‘Dating’ someone in recovery
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Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 1
‘Dating’ someone in recovery
Hello all,
Ive been in a land of confusion the last few months and came across this site. Looks like the perfect place for some guidance. A friend and I reconnected a few months ago, (both in our 40’s), and we have been talking/texting all day every day since then. We spend time together at least a few times a week, and we both show affection. Everything seems perfect, great chemistry, and I really care about him. He is almost 3 years sober. At this point he pretty much refuses to take anything further than friends because he doesn’t think he can handle the pressure of life in a relationship and maintaining sobriety, but has stated multiple times if he wasnt going through feeling this way, he would be in a relationship with me. It feels like we pretty much are without the title, but Im just trying to avoid a heart break. In your life experiences in these perhaps similar situations…will this feeling pass for him? Am I holding on to something that will never be? Im not getting any younger, and I dont want to be hanging on to hope forever. But its also, when you know, you know. I feel like I create a safe space for him, and he shouldn’t have a reason to feel like he cant do both. But im also not in his shoes, nor have I ever battled an addiction.
thanks all.
julie
Ive been in a land of confusion the last few months and came across this site. Looks like the perfect place for some guidance. A friend and I reconnected a few months ago, (both in our 40’s), and we have been talking/texting all day every day since then. We spend time together at least a few times a week, and we both show affection. Everything seems perfect, great chemistry, and I really care about him. He is almost 3 years sober. At this point he pretty much refuses to take anything further than friends because he doesn’t think he can handle the pressure of life in a relationship and maintaining sobriety, but has stated multiple times if he wasnt going through feeling this way, he would be in a relationship with me. It feels like we pretty much are without the title, but Im just trying to avoid a heart break. In your life experiences in these perhaps similar situations…will this feeling pass for him? Am I holding on to something that will never be? Im not getting any younger, and I dont want to be hanging on to hope forever. But its also, when you know, you know. I feel like I create a safe space for him, and he shouldn’t have a reason to feel like he cant do both. But im also not in his shoes, nor have I ever battled an addiction.
thanks all.
julie
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome Julie! It's hard to tell from your post exactly what stage your relationship is at (if there is physical intimacy or not) - you mention being "friends" but also that you are "in a relationship except for the name".. but whatever it is - your emotions are now involved.
Your relationship situation may or may not have anything to do with his "being in recovery". Usually recovery from addiction implies a return to healthy emotional processing, honesty in relationships (family, work, romantic, etc) letting go of resentments and making amends to people that we hurt. I think it's important to note that sobriety is not recovery. Does he attend AA or has he mentioned working an actual program of recovery?
My initial gut reaction when I read your post was that he's just happy with the situation as it is now and this has nothing to do with recovery. Some guys just don't want an emotional commitment. I suppose it is possible that he is sober but "not recovered" so he can't really handle the emotions of a relationship. Many of us did drink to dampen our emotions. But if that is the case (that he is just sober but not in recovery) he is not really good relationship material anyway. But after 3 years of actual recovery I can't imagine he wouldn't want to move forward if he felt it was right.
I want to add that I didn't mean to imply that he is being dishonest with you. It may be exactly what he said - for whatever reason he either can't handle more, or doesn't want to. Some of us are in fact susceptible to our emotions. But if that's the case you have to ask yourself if it is enough to meet your needs. Don't put your life on hold, hoping for something he has already said he can't provide.
Your relationship situation may or may not have anything to do with his "being in recovery". Usually recovery from addiction implies a return to healthy emotional processing, honesty in relationships (family, work, romantic, etc) letting go of resentments and making amends to people that we hurt. I think it's important to note that sobriety is not recovery. Does he attend AA or has he mentioned working an actual program of recovery?
My initial gut reaction when I read your post was that he's just happy with the situation as it is now and this has nothing to do with recovery. Some guys just don't want an emotional commitment. I suppose it is possible that he is sober but "not recovered" so he can't really handle the emotions of a relationship. Many of us did drink to dampen our emotions. But if that is the case (that he is just sober but not in recovery) he is not really good relationship material anyway. But after 3 years of actual recovery I can't imagine he wouldn't want to move forward if he felt it was right.
I want to add that I didn't mean to imply that he is being dishonest with you. It may be exactly what he said - for whatever reason he either can't handle more, or doesn't want to. Some of us are in fact susceptible to our emotions. But if that's the case you have to ask yourself if it is enough to meet your needs. Don't put your life on hold, hoping for something he has already said he can't provide.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Hi Julie. I think advbike really covered it!
The man could be as honest as the day is long and really can't see himself managing a relationship (and all the emotions that brings) and being sober, he may just not be ready for that - and who knows, maybe he never will be, maybe that's not on his agenda.
Perhaps he has tried a relationship since he has been sober and it threatened his sobriety?
Personally? Really you should focus on yourself and what you want. If you are happy being his friend and that's enough for you, then no worries! If that isn't what you are looking for, if you are looking for a real, deep, committed relationship, this certainly doesn't sound like that.
The man could be as honest as the day is long and really can't see himself managing a relationship (and all the emotions that brings) and being sober, he may just not be ready for that - and who knows, maybe he never will be, maybe that's not on his agenda.
Perhaps he has tried a relationship since he has been sober and it threatened his sobriety?
Personally? Really you should focus on yourself and what you want. If you are happy being his friend and that's enough for you, then no worries! If that isn't what you are looking for, if you are looking for a real, deep, committed relationship, this certainly doesn't sound like that.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome Julie, glad to have you join us.
He is showing you the respect of clearly telling you how he feels. So you need to focus on what you want and if you do want a full relationship, he is not the person for you. Perhaps let him go and move on to meet someone who has the same goals as you.
He is showing you the respect of clearly telling you how he feels. So you need to focus on what you want and if you do want a full relationship, he is not the person for you. Perhaps let him go and move on to meet someone who has the same goals as you.
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