He moved abroad, I feel happy.
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He moved abroad, I feel happy.
Good evening,
Its Dia. Again. So...he moved to Germany. He is gone and I feel... calm? I don't know what I expected. But as if everything was finally as it should be. Sadness? Very little. There is apathy. A lot of apathy. Indifference. I've already put so much energy into our relationship and now? It's a relief to know it's over. No more tears over someone as him.
He texts me - that he had arrived and sent some photos...but I know him. Whenever he changed jobs, he was excited at first. In a few months, everything was bad and he drank a lot again ... I think he has to change. Unfortunately, he doesn't think he should. In the end, I'm glad he got a job offer abroad. I've seen my friends and family....I'm happy without him. I do not miss his eternal criticism, collecting beer cans, insults. He asked if he could sleep at mine place next weekend and make a few things here. I said no. This man has done more evil than good in my life, and I will not let myself be used anymore.
I feel good. I wanted to thank you. To all of you. For your advice and kind words. I am very grateful. It was a great luck to find this forum. ❤
Dia.
Its Dia. Again. So...he moved to Germany. He is gone and I feel... calm? I don't know what I expected. But as if everything was finally as it should be. Sadness? Very little. There is apathy. A lot of apathy. Indifference. I've already put so much energy into our relationship and now? It's a relief to know it's over. No more tears over someone as him.
He texts me - that he had arrived and sent some photos...but I know him. Whenever he changed jobs, he was excited at first. In a few months, everything was bad and he drank a lot again ... I think he has to change. Unfortunately, he doesn't think he should. In the end, I'm glad he got a job offer abroad. I've seen my friends and family....I'm happy without him. I do not miss his eternal criticism, collecting beer cans, insults. He asked if he could sleep at mine place next weekend and make a few things here. I said no. This man has done more evil than good in my life, and I will not let myself be used anymore.
I feel good. I wanted to thank you. To all of you. For your advice and kind words. I am very grateful. It was a great luck to find this forum. ❤
Dia.
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Join Date: Mar 2022
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Originally Posted by Berrybean 
Congratulations!! 🎇🎉
Mine threatened (promised) to move to Thailand. Just more drunken quacking. I wish!!! 😆🤣🤣🤣
BB x
Mine threatened (promised) to move to Thailand. Just more drunken quacking. I wish!!! 😆🤣🤣🤣
BB x
(Iam currently 50 days NC. It was easy at first. Now? A little bit harder. I dont know why. He is blocked everywhere, so....sometimes I miss the old "sober" days he had. But...it is necessary for me to keep going forward)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes, it can get a bit harder as time goes on, you may be wondering how he's doing. Hey maybe he's sober and going around being a great guy! (chances are - no).
I don't know if you have already done this, but now might be a good time to write a list of all of the awful things he said and did. Something to keep with you on paper or on your phone as a reminder when you start to "wonder". Add to it as things come to mind and then every time you get that kind of wistful thinking, pull that list out to remind yourself why you are not in contact. Just something short and to the point you can scan when needed (even if that's 10 times a day some days).
- Laid in bed drinking for days
- Announced he was moving without talking to me about it
- Would "forget" dates we had made and go to the pub
- Abusive
etc etc
I'm sure the list will be long and really it's good to get it all out there.
You really are doing well. 50 days is remarkable, keep going.
I don't know if you have already done this, but now might be a good time to write a list of all of the awful things he said and did. Something to keep with you on paper or on your phone as a reminder when you start to "wonder". Add to it as things come to mind and then every time you get that kind of wistful thinking, pull that list out to remind yourself why you are not in contact. Just something short and to the point you can scan when needed (even if that's 10 times a day some days).
- Laid in bed drinking for days
- Announced he was moving without talking to me about it
- Would "forget" dates we had made and go to the pub
- Abusive
etc etc
I'm sure the list will be long and really it's good to get it all out there.
You really are doing well. 50 days is remarkable, keep going.
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Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, it can get a bit harder as time goes on, you may be wondering how he's doing. Hey maybe he's sober and going around being a great guy! (chances are - no).
I don't know if you have already done this, but now might be a good time to write a list of all of the awful things he said and did. Something to keep with you on paper or on your phone as a reminder when you start to "wonder". Add to it as things come to mind and then every time you get that kind of wistful thinking, pull that list out to remind yourself why you are not in contact. Just something short and to the point you can scan when needed (even if that's 10 times a day some days).
