LovelyKaya33333

Hi Everyone.... I read through everyones comments and I am taking all of your advice and deleting the dating app I am on. I think I wanted to move on faster than I was ready for. I am over being with my exAH and I will have him blocked on everything moving forward. Even just the peace in one day that I feel of having him blocked since yesterday feels good. I think I was trying to move on because I felt like he took so much from me already ... my child bearing years, stress, emotional abuse, my step kids once I loved them... I have this memory in my head of the day he left. Crying on my bed... begging and pleading with him not to go... Begging him to at least let me wrap my head around what was going on and he just said no and left me there... in our home... full of most of his stuff, our stuff, the kids stuff.... having to sift through everything over the last several months has been tramatizing... Having to do a wedding less than a week after he left..is all just seems like a blur... I felt thrown away...I felt worthless and even though logically I see why and what he did it still just feels so unfair... And so many times where he poured salt on the wound since... Me paying for our entire divorce is an example... and I think in some ways, somewhere when he would reach out and send those video slideshows of us... somehow I thought he knew he had made a mistake. It gave me just a small level of feeling like it was worth it all somehow. I did all the things I was told to do to grieve... I went to therapy, I worked out, I got myself out of the house, I continued to keep on keeping on as they say but I think you guys are right... There is such a huge wound that comes from being married to an alcoholic... such a push and pull during the relationship... such a confusion of trying to "figure it all out"...

As tough as this weekend was it did show that I knew how to put up boundaries with the male friend I went to visit so I was proud of that and the pull away game my exAH played that pushed me over the edge in blocking him without guilt really helped. I am trying to find forgiveness in myself and understand that don't everyone will throw me away... I have read co dependent no more. I have done therapy and I have worked hard on myself. When does the trauma fade though... Is complete no contact the begining?

I felt I was doing really good up until this weekend. I suppose going through a miscarriage a few weeks ago ( not with my exAH ) , getting the let down of not getting my surgery done, this trip that I was taking to clear my head turned out to be a disaster and my exAH doing the whole "I made it clear I don't want to be with you when Ieft you".... (even though he had been saying things that felt otherwise).... Just it all kinda brought me to my knees and here I am again feeling lost again... I think I need to learn that it is ok to not be ok and to stop trying to just power through everything... If I am being honest with myself... 1/2 the time I don't feel ok... I mean 1/2 the time I do... but I need to allow this process to keep on keeping on... I just want it to be over if that makes sense. I want a healthy relationship some day... Please everyone keep praying for me... I feel like I am having a vulnerability hangover and I don't know how a person can work on themselves more than I have to be honest and I am scared that this will never truly be over ..... I mean that as I will always feel damaged by him and what we went through.... I just wish I could erase it all... I am just really sad today. Really sad... Thank you for listening

LovelyKaya33333

Side note: I think I also want to do some therapy focused on being married to a covert narcassist ... I am starting to believe the way he treated me may have been more abuse than I thought originally

woodlandlost

Hi,
I think you said it...delete the dating app...focus on slowing things down, look after yourself.

sage1969

I know everyone says this, but it really does take time to heal. Blocking and keeping no contact can give you a lot of peace, and space. You've done so much work in the past year -- it's one of those things that the work is on - going. Each time you see something in someone else, it is a mirror for what is going on with you, and so the work is on - going.

When you are ready, I think you will find that your positive energy will attract people you might want to befriend and / or date. I think deleting the dating apps is just another step in the work you've been doing.

You're in my prayers, that you're able to let go of and heal from the things that have made your heart heavy today.

dandylion

Kaya.....if I recall correctly, the day he left you in such a cruel manner---he had been drinking for the whole day, before it happened. Soaking drunk. When he sa id the recent crue l w ords---you deciphered that he had beenf drinking.
When people are drunk, they can and will say, and do, the most awful, outrageous, cruel and even unlawful things. As bad an any inagine can come up with.

Kaya...I have a suggestion---vow to yourself that you will never---never---never again, talk to an intolicated person. Intoxicated people have deranged brains.
If you were to mak e that one, simple, lifestyle change---I predict that your future will be free of much of the pain that you have endured in the past.
Allow ONLy non-addicted and mentally healthy people into your personal inner sanctum.

Triggered

'When does the trauma fade though... Is complete no contact the begining?'

