Wife with alcohol problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 1
Wife with alcohol problem
My wife and I are early 50s and married for coming on 25 years. We are a great team and happy together when she isn’t drinking - at least I think so. The problem I have is that when my wife drinks she becomes a totally different person and causes me a huge amount of grief and upset, either by saying the most horribly hurtful things she can muster (which cant be unsaid), or even worse, she sometimes gets quite violent and I cant physically mange her. I don’t want to leave her as I believe that we love each other and are good together - plus happy when she doesn’t drink. Another problem is she never really remembers the details of what she said or did and if I want to discuss it I am accused of holding a grudge or living in the past. She also thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill about this whole thing. A couple of times this year she has got really violent towards me and literally flew at me with fists flying…I had to do my best to restrain her without either of us getting hurt, but I’m twice her size so she sometimes ends up with bruises. This makes me feel absolutely sick and guilty too. I also had an incident this year where we were out having a social drink with a friend of mine and she suddenly started kissing his face and head - she doesn’t even remember this and wont acknowledge that it actually happened - but this has left me feeling embarrassed and devastated. She also drink drives - but again totally denies that she does so and is the first to condemn others for doing so. I actually wish she’d get busted for this as she needs a wake up call.
She has done this her whole life but it’s been infrequent and much more of a problem this last year or two where it has become drinking every night - probably the equivalent of a bottle of wine or just less. Whilst my wife will not admit to being an alcoholic, she downloaded an app 3 weeks ago and told me that she has been giving herself a tick every night for going a clear 24hours without drink causing her to upset her family, so at least now she knows there is some problem. However, she got annoyed with me this evening over something quite minor and she suddenly punched me quite hard and my adult daughter (staying with us temporarily) revealed to me that she has been drinking again secretly for the past 4 nights.
I don’t want to throw away 25 years of marriage and get a divorce, but I simply do not know how to handle this situation. My wife is lovely in the day time and when she isn’t drinking, but at night she sometimes turns into a monster when she drinks.
I don’t know how she does this, but after an alcohol fuelled episode she falls into a peaceful sleep and is up bright and early the next day at tennis or an exercise class, without any outward signs or concerns due to what happened the night before. At the same time, as my wife’s drinking has got worse, she has become totally obsessed with exercise and is now a very very fit individual.
I’m at a loss how to move forwards. I have a very stressful job and my wife stopped working to be a housewife over 20 years ago. My wife’s behaviour has upset me so much that I often cant sleep and have either missed or been tired/distracted in important meetings at work the next day. My wife doesn’t work or do housework and really does lead a life of leisure - it all just all feels so unfair.
Sorry as I’m sure there are people here with much worse problems, but sometimes it’s therapeutic to just write these things down and get them off your chest. I have not confided my issue in anyone.
She has done this her whole life but it’s been infrequent and much more of a problem this last year or two where it has become drinking every night - probably the equivalent of a bottle of wine or just less. Whilst my wife will not admit to being an alcoholic, she downloaded an app 3 weeks ago and told me that she has been giving herself a tick every night for going a clear 24hours without drink causing her to upset her family, so at least now she knows there is some problem. However, she got annoyed with me this evening over something quite minor and she suddenly punched me quite hard and my adult daughter (staying with us temporarily) revealed to me that she has been drinking again secretly for the past 4 nights.
I don’t want to throw away 25 years of marriage and get a divorce, but I simply do not know how to handle this situation. My wife is lovely in the day time and when she isn’t drinking, but at night she sometimes turns into a monster when she drinks.
I don’t know how she does this, but after an alcohol fuelled episode she falls into a peaceful sleep and is up bright and early the next day at tennis or an exercise class, without any outward signs or concerns due to what happened the night before. At the same time, as my wife’s drinking has got worse, she has become totally obsessed with exercise and is now a very very fit individual.
I’m at a loss how to move forwards. I have a very stressful job and my wife stopped working to be a housewife over 20 years ago. My wife’s behaviour has upset me so much that I often cant sleep and have either missed or been tired/distracted in important meetings at work the next day. My wife doesn’t work or do housework and really does lead a life of leisure - it all just all feels so unfair.
