get him to listen. But eventually one fell out with him. The other turned onto his side. Because he fed her lies. He told her I stole £300 from his side when I left. He also told her I was obsessed and so jealous over his ex and stalked her. He also told her I couldn't accept he didn't want me so I kept paying him money.
I eventually sent all his stuff to his cousin in a box this week. She was demanding his passport was sent and told me he had been told not to contact me and to have someone else collect his things. As soon as he heard I had sent all his stuff across including the passport he turns in an email. Told me he's reporting me for stealing the passport. He then writes in the email I'm a joke. He said that I chased him around his house telling him to hit me and insists I stole his money. He said I stalk his ex. Message women asking if he's had sex with them. Allsorts.
My Friend who's his neighbour took 3 photos of him outside her house with another woman 3 weeks ago. This woman was holding his dog and then another neighbour messaged me and said they are definitely together she's been coming over all weekend in her car. When my exes cousin was arguing with me about his stuff I said look now he's with someone else I don't want it here. She said my friend was lying to me so I showed her the photos and she sent them to him. He then reported me for harrasment. On the screen shot I sent there was a camera roll at the bottom and there was 2 photos of my exes ex profile photo on it. That was my friend trying to work out if he was walking with his ex. I know this was silly, I was gutted she sent the photos because it just upset me. But because of the exes photo being on the camera roll his cousin now is saying I keep a camera roll on his ex on my phone.
I have arranged to speak to the police Sunday but I think perhaps I should cancel it if I can. I kind of feel that he will be very clever and able to turn it around onto me. Ive read this morning online that these men always spin it and get the police believing allsorts. They will twist and lie. So I feel that by reporting him it will come back badly on me. I'm just fed up of it. He's stolen my money. He's lied about me stealing his. He has used my my Netflix and prime account for weeks after we split. He has still got my tablet at his and wont respond about it. He has lied about me chasing him. Lied about me being obsessed with his ex. I did speak to 3 women about him and woman number one still talks to me after 18 months. She told me he wrecked her life. Woman number 2 confirmed they met on tinder and met a few times and had sex and she slept at his. Woman number 3 was his brothers ex. She had turned bright red once when we walked past and deleted him off Facebook. So after we split I asked her why she reacted that way and she told me for years he'd been trying to get with her and he asked her to the cinema after we split. He used to tell me he wouldn't go near her. That's how sick he is!
So on reading this should I cancel Sunday? I just can't handle his games.
I have made a few posts already so I do apologise for making another. Its just to draw attention to this particular question.
To try keep it short. My ex was abusive. He was just weeks into being sober when we met. Even though the first 2 months of getting to know him seemed lovely he was dropping in the beginnings of emotional and mental abuse. Comments on appearance and very quickly introduced his ex into the scenario along with another woman who he had been involved with whilst still with the ex.
overtime I dealt with his mood swings. I could feel in my gut something was off. I started becoming hyper sensitive to his Facebook page. New women added and some were deleted after weeks of seemingly being someone who liked what he posted. It became clear over time he liked his women but went out of his way to act the ever loyal innocent man with minimal relationships and strong values.
I stupidly let him come and go. During the time he was gone he had met someone on a dating app. He was having sex with her whilst I was crying across town confused for weeks at what had happened.
eventually we got into a relationship. A million red flags happened. Borrowing my money constantly and never quite paying me back. Future faking. He wouldn't take single of Facebook. He mentally abused me about wanting the relationship public. He used social media but went into an angry rage about social media when I dared to request I was put onto it as his girlfriend. He began tormenting me with his ex constantly. Telling me she was sending him lists. She was harmless. She was just his friend. Then he'd say oh I think she was hinting at us getting back together. Then he'd defend her. Then he'd tell me all the awful stuff she did. Then he'd tell me what projects she was doing. It was like he wanted me to feel awful about her and insecure but also he seemed completely unable to let go of her even after 3 years.
