Juliedancer

I finally began reading Codependency No More. I had a misunderstanding about the word codependency... Mostly thought when people said someone was codependent it meant that they actually sought out troubled or alcoholic partners to be with, or that they thrived on the drama they got with someone who had problems. I would never intentionally look for someone like that, so it felt insulting to me to think of it that way. But I am partway through the book and am realizing it means many different things (& could mean those things too)....but in many cases it's just the damage and reactive ways a person has coped with being a partner with someone who is an alcoholic. And it's often because we love and care very much for someone, to love and care and worry is not a flaw to be ashamed of or a negative trait. But learning to walk away from someone who can't receive your kindness or return it back to you is the hardest part. And I am now trying to learn why that is so hard for me. I know many women who can easily walk away and would have easily left long before I did...for instance after the first time he said he was on the way to my house and then didn't show up for 4 hours and had his phone turned off during that time. Instead of leaving then, I thought of his "good" attributes of our great connection when together, his loving cuddling and caresses, his praise of me, etc etc. I have had so many relationships fail (& really just in normal ways....no one else was an addict in the past relationships) I want that companionship so strongly I think I put up with disrespectful treatment because the alternative is being alone. Can a person really be happy being single forever? That is my fear I think. It's easy if it's SO bad, but often I see that, like my previous alcoholic boyfriend, others here on this site experience the same thing. The person does have great qualities and actions at times, we have "connections" with them that are strong and heartfelt. But then it comes along with unpredictability, drama, unreliability, money problems etc etc and we are left with "where's that guy who was so loving?" We keep wanting that person back. It's like a tease, a carrot on a stick that you only got a taste of and now you can't reach it.

I just began the book and I am going to start over with a notebook ready to do some journaling to discover myself and hopefully become stronger to be able to stand up for myself and also feel happy enough with being with only me. And somehow I need to not grasp on to the good stuff with someone if the bad stuff is really unhealthy for me. Why does it feel like I won't ever get to have a love with someone that is healthy and happy? I guess because I'm 59 years old and I've had so many relationships that don't last more than 2 years. I was successful in business, confident, have many girl friends. But when it comes to men and a live in my life? Nope. This last relationship where he ended up being an alcoholic makes me ask "can I just be happy without any lover in my life?" I really don't want that.

Any added advice on this trait of grasping on to the glimmers of kindness we see in someone that we put up with a situation that brings all kinds of drama and stress with them because they are an addict? Sometimes I think I just need to be able to have mind/logic over emotions. The emotions can be so strong....
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dandylion

Julie........you will find soo many definitions of co-dependency. The best one that I have found is this one: "Co-dependency is less about the relationshipwith the other person, than it is the LACK of relationship with the Self.
That one, seems, to me, to go to the actual core of the thing.

When the Self has never been allowed to fully develp-----there can be a lack of inner self esteem and confidence.
That can be a crippling handicap to have, especially, in the arena of intimate elationships. It can render a person willing to live and rejoice on mear crumbs.
It can give rise to the fear that being "alone" would be the same as total obliteration.
I would venture the statement that these issues of "lack of relationship with the self" has origin, most of the time, in the growing -up years with one's origional caretakers.

Don't despair---you have more time than you think...lol.
I remember, that, at one time, I had a volunteer person come to help me in my office (I was the medical co-ordinator of an alcoholism program for a large health maintenence organization, at the time). Her name was Anna and she was a retired teacher and her husband has passed a few years, prior. She was a lovely person and she was 80 years old.
A couple of years later, Anna was getting tired of taking care of a large house, and decided to go into one of those Senior Living Apartment buildings.
There, she met a nice, charming gentleman and they got married. She was just as happy and excited as any younger bride that I have ever seen!
I moved away, and lost track of Anna...but, she and her new partner seemed to be living quite happily.

sage1969

Part of the way I have seen codependency develop in my life was as a response to a very insecure and lonely childhood as a child of an alcoholic and a codependent, in long family lines of the same. I think I grasped onto glimmers of kindness to find ways to feel the emptiness, so yes to what dandylion said about our childhood development defining our codependency.

I don't think it's a prerequisite to grow up in a family with substance abuse or domestic violence, though my FOO had both; I think any child growing up with one or more caregivers that are emotionally unavailable becomes susceptible to "people pleasing" to get their needs met.
I don't think you should settle for anything you don't want.

I have found that as I've done work on myself I'm no longer attracted to "broken" people who "need help" or "fixing." I've been able to let go of friendships and relationships that really caused stress and my broken boundaries. As I've forgiven myself and moved out of all the past, my anxiety has decreased, I live more in the present with my daily blessings, and I've attracted new friends that are more like what I'd like my life to be. I seem to no longer have that neon flashing light on my forehead attracting the narcissists and addicts; in fact, those types seem to stay away from me now, I don't seem to be attractive to them anymore. And I have met guys in this new place in which I find myself, some that aren't quite right (for healthy reasons, not addictions), and one special person that would not have worked out when I was in that unhealthy place, but now who respects my boundaries and seems to really like me just for who I am now.

As a widow with children, and not much different age as you, I have felt what you are feeling, that I didn't want to spend my life alone. The universe sends us more of what we create for ourselves. When you reach peace and acceptance with yourself, your life will fall into place around you.

Juliedancer

Thank you each for your input. For some reason today has been a harder day for me, feeling a little down. Hoping to start tomorrow off with a walk... maybe that will help

Seren

Codependency is a complicated set of learned behaviors. Not one-size-fits-all. And I agree that there is a stigma with the label (all labels really). I'm glad you are getting something out of the book!