how to be thoughtful about it?
sage
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
how to be thoughtful about it?
I am wondering if anyone would like to share some wisdom about how to be thoughtful in recovery as far as other habits? So what I mean is that with an addictive personality, I abstain from alcohol and drugs; I've been working very hard at my codependency issues; and I've become aware of other ways I attempt to "numb out," with food, social media, shopping, sex. Some things I simply don't do any more, like games or social media. Other things, I try to be more thoughtful and have intention, like with food (erm, one must eat). And it's been 5 weeks since I've seen my XABF (he's started leaving msgs, but never responded to my request to talk about my feelings about the alcohol and the blackouts and the proposal he doesn't remember; his only response was to say "it was late night talk." He's no longer part of my life).
How do you approach something like a new relationship? A friend has asked me to tutor them to prepare for a professional certification. I hadn't seen this person in over a year and they approached me because I'd worked with them before; it's meant to be as paid work. They were completely unaware I'd broken up with XABF.
The sidebar is that I had a relationship with them before; I ended it because I was spiraling into an unhealthy codependency. I felt at that time like I was a booty call. There has been a shift. This person now seems to honestly want other parts of a friendship like having meals together or doing things other than sex, although sex would be a very nice part of it. And this person has definitely indicated interest in more this time around. I trust this person to be honest. There weren't chemical dependencies involved before. I'm attempting to be thoughtful about this -- I don't necessarily want or need a traditional relationship, but I need to know that I will be seen as a person and not just as a hot water tap.
I really want to be honest and intentional going forward. At this point, all I've agreed to is the tutoring.
How do you approach something like a new relationship? A friend has asked me to tutor them to prepare for a professional certification. I hadn't seen this person in over a year and they approached me because I'd worked with them before; it's meant to be as paid work. They were completely unaware I'd broken up with XABF.
The sidebar is that I had a relationship with them before; I ended it because I was spiraling into an unhealthy codependency. I felt at that time like I was a booty call. There has been a shift. This person now seems to honestly want other parts of a friendship like having meals together or doing things other than sex, although sex would be a very nice part of it. And this person has definitely indicated interest in more this time around. I trust this person to be honest. There weren't chemical dependencies involved before. I'm attempting to be thoughtful about this -- I don't necessarily want or need a traditional relationship, but I need to know that I will be seen as a person and not just as a hot water tap.
I really want to be honest and intentional going forward. At this point, all I've agreed to is the tutoring.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Hmm believe me when I say I understand the desire for a booty call. That said, from what I read of this post, I wouldn't advise this particular one. You're only 5 weeks out from your XABF. That's not a ton of time for processing everything you've experienced, and prime time for a rebound. This particular person seems to make it a little more complicated from the get go, because you've had past experiences with them.
If I were in your position I'd ask myself what exactly I want from this person, and why. You mentioned not wanting to just be on tap, which would be more than a booty call, but you don't necessarily want a normal relationship. What does that definition mean to you? Is it the same definition that person has? If you really want to pursue anything with them, I'd be as blunt as possible and just ask directly. There's a big difference between wanting to be a booty call vs friends with benefits vs a more committed relationship. Are any of those something you actually want or are ready for? Are they for this other person?
I'd also ask yourself how much of this is tangled up with how you're feeling about your ex. Additionally, if this is supposed to be about paid work, I'd really advice against a relationship. That can really muddy the waters when money gets involved. At minimum I'd table anything relationship-wise until the business stuff is done.
ps: As a side note, I really wouldn't recommend sleeping with an active tutor. It makes for a terrible learning environment. For some reason I always end up remembering my tutors, but for the life of me can't recall what we were studying. A mystery to be sure. 🤔
If I were in your position I'd ask myself what exactly I want from this person, and why. You mentioned not wanting to just be on tap, which would be more than a booty call, but you don't necessarily want a normal relationship. What does that definition mean to you? Is it the same definition that person has? If you really want to pursue anything with them, I'd be as blunt as possible and just ask directly. There's a big difference between wanting to be a booty call vs friends with benefits vs a more committed relationship. Are any of those something you actually want or are ready for? Are they for this other person?
I'd also ask yourself how much of this is tangled up with how you're feeling about your ex. Additionally, if this is supposed to be about paid work, I'd really advice against a relationship. That can really muddy the waters when money gets involved. At minimum I'd table anything relationship-wise until the business stuff is done.
ps: As a side note, I really wouldn't recommend sleeping with an active tutor. It makes for a terrible learning environment. For some reason I always end up remembering my tutors, but for the life of me can't recall what we were studying. A mystery to be sure. 🤔
sage
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Cookie314 
You're only 5 weeks out from your XABF. That's not a ton of time for processing everything you've experienced, and prime time for a rebound. This particular person seems to make it a little more complicated from the get go, because you've had past experiences with them.
This whole process has been difficult because I've had to learn how to be mindful and respect boundaries, and I've had to let many unhealthy friendships go. I've also had to learn not to use my family members as therapists, so I no longer have anyone to run these kind of scenarios past, and sometimes what makes sense in my head might not always make sense irl.
Originally Posted by Cookie314
If I were in your position I'd ask myself what exactly I want from this person, and why. You mentioned not wanting to just be on tap, which would be more than a booty call, but you don't necessarily want a normal relationship. What does that definition mean to you? Is it the same definition that person has? If you really want to pursue anything with them, I'd be as blunt as possible and just ask directly. There's a big difference between wanting to be a booty call vs friends with benefits vs a more committed relationship. Are any of those something you actually want or are ready for? Are they for this other person?