Our relationship stayed at the same level. He in average got angry once a month to the level of get out my house!!! he threw me out and yelled at me. This took place at allsorts of times. Sometimes 4am. Sometimes 2pm. It was always if I was hurt. Always if I was sad about something. Like the day he told me I looked lovely and just as I smiled and said thank you, he threw in an insult about my blue jeans being better than those black ones I wear, followed by his disappointment that I don't wear xyz. I got upset because he'd often go on about both his exes loving expensive dresses from coast. I remember saying to him I feel like you compare me to your exes and you don't think I try hard enough. With that I was thrown out after he raged at me. I was genuinely hurt.
December, January and February was awful. I seemed to be permently giving him money and permently getting in trouble. He was never happy. I was doing everything for him. Sorting all his problems. Forms. Phone calls. He had various problems. He was skint. He was in pain. He had housing issues. He had debts piling up. It was like I was chasing my tail trying to sort his things. Often he wouldn't make phone calls he needed to make and I'd just be so fed up. I was getting distracted from my kids and struggling to keep up. My own house was going downhill. He'd always need me for something. So if I went home at 7am to care for my children and focus on my home he'd be needing me every 5 minutes.
I was bullied about my phone use. I was put down. I was tormented and triangulated for months and he would then give me some fake attention. He'd Cook us dinner. He'd tell me he loved me. But all intimacy had stopped. I knew that it wasn't right. He claimed we couldn't have full sex because of his back. Which I do believe. His back was swollen. But it just felt like he had no interest in me. Physical contact was rare. But even the nice texts stopped. I never woke up to anything nice anymore like I used to. I felt so lonely.
March seemed a good month in terms of arguing. We seemed at peace. We had stopped arguing. But his phone use changed. I knew he was talking to someone else. I caught him out lying one morning he pretended to be texting his male cousin. I knew he wasn't as the cousin told me the next day he hadn't heard from him. He suddenly began saying I'll ring you in a minute then he'd not bother. This happened 4 times in one week. I was handing him money over then he'd treat me like I wasn't important. I eventually went through his phone and found messages to his ex which I have explained in other posts. We didn't recover from that. I believe he was possibly talking to someone else too but I didn't look any further as the exes messages were enough for me to leave.
he had £500 in the last months and owed me more. He had stuff on my shopping accounts and he promised to pay and never did.
as I've wrote before his belongings were left at mine as he was worried the bailiffs would go round. So his sentimental items and legal documents were left at mine. He purposely ignored all my emails over 3 months. He sent me one arranging to pay me and the money never turned up. He then continued to ghost my emails. I have tried to communicate to him through 2 family members. They failed to get him to listen. But eventually one fell out with him. The other turned onto his side. Because he fed her lies. He told her I stole £300 from his side when I left. He also told her I was obsessed and so jealous over his ex and stalked her. He also told her I couldn't accept he didn't want me so I kept paying him money.
I eventually sent all his stuff to his cousin in a box this week. She was demanding his passport was sent and told me he had been told not to contact me and to have someone else collect his things. As soon as he heard I had sent all his stuff across including the passport he turns in an email. Told me he's reporting me for stealing the passport. He then writes in the email I'm a joke. He said that I chased him around his house telling him to hit me and insists I stole his money. He said I stalk his ex. Message women asking if he's had sex with them. Allsorts.
My Friend who's his neighbour took 3 photos of him outside her house with another woman 3 weeks ago. This woman was holding his dog and then another neighbour messaged me and said they are definitely together she's been coming over all weekend in her car. When my exes cousin was arguing with me about his stuff I said look now he's with someone else I don't want it here. She said my friend was lying to me so I showed her the photos and she sent them to him. He then reported me for harrasment. On the screen shot I sent there was a camera roll at the bottom and there was 2 photos of my exes ex profile photo on it. That was my friend trying to work out if he was walking with his ex. I know this was silly, I was gutted she sent the photos because it just upset me. But because of the exes photo being on the camera roll his cousin now is saying I keep a camera roll on his ex on my phone.
