How do I move on? Let go of the guilt?
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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How do I move on? Let go of the guilt?
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 4 years ago and I continued to stay in his life because I was naive. He is an alcoholic now and I’m finally beginning to realize how much he has damaged me.
He was my first love and felt like my soulmate, in a lot of ways he still does. We were best friends before we dated and I was in love with him even then.
I was heartbroken when we broke up, I think I was codependent for a lot of the relationship and also just was dealing with my own traumas. He meant the world to me but I was 17, it was my first relationship, and my whole world was full of unhealthy ones. I made a lot of mistakes that hurt him, but at the same time he didn’t tell me I was hurting him. If I knew I was hurting him I never would’ve. And I know this is true because the times he did tell me I made sure to never do it again. I still have trouble forgiving myself for this though.
Fast forward to now: He drinks anywhere from 5-20 beers a night and is not the man I fell in love with or my best friend. I was arguing with him constantly, begging him to reply to me, treat me better, and every time he would blame me. He would say I cared too much, he didn’t want to be close to me because of how I was in highschool, he accused me of trying to control or change him, yet he would still call me late in the night sometimes even up to 20 times, want to have sex with me. I felt so guilty, like how he was treating me was my fault.
My therapist finally had me write down every bad thing he did to me and it was eye opening. (WARNING sexual assault mention) some of the many things he did included:
- hanging out with my r*pist knowing what he did to me
- letting his friends harass me, threaten to beat me up
- hanging up on me when i called him crying after my close friend was murdered
- shoving me, shaking me, or squeezing my wrist till it hurt while i had back injuries he knew about
- blaming the downfall of his mental state on me, sex with me, or talking to me
I finally realized that I shouldn’t be begging him to treat me with kindness and respect. I am actively sacrificing my mental state for him to bulldoze over me and convince me I don’t deserve better. And the part that sucks is he was never like this before he drank. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and every once in a while I still catch glimpses of the man I love.
I messaged him that the way he treated me is abnormal. that I love him and I remember who he is but I have to protect myself so long as he’s drinking. and I blocked him on all social media. I unfortunately forgot to block his number and I got texts saying that he’s disgusted, asking me “if all I want is attention?” It made me feel so guilty like as if I was wrong for cutting him off. that I was wrong and it was all my fault he is this way. That I ruined his life not the alcohol and drugs.
When I asked him why he would say that he told me that it doesn’t matter and to no longer contact him like as if I’m the one who was trying to reach out.
I feel so guilty for not trying harder but i’ve been trying for years to be there for him. He makes me feel so invalidated and alone like i’m the the crazy one. I don’t know what to do or what to say or how to move on. I miss him so badly and I wanted to help him. I wish he saw how much I care about him. I don’t know what to do. It makes me want to reach out and apologize and take blame but I refuse to because I am trying to put myself first.
Please help, any advice is welcome.
He was my first love and felt like my soulmate, in a lot of ways he still does. We were best friends before we dated and I was in love with him even then.
I was heartbroken when we broke up, I think I was codependent for a lot of the relationship and also just was dealing with my own traumas. He meant the world to me but I was 17, it was my first relationship, and my whole world was full of unhealthy ones. I made a lot of mistakes that hurt him, but at the same time he didn’t tell me I was hurting him. If I knew I was hurting him I never would’ve. And I know this is true because the times he did tell me I made sure to never do it again. I still have trouble forgiving myself for this though.
Fast forward to now: He drinks anywhere from 5-20 beers a night and is not the man I fell in love with or my best friend. I was arguing with him constantly, begging him to reply to me, treat me better, and every time he would blame me. He would say I cared too much, he didn’t want to be close to me because of how I was in highschool, he accused me of trying to control or change him, yet he would still call me late in the night sometimes even up to 20 times, want to have sex with me. I felt so guilty, like how he was treating me was my fault.
My therapist finally had me write down every bad thing he did to me and it was eye opening. (WARNING sexual assault mention) some of the many things he did included:
- hanging out with my r*pist knowing what he did to me
- letting his friends harass me, threaten to beat me up
- hanging up on me when i called him crying after my close friend was murdered
- shoving me, shaking me, or squeezing my wrist till it hurt while i had back injuries he knew about
- blaming the downfall of his mental state on me, sex with me, or talking to me
I finally realized that I shouldn’t be begging him to treat me with kindness and respect. I am actively sacrificing my mental state for him to bulldoze over me and convince me I don’t deserve better. And the part that sucks is he was never like this before he drank. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and every once in a while I still catch glimpses of the man I love.
