elihoping

It happened a few months ago. I moved to a new country a couple of years ago. I largely stopped going to AA. I decided over the summer to see if anything had changed. Could I drink again. I've been drinking since that night. Nothing terrible has happened so far (so far being the important part of that sentence). I've had some success with moderating. But I'm not happy and drinking isn't the answer. I got sober with this site and AA but tbh, I think I did a lot of my recovery for other people. I wanted my therapist and my sponsor to think I was doing well. But I wasn't really putting in the work to build a new life. I wasn't practicing the steps in my day to day life. I was really just paying them lip service. Doing just enough work and going to just enough meetings so my sponsor didn't drop me.

In some ways, I don't regret the relapse. I spent most of the past 8 years being quite unhappy and wondering why the sober people around me were moving on with their lives. Whereas I was just using any non-drinking method to numb out. Hours online, obsessing about work, living in my head - pretty much anything to stop feeling my feelings. To me that is the insanity of addiction - the lengths that I'll go to to avoid my feelings and yet I end up in so much more pain.

Anyway, today is day 1 again. I'm going to throw myself into AA and do the work for me. I don't want to die having just lived a life of total misery and that's where I'm heading if I don't make changes. Love this site and I'm going to start spending more time here again.

nez

Your relapse story sounds so much like mine, which happened at 5 years
Yeah sounds real familiar. This time, I actually worked and live the steps. I now have 18 years and the differences in my life and outlook are night and day compared to prior sober time. It is hard to explain, but for me there is a difference between sober and recovery. Recovery is beyond words. What I was seeking, was seeking me, and we have met. What a concept! Congrats on the first day of your new life!

GramCracker25

Elihoping, so glad you made it back. This serves as a reminder to me that no matter how much sober time one has, it's no guarantee for lifelong success. Thank you for posting and stay close to SR!

Anna

Elihoping, it sounds like you've learned a lot during the past 8 years of recovery and that you are now ready to get back to sobriety and work hard on your recovery.

TroubleAfoot

First of all congratulations on eight years. That is an epic stretch of time. Second of all I can completely relate to what you are saying. At six months sober I am a toddler at this, shaky on my feet, and have learned, quite recently and somewhat painfully, that quitting drinking is only the first step to the much greater process of becoming self actualized. Of dealing with myself, my insecurities, my shame, my suffering and all the other reasons why I was drinking in the first place. I'm not seeing the rate of progress that I had expected, that I need, because the really heavy lifting comes after the quitting. I am finding that, besides needing a plan for how I am going to stay sober I also, very much, need a well crafted plan for how I am to move forwards and grow as quickly as possible. And then I need to implement that plan. It is one thing to have a plan but quite another to put it into action. I have been planning on being a better man for most of my adult life yet it is only recently that I am actually, actively trying to do just that

You, very quickly, have absorbed the lesson of your relapse. You know what you need to do.

Dee74

I’m really glad you made it back elihoping

D

Steely

It happens elihoping.

I drank after 5 years and like you, simply stayed sober, I didn't really get the rest, and did little real 'work'. Not completely my fault, I didn't know how. I don't regret that relapse either, because in hindsight, I learned from it.

Better if I had the skills then, but I did not. I'm now nearly 2 years sober and things are a lot different this time around. Forming a relationing with myself, not alcohol, or what it pretends to offer.

Such a much better way to live. Peace with self.

I'm glad you made it back too elihoping.

elihoping

You guys are the best. Thank you all so much for your kind words. Despite my lurking hangover, today is the happiest and most hopeful I've felt in a long time. I'm excited to start this new chapter in my recovery. Lots of love to you all.

BeABetterMan

Very poignant post. I can relate a lot except for the 8 years of sobriety lol. Hit some meetings. Set some goals. Meet some sober people and get out of your head.

Evoo

You seem to realize that this relapse doesn’t erase the progress of the last eight years. That’s such an important perspective. You’ve also seen how empty and joyless forced moderation is for an alcoholic (especially successful moderation). I’m the same way. It’s not that I can’t occasionally moderate with enough willpower, it’s just not worth it.

And lastly, most importantly, you’ve realized you are unhappy. Beyond AA, consider some general therapy to address what could be depression.

Hang in there and glad you are here!

DriGuy

This comes up quite often in the forum. It is constantly repeated that we have to do this for ourselves. I agree wholeheartedly that that evolves into the most solid sobriety, but I'll cut you some slack in doing it for others too, even if it's only for the purpose of impressing your sponsor. It got you 8 years, but did not totally solve the problem. When those people are gone, who's there to give you the attaboys and pats on the back?

In all honesty, I felt satisfaction in showing the doubters of my self made program of recovery that I would stay sober while they kept climbing back onto the wagon only to fall off again. Yes it was fun showing them I could do it my way, but at times, along with the pride, I felt twinges of guilt for my less than gracious motivation.

But I don't want to sell myself short either, because under that need to do it for the "sake" of others, there was a much stronger personal concern about my own self worth, wanting to get better, wanting to stop the struggle that pervaded so much of my life, all the while fully realizing how much alcohol and been taking away from me. And I'm going to speculate that doing it for myself was what propelled me to my 25 years, and did so with ease and joy along the way. Even the work that was required produced immeasurable amounts of self satisfaction.

I call building a new life "doing personal growth." I was always conscious of the importance of that, but sobriety opens up more opportunities, enlarges the playing field, and allows us to develop skills we didn't know were there. We may already have sensed our potential for those skills, even if we didn't yet know exactly what they were, how they felt, or how to use them. But I discovered much more faster sober than I did drunk. Well duh!?

And really, once you get sober, what then? What are you going to do now? Personal growth answers that question, and it goes on for the rest of your life, so there's always more to look forward to and be grateful for. I focus on others more now, but now its more about enjoying them rather than impressing them. There seems to be a kind of an expiration date on what you can get by impressing others. Impressing them begins to wear thin because it requires too much work that isn't really necessary.