I have arranged to speak to the police Sunday but I think perhaps I should cancel it if I can. I kind of feel that he will be very clever and able to turn it around onto me. Ive read this morning online that these men always spin it and get the police believing allsorts. They will twist and lie. So I feel that by reporting him it will come back badly on me. I'm just fed up of it. He's stolen my money. He's lied about me stealing his. He has used my my Netflix and prime account for weeks after we split. He has still got my tablet at his and wont respond about it. He has lied about me chasing him. Lied about me being obsessed with his ex. I did speak to 3 women about him and woman number one still talks to me after 18 months. She told me he wrecked her life. Woman number 2 confirmed they met on tinder and met a few times and had sex and she slept at his. Woman number 3 was his brothers ex. She had turned bright red once when we walked past and deleted him off Facebook. So after we split I asked her why she reacted that way and she told me for years he'd been trying to get with her and he asked her to the cinema after we split. He used to tell me he wouldn't go near her. That's how sick he is!
So on reading this should I cancel Sunday? I just can't handle his games.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,556
I wouldn't do a thing. Are the police coming to you and warning you to stay away? The less you do, the more it looks like you're the one moving on and he's the one with the problem.
I would just keep the documentation of his actions. Until the police come to you and warn you you're doing something wrong, you're okay. You know, he may be bluffing. What can he say to the police? what proof would he provide? Emails where you've written him asking how to send his things back, that's what he's got. You've got nothing to report. He's mean, he lies, he treated you terribly. He hasn't broken the law. In a way, reporting all this *can* be viewed as an attempt to stay engaged with him. The police simply don't arrest people for ending relationships - even if they are unkind in the way they do it.
I would just keep the documentation of his actions. Until the police come to you and warn you you're doing something wrong, you're okay. You know, he may be bluffing. What can he say to the police? what proof would he provide? Emails where you've written him asking how to send his things back, that's what he's got. You've got nothing to report. He's mean, he lies, he treated you terribly. He hasn't broken the law. In a way, reporting all this *can* be viewed as an attempt to stay engaged with him. The police simply don't arrest people for ending relationships - even if they are unkind in the way they do it.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm not certain there is anything the police can do to be helpful to you at this point in time: he's gone from your life (as long as you choose to continue to stay no contact), you've sent his belongings on; he behaved atrociously but a lot of that isn't explicitly against the law. Personally, I would only complete the police report if you needed a restraining order because your or your children's safety is in danger. As it isn't, as velma mentioned, the police might take this as you attempting to continue your involvement. And it might result in more involvement for you if you have to make continued statements or go to court or whatever.
For your own peace of mind, perhaps let the appointment go?
As far as the money, I think that's long gone and I can't see that being returned to you. I learnt a lesson a while ago: if you need the money to be returned to you, or you can't afford to give it away as a gift, then don't lend it in the first place. As far as the tablet, if you can let it go and replace it, that might be easier for your healing and mental well - being than attempting to get it back. If you don't have documentation and / or witnesses proving it is yours and that you did not gift it to him, I can't see great odds that you'll be able to get it back.
Letting go of the awful stuff that's happened to us perpetrated by our qualifiers is a difficult thing to do in our healing from these traumas . . . keep posting here, write these things and burn them, find an in - person support group, find a therapist, start an exercise program, take walks outside -- all good ways to continue to let go of what has happened to you.
For your own peace of mind, perhaps let the appointment go?
As far as the money, I think that's long gone and I can't see that being returned to you. I learnt a lesson a while ago: if you need the money to be returned to you, or you can't afford to give it away as a gift, then don't lend it in the first place. As far as the tablet, if you can let it go and replace it, that might be easier for your healing and mental well - being than attempting to get it back. If you don't have documentation and / or witnesses proving it is yours and that you did not gift it to him, I can't see great odds that you'll be able to get it back.
Letting go of the awful stuff that's happened to us perpetrated by our qualifiers is a difficult thing to do in our healing from these traumas . . . keep posting here, write these things and burn them, find an in - person support group, find a therapist, start an exercise program, take walks outside -- all good ways to continue to let go of what has happened to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
I would also leave it, you've given him his stuff back, as requested, you have the documentation for it - that's done.
I understand that you are still scared. He's treated you horribly and that's scary stuff! As time goes on you will feel this less and less by reasserting yourself, by believing that he is gone and can't harm you anymore. You are going to be ok, it's early days yet and this does take time.
