Need Some Support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 2
Need Some Support
Hello everyone, I'm new here and never thought I'd post about my personal life online but here it goes. My husband and I have been together nine years and married for almost 4. All but 2 of them he's been an active drinker. He's already had a DUI and now that we have a child, I worry even more. He tells me that our lack of intimacy is what is ruining our relationship, but he constantly makes snide jokes regarding our lack of intimacy that hurts my confidence even more. Tonight he went for drinks after last week he agreed he'd stop going out, and says I act like everything revolves around me. He says he doesn't know how much longer this marriage will last, he's thinking of going and looking at a house we were considering buying by himself (i.e. he'd buy it but not with me), and when I try to talk about my feelings he says it's turning into a bitch fest and he can't deal with it. Things I know I've said to him before, he is adamant I never said, meanwhile things I know he didn't tell me he swears he did. I feel like I'm going crazy! If he decides he wants a divorce what will happen to my child? I just need to hear from someone else who has a similar experience to know I'm not losing it, because at the moment I can't calm myself down. Everytime he leaves the house I'm afraid he's going to drink and drive and either wind up in jail, or hit someone and be sued in which case I'd be sued since the insurance policy is mine.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Iso, glad you are reaching out and sharing about your situation.
I hear your anxiety and panic. Can you take some time to breathe and calm yourself a little. Your nervous system will be highly activated which means you cannot think clearly. I have been through that. Deep breathing really helps. Slow in, hold, slow out, wait. Then repeat. There are lots of info on this on You Tube. Really helps.
Once a little calmer, perhaps consider that you and your child would be better off without a person who treats you both so appallingly.
Have a read around and you will see that the behaviours he is using are very typical of an alcoholic.
He is blaming you, deflecting his bad behaviours at you, making false promises, gaslighting (him lying that you haven't said certain things to hm), the list goes on and on. Read around and take comfort from seeing this is about him protecting his "right" to drink and do what he wants.
I really hear you, this was how it felt for me too. The absolute fear our body generates from being around people like this.
I hear your anxiety and panic. Can you take some time to breathe and calm yourself a little. Your nervous system will be highly activated which means you cannot think clearly. I have been through that. Deep breathing really helps. Slow in, hold, slow out, wait. Then repeat. There are lots of info on this on You Tube. Really helps.
Once a little calmer, perhaps consider that you and your child would be better off without a person who treats you both so appallingly.
Have a read around and you will see that the behaviours he is using are very typical of an alcoholic.
He is blaming you, deflecting his bad behaviours at you, making false promises, gaslighting (him lying that you haven't said certain things to hm), the list goes on and on. Read around and take comfort from seeing this is about him protecting his "right" to drink and do what he wants.
I really hear you, this was how it felt for me too. The absolute fear our body generates from being around people like this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello iso and welcome. Sorry for what brings you here. The main thing to remember is you cannot make him change. The only thing you can do is change your reactions to his behaviour. I remember lying awake worrying if my then husband would make it home in the car. I did that for years.
read around the forum. You will see that his behaviour is text book alcoholic. Many of us here have dealt with this and reading other people's stories will 1. Show you you are not crazy and 2. Give you lots of ideas on how to proceed
Put you and your child first. Try to look for practical solutions as much as you can (like getting the car insurance out of your name)
And please take support from anywhere you can get it. Are you attending al-anon?
read around the forum. You will see that his behaviour is text book alcoholic. Many of us here have dealt with this and reading other people's stories will 1. Show you you are not crazy and 2. Give you lots of ideas on how to proceed
Put you and your child first. Try to look for practical solutions as much as you can (like getting the car insurance out of your name)
And please take support from anywhere you can get it. Are you attending al-anon?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi Iso, so sorry you are in this hurtful situation.
First things first - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
An no! You are not crazy.
When people drink way too much they can "black out" - ie: they can appear normal to you or me but their brain isn't actually recording what they are doing, so they have no memory of it. This can be really common for people who drink huge amounts (he probably drinks more than you know).
He may well be experiencing that and trying to cover by making up things, or trying to guess what happened or what he said. Alternately he's just writing his own story as he goes along (google gaslighting).
Either way, it doesn't make you crazy (although being around the crazy for too long sure will have you questioning your sanity).
I would really recommend a couple of things. First you really should get a consultation with a lawyer, to find out where you stand. I don't know if you live in a common property state/province. What that means is regardless of whether he buys that property without you, you will still be entitled to half of it if you divorce. Anyway, very important to talk about all that with the lawyer and also custody/visitation. No matter what you decide to do or if you are unsure, having that knowledge will make you feel more secure.