Sorry as I’m sure there are people here with much worse problems, but sometimes it’s therapeutic to just write these things down and get them off your chest. I have not confided my issue in anyone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Hello and welcome
Sorry to read of your situation. Sounds very difficult. Sadly alcoholism usually gets worse.
Perhaps have a read around this forum, you will find plenty of stories very similar to yours. I hope this makes you feel less alone.
I relate to the Jerkyl and Hyde personality you describe, my late alcoholic husband was like that.
Sorry to read of your situation. Sounds very difficult. Sadly alcoholism usually gets worse.
Perhaps have a read around this forum, you will find plenty of stories very similar to yours. I hope this makes you feel less alone.
I relate to the Jerkyl and Hyde personality you describe, my late alcoholic husband was like that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Hi Slob1, well, basically there isn't anything you can really do to handle it. Your wife is obviously an alcoholic and she won't acknowledge that and she is a violent drunk.
You mentioned you are sure there are other people here with much worse problems, really the situation with your wife is hugely problematic.
She doesn't need to admit to her drinking problem to get help, but she does have to want that help and until she does, she will keep drinking.
For you, the best thing you can do, is to look out for yourself. When she is violently drunk, maybe that is the time to exit the room, lock yourself in another room or leave the house completely, maybe spend the night in a hotel or go visit someone for a few hours. You don't need to be part of this.
I KNOW you want to help, I know you probably want to stay and try to talk her down from her violent tirades, but as you have experienced, that's not working. As for her saying you are unforgiving and living in the past the next morning if you approach the subject, well we all know that's not true. She just doesn't want to deal with any of it.
Have you heard of Al-Anon? I would recommend you go to an Al Anon meeting where you will find others who understand as well. You need as much support as you can get. You can certainly bring up AA or rehab or therapy to her, but don't expect a positive response. It's also not worth nagging her about her drinking, she will drink or she won't, completely out of your control.
You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
As for the drinking and driving, this should be your concern as you are married and if she does hurt someone or cause some major damage, this will be on you as well. If she insists on continuing to do this you may want to seek a legal separation. I would really recommend talking to a lawyer about this, as soon as you can, to find out what options you have to protect yourself. It would also be helpful to discuss the violence with a third party while you are there as you never know, one day this may get turned on you and you will be the one in jail.
You really could use some boundaries around what you will and will not accept. This will help you. For instance a boundary might be, if she is drinking and violent I will immediately leave and go stay at a hotel overnight. Then stick by your boundary. Boundaries are yours and for you, they don't require her participation.
Sorry, this is a lot of info for one post! I would also recommend you read around the forum, learn as much as you can about alcoholism, for yourself, not for her.
You mentioned you are sure there are other people here with much worse problems, really the situation with your wife is hugely problematic.
She doesn't need to admit to her drinking problem to get help, but she does have to want that help and until she does, she will keep drinking.
For you, the best thing you can do, is to look out for yourself. When she is violently drunk, maybe that is the time to exit the room, lock yourself in another room or leave the house completely, maybe spend the night in a hotel or go visit someone for a few hours. You don't need to be part of this.
I KNOW you want to help, I know you probably want to stay and try to talk her down from her violent tirades, but as you have experienced, that's not working. As for her saying you are unforgiving and living in the past the next morning if you approach the subject, well we all know that's not true. She just doesn't want to deal with any of it.
Have you heard of Al-Anon? I would recommend you go to an Al Anon meeting where you will find others who understand as well. You need as much support as you can get. You can certainly bring up AA or rehab or therapy to her, but don't expect a positive response. It's also not worth nagging her about her drinking, she will drink or she won't, completely out of your control.
You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
As for the drinking and driving, this should be your concern as you are married and if she does hurt someone or cause some major damage, this will be on you as well. If she insists on continuing to do this you may want to seek a legal separation. I would really recommend talking to a lawyer about this, as soon as you can, to find out what options you have to protect yourself. It would also be helpful to discuss the violence with a third party while you are there as you never know, one day this may get turned on you and you will be the one in jail.