I understand that you are still scared. He's treated you horribly and that's scary stuff! As time goes on you will feel this less and less by reasserting yourself, by believing that he is gone and can't harm you anymore. You are going to be ok, it's early days yet and this does take time.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
If you're required to go, perhaps keep to the high road? Just leave it that you've sent his belongings, you've blocked on social media and gone no contact, and that you want to move on? Perhaps they'll see you're attempting to be reasonable and nonconfrontational and they'll close the case?
If they want to know why you set the appointment, didn't you set it before you were able to send the belongings? Now that that is done, you have no further need to contact or communicate.
If they want to know why you set the appointment, didn't you set it before you were able to send the belongings? Now that that is done, you have no further need to contact or communicate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Hello I contacted them Tuesday when he emailed me aload of abuse saying he was reporting me for theft and he made some false allegations against me. Yeah I was told i could say I didn't wish for any action to be taken. He did receieve his property on Tuesday.
I am so torn as he really is abusive. I dont believe I am the only person around him that feels that way. He needs some serious therapy to change who he is. But at the same time I feel sorry him. He already has a rubbish life and has lost alot.
I'll explain to themthe was beginning to threaten me with the law and I'd had enough. He may stay quiet now he has his stuff.
I am so torn as he really is abusive. I dont believe I am the only person around him that feels that way. He needs some serious therapy to change who he is. But at the same time I feel sorry him. He already has a rubbish life and has lost alot.
I'll explain to themthe was beginning to threaten me with the law and I'd had enough. He may stay quiet now he has his stuff.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I feel like the best move you could make at this point is to completely disengage. Block him and everyone in his circle on all fronts - phone, text, email, social media. You have a lot of healing to do, and you won't be able to do that if you allow him or them to communicate or contact you.
Block them ALL and let yourself heal.
Block them ALL and let yourself heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Thank you police didn't care or even read my statement. What a waste of time. The police station was on his street where he lived during our relationship. It's the first time I've been back that way since we split and seeing all the places we spent so much time hurt. I've woken up today sad and stuck again. Nostalgia is stuck in my head. I can't get over him. I hate how I feel. I know how awful he is. Yet my hearts aching for him to talk to me. I think he's moved away anyway I have no idea where he is. Which hurts even more. I dont want the relationship back. Its just this month is our anniversary of us finally getting together. A year ago our official relationship was starting and I had so much hope in my heart.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It's like ripping the scab off -- that's why no contact helps so much.
I'm really hoping that was the last contact and you're able to close this door for good.
Can you do nurturing and kind things for yourself today? It's ok to grieve and feel sadness at this ending; please also remember all the healing you've done to get to where you are this morning.
I'm really hoping that was the last contact and you're able to close this door for good.
Can you do nurturing and kind things for yourself today? It's ok to grieve and feel sadness at this ending; please also remember all the healing you've done to get to where you are this morning.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,556
Awww. I'm sorry. It stinks.
I would establish a new email for all your friends and family, and de-activate/delete the account he used to contact you. That way, if/when he tries to contact you again, it's clear to him you've moved on.
I had a separate email I used specifically to communicate with a guy I dated. He spent the winter in Florida, I knew he was due to come back, but he'd suddenly ghosted on me. I deleted the email account, then I took the thing he gave me for Christmas outside, set it on a rock, and destroyed it with a hammer. I'm petty like that.
I would establish a new email for all your friends and family, and de-activate/delete the account he used to contact you. That way, if/when he tries to contact you again, it's clear to him you've moved on.
I had a separate email I used specifically to communicate with a guy I dated. He spent the winter in Florida, I knew he was due to come back, but he'd suddenly ghosted on me. I deleted the email account, then I took the thing he gave me for Christmas outside, set it on a rock, and destroyed it with a hammer. I'm petty like that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
I'm sorry straw, not a good experience. Perhaps the only solace you can take from it is that the report is now on file, should he ever act up again (with you or someone else).
Yes, please be kind to yourself today. Remember when you start to get nostalgic to pull out that list of all the horrible things he has done.
What you are grieving is what he used to be, but is no more, that's really tough.
Yes, please be kind to yourself today. Remember when you start to get nostalgic to pull out that list of all the horrible things he has done.
What you are grieving is what he used to be, but is no more, that's really tough.
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