clarity888

Hello everyone, I used to post here often, about four years ago. I have a story like many others here, and to keep it short, will say that my AH lives two miles away in his own place, and relapses every three months or so but is not honest about it. I always tell him that I know, then he admits it. Anyway, I don't know how much to share with our son (11) about why his dad moved out four years ago. Our son was upset last night (with me), said he hated me, said he wanted to "move out like I made Dad move out" (of course he meant to live with Dad).

I told him that I didn't "make" Dad move out, but that a disease caused Dad to be unsafe, esp with driving, but even more so with his own health and future. And that he needed some space to figure it all out. I explained I still love his dad. My son said that I "am nice when I say hello to him, but not to Dad". That kills me, since I'm doing my best to say hello in a nice way. I think it is fairly nice, it's just that I am too affectionate with my son, which I now realize makes my son uncomfortable when I then just say "hey" to my husband. So I will tone that down. But I don't want to go into the territory of sabotaging the relationship b/w my son and his dad, though I want my son to have a better understanding that none of this is entirely one person's fault.

At what point or age did any of you reveal things like relapses, how alcohol affected a marriage, etc.? I'm looking for a counselor for the whole family, to help me keep my son in the loop without damaging their relationship. Any time I used to draw a hard line, and divorce came up w/the always included word alcohol... anytime we talked to DS about those things, he was so distraught and crushed that it killed me. He would scream while crying "I wish beer never existed"...my heart is still broken from that. So from then on, I have, I guess, protected my son from gory details like "taking in clean urine for a voluntary urine test" (May 2021). Reeking of day old beer on 12/24/21 as we leave for my family's holiday gathering.

Look, my deal is....I know all the crap about dealing with my spouse. I know he's drinking and I can't stop it. I don't want my son to hate me for how I reacted back when it all came out four years ago (there two or three verbal fights that he heard that upset him, and AH was stinking drunk, sitting with DS on the couch). I don't want my son to hate me now for how I struggle to be bubbly when saying hello to my husband who continues to hide things from me. I feel like since I can't fake more bubbly "why hello dear!" after a long day, maybe I should just give up--I don't want my son to think this is how marriage is supposed to be. And I know it's not just on me! Also, our couple's counselor said this summer that no parent is perfect and that I can't control AH drinking when he has son, though he has to breathalyze anyway for me, and esp before driving. This time the breathalyzer can't be tricked (some ppl may remember how my AH went around Sober Link, yay, so much shame for him and me on that one).

This may not make much sense, but thanks if you've read this far. I attend Al Anon, and want to work it out with my spouse, but am not sure at what cost, or what damage I am doing. Also, should I explain to my son that having my husband stay here four years ago would have just been enabling (which I didn't realize I had already done for years)?

sage1969

I've four children, and I've found that honesty and keeping it real is always best. Depending on which child, I use age appropriate words and explanations, and I'm always polite and kind, but I don't pretend.

As your son grows, he will see the differences between living with you and visits with his dad, and he will choose what is healthy and secure. He might say he hates you, but he's reacting from an emotional place. Therapy, and your example of emotional maturity in how you handle situations will help him learn also. You might also look into teen AlAnon programs.

clarity888

Thanks Sage. I should probably add that his "I hate you" came about when he was really tired and I was aggravated that he didn't brush his teeth, and made him do it after he'd gotten into the bed. And after an extended session of "please turn off your iPad". It was only the second time he's ever said it, and we talked after that and him saying he should "just move out like Dad". He let me hug him, and held my hand, and disclosed that it hurts him to see me have a glass of wine (he was going down a list of wrongs I had done). I rarely have anything to drink, and that is one reason why.