You really could use some boundaries around what you will and will not accept. This will help you. For instance a boundary might be, if she is drinking and violent I will immediately leave and go stay at a hotel overnight. Then stick by your boundary. Boundaries are yours and for you, they don't require her participation.
Sorry, this is a lot of info for one post! I would also recommend you read around the forum, learn as much as you can about alcoholism, for yourself, not for her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear slob (I wish I could call you something else…)
I have noticed a trend on this site among the guys who come here with alcoholic wives or girlfriends.
By the time we say anything, things are already pretty bad I think we are frogs in the frying pan much more than ladies with alcoholic mates. I believe they tend to speak up sooner.
You wrote:
”My wife’s behaviour has upset me so much that I often cant sleep and have either missed or been tired/distracted in important meetings at work the next day.…”
This is an example of how the alcoholic will drag someone down, like a drowning victim. Unfortunately if you stay with her, you might eventually lose your job. I know this is a very harsh thing to hear.
There are all kinds of options for you short of divorce. You could do a trial separation. You must do all you can to protect yourself.
Lastly, the bruises on her you mentioned could come around to haunt you. You might need to start calling the police when she gets violent and start a paper trail on her.
I have noticed a trend on this site among the guys who come here with alcoholic wives or girlfriends.
By the time we say anything, things are already pretty bad I think we are frogs in the frying pan much more than ladies with alcoholic mates. I believe they tend to speak up sooner.
You wrote:
”My wife’s behaviour has upset me so much that I often cant sleep and have either missed or been tired/distracted in important meetings at work the next day.…”
This is an example of how the alcoholic will drag someone down, like a drowning victim. Unfortunately if you stay with her, you might eventually lose your job. I know this is a very harsh thing to hear.
There are all kinds of options for you short of divorce. You could do a trial separation. You must do all you can to protect yourself.
Lastly, the bruises on her you mentioned could come around to haunt you. You might need to start calling the police when she gets violent and start a paper trail on her.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Slob.....one of the first things that you might do is to learn how to navigate this site the most effectively. For example---your story is an oft-told story, here on this forum---so, it helps if you go back and read each person's story from the very beginning. To do this--click on the member's name to the far left of their post. This wjll cause a drop down menu to appear. On that menu--choose the option of "all previous posts".
In this way, you can see how this situation progresses over time---over the years.
Progressiveness is a major hallmark of alcoholism. It is no surprise that your wife has spiraled more rapidly of the last few years, as she has been doing it "all of her life".
We can safely tell you that this is as good as it gets...unless she commits herself to complete abstinence with a program of some sort.
I hear you that you love her---and, we all get that part! We get it so well because none of us would be here if love were enough to change alcoholism and save our relationships from the ravages and fallout of this disease.
I reside in the United States...and, I recognize that your culture of residence may be very different in the attitudes and services available to you and your wife.
Can you say why you have not mentioned this to anyone else, after living with it for so long? (I presume that your adult daughter knows about it).
You are going to need as much help as your wife needs in order to get through this---no matter what you decide to do or not do. Remember that no decision IS a decision of sorts.
Notice the :"stickies" that are located immediately the regular threads. Scroll through all of them, and you will find one section called "Classic Readings"---it contains over 100 excellent articles that applies to alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. I suggest that you read one every day.
Another great resource for you----Scroll to the bottom of the main website---at the very, very bottom---the very last one---you will find a forum called "The Best of Soberrecovery"....a library of the very best articles about alcoholism.
Educate yourself. Knowledge is power.
Get help for yourself, as this is just too much to shoulder yourself, without any support.
In this way, you can see how this situation progresses over time---over the years.
Progressiveness is a major hallmark of alcoholism. It is no surprise that your wife has spiraled more rapidly of the last few years, as she has been doing it "all of her life".
We can safely tell you that this is as good as it gets...unless she commits herself to complete abstinence with a program of some sort.
