Mimzical

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I am not in a good place right now.

I have been in a relationship for 4 years and things were great and not only was he my partner but he was also my best friend.

The snag has always been his drinking. His nightly routine will be to go to the pub straight after work and drink a few pints before returning home where he will finish a four pack of beer followed by a bottle of wine. I used to drink a lot with him but for the last year I have pretty much stopped drinking all together, firstly I realised it was not good for my own mental well-being but also my behaviour was condoning his drinking.

He has always been a heavy drinker even before we met but it has become increasingly apparent that he is dependent on alcohol. He is a high functioning alcoholic - he has a very well paid job, everyone at the pub thinks he is a ‘good laugh’ but he has become increasingly irratic in his behaviour recently that has been solely directed towards me.
When things are good they have been great but when an argument happens they can get ugly. I admit I am a stubborn and defensive person and am certainly not blameless in these arguments but he has become increasingly irrational and angry over very strange things and I feel I have been walking on eggshells.

I have lived in his house where he pays the mortgage for the last 3 years. I have treated it as my home, I pay him ‘rent’ every month, I have invested my savings in order to renovate but on a handful of occasions he has lashed out and told me he wants to break up and I must leave his house immediately. This is devastating for me- I consider it my home and I am heartbroken when he behaves like this and have felt a huge betrayal of trust. He even did this to me on my birthday this year- we have a dog together who developed a limp and he booked the vet appointment at a time where I had a meeting for work. I wanted to go with him but said I could not guarantee I could move the meeting so he may have to go on his own and he flipped, shouted at me and told me I didn’t love the dog enough, gave me the silent treatment and carried it on to my birthday where he said I didn’t deserve any birthday presents and demanded I leave the house. After a grand apology from him several days later and promises that he will never do it again we kissed and made up, I returned home and we bumbled along together relatively happily.

He finally announced 2 weeks ago that he was going to give up alcohol and I hoped things would really improve. Instead, the opposite happened and he turned into a monster literally overnight after giving up the booze. He made my life hell after this announcement - He picked random fights, dragging up old arguments from months ago (including the incident about the vet), criticised the housework that I have done (I am the only one that actually does the cooking and cleaning because he is down the pub) and went out of his way to be as nasty and as unpleasant as possible. After a week of this behaviour he told me he no longer wanted to be with me and that now he was sober he had realised how horrible I was and wanted me to leave his house immediately.

Luckily my mum lives close by and will always let me stay so I packed up a few things and left but I am devastated at losing my home and the man that I loved (which incidentally is not the monster that appeared overnight). Since then, he demanded I pack everything and leave within 3 days or my things will get thrown outside in the rain. When picking up my stuff there were beer bottles around again so he had clearly started drinking again. He has managed to give me back the money I invested in the house - he referred to it as ‘blood money’ and also knocked off £100 because I left a few boxes that he had to dispose of. He then announced he was blocking me from his phone (even though I had not responded to any of his demanding texts).

Things have been difficult for me recently- my dad passed away a few months ago, I very recently had a miscarriage which was pretty brutal. My work has been horrendously stressful but all in all I have tried to hold my head up high and I think I have coped
pretty well considering. But this has flawed me, I now feel like I have lost everything- my partner, my home, my dog, my dad, my dreams of having a family. I am in absolute pieces. I feel shellshocked and don’t understand what the hell has happened for everything to fall apart so quickly.

I still bloody love him despite all this and know I am fool for doing so. It has all ended so abruptly with no proper explanation from him as to why he suddenly was so angry about everything that I am really hoping someone out there can help me begin to make sense of what has happened so that I can even begin to move forward with my life. I feel such a mess, I so desperately need your help to understand. Please.

velma929

The explanation is in itself simple - but not easy to absorb. The booze comes before everything else, and having a relationship with you interfered with drinking as much as he wanted.

Of course, normal people (like you) mourn the end of a relationship, no matter how it ends: with a lover who 'falls out of love' or a death, or perhaps a deal-breaker rears it's ugly head (one wants children, one doesn't; one planned on having a stay-at-home spouse, the other has no intention of doing so). And you're not a fool. if people could turn their feelings on and off like faucets, many teenagers would find themselves homeless when they started acting insufferable to their parents. He is probably hurting too, and as you have seen, anesthetizing himself with booze.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Being sad about the end of a relationship is natural, and you're losing the home you've lived in and your beloved pet as well. That's a lot to absorb. I wish there was something I could write that would make things easier, but really, I can't think of anything. Except maybe - my late husband's behavior wasn't that dramatic, and I spent 25 years with him, many of being treated like a second-class citizen because my presence interfered with his drinking. So, you've spent 21 fewer years trying to make a relationship work when it was never going to.

trailmix

Hi mimzical, sorry for the situation you are in. As for your ex, he is an alcoholic. Maybe "high functioning" now, but high functioning is just a description of a stage of alcoholism, not a type.

