New Comer with Loved One Addiction/Divorce
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 32
New Comer with Loved One Addiction/Divorce
Hello - I am new to this site and not sure where to begin with my post so I will apologize now if this is not the right thread.
I am 49 and my husband soon to be ex is 54 - we have been married 20 years with a great ilfe (no kids). I knew he had a temper and liked to drink beer so in April 2017 thru May 2018 he had an emotional affair (with another married women who had all kinds of problems), then his bicep tore and then he had a tumor on his kidney that grew up into his inferior vena cava) - we started counseling and he did not like the person and said he was ok. Dec 2019 he started calling another girl and they talked and texted until I busted him May 2020 with his burner phone. He apologized said he loved me started counseling and then April 2021 told me he wanted out - said he was not happy and did not know why but was not in love with anything in his life. His drinking increased by double from 2017 through current and then he started getting beer on his way home from work and then was taking beer out to his hunting blind and was always drinking. He has lied to me so much that I really do not know the truth and he has said said many hurtful things to me over the past year during counseling that does not make any sense (I never loved him, I did not value him, I order dinners for him when we go out, our dog is lazy, he complains about our friends and family). He comes from an alcoholic family (parents/siblings/uncles/grandparents)
I have loved him more than life itself and I thought we were building a life together and I was willing to work through all this with him but he would not do marriage counseling - he just wanted to leave the marriage. The only thing he recently said to me was he didnt want to die a drunk or loser and he needs alot of help and one day he will get there. I said to him you look me in the eyes and tell me you dont love me anymore and he said he wont and cant. He says its not me but all him. I do not even understand any of this and my heart and world is shattered, He says he needs to figure out why he keeps hurting people. How can someone walk away from 20 years and destroy his marriage and wife at the same time?
All of our friends and family cannot believe what is happening and no one understands why he is the one wanting out when it should have been me that kicked him out years ago but I dont quit and give up on people.
Any advice/support is appreciated! Thank You
I am 49 and my husband soon to be ex is 54 - we have been married 20 years with a great ilfe (no kids). I knew he had a temper and liked to drink beer so in April 2017 thru May 2018 he had an emotional affair (with another married women who had all kinds of problems), then his bicep tore and then he had a tumor on his kidney that grew up into his inferior vena cava) - we started counseling and he did not like the person and said he was ok. Dec 2019 he started calling another girl and they talked and texted until I busted him May 2020 with his burner phone. He apologized said he loved me started counseling and then April 2021 told me he wanted out - said he was not happy and did not know why but was not in love with anything in his life. His drinking increased by double from 2017 through current and then he started getting beer on his way home from work and then was taking beer out to his hunting blind and was always drinking. He has lied to me so much that I really do not know the truth and he has said said many hurtful things to me over the past year during counseling that does not make any sense (I never loved him, I did not value him, I order dinners for him when we go out, our dog is lazy, he complains about our friends and family). He comes from an alcoholic family (parents/siblings/uncles/grandparents)
I have loved him more than life itself and I thought we were building a life together and I was willing to work through all this with him but he would not do marriage counseling - he just wanted to leave the marriage. The only thing he recently said to me was he didnt want to die a drunk or loser and he needs alot of help and one day he will get there. I said to him you look me in the eyes and tell me you dont love me anymore and he said he wont and cant. He says its not me but all him. I do not even understand any of this and my heart and world is shattered, He says he needs to figure out why he keeps hurting people. How can someone walk away from 20 years and destroy his marriage and wife at the same time?
All of our friends and family cannot believe what is happening and no one understands why he is the one wanting out when it should have been me that kicked him out years ago but I dont quit and give up on people.
Any advice/support is appreciated! Thank You
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Hi and Welcome, I'm sorry for your situation. I know it's hard, but I think your husband is telling you his feelings. He says he's not happy with anything in his life, he doesn't want couples counselling, he's drinking a lot and he's had a couple of emotional affairs. He also seems to acknowledge his problems with alcohol and knows that he wants to change that. I hope that he seeks support for himself. I also think it would be good for you to focus on yourself and maybe consider AlAnon meetings in your town as a support for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 32
also after we were in court he broke down in tears telling me he was sorry for what he did to us and what he did to me. He also said that he is dealing with alot of demons. I just feel like he is running from all his problems and being a coward/coppout?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, he's on his own self-destructive path.
Let go or be dragged is something that comes to mind.
You cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved, and I know from experience that a depressed addicted man is not going to make a good life partner. Of course you hope he gets better - but maybe hope that from a safe distance.
Let go or be dragged is something that comes to mind.
You cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved, and I know from experience that a depressed addicted man is not going to make a good life partner. Of course you hope he gets better - but maybe hope that from a safe distance.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,455
We can't hold people who don't want to be held. It's his right as an adult to run from his problems instead of facing them.
Letting go is not the same thing as giving up. You have done more than is reasonable to save this marriage. I know it hurts terribly, but accepting it for what it is is the first step to moving on.
Letting go is not the same thing as giving up. You have done more than is reasonable to save this marriage. I know it hurts terribly, but accepting it for what it is is the first step to moving on.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 637
I hope things get better for you and your husband. The counseling is a good path I too deal with obstacles with my partner. A outside view of things especially from a professional can bring alot of clarity and possibly provide a healthy path with healthy boundaries. To help move you forward with this obstacle. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I think you deserve a lot better than this, personally. Interested to hear what the counselor said when he said some of those awful things. I hope it was validating for you and that the counselor did not try to create moral equivalency between everything. I am very sorry for all the pain you are in. But it really really doesn’t sound like the pain will lessen if you stay with him. Big hugs.
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