His Dad is a good cook (I'm fair, I'd say, ha), and comes across as stable and is a good father, truthfully. Supports us (we both work), helps with homework, etc.. I don't know if our son will ever feel the effects of alcohol other than my reactions to it, since AH is high functioning and his own father is too at 80. I feel like kiddo was not able to smell the stench, notice the slurring and over-emotionality (or irritability) that occurred with AH, back when DS was age 9 and prior. I wanted a lot of things in a marriage that could not happen since AH needed to be near a refrigerator 24/7 (finally I realized what was going on). There were obvious times (to me) of drunkenness, dangerous behavior, and lost chances for fun experiences...but kiddo was too young to understand, IMO. There was plenty of lying, hiding, and more lying, which is what destroyed the trust--and that's what DS really doesn't understand. I will approach it the way you describe.

sage1969

I grew up in a home with alcohol and codependency, and even though it was never spoken about, it had a significant effect on my emotional development; even if you think it's not noticeable, children will pick up on it. This is one thing you would want to put a stop to now so it doesn't continue to be an intergenerational thing (either the alcoholism or codependent behaviors) for your son and his children.

trailmix

I also grew up with an alcoholic father and while I didn't understand "alcoholism" per-se or addiction in general, I knew he liked to drink a LOT and was often drunk and that disrupted the household.

One thing with children of alcoholics (in general) they don't know any different. Some people might think, well they see their friend's parents or they see parent's on tv etc etc - sure but they aren't your parents, it's just not the same, I'm sure you already know what I mean. So while the situation may be far far from ideal, your Son may not see that.

I'm sure he doesn't hate you, of course, but he probably hates the situation and what you have "done", because at the end of the day, you sent his Dad away (as wise of a decision as that was for both of you). As for the greeting, well, that is confusing, you are still Husband and Wife, but you aren't "nice" to Dad. That's a tough one. It sounds like he is questioning what the relationship is exactly. Perhaps some clarification is needed there? Just guessing.

So I get why he isn't too enamoured with the whole deal. I do hope your AH has also taken responsibility for this, with your Son and let him know that it is absolutely best for him to be living in his own place.

Personally? At 11 your Son should be able to understand the facts about alcoholism. I think that is probably key rather than something move vague. What is alcoholism, why does his Father drink too much, what does that do to his judgement, why can't he stop. Once your Son knows and understands the facts, that may take at least some of the emotional component out of it.

Oh and he may resent this when he gets older either way, you have no control over that. If you had let your AH stay, your Son could have said, later on, why didn't you leave! Or he could say, later on, he wasn't that bad, why didn't you let him stay! All you can be is yourself and honest.

advbike

Yeah, what Sage and Trailmix said. It was the same for me. Alcoholic father (but mostly absent as he usually lived/worked overseas), and codependent mother. Whenever he was in town he would be drinking and chasing women, because he was on leave, or between projects, so that's how I knew my dad, really. Thankfully, since he mostly wasn't there and they divorced when I was 10, we didn't have to see drunken arguments. But mom didn't remarry until much later so no healthy male role model. I wish she had. Dad was a brilliant civil engineer, but his alcoholism, being mostly absent, and sexist behavior really messed me up (boys need fathers) and I still have relationship issues, mostly codependent and ACOA traits.

I think you're doing the right thing but I think it's really important to to talk about it as an adult with your son. Don't be judgemental, just lay it out, and why you can't live together. Tell him what addiction does to people and how it affects relationships. Ask how he's feeling. He may not understand all of it now but he will over time, and it will help him make better choices when he's older. Also is it your intention to remain married to your husband? This not may be the case with you, but I think some women feel it's important to remain married "for the kids" but I think it's more important for kids to see healthy relationships in action as they mature.

Triggered

This might not be the response you expect but I hope it will be of some value to you. When I was your sons age, my mum and dad were at the worst of their battle with each other and alcohol at the heart of it. My mother hung on in a toxic relationship fuelled by alcohol for many many years longer than she should. The vitriol and sheer spite that was my day to day life meant I spent my days in a state of shock and confusion. My mother may not have been able to protect me as she was too busy defending herself, all of my siblings had long since left and didnt look back and my father was in the grip of an addiction that he couldnt understand or control. I was front and centre of the battle.

That, I suspect is what you may well have saved your son from. Navigating the fall out of your situation is tricky and an emotional minefield at times no doubt. From your post, I can see you are a genuine and warm person who finds themselves in a horrible situation. Trust your instincts. Take a moment and consider that looking back, I would have given anything to have someone in my life like that. And that some day, your son will understand your current dilemma and love you all the more for how you reacted.

Eauchiche

Is there an Al a teen chapter in your area? Your son is getting old enough to attend. It is the youth version of AlAnon.