Do you only have one vehicle? Is it possible you could get the insurance in his name.
Second, I hope you will read around the forum, there are many stories here from people who have experienced what you are experiencing and you will find that reassuring in some way, you aren't alone.
First things first - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
An no! You are not crazy.
When people drink way too much they can "black out" - ie: they can appear normal to you or me but their brain isn't actually recording what they are doing, so they have no memory of it. This can be really common for people who drink huge amounts (he probably drinks more than you know).
He may well be experiencing that and trying to cover by making up things, or trying to guess what happened or what he said. Alternately he's just writing his own story as he goes along (google gaslighting).
Either way, it doesn't make you crazy (although being around the crazy for too long sure will have you questioning your sanity).
I would really recommend a couple of things. First you really should get a consultation with a lawyer, to find out where you stand. I don't know if you live in a common property state/province. What that means is regardless of whether he buys that property without you, you will still be entitled to half of it if you divorce. Anyway, very important to talk about all that with the lawyer and also custody/visitation. No matter what you decide to do or if you are unsure, having that knowledge will make you feel more secure.
Do you only have one vehicle? Is it possible you could get the insurance in his name.
Second, I hope you will read around the forum, there are many stories here from people who have experienced what you are experiencing and you will find that reassuring in some way, you aren't alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Iso......Welcome to the forum! If you stick around, you will find that so many members have walked in your shoes in one way or another.
We speak of the 3 Cs, when it comes to the alcoholism.....
You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it.
You can try everything in the world and even tie yourself into a pretzel....and, it won't stop him from drinking as long as he WANTS to.
You are certainly NOT going crazy! The things that your husband is doing is very, very common in alcoholics. It soumds like he is spiraling pretty far into his alcoholic disease and is trying very hard to protect his ability to drink with freedom.
Alcoholism is progressive---which means that it grows worse as time goes by. The only way for it to be arrested is total abstainence--meaning that he cannot ever have another drink for the rest of his life. A person almost always needs help from a program in order to do that
What you are going through is just too hard to face without a lot of real life support----especially with a young child or baby
I suggest that you will benefit from two things----
1. Detach from doing "battle" with him....
2. Taking some specific actions to protect yourself and your child....
About No. 1.
Arguing with him will only make it worse, most of the time---and totally wear you out!
The lack oof intimacy is NOT the reason that he drinks. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. Most all couples experience a decrease in physical intimacy after the birth of a baby---even the happiest of couples.
Accusing you is mean and cruel. He may be ignorant of what early parenthood entails---and, he may be a bit immature?---but, in any case, it undermines your confidence and takes the attention off of his frinking. Stop blaming yourself
Around here, we say not to JADE---in order to avoid the exhausting arguments---arguments that you can never "win".
J....justify yourself
A. Argue back
D. Defend yourself
E. Explain yourself
About No. 2....
I suggest that the only thing that will actually help yourself to get back on balance is to stop arguing and taking actual ACTIONS.
Taking action will help you to get your own power back---and, that, alone, will help you to "settle down" and, to feel better.
I suggest the folowing actions, at minimum.
a. Get yourself to an alanon meeting. You can google to find the meetings in your area.
b. Visit a lawyer to find out all of your rights and how to proceed.
c. Get yourself a personal counselor and tell your doctor how much strain that you are under.
d. Take your name off of the car insurance.
e. Get a copy of the most recommended book on this forum----"Co-deoendent No Moore"....I think it will really resonate with you. It is an easy read.
I am giving you the following link to a website that can help you before you see your lawyer----It can help you to organize your thoughts and hep you to know what questions to ask.
It is listed by state.
www.womansdivorce.com
We speak of the 3 Cs, when it comes to the alcoholism.....
You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it.
You can try everything in the world and even tie yourself into a pretzel....and, it won't stop him from drinking as long as he WANTS to.
You are certainly NOT going crazy! The things that your husband is doing is very, very common in alcoholics. It soumds like he is spiraling pretty far into his alcoholic disease and is trying very hard to protect his ability to drink with freedom.
Alcoholism is progressive---which means that it grows worse as time goes by. The only way for it to be arrested is total abstainence--meaning that he cannot ever have another drink for the rest of his life. A person almost always needs help from a program in order to do that
What you are going through is just too hard to face without a lot of real life support----especially with a young child or baby
I suggest that you will benefit from two things----
1. Detach from doing "battle" with him....
2. Taking some specific actions to protect yourself and your child....
About No. 1.
