LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone...

So I met a guy shortly after my exAH left me. It was very casual at first as I was not in a place to be in a relationship. We stayed friends and about 5 months ago we started talking more and more again. Whenever I saw him that it factor or spark was still there but he started to flake on me. It started out with 2 times where he flaked and then 2 times where we had plans and he completely ghosted me. No call No show... The part of me that was worried about him and generally likes to "figure things out" was eager to know why. He never gave me any real reasons just told me he was toxic and that he was scared of love... Fast forward to a few weeks ago....

He sent me a song and said it was about a guy who wants to be close to a girl but keeps pushing her away. However in reading the lyrics the song was actually about an addict who keeps pushing everyone away.... Like word for word. At the moment he is in Costa Rica on a boys trip and started sending me a bunch of messages about how he is thinking about me when he is there ect ect .... He wants to see me when he gets back... ect ect ... The last message he sent me was followed up by a picture of him in the back seat of a car with a bottle of Jameson Whisky in his lap 1/2 gone....

If it wasn't for this group and everything I have learned here I don't know if I would have been able to put all the pieces together. I don't know if I would have been able to read that song and get the message or equate his flaky behavior as possible addiction. Even the bottle of Jameson would have not thrown me off that much. I would have brushed it off as boys will be boys on vacation. Adding up all the signs it is clear to me that he most likely has a drinking and or drug problem. What it has done is made it simple now. It is a deal breaker for me... So instead of wondering if this "great connection" I thought I had could be something ...I am seeing it for what it is.... Thank you all so much

PeacefulWater12

Great growth.

sage1969

As PeacefulWater said, great growth! It feels so much better to be able to recognise why we might "connect," and be able to let go of people who just aren't good for us.

trailmix

I'm so glad you decided to give him a pass! Yes, he is just what he said he is, toxic and scared of love. There is no fixing that (well maybe therapy over several years - but that's another story).

If someone says they are toxic and scared of love, what they are really saying is - this is a HUGE problem I am not addressing in any way. Just like if he told you he is an alcoholic and therefore drinks more than he probably should.

More things you didn't cause, can't control and can't change.

Bekindalways

Good to hear Kaya. I suppose once we see addiction and alcoholism for what it is we can't unsee it when it appears.