- Laid in bed drinking for days
- Announced he was moving without talking to me about it
- Would "forget" dates we had made and go to the pub
- Abusive
etc etc
I'm sure the list will be long and really it's good to get it all out there.
You really are doing well. 50 days is remarkable, keep going.
I don't know if you have already done this, but now might be a good time to write a list of all of the awful things he said and did. Something to keep with you on paper or on your phone as a reminder when you start to "wonder". Add to it as things come to mind and then every time you get that kind of wistful thinking, pull that list out to remind yourself why you are not in contact. Just something short and to the point you can scan when needed (even if that's 10 times a day some days).
- Laid in bed drinking for days
- Announced he was moving without talking to me about it
- Would "forget" dates we had made and go to the pub
- Abusive
etc etc
I'm sure the list will be long and really it's good to get it all out there.
You really are doing well. 50 days is remarkable, keep going.
Yes, I was wondering....How is he? I wonder if he drinks, does therapy or something ...I've always been his biggest fan. But I know it won't change. (Really very, very, very low chances).
That's a great idea with that list. Thank you. It's definitely good to remember. Because, as I noticed, the fog is falling over the bad things he did to me. It's like ... I remember all that nice but.. And now do I realize how abusive he was. How he lied. Drink. There was nothing in his fridge but beer. He bought six cans for Valentine's Day. The whole pack...Girlfriend? Nah...alcohol is better than her.
I'll write it all on that list.
And I will live the best life without him. I'm looking forward to that moment when I wanna be able to delete all our conversations full of his lies and false promises. So far, I've only managed to block him. But - step by step. A long way ahead.
Thanks again for your understanding. Encouragement. It helped me a lot. It means a lot to me. Really. ✨️💙
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Location: Western US
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Yep, next right step and you will get better and then worse and then better again.
Good to hear he moved to Germany. I hope you are several countries at least away from there.
Keep being kind to yourself and let us know how you get on.
Good to hear he moved to Germany. I hope you are several countries at least away from there.
Keep being kind to yourself and let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Yep, next right step and you will get better and then worse and then better again.
Good to hear he moved to Germany. I hope you are several countries at least away from there.
Keep being kind to yourself and let us know how you get on.
Good to hear he moved to Germany. I hope you are several countries at least away from there.
Keep being kind to yourself and let us know how you get on.
Therapy helped me a lot. I know his father is also an alcoholic and his mother has BPD, and he is not someone I want the future with. I think even as a friend he would be just selfish individual. I don't (or try not to) have much mercy for him, despite the fact that I may like him a little bit still - because the beginnings were nice. And when I think about him, I mainly see the beginnings. Germany is my neighboring country. Fortunately, still quite far. He told me he would never return. Because there are better people, better money, better everything.... due to his words. And somehow its hard to absorb all of this.
I probably have a long way to go ahead of me.
But I hope to be ok one day. After all, two months after the breakup, it's still very fresh.
Thank you so much for your understanding.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Yes, what he has done is pretty standard, called a "geographical". He is messing up his life, or life is messy, so move! Everything is better there, the people, the wine the water even!
The truth is, wherever he goes, there he is, still drinking, still miserable. It's kind of sad but it's what it is.
As time goes on and you stick to your NC you will feel better and better. You are doing really well by the way as, yes, it has only been a very short time.
The truth is, wherever he goes, there he is, still drinking, still miserable. It's kind of sad but it's what it is.
As time goes on and you stick to your NC you will feel better and better. You are doing really well by the way as, yes, it has only been a very short time.
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Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, what he has done is pretty standard, called a "geographical". He is messing up his life, or life is messy, so move! Everything is better there, the people, the wine the water even!
The truth is, wherever he goes, there he is, still drinking, still miserable. It's kind of sad but it's what it is.
As time goes on and you stick to your NC you will feel better and better. You are doing really well by the way as, yes, it has only been a very short time.
The truth is, wherever he goes, there he is, still drinking, still miserable. It's kind of sad but it's what it is.
As time goes on and you stick to your NC you will feel better and better. You are doing really well by the way as, yes, it has only been a very short time.
But he was in Ireland for half a year. Supposedly to learn the language. I think he still thinks the fault is in the people around him. Not in him and in his behavior.