Short answer....yes. I had a relationship with a narc... the trauma started to fade the very second I left and didnt look back...it was small increments, I didnt really appreciate it at the time but looking back, the day I made the decision to cut all ties it gave me the space I needed to begin the healing process. If you need to engage for practical reasons, keep it short and precise but just remember, you can not reason with madness, it will send you crazy too, and the sooner you accept this you can take back control of your own thoughts... the same thoughts he has been trying to control all along.

just a quick note on trauma.... trauma is not incidents that take place... those are traumatic incidents but not trauma...trauma is what continues in your head after traumatic incidents take place...and believe it or not that is good news as there are things you can do to redress it

ironwill

Hi Kaya,

You have been through a lot. You have been doing all the things that are supposed to help you move on: Reading, blocking, NC, therapy, getting out, working out. The hardest one for us all is the time. We want all this turmoil to be behind us as quickly as possible. Erased from our minds, but the trauma the alcoholic has embedded in us is sometimes deeper than we realize.

The trauma fades with time and no contact. The trauma fades when you are doing things that you like to do. Doing the things that put a smile on your face and in your heart. Sure the bad memories will pop up now and then, but with each passing day, they will also fade and be fewer and farther apart.

I know you feel lost and sad. Let us here be your lighthouse as you travel these rough waters. We will be that beacon of light that brings you back safely home to the life you want.

You will get through this. Keep focusing on yourself and doing all the things you were doing to bring you joy. Most of all keep being strong.

Bute

https://i.postimg.cc/HkpZKC5z/88ebbf...a8107a0e0a.jpg

Bute

Dang nabbit! It was meant to be an encouraging "pic".
you can still read it Kaya .
PS: I'll practice the photo thang
Much Love
Bute x

Bute

Kaya, you are stronger than you think!
Much Love
Bute x

trailmix

Yes, each and every time you two have had an exchange it sets you back. Don't ever feel yourself to "blame" for that. That's not helpful. What you're doing is normal, doesn't help you, but a normal response to a very abnormal situation.

Ideally he could own up to what he has done. Ideally he could make some sense. He can't do either of those things. It would no doubt help you if he could see what he did and truly apologize from the heart, but it's just not in him.

He is erratic at best.

If I had the exchange with him that you just did - ohhh we were wonderful and blah blah and then I said no, we can never be together! I would be furious. I don't think he's actually stringing you along so much as feeding his ego and being that erratic person. People who are ok in their thinking don't do things like that. Well maybe evil people do, I don't know, but his exchanges with you sound like the ramblings of a drunk to be honest. He hasn't changed, probably never will.

So, don't be too hard on yourself, I think you are further ahead in your healing than you think, but more time will help you feel more centered.

You've mentioned many times, when there has been n/c for a few days, how much better you feel and when there is contact how much worse you feel. It will just take some time now to get past this latest debacle.

I think the crux of this many times is that people (and I use "people" because I have seen this several times) had a person who was initially either sober or not so far down the path of alcoholism and they were close to them and could talk to them and felt connected to them on a pretty deep level. All of a sudden, or over years, that person evaporates. Everything is secondary to that bottle of alcohol. We think if we keep trying we can tap back in to "that person" we knew initially, or even a couple of years ago, but that part of them is so fully under wraps, it is unreachable. Might appear for moments (which makes a person hope) but then it's gone again.

It's a cruel situation. That is why it's so important to stay away from all that. That part of him is well and truly masked by alcohol.

Bekindalways

Hey Kaya, you really do have a steep learning curve in this. Accepting how much time it takes to recover and figure out why you chose such a person as your qualifier in the first place is a huge step that . . . . . yep . . . . takes time. Ugh,

The rule of thumb for both alcoholics and codependents is to give it a year from your last drink/contact before you make any major decisions. This includes getting into a relationship. It took me quite a bit longer than that. Everyone is different but the year is a nice thing to aim for.

It is frustrating that there is no counseling, mediation, exercise, activity that will suddenly cure you but it may well help as you get through the first year.

Enkbaa

Spot on!!! This is precious Bekindalways, it makes sense.I I believe your response will give lots of insights to many of us here at the moment :-)

Bekindalways

Kaya, how are you doing?

