I am feeling mostly okay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
I am feeling mostly okay.
My son graduated from high school this past Sunday. I am so proud of him. He has not spoken to my husband since he left 13 weeks ago. My husband has sent him two text messages in that time, both of which my son ignored with no response. We did not inform my husband of the graduation date and my son did not secure him a ticket. So he was not there.
It was surprisingly okay. Better than okay, really, it was great. The day before I was pretty upset, I could not stop crying. I just felt some kind of way, I don't know. I was writing in the graduation card and I got upset and angry. Angry that my ex-husband is dead (3 years now) and not here for our son, angry that the man who adopted him is an alcoholic and has let him down, and I just felt like it's unfair to my son that he only has me; angry that there would be no father figure there for him.
But all was well. We went out to dinner afterwards, which normally is stressful because with my husband we are all always walking on eggshells and he has something to say about how loud the kids are, or how they are eating their food, etc. But he wasn't there, so we laughed and talked and took photos and it was just really nice.
I do feel bad that I was only able to give my son $150 and a few small gifts, and I'm working overtime this week to make up for that, since I don't really have that to spare, but he was appreciative, as always, I don't think he was expecting anything at all.
Yesterday I got angry at my husband again for not being here when my daughter called me crying because she had gone for a walk and came across a bear. Which was incredibly scary for both of us. She is okay and did what we know to do (back away slowly). But that call terrified me and she was terrified. I got in my car and went to her and everything is fine but once I calmed down, I just became angry at my husband. I am still feeling angry about it today and I am not sure really what to do with this anger.
I want to call and scream at him like, "She could have been mauled to death by a bear and where were you!!!? Likely someplace drunk and high!!" Obviously I am not going to do that, it probably wouldn't make me feel better anyway.
Everything is still up in the air with the house, divorce is pending, my attorney needs more money - and I am frustrated. I would like for everything to be over with, I would like to move on with my life, however that might look. Am I selling the house? Will I be able to keep it? Will we have to move? Whatever needs to happen can't even happen until the divorce is final, which I'm told could be a year or more away. I don't like not knowing things, I don't like not having a real plan, I don't like the uncertainty. I feel like I'm in limbo.
But I am mostly okay. The kids are good, happy and healthy and safe. I know it has only been 13 weeks but I wish things (emotionally, physically, and legally) were being resolved faster, is all.
It was surprisingly okay. Better than okay, really, it was great. The day before I was pretty upset, I could not stop crying. I just felt some kind of way, I don't know. I was writing in the graduation card and I got upset and angry. Angry that my ex-husband is dead (3 years now) and not here for our son, angry that the man who adopted him is an alcoholic and has let him down, and I just felt like it's unfair to my son that he only has me; angry that there would be no father figure there for him.
But all was well. We went out to dinner afterwards, which normally is stressful because with my husband we are all always walking on eggshells and he has something to say about how loud the kids are, or how they are eating their food, etc. But he wasn't there, so we laughed and talked and took photos and it was just really nice.
I do feel bad that I was only able to give my son $150 and a few small gifts, and I'm working overtime this week to make up for that, since I don't really have that to spare, but he was appreciative, as always, I don't think he was expecting anything at all.
Yesterday I got angry at my husband again for not being here when my daughter called me crying because she had gone for a walk and came across a bear. Which was incredibly scary for both of us. She is okay and did what we know to do (back away slowly). But that call terrified me and she was terrified. I got in my car and went to her and everything is fine but once I calmed down, I just became angry at my husband. I am still feeling angry about it today and I am not sure really what to do with this anger.
I want to call and scream at him like, "She could have been mauled to death by a bear and where were you!!!? Likely someplace drunk and high!!" Obviously I am not going to do that, it probably wouldn't make me feel better anyway.
Everything is still up in the air with the house, divorce is pending, my attorney needs more money - and I am frustrated. I would like for everything to be over with, I would like to move on with my life, however that might look. Am I selling the house? Will I be able to keep it? Will we have to move? Whatever needs to happen can't even happen until the divorce is final, which I'm told could be a year or more away. I don't like not knowing things, I don't like not having a real plan, I don't like the uncertainty. I feel like I'm in limbo.
But I am mostly okay. The kids are good, happy and healthy and safe. I know it has only been 13 weeks but I wish things (emotionally, physically, and legally) were being resolved faster, is all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
Hi firecricket, I've been following your story and I want to tell you how brave and strong you are, it's inspiring to me and many others I imagine.
