LovelyKaya33333

Good Morning everyone,

I had this dream last night that was so real. Before I went to bed last night I cried a lot... I cried not just about my exAH but about my miscarriages, about not feeling part of a family... I also prayed, I prayed that I get some kind of direction in what in me is hurting so much and why does some stuff resonate logically (like eckhart tolle, brene brown, glennon doyle) why can I logically understand all of these books and Ted Talks and get it on a logical level but somewhere it wasn't hitting my heart. So I prayed for answers for direction on how to let it sink in and what is it I need to heal ... So I had 2 dreams actually.... the second one I don't really understand... Maybe I will later... I was gambling at a casino and I was winning and this girl who I never met sat in my personal space and started pushing the buttons... I asked her to stop and she looked sad so after 10 minutes or so I motioned for her to come back and we were playing together...while she sat next to me I started losing and at first I was frusterated but then I was having fun winning or losing cause I was sharing it with her...... But the dream that so vividly hit home for me was this ......

So in my dream I had just rented a room in a house with this lady maybe around my moms age so like 65... It was around Christmas time in my dream and so I went to Christmas celebrations... I can't remember whos house I went to first but there were 3 or four houses I was stopping by and at each house I was finding out more and more stuff about my exAH... that he cheated on me several times with people I knew... that he was using drugs now... that everyone knew he was cheating and no one told me... In my dream everyone had these "what is the big deal eyes, I though you knew"... and as I was getting more and more hurt it was like the peoples conversations kept going on and on and getting more muffled... like these hurtful bombs were getting dropped and no one seemed to care.... and then in my dream it was the next day and I was walking home from work and couldn't stop having anxiety attacks thinking of all this new information that I just heard.... and I walked into the ladies house of the room I was renting and she said "Kaya, where were you? I heard what happened on Christmas and I was wondering when you were going to be home for dinner?".... In my dream I could feel my anxiety lesson and lesson and then I woke up.....

It helped me understand that what I am really wanting and what my ache in this is not my exAH so much as wanting someone to care if I am late, what happened in my day and ask what time I will actually be home for dinner. I have always played that part for others... and I think to some degree it has been my fault ( well mostly ) because I am always the strong one for my family...the advice giver... the person people go to when they want to share or talk... my employees lean on me for support ( or sometimes to get paid early which I do) they are great employees... my couples (brides and grooms) lean on me heavily for direction and guidance which I used to love for 15 years... It is very rare for me that I let someone in enough to take care of me. Growing up as amazing as my dad (and he is) he is the first to admit he doesn't reach out that often... I am the one who reaches out 95% of the time... same with my step mom and mom and step dad... ALL of them are there if I call them but just the daily interaction of family is something I have asked for from them and they just aren't those kinds of people... my sister is married and busy with her 2 kids ( although we are close ) my parents remarried when I was about 10 years old and just seemed busy with their work and spouses... and I always felt like the 3rd wheel in a lot of ways.... but when I was married to my exAH it was like for those years I had a partner and I think that is why I turned a blind eye to so much emotional abuse... I just wanted a partner and now I know I don't just want a partner but I want a partner that is well enough to take care of me, give back to me and dammit "ask me when I will be home for dinner too"..... It also taught me to start allowing more often the people in that do care more... and stop banging down the doors of the people that don't.... Maybe that was what the second dream represented... either way I felt it was a gift from God... Both those dreams....

Thank you all for listening

sage1969

The girl you were playing the game with, you accepted her and were kind to her and were laughing and having fun? It's so easy to be kind to a younger sister, a girl friend . . . what if that were you? Yourself? Your inner child? What if you could embrace and cherish and make her your friend also? Play and laugh and have fun?

LovelyKaya33333

I just got chills when you wrote that cause I was telling my roommate about the dream this morning and he said the exact same thing... well he said maybe that is the part you need to accept and let back into yourself maybe she is a part of you...