Arguing with him will only make it worse, most of the time---and totally wear you out!
The lack oof intimacy is NOT the reason that he drinks. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. Most all couples experience a decrease in physical intimacy after the birth of a baby---even the happiest of couples.
Accusing you is mean and cruel. He may be ignorant of what early parenthood entails---and, he may be a bit immature?---but, in any case, it undermines your confidence and takes the attention off of his frinking. Stop blaming yourself
Around here, we say not to JADE---in order to avoid the exhausting arguments---arguments that you can never "win".
J....justify yourself
A. Argue back
D. Defend yourself
E. Explain yourself
About No. 2....
I suggest that the only thing that will actually help yourself to get back on balance is to stop arguing and taking actual ACTIONS.
Taking action will help you to get your own power back---and, that, alone, will help you to "settle down" and, to feel better.
I suggest the folowing actions, at minimum.
a. Get yourself to an alanon meeting. You can google to find the meetings in your area.
b. Visit a lawyer to find out all of your rights and how to proceed.
c. Get yourself a personal counselor and tell your doctor how much strain that you are under.
d. Take your name off of the car insurance.
e. Get a copy of the most recommended book on this forum----"Co-deoendent No Moore"....I think it will really resonate with you. It is an easy read.
I am giving you the following link to a website that can help you before you see your lawyer----It can help you to organize your thoughts and hep you to know what questions to ask.
It is listed by state.
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was a hostage to someone who verbally abused me so I know how devastating the lack of respect is. What got me through that dark period was Alanon, a program for co-dependants, and the warm support and understanding I found there. You deserve much, much better than this. A big hug.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi Iso. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I lived in that kind of chaos for a long time. My (ex)husband did and said similar things to me. It was done on purpose, to keep me off balance, upset and scared.. to prevent me from saying things he didn't want to hear ( for the umpteenth time) and to keep me from taking any actions that would "rock his boat". He was happy with things just the way they were and I was starting to threaten that way of life, his alcoholic demons didn't like that. It made me the "enemy" to be thwarted. He wanted to be able to just keep drinking (which included drunk driving for him, and all the dozens of different fears I lived with because of it) and have me just calm down and be OK with it because I always knew he was a drinker, why did I have to be a witch about it now?"
After a few years of his alcoholism getting worse, and my codependency right along side it, I developed a serious anxiety disorder, having several anxiety/panic attacks a day and having anxiety induced insomnia. If I did sleep I had awful nightmares. He got a DUI and lost his DL, I was the only driver in the home. I got injured at work and had to be off work for months with severe shoulder pain. My dad was also drinking himself to his death. At the time we had teenage children... my life was a living hell. The fear, the fury, the frustration... it consumed me. I ended up having to be medicated, which I hated, but it got to the point I couldn't function due to the anxiety attacks so I had no choice. BUT...actually I did have a choice, I just didn't think I did, because I didn't like it. The day I finally had the strength to move into my own place was the last day I ever had to take that medication. My anxiety went away almost immediately when I got away from living that way.
You are not crazy. I don't doubt you sometimes feel like you are losing it, I sure as heck did. Living in that kind of dysfunction will make anyone feel off balance and out of whack... even fragile. It's awful.
Besides being here at SRF&F, the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was an integral part of getting me rolling on fixing my own life, I'd wasted years trying in vain to fix him. I had to learn the hardest of ways that there is no amount of Love that can fix another person. They have to want to fix themselves. I decided to spend that energy on myself and then my life slowly began to improve.
Deep breaths friend, lots and lots of deep breaths.
You are not crazy.
Be gentle with yourself.
Drink lots of water.
You are among friends here who truly do understand.
*hugs*
After a few years of his alcoholism getting worse, and my codependency right along side it, I developed a serious anxiety disorder, having several anxiety/panic attacks a day and having anxiety induced insomnia. If I did sleep I had awful nightmares. He got a DUI and lost his DL, I was the only driver in the home. I got injured at work and had to be off work for months with severe shoulder pain. My dad was also drinking himself to his death. At the time we had teenage children... my life was a living hell. The fear, the fury, the frustration... it consumed me. I ended up having to be medicated, which I hated, but it got to the point I couldn't function due to the anxiety attacks so I had no choice. BUT...actually I did have a choice, I just didn't think I did, because I didn't like it. The day I finally had the strength to move into my own place was the last day I ever had to take that medication. My anxiety went away almost immediately when I got away from living that way.