I understand your sad that your son or daughter "only" have you, but YOU are enough. But because they "only" have YOU, you are stronger for them, you are better for them, because you can focus on yourself and not your AH. They don't "only" have you, they have YOU and that's enough!
I want to tell a little story. My mom's dad died when she was little, I think 8 or 9, he was an alcoholic and died from it. She's 78 years old now. She still remembers him reeking of booze, stumbling in, and being drunk. That's all she remembers of him. She said to me a few weeks ago, "it's probably better he died, because he wasn't going to be a good Dad, and my Mom was all that I needed and when he died, we all found ways to be better."
I'm talking about your AH and him not being there is an example of addition by subtraction in a way. I'm not in any way talking about the death of your ex, please understand that. My mom's dad's alcoholism was ever present and was the driving force in the family, which it seems you can relate to. When he died, their entire direction changed for the better.
I'm learning that it's okay to be in limbo, that you don't need to figure everything out right now. Acknowledge that you're in this in-between place, and while uncomfortable, it will eventually all get sorted out.
I'm rambling but your story has touched me and I want you to know that we all support you in this journey.
I understand your sad that your son or daughter "only" have you, but YOU are enough. But because they "only" have YOU, you are stronger for them, you are better for them, because you can focus on yourself and not your AH. They don't "only" have you, they have YOU and that's enough!
I want to tell a little story. My mom's dad died when she was little, I think 8 or 9, he was an alcoholic and died from it. She's 78 years old now. She still remembers him reeking of booze, stumbling in, and being drunk. That's all she remembers of him. She said to me a few weeks ago, "it's probably better he died, because he wasn't going to be a good Dad, and my Mom was all that I needed and when he died, we all found ways to be better."
I'm talking about your AH and him not being there is an example of addition by subtraction in a way. I'm not in any way talking about the death of your ex, please understand that. My mom's dad's alcoholism was ever present and was the driving force in the family, which it seems you can relate to. When he died, their entire direction changed for the better.
I'm learning that it's okay to be in limbo, that you don't need to figure everything out right now. Acknowledge that you're in this in-between place, and while uncomfortable, it will eventually all get sorted out.
I'm rambling but your story has touched me and I want you to know that we all support you in this journey.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,937
Hi Firecricket,
Kudos on pulling off a fun celebration in spite of your turbulent feelings.
The counselor I saw for about a year after my divorce said something that always stayed with me: choose your challenge. Meaning - it was challenging to suddenly be responsible for everything, figuring out the finances, arranging the social life of the children, managing their health, dental care, and school activities as a single mom, AND figuring out who am I now? etc. But I had chosen that over the challenge of staying in a dysfunctional relationship.
Once I became a single mom and was facing all the challenges alone there was now the additional challenge of personal emotional management in relation to the kids. It had always been there, that responsibility, but my ex was a convenient distraction and a way for me to always see myself, in comparison to him, as relatively perfect LOL!
I had to start asking myself harder (more challenging) questions like, what lessons did I want to impart to my children by my behavior? Was I going to be a bitter person blaming all my bad moods and our difficult situations on my divorce or my ex? Was I still going to let my ex dominate the mood of my house even though I had purposely freed myself from his presence?!
I knew it was inappropriate to burden my kids with my emotional struggles, but I also knew from growing up in an A household that pretending everything was OK while simmering with anger under the surface was toxic and damaging.
My therapist taught me some good language and encouraged me to model good emotional regulation for my boys by being open and honest but not burdening them with adult problems or making them feel they were responsible for my moods or problems.
"Ugh sorry I'm in a cranky mood. It's nothing to do with you. I'm going for a run/walk/bubble bath/therapy appointment/coffee with bff to help myself feel better."
Or using your example: "I had such a great time at your graduation. That was really fun. I'm so proud of you. I also found myself sometimes feeling sad that "Name" wasn't there because it was an important day and while it's his choice that he missed it, it just bubbled up for me and made me kind of sad/angry at times. But I am so grateful we had a free and natural fun time, I wouldn't change a thing. It's such a big milestone for you! How are you feeling in this big moment?"
My sons often surprised me with their answers, with their impressions of tough situations, with their heartfelt feelings.
My therapist was a much needed adult outlet and guide for that challenging first few years post-sep/divorce. And I do not regret that the challenge I chose was the one that allowed me to stop modeling an unhealthy relationship for my boys, and start modeling well-adjusted responsible, caring, warm, and loving openness in a home without eggshells to avoid. Openness to life with all its choices and difficulties and unplanned realities.
