Jillian2563

Mother natures knows this. My body knows this. And my body did exactly what Mother Nature intended the first time I ever drank, which was throw up uncontrollably. I had only drank 3 Zimas. I was 15 or so. I had a horrible hangover for two days. So why didn’t my brain get the memo is was poison and to never drink it again? I guess because the taste was “pleasant” and masked with sugar and juices.

Now I could drink up to 10 beers and feel “fine” (meaning not throw up). My body has had to adjust for the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed over the years because if it didn’t, I’d be dead.

I’m actually really lucky to be alive despite all the **** I’ve put myself through. And I can’t do it (drink) anymore. The panic attacks are unreal the day after. I will be in a mental institution if I continue. I have so much to live for. Why can’t my brain get on board with the fact that it’s a poison? I just wish I didn’t crave the ****.

Thanks for reading.

Mizz

It is the times that you described that bring us to removing alcohol from our lives. It takes what it takes. Sometimes it takes far more than we ever really want. I didn't get sober after the first wretched hangover and I didn't get sober after the 100th hangover or even the 500th hangover...... I got sober when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and knowing that I could not control the situation. I simply could not control it. Not one tiny bit.

I worked real hard to moderate. I worked even harder to pretend I didn't have an issue with alcohol. I mean I get an A+++ for trying all the various ways of having alcohol in my life.

It shouldn't be a big deal to remove it and move on but it is a GIANT deal when we have an addiction. Addiction is mighty mighty powerful. Once the alcohol is out of the body we have to deal with our minds and all the little tricks it plays to get the substance back into our bodies. Least says you got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. This is one of the truest statements I have heard. It makes so much more sense the longer I am sober.

Welcome back, Jillian.

Anna

Jillian, I can relate to the horrible panic attacks the day after drinking.

Denial is a huge part of alcoholism. But, you can get past that.

doggonecarl

Logic doesn't work with addiction. The horrors we suffer aren't don't keep us from drinking. I never had a hangover so bad I wouldn't drink afterwards. It was like I could endure incredible misery.

But I couldn't handle the slightest discomfort of being sober. Didn't make sense. Had to take my brain out of the equation.

Dee74

I worked hard at staying drunk all the time and at trying to find the sweet spot between buzz and loss of control.
I accepted that sweet spot did not exist for me.

I had to work equally as hard not to drink.
I had to reflect the acceptance I had that I was not able to drink alcohol without it overwhelming my life.

I built a plan and a support network and I used them when I wanted to drink.

I changed the things in my life that made it easy for me to drink.

Its not an easy thing to do - especially in the beginning - but it is simple.
Do not raise the glass to your lips, no matter what.

D

advbike

Jillian, have you read Alcohol Explained by William Porter?

So helpful to understand the answers to the questions you are asking. Knowledge is power.

Jillian2563

Yes, I just finished it last week. There’s are the books I’ve read, in order (that I remember)

Allen Carr - Easy Way to Control Alcohol (loved this one and I grasp everything! Although the cognitive dissonance is still there)

Annie Grace - This Naked Mind

Kevin O’Hara - How to stop Drinking Alcohol

Craig Beck - Alcohol Lied to me

Holly Whitaker - Quit like a Woman

William Porter - Alcohol explained

There are a couple more I know I’m missing.

Again, I agree and an understand every point. But somehow I still want to drink sometimes when the 5 o’clock hour hits?!! Ugh.

Mizz

Of course you still want to drink. The AV wants alcohol. The addiction wants to be fed. I think most people experience those thoughts in the beginning of getting sober. Even though the thoughts come and the urge comes it is what we do with it that will make or break the situation.

A lot of this in the beginning is about fighting the urge and finding a different road to walk when the urge comes. Using tools to help us through the urge, anxiety, justifications, etc. Its real hard hard work. The hard work really sucks at times. Wanting and doing are two different things. You are more powerful than your thoughts and urges.

Jillian2563

I just wish the wanting to NOT drink would happen already. I hate feeling like two different people. One that hates alcohol but yet wants to drink it. I can’t believe I ever got myself into this mess. But I can’t dwell on the past.

alphaomega

To piggyback on what Mizz said, it also makes really really difficult to mentally pair the despair of addiction, with the constant barrage of advertising that "BOOZE IS FUN FUN FUN !!!".