You are not crazy. I don't doubt you sometimes feel like you are losing it, I sure as heck did. Living in that kind of dysfunction will make anyone feel off balance and out of whack... even fragile. It's awful.
Besides being here at SRF&F, the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was an integral part of getting me rolling on fixing my own life, I'd wasted years trying in vain to fix him. I had to learn the hardest of ways that there is no amount of Love that can fix another person. They have to want to fix themselves. I decided to spend that energy on myself and then my life slowly began to improve.
Deep breaths friend, lots and lots of deep breaths.
You are not crazy.
Be gentle with yourself.
Drink lots of water.
You are among friends here who truly do understand.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,937
Hello Iso589,
Welcome and hope you start to feel less isolated now that you've found this merry band of fellow travelers on the road to sanity!
Collectively we've seen it all here on SR so glad you found us. As you read threads in this F&F forum you'll realize how similar the dynamic is for everyone who loves or is in relationship with an alcoholic. You're not alone, and no you are not crazy.
Peace & (((((((hugs)))))))
B
Welcome and hope you start to feel less isolated now that you've found this merry band of fellow travelers on the road to sanity!
Collectively we've seen it all here on SR so glad you found us. As you read threads in this F&F forum you'll realize how similar the dynamic is for everyone who loves or is in relationship with an alcoholic. You're not alone, and no you are not crazy.
Peace & (((((((hugs)))))))
B
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
ISO, I am sorry for what brings your here.
To be honest, the picture that springs to mind about your husband is that of a drunken king. Others are subjects that he believes are sent to serve him.
I hope you continue to post here. We are here to help and support you.
To be honest, the picture that springs to mind about your husband is that of a drunken king. Others are subjects that he believes are sent to serve him.
I hope you continue to post here. We are here to help and support you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 2
Still here
Hey everyone! Thank you for your kinds words and sharing your own stories. I'm hanging in there. Apparently the next day he didn't remember any of it, so he was black out drunk. He says he wants to get sober, but already twice since then he's wanted to go out. Granted the one time he did, he didn't drink too much and came home, it still is a constant point of anxiety for me. He asked me to go to meetings with him for support, but hasn't pulled any up and asked to go since he mentioned it. He has been sober before and I'm trying not to lose hope that we can get there again. I don't want to live on the roller coaster that is an alcoholic relationship and certainly can't afford to with my child in mind. Any suggestions of healthy habits he could use outside meetings that I could give him would be greatly appreciated! Here's hoping this is a serious want to change and maybe we'll be back on the road to recovery and stay there this time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi Iso. You know, there is really no "suggestion" you can make that he probably hasn't already thought of? If he ate healthy, went for walks or other exercise, kept a regular sleep time table - all the things a person would normally do to feel good. I'm sure he knows all about those things though.
His recovery, if he decides to quit, is really up to him. If you could cure him, he would already be sober, you know? Of the nine years you have been together, he has been drinking in all but two. So having you there is not making a difference (and this is not surprising). Sobriety and recovery is something he has to do, for himself.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
So far all he has done is excused his horrible behaviour (because he drank too much) and mentioned meetings which he never followed up on. And he's been out drinking. You know being in black out doesn't mean he becomes another person, it just means the brain isn't recording what he's doing.
Actions, not words. I know you want to have hope and I'm not saying you shouldn't, however, maybe balance that with a lowering your expectations? You are the one getting hurt here, you need to take care of yourself, not him. So far nothing has changed.
SBM mentioned in a post above about the book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I think if you read it you would actually start to feel better. It discusses boundaries and relationships and it's an easy read, but worthwhile. Focusing on what you can do for yourself (not him) is key.
His recovery, if he decides to quit, is really up to him. If you could cure him, he would already be sober, you know? Of the nine years you have been together, he has been drinking in all but two. So having you there is not making a difference (and this is not surprising). Sobriety and recovery is something he has to do, for himself.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
So far all he has done is excused his horrible behaviour (because he drank too much) and mentioned meetings which he never followed up on. And he's been out drinking. You know being in black out doesn't mean he becomes another person, it just means the brain isn't recording what he's doing.
Actions, not words. I know you want to have hope and I'm not saying you shouldn't, however, maybe balance that with a lowering your expectations? You are the one getting hurt here, you need to take care of yourself, not him. So far nothing has changed.
