Freshstart1111

It’s been 3 years since we split. And 2 years officially divorced (alcohol and his affair caused divorce). My narc AXH moved an hour and a half away and has a girlfriend. I lived in our family house til about a year ago and sold it to settle final commitments in divorce agreement. We had been very friendly with several families in the neighborhood and I saw them more until I had to sell.
Now I hear he is spending time with them. He has a girlfriend and I’m sure it’s a couples thing. I’m still single and healing from the affair and his gaslighting and my codependency.
He still drinks and the alcohol is always a focal point of get togethers with these friends. So I get it that he’s the one to be invited. I’m not into drinking anymore (never had a problem. I just think there aren’t too many positive outcomes around alcohol anymore).
I’m struggling with FOMO. That they want to hang out with him. That I’m “left out”. But on the other hand, I’m not interested in day drinking which turns into night drinking and a sloppy mess. We’re in our 50s. How do you reconcile the loss, the jealousy, but deep down don’t feel like that fits your life anymore? I feel like I’m “no fun” anymore because I’m not interested in that any more. And I’m losing friends and social activities because I’m single and I’m not a fan of everything revolving around drinking. I’ve walked away from other friends because everything revolves around drinking too. It feels like everyone is having fun and I’m home. But they’re fun revolves around drinking. One couple taking their 20 year old kids on a brewery crawl. I feel like I’ve become a fuddy duddy and I’ve become too focused on alcohol. But I can’t help seeing from the outside how pervasive it is. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. ‘Fun’ for people I’ve been friends with is about drinking. I want fun. But I don’t want to watch everyone get annihilated.

Bekindalways

Thats an interesting position/observation. It makes sense.

I think often that once you see what happens with alcohol you can't unsee it. I suppose this is why you can't be okay with going to drinking functions.

It sounds like this move is well timed. It gets you out of this neighborhood and on to something different. I hope some non-drinkers come with the something different.

LovelyKaya33333

I can’t relate to how you feel. I’m 39 and feel as though I’ve outgrown things that involve alcohol. Having friends to workout with help me a lot. Are there new friends you can meet that aren’t interested in drinking?

PeacefulWater12

I relate, Fresh Start. I am in a place of change. My old friends no longer resonate with me nor me with them.

So at present there is a glorious gap in my life, ready for me to attract new people in. Healthy ones, as you pick up on people who do not use alcohol to socialise.

It seems in this journey, all the old has to be cleared away before the new can come in.

NewHeart

It was very hard for me after my breakup. I loved hanging out with the friend group and felt like they were my second family. All weekends revolved around them.

But under the surface of being a family they all drank. Even kid's parties were an occasion for all the men to get **** drunk. There was cheating and drama. Some of the guys moved onto cocaine. I can't believe I was around that for so long and yet it still felt like family. Bad situations that are poisonous can still feel like nourishment if it is the only social food we have.

Bute

I remember that feeling, when me and my sons father split - not alcohol related. Your life will change, I promise. Make new friends, find new interests, which can lead to new friends.
It does make you feel rotten, I know, but lets be honest, who the heck wants to socialize with their kids? Going boozing? I certainly don't and wouldn't. Different going to lunch or something. I don't drink at all, and I'm not boring. Neither are you. This just makes you feel that way. So, in my view, it tells you something about them, and you're better out of it.
Much Love
Bute x

sage1969

Freshstart, I had to sit with what you said in your post for a while before responding to you. I think first off you need to consider that you said that deep down the drinking culture doesn't fit your lifestyle, these friends structure everything around drinking, and you don't want to sit around watching them all get drunk. Good for you for recognising this.

So instead of friends, plug in your Qualifier's name, and reread your post. If you couldn't tolerate and live with your Q and his alcoholism, why would you from friends with whom you didn't live with?

I'm your age. I get that most activities revolve around alcohol, so I've let go of most of my friendships; many of them because of the alcohol, some of them because of the codependency. I got tired of people only wanting me around when they needed something from me. Letting go of friendships you've outgrown is hard. It can be lonely. But it's not going to get prettier; as time goes on, those friends will be going down the same road as your Q (he's spending time with them? Why put yourself in that position?).

If you've sold the house and live somplace else, let go of those friendships, too. It's not like you see them everyday anymore. FOMO is tough, but what are you missing? Day drinking that turns into a sloppy mess? (If they're all on your social media, pause them so you don't see the posts).

Part of our codepency issues mean we have trouble on our own because we place our self value into others. By pulling that back inside ourselves and learning to like, love, and live with ourselves, it becomes less lonely. And, at some point you will be able to make a new set of friends based on your values that know you for who you are now (independent of your Q).

When you find the right kind of friends, you can still have some crazy fun that doesn't involve drinking. It may take some time, because you do want to choose your friends and not let the fact they live by you and party be a determining factor.

This is a sad reminder of how pervasive alcoholism is in our culture.

You've seen what alcohol does to people. You've learnt the truth, and you can't unsee it.

I'm sorry. I know this feels icky. You know it's not good for you and it's time to let go.

Maybe try spending some time on you, pamper yourself, do some things you've always wanted that no one else was interested in. In time new friendships will come up. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

edoering

Outgrowing people can stink, because the people you outgrow usually don’t feel (or don’t want to admit they feel) the loss of you. It can feel like you’re the one getting left out when really you are moving on.

I know some people like finding MeetUp groups based on shared interests (nature walks, board games, speaking other languages, you name it!) to expand their friend circle?

velma929

I'm not uncomfortable drinking - however - I realize now I never know what other people are dealing with. Just because I don't *see* signs or drinking, doesn't mean it isn't happening. Houseplants have replaced bottles of wine for housewarming gifts.

I was asked to return to a former employer a few years ago. I thought back to what it was like working there - the manager often socialized with the staff (a second-rate idea, under any circumstances). One of the staff mentioned on her Facebook page 'starting the long process of regaining her driver's license.' Why, oh why would the *manager* participate? Her own daughter was a sometime-employee of mother's business, and grandchild died as a result of the father's abuse, the daughter and her bf's situation described as 'couch-surfing' at the time. I turned it down, not because I didn't need the money, I did. I turned it down because it seemed such an unhealthy place to be.

Eauchiche

I went through this too, with my ex's family.
Part of recovery, is a new circle of friends who are sober. And, I am VERY choosy about my friends.
You are adjusting to a new life. If you posted that you were pals with drinkers because you felt left out, I would be concerned for you.

However, I am realizing that my concern for others has to be contained within personal boundaries.
Just today, I blocked an old friend on Facebook and Linkedin from over 40 years ago because he dropped in out of the blue on LinkedIn and started fishing about my employment status. His background as a psychologist did not prevent him from crossing the street and meddling in my business.

I know I have departed from your OP, but feel this is part of recovery.