AH Went to AA
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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AH Went to AA
After an awful weekend of my husband’s binge drinking and hiding it from me, following a week and a half of escalating “secret” drinking (I knew- it was obvious), I told AH that he needed to leave our home. Our teens were home and I had to involve them so they were aware of what was going on and why I needed my husband to leave our home.
His return to the home was based on two conditions, both of which he fulfilled:
1. Start a recovery program and go to the first meeting;
2. Commit to a family counseling session with a therapist whom I’ve reached out to, and understands addiction, to help us develop a safety plan in the event of a relapse.
My husband attended his first meeting yesterday and even shared. He met several nice guys whom he traded cards with and has already followed up with. My husband apologized to our teens for putting them through this, admitted that his drinking has been out of control and that he is getting help. He told them that alcohol is poison.
Our family session appointment is tomorrow morning. My older teen isn’t looking forward to it and told me that this is not his problem (he is right and I don’t blame him for feeling this way). My teen also said that he knows that Dad’s recent episodes of daytime drinking was unacceptable but that some of his friends’ parents drink and occasionally even drink too much and it’s not that big of a deal.
My husband has been drunk nearly every night for the last two years, except when he goes for 6-8 weeks to “dry out.” He was swaying, slurring, and passed out on the couch most nights by 7:30PM. He was drunk last Sat and Sunday mornings and prior to that, has smelled strongly of alcohol or a fermenting weird smell at their games and around the house for the last 6-12 months.
I told the therapist during our phone conversation this morning that I would like her to explain the nature of addiction to our kids when she comes in addition to helping us form a safety plan. Older teen said he already knows what addiction is from studying it in an online health course.
I know the statistics of children of alcoholics either suffering addiction themselves or marrying a spouse with addiction issues, but I read that if the non-addicted spouse has strong boundaries and the alcoholic spouse seeks recovery, this can help reduce their risks. Is this accurate? Our teens are great kids who make good decisions and our oldest is responsible and thrives on structure and fair rules. He has never given me a reason to worry, and I want to make sure that I am seeing this for what it is- an inexperienced, immature view of alcoholism.
His return to the home was based on two conditions, both of which he fulfilled:
1. Start a recovery program and go to the first meeting;
2. Commit to a family counseling session with a therapist whom I’ve reached out to, and understands addiction, to help us develop a safety plan in the event of a relapse.
My husband attended his first meeting yesterday and even shared. He met several nice guys whom he traded cards with and has already followed up with. My husband apologized to our teens for putting them through this, admitted that his drinking has been out of control and that he is getting help. He told them that alcohol is poison.
Our family session appointment is tomorrow morning. My older teen isn’t looking forward to it and told me that this is not his problem (he is right and I don’t blame him for feeling this way). My teen also said that he knows that Dad’s recent episodes of daytime drinking was unacceptable but that some of his friends’ parents drink and occasionally even drink too much and it’s not that big of a deal.
My husband has been drunk nearly every night for the last two years, except when he goes for 6-8 weeks to “dry out.” He was swaying, slurring, and passed out on the couch most nights by 7:30PM. He was drunk last Sat and Sunday mornings and prior to that, has smelled strongly of alcohol or a fermenting weird smell at their games and around the house for the last 6-12 months.
I told the therapist during our phone conversation this morning that I would like her to explain the nature of addiction to our kids when she comes in addition to helping us form a safety plan. Older teen said he already knows what addiction is from studying it in an online health course.
I know the statistics of children of alcoholics either suffering addiction themselves or marrying a spouse with addiction issues, but I read that if the non-addicted spouse has strong boundaries and the alcoholic spouse seeks recovery, this can help reduce their risks. Is this accurate? Our teens are great kids who make good decisions and our oldest is responsible and thrives on structure and fair rules. He has never given me a reason to worry, and I want to make sure that I am seeing this for what it is- an inexperienced, immature view of alcoholism.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
That some people abuse alcohol from time to time is not the same as addiction. However: (there's always a however) Your son has little to no idea what his friends' home life is like, and he really has no idea if it's a big deal or not - to the people living in that household.
I married a man who drank too much, after growing up with a dad who drank too much. I assumed AH would 'outgrow' drinking so much and after all, it didn't seem like a big deal; Dad drank too much from time to time.
Looking back, there were signs that Dad's drinking was not under control. I suppose all of us preferred not to think about it too much. He held down a good job until retirement age, he volunteered at church, he helped other old folks doing odd jobs around town. To anyone outside our family, everything looked fine. When I was 40, and Dad was 75, Dad had an OUI that resulted in someone's death. He went to prison for two years, (and I know that's not a long time. The judge didn't think he should die in jail).