Maybe this is a sign that it is progressing. He probably thinks he can just quit drinking and all will be well. Being sober is one thing, recovery is another thing. He was maybe sober for a few days but certainly not in recovery. An addict simply without their drug is miserable, as you have seen.

He kept asking you to leave your home, that's miserable for you, I'm sure he was really sorry afterward but that doesn't help you really. Alcoholics can be erratic, addiction makes people behave in odd ways. Sure his pub buddies think he is great fun, they are all drinking too and they don't care if he is an alcoholic or not. They are not waking on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat. He just wants to drink, he obviously is not relationship material and perhaps realizes that now.

I really hope you will read the other threads in this forum, there is probably much you can relate to here. I'm also sure you love him. You can love someone, doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with him, doesn't mean he is good for you.

The most important thing right now is to look after yourself, focus on yourself, eat well, sleep when you can, try to be around people you care about and care about you, do things you enjoy (even if you may not feel like it right now).

Achnasheen

Hi Mimzical
you are not a fool! Be kind and gentle with yourself. You need some time to process what has happened; time to grieve your losses. My heart goes out to you. You've been treated very badly - even before he stopped drinking!
Myself, I had the hardest time understanding that my AH is both the man who is loving, generous, and fun and he is also the man who treats me badly, likes to scare me, "motivates" through anger, and gets revenge in various ways if I don't do what he wants. I can't just have the man I fell in love with, I get the abusive guy too. I kept thinking he would stop being abusive; I've finally realized - after almost 30 years of it- that he will never stop, and it just progressively gets worse. I'm working on a gtfo plan, but it's not easy to get out.
There's many supportive people here, who will help you gain clarity. Keep coming back! (((Hugs)))

Mimzical

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. I honestly cannot put into words how much it means ti me, thank you so much.

@velma929 thank you for your loveliness and I am sorry to hear your story. Did you manage to get out of it?

@trailmix I think you really hit on something when you said this is a sign of things progressing, I hadn’t really realised this but I think you are right, this feels like a turning point where I suspect he could keep falling further down the rabbit hole. It feels so sad when it’s someone you love. I wish I could make it all better somehow. I will certainly take you advice and read more on this forum.

@Achnasheen it really does feel like Jekyll and Hyde when they are so loving and the most amazing person and then they turn into something unrecognisable. I always had a pre-conceived notion that alcoholics were only bad when they were drunk and it was the physical alcohol making them behave that way but I am finding it more unpredictable than that. I really hope you find your way out of your situation and get that happiness you deserve. Sending you millions of hugs xx

velma929

Awww, Mimzical, I never had the guts to leave - came close twice, and once I got to that point, (literally the same day) he told me he had lung cancer. The prognosis was that he had two years, give or take, but he died six weeks later.

sage1969

I'm so sorry for why you are here. I'm glad that you have found this support group. I'm certain it must be so painful losing your partner and best friend in one go. I'm hoping that remembering the good times when things were great helps you, but please remember also the reason things are the way they are now: your ex partner is an alcoholic and things were not always great.

This is a lesson I learnt early on, from my family of origin then two AHs: the person drinking is a different person when sober. I'm relatively new here at SR, as my XABF, after 1 1/2 years showed me what he was like sober. It was the first time I'd ever seen or spoken to him without him holding a drink. I realised I was in for a lifetime of heartbreak with the health issues that he was developing, and I was wondering if I even liked the sober version. He wasn't very thoughtful, and he spoke very sharply to me, this from a man I'd always thought of as creative and gentle.

Why your XAP treated you this way is anyone's guess, and it doesn't have to make sense. Alcoholic brains rarely work well or logically or consistently. But it doesn't make any of what he told you true, and I think it's important that you recognise that your version of what happened is the important version for you.

I'm so sorry that you've had to face all of this in so little time. As hard as it is to start new, you are getting a chance to build this life of which you've been dreaming. You still have *you*, and that is the important thing. You have your job, you can rebuild savings, you can achieve your dreams. It does hurt knowing you've had to let go of the dreams of a family with your partner; however, would you have wanted to raise children in that kind of home, with someone as unpredictable, a "monster" when he feels like it?