I messaged him that the way he treated me is abnormal. that I love him and I remember who he is but I have to protect myself so long as he’s drinking. and I blocked him on all social media. I unfortunately forgot to block his number and I got texts saying that he’s disgusted, asking me “if all I want is attention?” It made me feel so guilty like as if I was wrong for cutting him off. that I was wrong and it was all my fault he is this way. That I ruined his life not the alcohol and drugs.
When I asked him why he would say that he told me that it doesn’t matter and to no longer contact him like as if I’m the one who was trying to reach out.
I feel so guilty for not trying harder but i’ve been trying for years to be there for him. He makes me feel so invalidated and alone like i’m the the crazy one. I don’t know what to do or what to say or how to move on. I miss him so badly and I wanted to help him. I wish he saw how much I care about him. I don’t know what to do. It makes me want to reach out and apologize and take blame but I refuse to because I am trying to put myself first.
Please help, any advice is welcome.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome rkilli2! Very sorry to hear about your situation. He is really bad news and you deserve so much better! It's good that you went no contact and are beginning to stand up for yourself. Please cut him off completely.
Why would you feel guilty about cutting contact and stepping back that after all he and his friends have done to you? You don't need to try harder - he does. To work on his own stuff. He is not your problem. It sounds like he is alcoholic or alcohol dependent and it is a long road to recovery if he ever decides to work on his addiction. Just stopping drinking will not bring back the man you knew. He has issues that will take time to resolve.
Actually I do understand the guilt and always blame myself for relationship issues also. This is what we have to change. It does sound like you have developed codependent coping mechanisms - you are very focused on him at the expense of your own health and well-being.. Have you read Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty?
Others will be along shortly with more help. Glad you came here, read some of the other threads.
Why would you feel guilty about cutting contact and stepping back that after all he and his friends have done to you? You don't need to try harder - he does. To work on his own stuff. He is not your problem. It sounds like he is alcoholic or alcohol dependent and it is a long road to recovery if he ever decides to work on his addiction. Just stopping drinking will not bring back the man you knew. He has issues that will take time to resolve.
Actually I do understand the guilt and always blame myself for relationship issues also. This is what we have to change. It does sound like you have developed codependent coping mechanisms - you are very focused on him at the expense of your own health and well-being.. Have you read Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty?
Others will be along shortly with more help. Glad you came here, read some of the other threads.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
If I could go back to your age and give myself some advise, it would be to stay far away from folks with these issues now. Just find worth in yourself ( easy to say), but don’t end up in your mid50’s trying to figure it out. Grab life by the horns, go where you dictate it, not where some drunk dictates where they want to manipulate your life. Take this as a blessing and just get away. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m themid-50’s poster child with a minor child in the middle of it now. I’m telling you this from the mud, guts, and blood of the current fight. You’ve been given a cracked door to blow wide open and go out to flourish. DO IT!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Please consider if your therapist is helping you understand how to move forward and how
dysfunctional & damaging having any contact with this person is. Wishing you the best - you
deserve so much more.
The best thing you could do is go no contact with him and spend a few years (single, on your own)
learning how a healthy relationship works & why you deserve one. Your life will be so much
better if you do.
dysfunctional & damaging having any contact with this person is. Wishing you the best - you
deserve so much more.
The best thing you could do is go no contact with him and spend a few years (single, on your own)
learning how a healthy relationship works & why you deserve one. Your life will be so much
better if you do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by advbike 
Welcome rkilli2! Very sorry to hear about your situation. He is really bad news and you deserve so much better! It's good that you went no contact and are beginning to stand up for yourself. Please cut him off completely.
Why would you feel guilty about cutting contact and stepping back that after all he and his friends have done to you? You don't need to try harder - he does. To work on his own stuff. He is not your problem. It sounds like he is alcoholic or alcohol dependent and it is a long road to recovery if he ever decides to work on his addiction. Just stopping drinking will not bring back the man you knew. He has issues that will take time to resolve.
Actually I do understand the guilt and always blame myself for relationship issues also. This is what we have to change. It does sound like you have developed codependent coping mechanisms - you are very focused on him at the expense of your own health and well-being.. Have you read Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty?