I still hurt with the thought that I would never see or hear him again. After all, we've been friends for a long time and two years together ... but I hope it gets better. I quess...part of me just wasn't ready for this.
I'm really happy, that I found this forum. Very kind people here and I don't feel so alone. Thanks again.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Originally Posted by Dalia97
Thank you. I have read it several times and I feel so much better. I didn't know it is common thing. To move to a foreign country and leave everything behind. I know he's done something like this before. I didn't know him then.
But he was in Ireland for half a year. Supposedly to learn the language. I think he still thinks the fault is in the people around him. Not in him and in his behavior.
I still hurt with the thought that I would never see or hear him again. After all, we've been friends for a long time and two years together ... but I hope it gets better. I quess...part of me just wasn't ready for this.
I'm really happy, that I found this forum. Very kind people here and I don't feel so alone. Thanks again.
But he was in Ireland for half a year. Supposedly to learn the language. I think he still thinks the fault is in the people around him. Not in him and in his behavior.
I still hurt with the thought that I would never see or hear him again. After all, we've been friends for a long time and two years together ... but I hope it gets better. I quess...part of me just wasn't ready for this.
I'm really happy, that I found this forum. Very kind people here and I don't feel so alone. Thanks again.
It's hard to be ready for something as traumatic as this. He's just not relationship material at all right now, not as a friend or romantically. He'll just keep forging his own path.
This move is the same thing he does with jobs:
Whenever he changed jobs, he was excited at first. In a few months, everything was bad and he drank a lot again
Geographical
"Trying to solve our problems by moving to a new location, an attempt to cure our alcoholism by getting a ‘fresh start’ in a new city. It doesn’t work. There is a saying around AA, ‘Wherever you go, there you are.’ Also known as “changing deckchairs on the Titanic.”
https://aa.org.au/new-to-aa/frequent.../#Geographical
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Originally Posted by trailmix
No, you aren't alone at all Dalia.
It's hard to be ready for something as traumatic as this. He's just not relationship material at all right now, not as a friend or romantically. He'll just keep forging his own path.
This move is the same thing he does with jobs:
Don't be surprised if in a few months (or days or weeks) he contacts you again to say how he feels misled because someone told him Germany was so much better and the jobs and now, well the jobs aren't great and the wine isn't any better and - yeah - even the water isn't as good.
Geographical
"Trying to solve our problems by moving to a new location, an attempt to cure our alcoholism by getting a ‘fresh start’ in a new city. It doesn’t work. There is a saying around AA, ‘Wherever you go, there you are.’ Also known as “changing deckchairs on the Titanic.
It's hard to be ready for something as traumatic as this. He's just not relationship material at all right now, not as a friend or romantically. He'll just keep forging his own path.
This move is the same thing he does with jobs:
Don't be surprised if in a few months (or days or weeks) he contacts you again to say how he feels misled because someone told him Germany was so much better and the jobs and now, well the jobs aren't great and the wine isn't any better and - yeah - even the water isn't as good.
Geographical
"Trying to solve our problems by moving to a new location, an attempt to cure our alcoholism by getting a ‘fresh start’ in a new city. It doesn’t work. There is a saying around AA, ‘Wherever you go, there you are.’ Also known as “changing deckchairs on the Titanic.
I know it. He doesn't even have any close friends. I always wondered why. I thought he was just an introvert or shy. But now I see it all. After all of that emotional abuse, silent treatment, bad communication.
I see the pattern now. But I didn't notice it before ... He had already moved three hours by train from me (he broke up with me last year, then came back) - he changed jobs three times in two months and moved back in our city, where he stayed in one job for 4 months, which was his record. Then Germany.
Of course is the best because there are the best salaries and he wants to learn the language fluently. I do not believe that he will be satisfied. And that's at least a bit of a satisfaction for me.
I did not know that moving from place to place or to another country exists with a term in the literature. I'm a little smarter again. Thank you!
I guess he'll call. Sooner or later. He had said before that he never wanted to see me. But now I know he can't be trusted. And you are absolutely right. It will be exactly like this. Suddenly, Germany will be bad. People there are worse than in his home country and the language is not so easy at all and why should he learn it. I can almost hear him saying that. It was the same with his past job.
I know he will never change. Because mistakes are only in others. I don't want that kind of person in my life. My brain already knows it. But my heart? This will take a while. And then I know from my therapist about the trauma bond. Which I have to overcome.
Thanks 💕
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