LovelyKaya33333

Hi... I just posted again. I went on a run today. Worked a bit... did laundry and was somewhat productive but inside I am just so angry. I am hurt too.... It is different though... it is like there is this little girl in me that wants to throw a fit and scream how unfair this all is... I don't want him back though... that has not waivered for some time now and I am very thankful for that ... But I think I am just mad at the world today or mad at God or lost in a lot of ways.... I am digging deeper and I am finding myself feeling so much resentment towards where my life is and then I feel like such a brat for feeling that way when things could be so much worse. But today in this moment I am sad that I will be 40 in 2 weeks. The things I have wanted most in my life since I can remember was a family... a husband, 2 kids ( maybe 3 ) some pets a modest small home... you know where the street lights come on and the kids come running in for dinner... That kind of thing and I feel like I fell so far away from that... I have no kids of my own and I have had multiple miscarriages , I don't have a husband or a boyfriend.... I miss so much being held or cuddled.... I really wanted the "boring home life"...not saying it is boring but I never had a huge disire to travel the world ( though I have been on a plane over 100 times)... but my friends say it best... I live my daily routine life like I am a mom and a wife... I just don't have the kids or husband... I don't want to go out to bars at night... the activity I enjoy the most is surfing which is somewhat of a solo thing... I have soooo many great friends... I love them so much... I am going to Maui in a week for my birthday to see my sister and nephews and we are doing a day long boat trip... I love the water and boats ect... so why is my heart still so angry? I wanted to badly to share my life with someone. My therapist I saw for a year and a half doesn't think i am co dependent and I really don't either... but I also want to be in a healthy relationship with a partner that is a friend and a lover and we talk about our days together... watch shows together and make meals together and maybe work out together... with most of my friends having this I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes.... I am thankful for my cat, my friends ( I literally have like 15 good friends I talk to each a few times a week), my sister and I have lost 10 lbs on my own recently... So I am happy for those things. I just also mad because I know you are all right and that I am not ready for a relationship but I can't help but be pissed that my exAH not only wasted my time while being married to him now I have to get focused and healthy all over again... I really don't want to grow old alone... I am hoping and praying for a better perspective tomorrow

Bekindalways

Thanks for responding Kaya. It seemed a bit that you hadn't posted.

I was thinking a bit about you recently and I'm kind of mad for you too. You seem like you have done so much in your life and taken a lot of the right steps. It shouldn't be this way . . . ugh . . . .and it is.

Your anger seems completely appropriate given the situation. Not a fun thing to feel at all; however pretty inevitable given what you have been going through.

I hope more will be revealed to you in the coming weeks and months and please share it if it is. If no huge revelations either keep posting and doing what you are doing. I so so hope that you get some joy, peace and healing out of all of this hard work.

LovelyKaya33333

You have no idea how much this meant to me tonight... for no real reason tonight has been sad. I had a miscarriage a little over 2 weeks ago **** yes yes I had a man I was sleeping with... ( I know not the best but was trying to move on in that way... didn't turn out well ) we only slept together a handful of times and I went in for surgery and literally while I was in my gown ready to get put under I got told that I was pregnant... I was like no way... I hadn't had sex in 2 months and I was on my period... turns out I was a little over 2 months pregnant and I wasn't on my period exactly I was miscarrying... So I went from a surgical center to the ER and was there the remainder of the evening. That was on 12/21 so I am finally feeling balanced out... I get it was my fault for getting pregnant but I was also told I was in early menopause and thought I was hardly ovulating so I was shocked when the surgeon came into the room and said I was pregnant. This was an elective surgery I was excited about, had saved up money for and had done all the pre ops for and took time off work for... so I went from thinking I was getting an elective surgery I was excited for to finding out I was pregnant to finding out I was 2 and a half months pregnant to sitting in the ER miscarrying and I was alone. I am sure it has a lot to do with my recent emotions as well as the divorce papers coming in the mail signed by the judge just days after this miscarriage. It just all feels like a lot... Sometimes I just want to go get drunk...but I know that won't help anything so for tonight I am drinking hot tea and watching Dr. Phil... Thank you again for being there for me

sage1969

That is a lot to go through, and to go through it all at the same time, well no wonder you've got so many strong emotions right now. I'd probably be angry, too.

LovelyKaya33333

Yea... It has been a very tough 8 months to say the least.... watching Dr. Phil helped... I don't know why but it reminded me of when I was a teenager and life was simple and I would watch it with my girlfriends after school...lol

Bekindalways

Ugh Kaya, life really is throwing a lot of crap at you. I'm so so sorry.

Divorce, miscarriage and peri-menopause all thrown at you at once. Not fun.

Keep taking that next right step.