It's sometimes really hard to understand or come to terms with all of this when you haven't had any closure. I wish I could say it would help, but after going no contact with my XABF, whom I do love very much, the closure has had to come from me taking a good hard look at my codependency issues, my own addiction issues, and my realisation that XABF is the only one who can deal with his disease.

What has helped me:
* read all the stickies in the groups, and the articles in the resource library;
* read Codependent No More, Melody Beattie;
* remember the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it; and
* remember JADE: don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (with others and with yourself).

dandylion

Mim.....you must be a very tenacious person---as, you are still standing, after all of that.
I realize that you can't possibly realize it, right now---but, I promise that you will, sometime in the future---And it is that you have not lost EVERYTHING. In fact, you have/are learnng some of the greatest life lessons that you ever will. It is a sobering fact that some of our greatest lessons are learned during times of crisis and pain. Those are the kinds of lessons that we never forget. After you survive and complete this particular life journey---you will be a lot wiser and will feel a stronger person.
Experience is a tough school---but, one in which we learn the most.

Now, I don't expect that you can---or, even care to list the lessons and truths that you are experiencing---but, if you would like for me to---I am willing to help you identify some of them......

LovelyKaya33333

Hi . I don’t have my computer on me so I can’t write that much. I totally know what you are going through. Read through my stories if you want. I can sooo relate. I have so much to say on this. I promise it will get easier. Also PM me if you want to chat. I’m available between work all day tomorrow 🌺

Mimzical

Thank you everyone. I am so overwhelmed by your responses, they really mean a lot to me. I will reply properly once I can access a computer instead of typing on my phone. Lots of love x

Mimzical

@velma929 i am so sorry to hear this, that must have been so tough for you. What a strong person you must be to come through that x

@sage1969 thank you for kind advice and suggested reading. Closure is going to be very difficult for me but it is helpful to know that his behaviour is not all in my head and other people have gone through this and come out it stronger (not that I wish this on anyone).

@dandylion i cried reading your message, I so hope you are right. Life needs rain to make a rainbow after all.

@LovelyKaya33333 you really are as lovely as your name, I was so touched by your PM. I tried to reply to your PM but as a newbie I haven’t posted enough to PM people. I am very much up and down at the moment, mostly down if I am being honest. Still haven’t got my head around what the heck has actually happened and swing from anger to sobbing to confused mess. I have started to read some of your story, wishing you peace and love x

2getheryetalone

You're lucky. I'm with an alcoholic BF too for ten years. I've tried to kick him out for 5 of them. He refuses to leave. I wish I could go. It's my house though and I have no family here. You have your mom and good riddance this guy. At least you didn't waste 10 years.

honeypig

This was a big stumbling block for me when I first came here too. I thought that if he had zero alcohol in his bloodstream, then things would be good. I thought that if only I could keep him from having alcohol physically in his body, all would be well.

WRONG. It's so much more complicated than that. But yet it's simpler than that, too. Once I realized that unacceptable behavior was unacceptable behavior (lying, spending money from our savings w/o my knowledge or consent, just generally being absent from day-to-day life, among other things) no matter WHY it was happening, things started to change.

Keep reading around the forum, and I'd also suggest giving Alanon a try. Although I doubt you feel much like it right now, you ARE in control and you CAN make the changes you need to make in your life.

Eauchiche

Dear Mimzical
When I made the decision to leave my ex years ago, I also left the home we had shared and all my pets. My dog later died without me.
As horrible as this sounds, I got through it by the grace of God.
There have been occasions since then that I had to lose something, like a job or two, because my own mental health and peace were more important. Frankly, this is what recovery looks like.

The good people here have been moral support and have given me a lot of excellent perspective for YEARS now. Anytime I face a decision about something, I reach out here. They have never disappointed me.
We can do the same thing for you.

advbike

When hard alcoholics get sober they often become even more nasty to be around. Often there are unaddressed core personality disorders that were one reason they probably drank to begin with, like anxiety, anger issues, OCD, etc. Then on top of that their brain is raw from the sudden removal of the alcohol. Not trying to make ANY excuses for alcoholics here, just pointing out that expecting them to be suddenly nicer when they quit drinking is unrealistic. It takes time and specifically recovery work for these types of people to start feeling better and being nicer to others again. The key is in the recovery work, not just achieving sobriety.

PeacefulWater12

So very true. Well said, AdvBike. My AH certainly was as you describe.