PeacefulWater12

I am working to recover from my co-dependency issues learnt growing in an abusive alcoholic home. I think it is going well.

Anyways I post this with little smile on my face. Today I encountered a co-dependent person trying to "save" me.

He only knows a little of my situation as regards my AH passing away but his man tried to come charging in, telling me how to move forward in my life, exactly what I should do. Asking intrusive questions (which I did not answer).

He was in full "knight in shining armour on a white horse" mode!! Him launching into all sorts of unasked for advice.

I was laughing to myself as I recognised myself in him. Hopefully my old self not my updated self.

Thing was though, it was really irritating. REALLY IRRITATING. To have someone telling me what to do. It is my journey not his!

suki44883

I'm sure we've all done it with our qualifier with the best of intentions, but I'm also sure it was as irritating to them as this was for you.

Yeah, no one likes to be told what to do.

PeacefulWater12

Exactly! When I used to do it, I thought I was being kind and helpful! LOL!

I wasn't, I was being irritating!

Thanks for your reply, Suki

Payne9

Omg lol! Yep I can’t believe that I thought telling someone what to do was love lol! I’d hate that crap so much!!

least

Two of my daughters would like to 'fix' my life - one gently and kindly, one forcefully and bossy. I can tolerate the kind advice but the bossy daughter is too much. I don't think they realize how irritating it is to be told what's best for you.

SmallButMighty

I've worn holes in both those sets of shoes. *sigh*

It's soooo easy to spot "codependent" behavior in others now. I can easily deflect that kind of unwanted advice these days, now that I have teflon boundaries. It bothers me more when I see it happening between other people than when it gets directed at me. For example when I see how certain family members of mine interact, and I can see how damaging they are being to each other... it's so damn painful and (beyond) irritating to watch. Now if they'd just listen to me while I preached at them about how bad codependecy is, I could fix all their problems! ( BWhahahahahaha... just kidding! I don't do that, I know better...now)

My life is so much easier and less stressful since I no longer uninvitedly involve myself in other people's problems. What a self-imposed BURDEN my codependency was. All that exhaustion I never actually HAD to have. *sigh* Live and learn, I guess.

When we know better, we do better, thank goodness!!!

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for your replies Payne, Least and Small but Mighty.

Indeed what a heavy burden it was. Putting it down frees up so much time to enjoy life.

Have a good day all.

Bekindalways

Ugh. I see my wanting to "fix" people as arrogant. I'm also super insulted when people do it to me. I know little to nothing about others relative to what they know about themselves.

Peaceful, I do appreciate your posts.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you, Be Kind Always.

I have had this thought too, that it is arrogant to believe we know better than others.

Also often with co-dependent people, we are doing it to distract from the mess our own lives are in at the time. Sort someone else out rather than sort ourselves out. Much the same way as an addictive substance works. Numb out our own painful situation.

I write with a smile of a relative of mine many years ago trying to "save" me. She told me she would sort my romantic relationships out. Meanwhile she lived with an abusive alcoholic who was in and out of prison. So maybe not a person at the top of the list of who one might approach for wise advise!

Her need to "save" me was really because she was too overwhelmed to tackle her own situation.

I can see my conditioning that it was my role to save people was from my alcoholic parents always needing a scapegoat or someone else to blame about the state their lives were in, my late husband was the same. He always wanted me to take responsibility for everything as then he could blame me for his drinking. He used to flatter me and tell me how good I was at running our lives! That was manipulation.

I couldn't see it at the time, I just thought it was normal. What I thought was late husband being nice, was actually manipulation.

I am learning all the time, I am so grateful for it. My perspective changing and becoming more realistic, I feel. I hope.

Have a good day everyone.