Juliedancer

Hello again. I posted a while back. A quick recap is I made my alcoholic boyfriend move out, it's been almost a month and I keep noticing things are gone - things he took of mine. He also has not filled out an address change with the post office, so I'm getting things in the mail that are his, that I keep returning to sender. I also found a few more things that are his here...and tried to contact him so we could make a trade, but silence in return. Right after he moved I found a bunch of stuff that was his and I drove twice to his sister's to bring him his stuff (a 3 and a half hour trip one way...so 7 hours of driving two times). I did this because I didn't want him just showing up at my house to get his things. He doesn't live with his sister, but in the same town so I knew he could easily get them. This was also before I realized he took a bunch of MY things. So here I am now. I tried to reach him to get my things back two weeks ago, and his phones disconnected, and he won't respond to my email. Two days ago there was a package left at my door addressed to him. He ordered an engine part (for the used truck I bought for him two days before I kicked him out - I know, I've given this man way too much financially). At first I thought okay, I can hang on to this and use it as a bargaining tool to get my things back. But then he isn't communicating and I REALLY don't want him to just show up here. I don't want the drama. I know he hasn't stopped drinking. Yesterday I decided to let go completely. I took the package back to the post office and told them he doesn't live here and had it "refused" and sent back to sender. In my head I'm letting go of the things he took from me. I don't think I will ever get them back. Some are sentimental, some are tools I have to rebuy and I'm sure I haven't realized everything that is gone yet. But I think it's best to avoid any possibility of contact. I'm bummed about some of it, but oh well. Getting these things delivered to me and also going to get something in my house only to discover it's missing, well they are just continual reminders of him when I'm trying to move on. Ugh. I just want to be done with it all.

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dandylion

Julie...I think that letting go, as you have described, is the best thing you cans do!!!!!

Strawbz11

I'm in a similar situation. Got his things here and he owes me money. But he's blocked my number and blocked me on Facebook and blocked me on WhatsApp. So he's told his cousin he will give me my money when he gets his stuff but that's all I know. Don't really want him showing up here and feel extremely uncomfortable at the idea of meeting him anywhere to be honest. I guess it would be nice to meet him somewhere where in the sense that I wouldn't have to be dreading in turning up here. I certainly don't want to be going to his house so yeah it's all a bit awkward isn't it. Leaving to it that's all you can do.

D122y

I don't know much about the background of any relationship here or there.

I will offer my 2 cents as SR is part of my personal therapy.

Dealing with any active addict is dealing with a crazy person. I know folks that are certified geniuses with the highest IQ and demonstrations of success (financial and family)...but, they can't function for long without their booze fix.

I imagine your X drunk sig. other has done some horrible and scary stuff. Often times the best answer is get away, leave us, kick us out, etc etc. Us drunks have to save ourselves. My wife of 20 plus years suffered a bunch dealing with me while I was actively addicted. Thankfully, I never was violent or mentally traumatized her enough to make her decide to end it. I love her so much. But, I couldn't quit for her. I quit for me.

SR has so many awesome and interesting perspectives. Not that anyone cares about the opinion of an X drunk, but you never know.

Prayers for your contentment and success.

Hope this helps in some way.

Thanks.

PeacefulWater12

Many years ago I left a relationship as you describe, wrote it all off.

Best thing I could have done. Clean break, clear my mind. The ex had nothing to leverage over me.

Ok, so I lost some money and assets but the freedom from all the craziness was worth it

sage1969

Sometimes letting go of the physical stuff can be a relief because you're also letting go of the emotional and energeric stuff at the same time. It's probably frustrating having to replace tools and whatnot that you do use on a regular basis -- I get it. I think back about XABF and deceased AH and I don't think I'd want to ask for stuff back or owed money (yes, in both relationships there was owed money and debts, and that was a loss that I just wrote off rather than invite in more harrassment). I don't think I could take the steps backward, it wouldn't be worth it for me. I do hope you've changed the locks, that there's no way for him to get in if he shows up . . . otherwise, yes, send the mail back, send the packages back, and reclaim your personal space and peace.

trailmix

I know you don't want him showing up, but it is within your power to refuse him entry anyway. If he demands entry, call the police, don't hesitate. I also hope you have changed the locks.

Taking his things to his Sister's house was kind of you but is really not required. You are wasting your time, he doesn't care about his "stuff" unless it's a crate of alcohol.

Juliedancer

Thanks everyone. Yes, I have changed the locks. If you're interested in the whole story I think if you click on my name/icon you can then click on my posts. The first one was "trying to understand" and says the most important stuff about my story I think. It was in the newcomers section.

One of the main reasons I don't want him showing up here is if he is sober it will break my heart to see him. If he's not it will suck as well, dealing with an emotional rollercoaster. So best to just keep away any reasons or excuses for it happening. I think these little passive aggressive games - taking my things, then now still sending things he ordered to my house, and then also "ghosting" me at the same time, is some way of getting him to see if I care enough to reach out to him or for me to create some meeting. So yeah, just letting it all go now. It's crappy, as it's like being robbed. And not by a stranger breaking I to your house, but being robbed by someone who you thought loved you. It feels like being walked all over. Taken advantage of. Played. But I get it, that it's not personal it's their addiction I guess. It's hard not to take it personally though. Again, best to get out and cut my losses.

dandylion

Yes, Julie.....it IS really, really hard. Letting go is so painful
Try to think of it like this----------going through the letting go pain is choosing the short-term pain over the long-term pain.
The short-term pain, though excruciating, will pass, in time. However---the long-term pain never goes away and just keeps getting worse, over time.

Letting go will give you the freedom to begin turning your head forward, to your future......

Bute

Hi Julie,
Yes, I would cut my losses and run! "Things" can be replaced. Sentimental things can't be certainly, but sometimes, we just have to bite the bullet, and do what is best for us. Good for you!
Much Love
Bute x

trailmix

I did read your first couple of post in the newcomers section just now, which does fill in a lot of the story here.

How not to take it personally, yes, this comes up a lot here as I'm sure you know. We, as non-alcoholics (most of us) can have a hard time wrapping our heads around this. In "normal" relationships (good ones anyway) there is responsibility and integrity and compassion and selflessness etc etc. These things do not necessarily exist in dysfunctional relationships.

So while in general we might be living in the "real" non- drinking world from day to day and then step in to the drinking world (which we aren't really a part of) we can apply "regular" stuff to non-regular behaviour, if that makes sense.

Why would he/she do that? Why would anyone ever call me a **tch? Am I? Am I not supportive? etc etc

Maybe if we think more about who the messenger is than what is being said, that is helpful. I've had people tell me things about myself before, good, trusted people, in a non-harsh way and I've taken that to heart. But if you look at who your messenger is, the guy that screamed at you, called you names and stole your things - well, grain of salt time?

My Father was an alcoholic all his life. My Mother was basically a saint lol - in fact we called her Saint <her name> here, joking around sometimes. So was she not worthy somehow, did she do something wrong to be treated so poorly? Was any of his behaviour about her? No. So I think from my point of view I can see quite clearly the dynamic and know the other person doesn't need to harbour any "blame" or misgivings about themselves, if there is even blame to be had.