I hear you that you love her---and, we all get that part! We get it so well because none of us would be here if love were enough to change alcoholism and save our relationships from the ravages and fallout of this disease.
I reside in the United States...and, I recognize that your culture of residence may be very different in the attitudes and services available to you and your wife.
Can you say why you have not mentioned this to anyone else, after living with it for so long? (I presume that your adult daughter knows about it).
You are going to need as much help as your wife needs in order to get through this---no matter what you decide to do or not do. Remember that no decision IS a decision of sorts.
Notice the :"stickies" that are located immediately the regular threads. Scroll through all of them, and you will find one section called "Classic Readings"---it contains over 100 excellent articles that applies to alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. I suggest that you read one every day.
Another great resource for you----Scroll to the bottom of the main website---at the very, very bottom---the very last one---you will find a forum called "The Best of Soberrecovery"....a library of the very best articles about alcoholism.
Educate yourself. Knowledge is power.
Get help for yourself, as this is just too much to shoulder yourself, without any support.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Hi Slob... I know exactly how you are feeling... Like exactly... My story is very similar in a lot of ways. Dandylion said it perfect...this is progressive... please read my story...It started in 2016... I didn't get out until recently... It got worse..much worse... I was so skeptical before.... I thought "he doesn't need a program, he just needs to stop drinking"..."I couldn't leave him, I have no choice"... I promise you that you have a choice. I am 1 week NC... We don't live together anymore and I can tell you those divorce papers can't get signed quick enough... I love him... ALOT and I am hurting ALOT...but the peace I feel not being around him and his chaos from being drunk every single day is something I will never give up.... You can message me for support if you need
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello Bob (slob) I prefer to call you BobI'm afraid your story sounds so very typical to so many here, my own includedAs others have said, al-anon can be a great help. Even if you don't go to meetings, reading the literature will help you to gain perspective.
that thing that your wife can't remember what happened when she was drunk......my ex was the same. I wish now that I had filmed him. He always said I made it all up, when I was upset about the things he said when he was drunk.
A friend of mine filmed one of her husband's drunken rants and played it back to him in the morning. He was horrified. Couldn't believe his own behaviour but could no longer deny it.
I would suggest that when your wife becomes violent, you remove yourself completely from the situation. Leave the house, lock yourself in another room. Especially if she is getting bruised when you try to restrain her. This is not good. Leave her to it. You do not need to get involved with physical violence.
that thing that your wife can't remember what happened when she was drunk......my ex was the same. I wish now that I had filmed him. He always said I made it all up, when I was upset about the things he said when he was drunk.
A friend of mine filmed one of her husband's drunken rants and played it back to him in the morning. He was horrified. Couldn't believe his own behaviour but could no longer deny it.
I would suggest that when your wife becomes violent, you remove yourself completely from the situation. Leave the house, lock yourself in another room. Especially if she is getting bruised when you try to restrain her. This is not good. Leave her to it. You do not need to get involved with physical violence.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
S1, do you have an Employee Assistance Program where you work? If so, you might want to get it on record what you’re dealing with. It could help protect you from consequences of poor performance if the HR department is aware that you have extenuating circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Hey slob, I can't imagine the pain of leaving someone you've been with for so long, but I agree it's something you need to do. Especially with your wife being as physically abusive as she is. That is completely unacceptable. There is a massive bias in our society because of how much more common men physically abusing women is, that the inverse often seems absurd. Your situation though is proof that's not the case. I think leaving is your best option, but you need to be careful and protect yourself.
Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time of a relationship, because their desire to stop you from leaving their control can lead down a very dark path. The fact she's already so abusive as to cause injury means your trying to leave will almost certainly escalate the situation. In addition to this, it sounds like she's adept at putting up a facade of good health and functionality to the outside world.
