Am I shaming?
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
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Am I shaming?
I posted this video on an app, it's just a video with wedding photos, family photos, and then AH's new gf's mugshot and says something like he can't be bothered with his kids but he's got time for this.
Almost all of the comments are supportive - many from women who's spouses also left after long marriages with no real explanation. I feel less alone. I feel validated.
One comment asked why I am shaming him? So now I wonder... am I shaming him? Nobody knows who he is, I highly doubt he or his family will ever see it. Our last name isn't attached to it.
Is this shaming? Should I remove it, or at least make it private? I have searched the boards already. I did find one really helpful post called "Scum". I read every comment. But I still don't know.
I Googled and found an article online about airing dirty laundry, why she does it, how it helps her. I just don't know.
And of course I post here anonymously. Wouldn't that also be shaming?
That one negative comment left me feeling confused. Was I wrong to post that?
Almost all of the comments are supportive - many from women who's spouses also left after long marriages with no real explanation. I feel less alone. I feel validated.
One comment asked why I am shaming him? So now I wonder... am I shaming him? Nobody knows who he is, I highly doubt he or his family will ever see it. Our last name isn't attached to it.
Is this shaming? Should I remove it, or at least make it private? I have searched the boards already. I did find one really helpful post called "Scum". I read every comment. But I still don't know.
I Googled and found an article online about airing dirty laundry, why she does it, how it helps her. I just don't know.
And of course I post here anonymously. Wouldn't that also be shaming?
That one negative comment left me feeling confused. Was I wrong to post that?
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
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Originally Posted by timj120 
I guess the questions I would ask myself,
why am I posting this?
what am I hoping to accomplish by posting this?
What is the intended outcome I’m hoping to achieve?
what would the consequences be if they/he did see it?
why am I posting this?
what am I hoping to accomplish by posting this?
What is the intended outcome I’m hoping to achieve?
what would the consequences be if they/he did see it?
He and his family would likely be mad, I guess? But they get mad if talk about it to anyone at all. Like I'm supposed shush about everything.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
I get it, it feels good to get that out. But you already know he’s in the wrong. You don’t need to be validated, your feelings are always valid.
I would take it down. Clearly, by questioning it, it’s having unintended consequences for you. Take it down, put it (by it I mean the post, the shaming question) behind you and focus back on yourself.
just my opinion
I would take it down. Clearly, by questioning it, it’s having unintended consequences for you. Take it down, put it (by it I mean the post, the shaming question) behind you and focus back on yourself.
just my opinion
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by firecricket
Just to feel better. To vent. To get support.
He and his family would likely be mad, I guess? But they get mad if talk about it to anyone at all. Like I'm supposed shush about everything.
He and his family would likely be mad, I guess? But they get mad if talk about it to anyone at all. Like I'm supposed shush about everything.
If so, I think that's a good thing - however actually posting it, that I would be questioning. Not because of them, for you.
You're angry (that's not a bad thing) but how you use that anger, that can be destructive to you (like you feeling slightly questioning/bad about your actions) or it can be a force to truly separate yourself from him emotionally and propel yourself on to better things.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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"he can't be bothered with his kids but he's got time for this" is, objectively, shaming.
Posting here is not, since you are not posting here with the intent of people he knows seeing it.
I'm all for venting and garnering support. But shaming is pretty much the worst way to get another person to change.
No judgment on my end, we've all done it. But if it were me, I'd take it down.
As for his family, they don't get to dictate who you talk to about anything you need help with. But maybe there are more productive ways to get support.
Posting here is not, since you are not posting here with the intent of people he knows seeing it.
I'm all for venting and garnering support. But shaming is pretty much the worst way to get another person to change.
No judgment on my end, we've all done it. But if it were me, I'd take it down.
As for his family, they don't get to dictate who you talk to about anything you need help with. But maybe there are more productive ways to get support.
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firecricket......we are "human animals". When we feel hurt or attacked---it is in our nature to want to strike back---to hurt back. We want them to hurt, like we have ben hurt.
In addition, sometimes, we gat the idea that if we "rub their noses" in their misconducts----we can control them---motivate them to change their behavior.
I think your feelings are understandable. Directing those emotions, though, may need some tweeking.
In addition, sometimes, we gat the idea that if we "rub their noses" in their misconducts----we can control them---motivate them to change their behavior.
I think your feelings are understandable. Directing those emotions, though, may need some tweeking.
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Originally Posted by firecricket
Was I wrong to post that?
I mean, I get it, but it’s self-indulgent and mean-spirited.
You are posing the question because, on some level, you know the answer.
For me, recovery from co-dependency, pretty much ruined my taste for dramatic confrontation. It gave me empathy for the addict, so shaming an already miserable SOB brought ZERO joy.
You are getting healthy, and that messes with our unhealthy habits.
I’d say that’s my 2 cents, but it’s probably worth less than that!
Take care, firecricket!
-TC
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Fircricket I do so get what you did and I'm sure I have done something similar. There is always the saying, "If you can't say anything good don't say anything at all." but I kind of liked Alice Roosevelt's misquote of this, "If you can't say anything good, come sit next to me.".
What ever you decide to do, come sit with all of us and vent away.
What ever you decide to do, come sit with all of us and vent away.
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I would be caustious about something like this. If nothing else, someone can capture that picture of the arrestee, use some sort of Google-foo to get her name, An arrest is one thing, conviction is another. Someone could also capture pictures of your children and heaven only knows what someone might do with them.
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On one hand posting a photo of someone in particular without their permission is a form of doxxing ie personal information-their appearance and probably some arrest info.
On the other drunk driving, alcoholism, drug addiction should be associated with negativity. Describing them or talking about your AH new gf in detail without personal information is okay. But just for one's own security I wouldn't make it personal to the point of releasing personal information. It could start a war of revenge posts. Anonymity is what makes this and other forums work ie speak freely.