I do know that for me it would be nice to meet someone that could be a friend and potential companion. I will have to be blunt, as you say, and (after the consulting part is completed) ask this person what are they really looking to get out of all of this. I do know that they are kind - hearted, and somewhat socially awkward, so it's entirely possible I misunderstood and they did not mean for it to feel like a booty call. They did ask if they could take me to dinner after the consulting is completed, so it's possible things they have realised things didn't make me happy the last go around.
Originally Posted by Cookie314
I'd also ask yourself how much of this is tangled up with how you're feeling about your ex.
Originally Posted by Cookie314
Additionally, if this is supposed to be about paid work, I'd really advice against a relationship. That can really muddy the waters when money gets involved. At minimum I'd table anything relationship-wise until the business stuff is done.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Let's say you have that conversation with him at some point after your first dinner. He might say he is actually interested in a relationship, or not sure or whatever he thinks.
If what you want is a real relationship with someone, then go with that, don't settle for anything less. If he is not interested in being in one, if he is not sure, I really hope you move along. I would hate to see you get hurt again. Not because he's not interested in you, not because you might not make a good couple but because putting your intent in to practice is good for you (and for him as an aside).
Let's say that is what he is interested in as well, how about taking it really slowly? No need to rush, let him show, by his actions over time that is really what this is about. Once you trust that it is, then you get to decide what you want to do.
Though he may be a really trustworthy person in general, perhaps just make sure you are comfortable.
If what you want is a real relationship with someone, then go with that, don't settle for anything less. If he is not interested in being in one, if he is not sure, I really hope you move along. I would hate to see you get hurt again. Not because he's not interested in you, not because you might not make a good couple but because putting your intent in to practice is good for you (and for him as an aside).
Let's say that is what he is interested in as well, how about taking it really slowly? No need to rush, let him show, by his actions over time that is really what this is about. Once you trust that it is, then you get to decide what you want to do.
Though he may be a really trustworthy person in general, perhaps just make sure you are comfortable.
sage
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Join Date: Jul 2021
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Originally Posted by Caramel
^ just instinct, the fact that it was mentioned, the coincidence of timing, and a suspicious nature 
I did go through this cycle last year, when I broke up with XABF and dated this person. I guess the Universe is giving me another shot to get it right this time.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
I guess the Universe is giving me another shot to get it right this time.
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It seems....and, all that I have seen, personally, is that relationships that don't work the first time around---almost never work out the second time around. I think that must be because there was a Reason that it didn't work, the first time, for a reason. That reason would still be there, the second time around---unless Both parties had made some deep life altering changes in the meantime.
Here is what I have observed in those relationships for just occasional companionship and some Horizonal Tango---is that someone almost always gets more hurt than the other. As--the very nature of the relationship implies no deep commitment. Even though each person may loudly exclaim---"No strings attached"----It is hard for a relationship to be perfectly symmetrical on both sides. It seems that one person will want a little bit more than the other one---and, that can lead to some conflict or dissatisfaction in the relationship contract. That person who wants just a little more will end up feeling that they are getting the shorter end of the stick.
We humans are wired to never like getting the short end of the stick. lol.
I have seen this play out over and over.
Here is what I have observed in those relationships for just occasional companionship and some Horizonal Tango---is that someone almost always gets more hurt than the other. As--the very nature of the relationship implies no deep commitment. Even though each person may loudly exclaim---"No strings attached"----It is hard for a relationship to be perfectly symmetrical on both sides. It seems that one person will want a little bit more than the other one---and, that can lead to some conflict or dissatisfaction in the relationship contract. That person who wants just a little more will end up feeling that they are getting the shorter end of the stick.
We humans are wired to never like getting the short end of the stick. lol.
I have seen this play out over and over.
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The way I see it...yes---no relationship is absolutely 100 per cent symmetrical, if one is to measure it very, very carefully.
It just seem to me that when a couple has a great degree of satisfaction on both sides---they are not very interested in quibbling about the smallish differences.
It just seem to me that when a couple has a great degree of satisfaction on both sides---they are not very interested in quibbling about the smallish differences.
sage
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by dandylion
It seems....and, all that I have seen, personally, is that relationships that don't work the first time around---almost never work out the second time around. I think that must be because there was a Reason that it didn't work, the first time, for a reason. That reason would still be there, the second time around---unless Both parties had made some deep life altering changes in the meantime . . . someone almost always gets more hurt than the other. As--the very nature of the relationship implies no deep commitment. Even though each person may loudly exclaim---"No strings attached"----It is hard for a relationship to be perfectly symmetrical on both sides. It seems that one person will want a little bit more than the other one---and, that can lead to some conflict or dissatisfaction in the relationship contract.
Originally Posted by dandylion
The way I see it...yes---no relationship is absolutely 100 per cent symmetrical, if one is to measure it very, very carefully.
It just seem to me that when a couple has a great degree of satisfaction on both sides---they are not very interested in quibbling about the smallish differences.
It just seem to me that when a couple has a great degree of satisfaction on both sides---they are not very interested in quibbling about the smallish differences.
All I can see is that it though might be really hard for me to do this, not because I can't be alone or need other people to make me whole, but because I actually really like this person and find them to be good company.
This is a book that was recommended to me (I haven't read it yet but thought I'd share): Relationship Dancing, Mark Michael Lewis, about creating conscience relationships
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