I don't know what your laws are for privacy and filming people without their knowledge, but I would assume it's illegal in private. So that said, I would educate yourself on local laws about recording other people through video or audio, and messages and such. The idea is to find a legal way to gather evidence of what she's like in private. Hopefully this will help protect you from her lying or trying to flip the accusation that you're the abuser. The reality is that everyone's expectations that men are the physical abusers will make any claim she throws out about you being the instigator will be more believable to people on the outside. Particularly if she uses fight club styles and throws herself at you so aggressively that she's bruised as well. You need to record physical proof of your injuries and go to the doctor and/or police as additional backup that they exist if possible.
As for your final apology about posting this, never be sorry for it. This board exists for us to support one another through our various struggles. Someone else having "worse" problems doesn't negate your own. Think of someone saying "oh I lost a leg in this accident" and someone replied "yeah, well I lost both legs, so you should be thankful you have one." Sure you can use the experiences of others to help give you some perspective, or find solidarity, but you should never negate your own experiences just because someone else has it "worse". Experiences are entirely subjective anyways, someone it's just not fair to yourself to say you are less worthy of love and support because of some perceived level of suffering. What your wife is doing is wrong, painful, and harmful to both of you. You deserve to find peace and support for your experiences.
Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time of a relationship, because their desire to stop you from leaving their control can lead down a very dark path. The fact she's already so abusive as to cause injury means your trying to leave will almost certainly escalate the situation. In addition to this, it sounds like she's adept at putting up a facade of good health and functionality to the outside world.
I don't know what your laws are for privacy and filming people without their knowledge, but I would assume it's illegal in private. So that said, I would educate yourself on local laws about recording other people through video or audio, and messages and such. The idea is to find a legal way to gather evidence of what she's like in private. Hopefully this will help protect you from her lying or trying to flip the accusation that you're the abuser. The reality is that everyone's expectations that men are the physical abusers will make any claim she throws out about you being the instigator will be more believable to people on the outside. Particularly if she uses fight club styles and throws herself at you so aggressively that she's bruised as well. You need to record physical proof of your injuries and go to the doctor and/or police as additional backup that they exist if possible.
As for your final apology about posting this, never be sorry for it. This board exists for us to support one another through our various struggles. Someone else having "worse" problems doesn't negate your own. Think of someone saying "oh I lost a leg in this accident" and someone replied "yeah, well I lost both legs, so you should be thankful you have one." Sure you can use the experiences of others to help give you some perspective, or find solidarity, but you should never negate your own experiences just because someone else has it "worse". Experiences are entirely subjective anyways, someone it's just not fair to yourself to say you are less worthy of love and support because of some perceived level of suffering. What your wife is doing is wrong, painful, and harmful to both of you. You deserve to find peace and support for your experiences.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I agree with all of the above, especially protecting yourself. I was with an abusive woman early on and it just gets worse and causes us tremendous emotional damage. Even after I left, she followed, and beat up my new girlfriend with a police nightstick. Thank God the arrest allowed us to put distance because she went on probation and had a restraining order. Then we moved out of state.
You are at extreme risk here from being accused of abusing her. Your assets are also at risk from her drunk driving. You need to get this out in the open, and establish documentation to protect yourself. Talk to people, an attorney, etc. You need to get out before it comes back on you in a very bad way. There is no way it will end well. She may even be having affairs that you don't know about.
I suggest carefully planning this, discussing with your daughter, an attorney, etc.. and then making your move. I don't mean to sound so dramatic but she will probably do anything to avoid a change in the situation. Remember - you are dealing with her addiction, not the person you knew and love. Her addiction is a beast that will do anything to keep things as they are.
You are at extreme risk here from being accused of abusing her. Your assets are also at risk from her drunk driving. You need to get this out in the open, and establish documentation to protect yourself. Talk to people, an attorney, etc. You need to get out before it comes back on you in a very bad way. There is no way it will end well. She may even be having affairs that you don't know about.
I suggest carefully planning this, discussing with your daughter, an attorney, etc.. and then making your move. I don't mean to sound so dramatic but she will probably do anything to avoid a change in the situation. Remember - you are dealing with her addiction, not the person you knew and love. Her addiction is a beast that will do anything to keep things as they are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Welcome to the group,
All the messages are gold. A lot of information. I recall landing on this site and not being able to apply all the wisdom because for me I was living in an altered reality where I was afraid to or scared and fearful to do things that would be good for me.