SBM mentioned in a post above about the book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I think if you read it you would actually start to feel better. It discusses boundaries and relationships and it's an easy read, but worthwhile. Focusing on what you can do for yourself (not him) is key.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Iso589 
Hello everyone, I'm new here and never thought I'd post about my personal life online but here it goes. My husband and I have been together nine years and married for almost 4. All but 2 of them he's been an active drinker. He's already had a DUI and now that we have a child, I worry even more. He tells me that our lack of intimacy is what is ruining our relationship, but he constantly makes snide jokes regarding our lack of intimacy that hurts my confidence even more. Tonight he went for drinks after last week he agreed he'd stop going out, and says I act like everything revolves around me. He says he doesn't know how much longer this marriage will last, he's thinking of going and looking at a house we were considering buying by himself (i.e. he'd buy it but not with me), and when I try to talk about my feelings he says it's turning into a bitch fest and he can't deal with it. Things I know I've said to him before, he is adamant I never said, meanwhile things I know he didn't tell me he swears he did. I feel like I'm going crazy! If he decides he wants a divorce what will happen to my child? I just need to hear from someone else who has a similar experience to know I'm not losing it, because at the moment I can't calm myself down. Everytime he leaves the house I'm afraid he's going to drink and drive and either wind up in jail, or hit someone and be sued in which case I'd be sued since the insurance policy is mine.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Iso....honestly, he doesn't sound like someone who has a strong desire to quit frinking forever----and a williness to do the hard work that it takes.
It is hard work for an alcoholic to give up the drink for the rest of their lives----it takes a strong strong desire to get sober. He will have to want it more than anything else in his life.
It sounds like he is making gesures toward half-measures-----in an attempt to get you off of his back.
Iso----if you don't want to live the 'roller coaster" relationshiop, as you have said----you are really going to need to focus on yourself and getting the kind of sef-education and support that will orotect you and your child.
You have been given many suggestions for how to help yourself, by others who have been in your same shoes. From those with experience.
I hope that you will condsider those suggestions.
I certainly hope that you read "Co-dependent No More", for example.
I know that you have been living on hope. I know that we all hope for the best---but, it takes more than hope.
Remember that "hope is not a plan" .
It is hard work for an alcoholic to give up the drink for the rest of their lives----it takes a strong strong desire to get sober. He will have to want it more than anything else in his life.
It sounds like he is making gesures toward half-measures-----in an attempt to get you off of his back.
Iso----if you don't want to live the 'roller coaster" relationshiop, as you have said----you are really going to need to focus on yourself and getting the kind of sef-education and support that will orotect you and your child.
You have been given many suggestions for how to help yourself, by others who have been in your same shoes. From those with experience.
I hope that you will condsider those suggestions.
I certainly hope that you read "Co-dependent No More", for example.
I know that you have been living on hope. I know that we all hope for the best---but, it takes more than hope.
Remember that "hope is not a plan" .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 46
Sorry for your situation. I was there too with a child. After many failed attempts to get my ex to get help I had to come to the painful realization that he was not going to, that he was deep in his addiction and that this would be my reality for the next 30 plus years. It is so unfair and so heartbreaking to be there. It’s not where you thought your life would go but here you are. Thankfully we have the choice to leave a bad, abusive marriage. Haven’t you given all you have? What has he given back?
Think of your child. By staying, you are showing them the blueprint for their future, what is acceptable. You can be the hero in your child’s life. Children need a stable, safe environment and just one loving adult. This is you.
Think of your child. By staying, you are showing them the blueprint for their future, what is acceptable. You can be the hero in your child’s life. Children need a stable, safe environment and just one loving adult. This is you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Don't take it personal and your priorities now are the child and yourself.
An active drinker with a dui. Nope. Until he/alcoholic wants to sober up/stop drinking they wont.
Also making his unhappy marriage seem like your fault is his way of saying divorce me. Many alcoholics are narcissistic, selfish etc so they can do no wrong want everyone to think they did the right thing or always be seen in a positive light. So blaming someone else for a marriage they don't want to be in is better than they want out.
And again don't blame yourself. Alcoholics and addicts are or become outstanding actors so the drinking and/or issues probably go back further than you think.
Hang In There & Good Luck!
An active drinker with a dui. Nope. Until he/alcoholic wants to sober up/stop drinking they wont.
Also making his unhappy marriage seem like your fault is his way of saying divorce me. Many alcoholics are narcissistic, selfish etc so they can do no wrong want everyone to think they did the right thing or always be seen in a positive light. So blaming someone else for a marriage they don't want to be in is better than they want out.
And again don't blame yourself. Alcoholics and addicts are or become outstanding actors so the drinking and/or issues probably go back further than you think.
Hang In There & Good Luck!
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