On the other drunk driving, alcoholism, drug addiction should be associated with negativity. Describing them or talking about your AH new gf in detail without personal information is okay. But just for one's own security I wouldn't make it personal to the point of releasing personal information. It could start a war of revenge posts. Anonymity is what makes this and other forums work ie speak freely.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
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I genuinely did not think it was a problem until someone left that comment, only then did I question it and posted here for feedback. And I have since made the video private.
Thank you everyone, for your honest feedback, I really appreciate it. Sometimes it is hard for me to know in situations like this ... my friends and family were like "it's fine" but then a random person on the internet made me question if it really was fine. I know my friends and family mean well but sometimes I think I just need an outside, unbiased opinion.
Thank you everyone, for your honest feedback, I really appreciate it. Sometimes it is hard for me to know in situations like this ... my friends and family were like "it's fine" but then a random person on the internet made me question if it really was fine. I know my friends and family mean well but sometimes I think I just need an outside, unbiased opinion.
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Well probably for the best Firecricket.
I read once that we should, "Listen to our anger but not dance to it." I have always taken this to mean I should feel my anger but not act on it. I sure so act on my emotions too much.
I read once that we should, "Listen to our anger but not dance to it." I have always taken this to mean I should feel my anger but not act on it. I sure so act on my emotions too much.
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Originally Posted by firecricket
I genuinely did not think it was a problem until someone left that comment, only then did I question it and posted here for feedback. And I have since made the video private.
Thank you everyone, for your honest feedback, I really appreciate it. Sometimes it is hard for me to know in situations like this ... my friends and family were like "it's fine" but then a random person on the internet made me question if it really was fine. I know my friends and family mean well but sometimes I think I just need an outside, unbiased opinion.
Thank you everyone, for your honest feedback, I really appreciate it. Sometimes it is hard for me to know in situations like this ... my friends and family were like "it's fine" but then a random person on the internet made me question if it really was fine. I know my friends and family mean well but sometimes I think I just need an outside, unbiased opinion.
I was thinking about this afterward and I think the person who commented about the 'shaming' kind of got it wrong. Is it shaming when the person depicted doesn't even know it's there on some random website on the webz? No, it's not the town square and you weren't ringing a bell.
It was probably more about you venting and validation for you?
You aren't wrong FC - what he did is horrendous, no question, It's almost twilight zone-ish the way some alcoholics/people can behave and certainly the way your AH is behaving.
walked out on 16 years, 4 kids, a house, a dog, a family life. For a woman who robs gas stations at gun point
Who does that? Are they in their "right" mind? No, not at all. Alcoholism is progressive and it's not the first time an alcoholic has taken a hard turn like this (and most certainly won't be the last). When we talk about alcoholism being progressive, it almost sounds like someone slowly but surely taking an extra drink over a period of years - and it can be! Or it can be a lot faster. There can be a tipping point, your AH reached his, unfortunately.
I think an important take away for anyone reading your story and ones like it (like LovelyKaya's) is that this can and does happen. That call for the alcohol becomes so great and when it sets in it can mean flitting off across the country to live in a van, parking themselves in the recliner or moving in with a dental felon.
It's a lifestyle choice in favour of alcohol - although it always has the upper hand in addiction, there is that progression. He isn't "choosing" her, he/his addiction is choosing alcohol.
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Firecricket, if I remember rightly you mentioned in another post that it is Tiktok you posted it on. To be fair, this type of video calling people out is common on there. There is a huge recovery community which gives support to others in a similar position. I have found it massively helpful.
People expose the abuse of parents, spouses, church people, employers, etc to get a sense of having their power back.
It does seem to be a more modern approach than people hiding abuse which, as we know, makes it all far harder to recover from. I think as time goes on it will become more and more usual for the abusive behaviours of others to put in the public domain.
I had it ingrained in me to cover up for my abusive parents, part of the invalidation of abuse. Of their violence and emotional abuse.
I speak of it now, openly. I have had other people thank me for my openness as it helped them to cope with their own situation.
People expose the abuse of parents, spouses, church people, employers, etc to get a sense of having their power back.
It does seem to be a more modern approach than people hiding abuse which, as we know, makes it all far harder to recover from. I think as time goes on it will become more and more usual for the abusive behaviours of others to put in the public domain.
I had it ingrained in me to cover up for my abusive parents, part of the invalidation of abuse. Of their violence and emotional abuse.
I speak of it now, openly. I have had other people thank me for my openness as it helped them to cope with their own situation.
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I just wanted to post in support of you firecricket—what he did to you and the kids was %$#@*y, and I think it is important to get those feelings out and get some validation after all the gaslighting and crap you have had to put up with.
He is the loser here—choosing his addiction and the dental felon to keep his so-called party going even at the expense of his family—and you are the one who has the high ground, has protected your kids, and in the end, that will be what will be noted in both public and private spaces.
He is the loser here—choosing his addiction and the dental felon to keep his so-called party going even at the expense of his family—and you are the one who has the high ground, has protected your kids, and in the end, that will be what will be noted in both public and private spaces.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I just wanted to post in support of you firecricket—what he did to you and the kids was %$#@*y, and I think it is important to get those feelings out and get some validation after all the gaslighting and crap you have had to put up with.
He is the loser here—choosing his addiction and the dental felon to keep his so-called party going even at the expense of his family—and you are the one who has the high ground, has protected your kids, and in the end, that will be what will be noted in both public and private spaces.
He is the loser here—choosing his addiction and the dental felon to keep his so-called party going even at the expense of his family—and you are the one who has the high ground, has protected your kids, and in the end, that will be what will be noted in both public and private spaces.
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