It is ok to feel like you are in a blender, I know it well. I think Ariesagain said it, document all the madness in a journal, times, dates, your impressions/perceptions of the violent encounters so that if the police get involved, you have something down that helps them understand the situation. My Ex turned on me and had people convinced I was hurting her. That sad part of the story is all too common. People who are addicted will blame and everything and everyone else in order to keep drinking. As things progressed for me, she was willing to flatten me if I didn't get outa the way. The BEST words spoken on this site are, and I am butchering it, look after yourself first, and that may mean walking away when she is drinking so you don't end up in a compromising situation. It is hard to leave. I feared losing her too, but in a strange way that is the red herring. She was (is) already gone. I could not penetrate the hold alcoholism had on her, and boy did I try. Al-anon, is a great fellowship. Especially a men's group. It is worth checking out and connecting with someone right away. There are ZOOm meetings online, just google it.
All the messages are gold. A lot of information. I recall landing on this site and not being able to apply all the wisdom because for me I was living in an altered reality where I was afraid to or scared and fearful to do things that would be good for me.
It is ok to feel like you are in a blender, I know it well. I think Ariesagain said it, document all the madness in a journal, times, dates, your impressions/perceptions of the violent encounters so that if the police get involved, you have something down that helps them understand the situation. My Ex turned on me and had people convinced I was hurting her. That sad part of the story is all too common. People who are addicted will blame and everything and everyone else in order to keep drinking. As things progressed for me, she was willing to flatten me if I didn't get outa the way. The BEST words spoken on this site are, and I am butchering it, look after yourself first, and that may mean walking away when she is drinking so you don't end up in a compromising situation. It is hard to leave. I feared losing her too, but in a strange way that is the red herring. She was (is) already gone. I could not penetrate the hold alcoholism had on her, and boy did I try. Al-anon, is a great fellowship. Especially a men's group. It is worth checking out and connecting with someone right away. There are ZOOm meetings online, just google it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: CA
Posts: 5
I can relate
Hi S,
i realize you posted a few months back, but I just recently found this site and am just now reading your post. I am sorry for your situation and can say this as someone who felt like he was reading his own story as I read your post. My wife and I are are close to your age and also married 25 years. My wife does not get violent, but everything else you mention is similar. For me, I am not really here for a “solution” but more for the support. Just knowing others are in a similar situation, although sad, makes me feel less alone and reminds me I am not crazy. I realized a few years back, with the help of Al-Anon, that I can not control or change her. But I also was helped not to let her addiction define her. I also have learned to detach with love and not feel guilty ... well I try. I have set a couple of “bottom lines” since I do not plan on ending the relationship. One is that if it is in my power I absolutely will not let her get in a car if I even suspect she has had a sip of alcohol. No second guessing my judgement on this one.
Again, I am sorry for what brings us here, but for me, it does help to have the support of someone who truly understands the situation because he is living it. I hope you stay safe and can find some inner peace my friend.
i realize you posted a few months back, but I just recently found this site and am just now reading your post. I am sorry for your situation and can say this as someone who felt like he was reading his own story as I read your post. My wife and I are are close to your age and also married 25 years. My wife does not get violent, but everything else you mention is similar. For me, I am not really here for a “solution” but more for the support. Just knowing others are in a similar situation, although sad, makes me feel less alone and reminds me I am not crazy. I realized a few years back, with the help of Al-Anon, that I can not control or change her. But I also was helped not to let her addiction define her. I also have learned to detach with love and not feel guilty ... well I try. I have set a couple of “bottom lines” since I do not plan on ending the relationship. One is that if it is in my power I absolutely will not let her get in a car if I even suspect she has had a sip of alcohol. No second guessing my judgement on this one.
Again, I am sorry for what brings us here, but for me, it does help to have the support of someone who truly understands the situation because he is living it. I hope you stay safe and can find some inner peace my friend.
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