Its subliminal programming at its finest.

Glad your back

Mizz

I understand the sentiment. A time machine would be cool!

The journey is hard. For the first few months or so I was chopping wood and carrying water and it was exhausting.

A lot of rough days. A lot of internal stuff that needed sorting out. A lot of wanting to get better and hoping I would get better and not knowing if I would get better. I noticed a difference around 3 months.

Posting here and asking for support is so beneficial. Post daily. Join a thread. I hop on the sober bus every morning.
There is a monthly class. A 24 hr thread. You can start your own thread. Find the solution to get yourself through the urge and wanting. You wont always be in the "want" to drink mode. Solutions. Solutions. Solutions.

biminiblue

I believe this is the wrong wish.

It's like praying for patience. I found when I prayed for patience, I was suddenly presented with an overwhelming amount of problems.


Praying for acceptance works lots better. I may be presented with problems but I don't waste time fighting them and saying, "Why???" but I accept that it has happened and work for a solution.

As far as drinking thoughts, I'm over seven years sober and I still get the thoughts now and then. It's easier to dismiss them than it was in the beginning but I've long ago accepted that those thoughts are part of my psyche now. I created them by habitual drinking. Habitually escaping my reality. Running to a bottle every time *any* thing happened that was not what I expected.

When I accept them instead of being frustrated by them I can find ways around them.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.

Jillian2563

I truly believe that one day I can sync my subconscious with conscious so that it won’t be “just a part of my pysche” anymore. For example, I was once a huge pot smoker. So much that I would say I was addicted and had a really hard time stopping. But had to for legal reasons. Once I did something changed (after a while) and now I could literally take it or leave it, which mostly means leave it because I don’t smoke at all. I think about it sometimes but then I don’t really have the urge to so I don’t. I truly believe I can repair my addicted mine, I just haven’t found the way yet. But I won’t stop trying.

I hope all that made sense. I’ll check back later, on my way to AA.

novips

You ask: Why can’t my brain get on board with the fact that it’s a poison? The answer may be that you're a real alcoholic -- and a real alcoholic (as defined below) simply can't stay away from alcohol on willpower alone.

Specifically, and as I understand it, the real alcoholic suffers from 3 intertwined diseases: (1) a physical allergy that manifests as a physical craving for more after alcohol is ingested; (2) a mental obsession that leads the alcoholic to pick up the first drink time and time again despite all objective reasons not to -- and, importantly, they do this while completely sober; (3) a spiritual malady that places the solution of the problems created by (1) and (2) beyond the power of mere will. For me and other alcoholics like me, it appears the only solution can be found in Alcoholics Anonymous. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

Jillian2563

My sponsor and I just talked about this after the meeting.

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, Jillian.

Lots of good advice above.

Have you tried AVRT; I believe program that utilizes a lot of mind training.

https://hams.cc/avrt/

TammyDHU882

It really is incredible how this illness takes complete control of our minds and makes us do or say things that we never would in our right minds. I am realizing that my problems are still going to be there whether I am drinking or not. Obviously I know that if I get well I can handle the same problems a lot easier than when I am sick; therefore for me the best thing to do is to pray for strength. Fear no longer has to drive every move I make and no it's far from easy. One book that I bought recently is "Why you drink and how to stop: Journey to Freedom" by Veronica Valli. She goes into detail discussing the idea that this is a 3-part disease: physical addiction, psychological craving and obsession, and spiritual illness. How true are these words and I deeply appreciate the wonderful job she did on explaining it on every level. And as always: it is best to get this knowledge from someone who has experienced it herself!!!

DriGuy

After about a year of drinking, when my hangovers gradually became like normal hangovers, I was proud of myself for becoming an experienced drinker. Years later I read that alcohol changes how our bodies which then begin to demand, rather than reject alcohol. Like you, I should have understood that intuitively, but I doubt most of us understand that until we begin to suffer the longer term consequences, and then we are so wrapped up in denial, that we don't make the connections until we realize our lives have become unwound and how hard it is to quit at this point.