Others will be along shortly with more help. Glad you came here, read some of the other threads.
Why would you feel guilty about cutting contact and stepping back that after all he and his friends have done to you? You don't need to try harder - he does. To work on his own stuff. He is not your problem. It sounds like he is alcoholic or alcohol dependent and it is a long road to recovery if he ever decides to work on his addiction. Just stopping drinking will not bring back the man you knew. He has issues that will take time to resolve.
Actually I do understand the guilt and always blame myself for relationship issues also. This is what we have to change. It does sound like you have developed codependent coping mechanisms - you are very focused on him at the expense of your own health and well-being.. Have you read Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty?
Others will be along shortly with more help. Glad you came here, read some of the other threads.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
If I could go back to your age and give myself some advise, it would be to stay far away from folks with these issues now. Just find worth in yourself ( easy to say), but don’t end up in your mid50’s trying to figure it out. Grab life by the horns, go where you dictate it, not where some drunk dictates where they want to manipulate your life. Take this as a blessing and just get away. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m themid-50’s poster child with a minor child in the middle of it now. I’m telling you this from the mud, guts, and blood of the current fight. You’ve been given a cracked door to blow wide open and go out to flourish. DO IT!!!!
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
So one theory about soul mates is that you are together for a purpose, but not necessarily meant to be life partners. Sometimes it is to resolve karma or to learn a life lesson, and then you're meant to let go. So for whatever perspective you believe you felt a bond (whether from codependency, a trauma bond, and / or a karma / soulmate bond), know that you can give yourself permission to let go of what no longer serves you, learn from the experience, heal, and move forward.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear rkilli
At my age, 62, I try to avoid ignoring the red flags. For me, this means avoiding a relationship with people who drink at all. If they pick up drink #1, that is a deal breaker for me.
I am sorry for your pain, and for the situation. You have come to the right place here among us.
At my age, 62, I try to avoid ignoring the red flags. For me, this means avoiding a relationship with people who drink at all. If they pick up drink #1, that is a deal breaker for me.
I am sorry for your pain, and for the situation. You have come to the right place here among us.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: United States
Posts: 6
I'm going to say something and it might sting a little bit and I clearly don't mean to be hurtful--he's an abuser. It's not just the drinking part, he is abusive. I lived it and I know how you are feeling and the guilt that overcomes you because you have tried so very hard to be a good partner and to be there for him and make it all better. Here's the thing, it's not your fault that he does what he does. He has responsibility and accountability for his actions toward you and for his drinking.
The trauma bond mentioned above? That's a good place to start thinking about why you feel the way that you do. Trauma bonding is very real.
This one is also going to sting a little bit, but I hope you will think about it. The man you love is not really there. You love what you remember of "the good days" and if he's drinking and behaving badly toward you, that is not the same person. This one was definitely hard for me to wrap my head around (and once in a while I still struggle).
It's easy for all of us to say "block him and move on" and it's hard for you to read those words, much less take action. We say that because you deserve better. Lots of love to you.
The trauma bond mentioned above? That's a good place to start thinking about why you feel the way that you do. Trauma bonding is very real.
This one is also going to sting a little bit, but I hope you will think about it. The man you love is not really there. You love what you remember of "the good days" and if he's drinking and behaving badly toward you, that is not the same person. This one was definitely hard for me to wrap my head around (and once in a while I still struggle).
It's easy for all of us to say "block him and move on" and it's hard for you to read those words, much less take action. We say that because you deserve better. Lots of love to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
I think first loves are always really hard to get over and given your age, it's natural. I do think you need to look up trauma bonding. I have had it happen to me too, it's really weird to be so giving and caring to someone who in turn abuses you but it is a real phenomenon.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Kokoro
I think first loves are always really hard to get over and given your age, it's natural. I do think you need to look up trauma bonding. I have had it happen to me too, it's really weird to be so giving and caring to someone who in turn abuses you but it is a real phenomenon.
I was a mess for many months, but I reached out to my therapist, got back on antidepressants, read a LOT about alcoholism, came here...
Trust me when I tell you that this feeling, as hard as it is, will pass. There will be progress every day, but some occasional setbacks. Don't waste any more time on him. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but it's true, even if he has some great qualities. I'll never get back the four years that I spend on my soulmate, and I have a lot of regrets.
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