You've already started that modeling, providing a first big family event that felt more relaxed and free. What a gift!!
Peace,
B.
Kudos on pulling off a fun celebration in spite of your turbulent feelings.
The counselor I saw for about a year after my divorce said something that always stayed with me: choose your challenge. Meaning - it was challenging to suddenly be responsible for everything, figuring out the finances, arranging the social life of the children, managing their health, dental care, and school activities as a single mom, AND figuring out who am I now? etc. But I had chosen that over the challenge of staying in a dysfunctional relationship.
Once I became a single mom and was facing all the challenges alone there was now the additional challenge of personal emotional management in relation to the kids. It had always been there, that responsibility, but my ex was a convenient distraction and a way for me to always see myself, in comparison to him, as relatively perfect LOL!
I had to start asking myself harder (more challenging) questions like, what lessons did I want to impart to my children by my behavior? Was I going to be a bitter person blaming all my bad moods and our difficult situations on my divorce or my ex? Was I still going to let my ex dominate the mood of my house even though I had purposely freed myself from his presence?!
I knew it was inappropriate to burden my kids with my emotional struggles, but I also knew from growing up in an A household that pretending everything was OK while simmering with anger under the surface was toxic and damaging.
My therapist taught me some good language and encouraged me to model good emotional regulation for my boys by being open and honest but not burdening them with adult problems or making them feel they were responsible for my moods or problems.
"Ugh sorry I'm in a cranky mood. It's nothing to do with you. I'm going for a run/walk/bubble bath/therapy appointment/coffee with bff to help myself feel better."
Or using your example: "I had such a great time at your graduation. That was really fun. I'm so proud of you. I also found myself sometimes feeling sad that "Name" wasn't there because it was an important day and while it's his choice that he missed it, it just bubbled up for me and made me kind of sad/angry at times. But I am so grateful we had a free and natural fun time, I wouldn't change a thing. It's such a big milestone for you! How are you feeling in this big moment?"
My sons often surprised me with their answers, with their impressions of tough situations, with their heartfelt feelings.
My therapist was a much needed adult outlet and guide for that challenging first few years post-sep/divorce. And I do not regret that the challenge I chose was the one that allowed me to stop modeling an unhealthy relationship for my boys, and start modeling well-adjusted responsible, caring, warm, and loving openness in a home without eggshells to avoid. Openness to life with all its choices and difficulties and unplanned realities.
You've already started that modeling, providing a first big family event that felt more relaxed and free. What a gift!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,018
I hope you are hanging tough Firecricket.
That in between time of uncertainty sure can be hard. Keep putting one foot in front of another, feel whatever you feel and come let us know how you get on.
Have an e-hug.
That in between time of uncertainty sure can be hard. Keep putting one foot in front of another, feel whatever you feel and come let us know how you get on.
Have an e-hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
I am hanging in there. I suspect my husband lost his job but I won't actually know for for sure unless he either tells me (we aren't speaking) or two weeks from now if I am missing a child support payment (they get taken automatically from his checks). I am trying not to think about it, and will cross that bridge when I come to it. I am already in the mindset today that I will have to file a motion with the court to request permission to sell the house.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Well that sucks.
I think that's a solid idea about getting the court to approve a sale. I don't know if that's expensive but if not perhaps it's something you can put in motion right away, so it's there if you need it.
I think that's a solid idea about getting the court to approve a sale. I don't know if that's expensive but if not perhaps it's something you can put in motion right away, so it's there if you need it.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
If you're already filing a motion, you may want to consider a contempt motion if the support is court - ordered, or if the DAs office handles support, have a chat with your case worker if the support payments stop. Since he's demonstrated ability to work and pay the support, a contempt charge might be enough to light a fire and get him making payments again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by sage1969 
If you're already filing a motion, you may want to consider a contempt motion if the support is court - ordered, or if the DAs office handles support, have a chat with your case worker if the support payments stop. Since he's demonstrated ability to work and pay the support, a contempt charge might be enough to light a fire and get him making payments again.
I don't know for sure if he has lost his job, I just have a few reasons to believe that he has. I won't know for sure until June 17 - as I think he lost his job last week at some point, which means no work this week, which will mean no support payment on June 17. But I could be wrong. I will definitely file contempt for support and so that I can get permission to sell the house. I can't afford it otherwise.
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