Even with this life event, AH never considered giving up drinking. I shouldn't have stayed with him, but our lives were so entwined, socially and financially, I just didn't know what I'd do alone.
I married a man who drank too much, after growing up with a dad who drank too much. I assumed AH would 'outgrow' drinking so much and after all, it didn't seem like a big deal; Dad drank too much from time to time.
Looking back, there were signs that Dad's drinking was not under control. I suppose all of us preferred not to think about it too much. He held down a good job until retirement age, he volunteered at church, he helped other old folks doing odd jobs around town. To anyone outside our family, everything looked fine. When I was 40, and Dad was 75, Dad had an OUI that resulted in someone's death. He went to prison for two years, (and I know that's not a long time. The judge didn't think he should die in jail).
Even with this life event, AH never considered giving up drinking. I shouldn't have stayed with him, but our lives were so entwined, socially and financially, I just didn't know what I'd do alone.
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Jessica....of course it is an inexperienced view! He is a teenager isn't he...lol. His parents are in charge--not him. Of course he gets to voice his opinions and feelings--but, the parents get to make the final decisions. The buck stops with you. You have the responsibility of preparing him for life---and, that is more important than if he likes it or likes you (at the moment).
You might inform him, also, that alcoholism is a Family Disease and affects every member of the family. And, that includes him. If he is resisting--it is a good bet that he is the kid with the Most feelings about it! Boys of his age are not often eager to talk about their feelings---but, sometimes they have to.
You don't want to be a parent that lets the tail wag the dog. That backfires for everyone.
You might inform him, also, that alcoholism is a Family Disease and affects every member of the family. And, that includes him. If he is resisting--it is a good bet that he is the kid with the Most feelings about it! Boys of his age are not often eager to talk about their feelings---but, sometimes they have to.
You don't want to be a parent that lets the tail wag the dog. That backfires for everyone.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
You might inform him, also, that alcoholism is a Family Disease and affects every member of the family. And, that includes him. If he is resisting--it is a good bet that he is the kid with the Most feelings about it! Boys of his age are not often eager to talk about their feelings---but, sometimes they have to.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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Velma, I’ve read your story here and actually mentioned it to my husband on Monday. It was a huge wake up call to both of us of the legal and financial risks to our family if he continues on this path.
I really wish I would have said that to him in the moment- he has NO idea if/how much those families are affected. You’re absolutely right. All I could think at the time he said it (driving in the car together this morning on his way to an appointment) was that alcohol is so prevalent in our culture and how can I help him see that Dad regularly getting drunk in our home is NOT OK?
I really wish I would have said that to him in the moment- he has NO idea if/how much those families are affected. You’re absolutely right. All I could think at the time he said it (driving in the car together this morning on his way to an appointment) was that alcohol is so prevalent in our culture and how can I help him see that Dad regularly getting drunk in our home is NOT OK?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Heya Jessica, I hope you all get plenty of support for this.
As you may know, your AH husband's recovery is his journey. You and your kids will have to figure out your own side of the street. Hopefully you can focus on taking care of yourself and changing the things that you can for yourself.
Let us know how it goes.
As you may know, your AH husband's recovery is his journey. You and your kids will have to figure out your own side of the street. Hopefully you can focus on taking care of yourself and changing the things that you can for yourself.
Let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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Have you been to alanon or your teens to alateen? Recovery is an inside job
and a journey for every family member. Your kids may have started experimenting
with drinking, maybe watched their friends get drunk. Most everyone lacks the
understanding of the cunning and baffling power of alcohol addiction until it
begins to cause serious problems.
It it may take a few meetings to find the right fit for everyone, but it would be best
if everyone tried to attend regularly for about a year. Your teens will spend the
first few months believing they don't belong there, but they will learn some
very valuable information. My husband has been sober this time for 2 1/2 yrs,
and my adult children are in recovery. Both went through detox and
one through rehab and a sober living house.
and a journey for every family member. Your kids may have started experimenting
with drinking, maybe watched their friends get drunk. Most everyone lacks the
understanding of the cunning and baffling power of alcohol addiction until it
begins to cause serious problems.
It it may take a few meetings to find the right fit for everyone, but it would be best
if everyone tried to attend regularly for about a year. Your teens will spend the
first few months believing they don't belong there, but they will learn some
very valuable information. My husband has been sober this time for 2 1/2 yrs,
and my adult children are in recovery. Both went through detox and
one through rehab and a sober living house.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
You're right, alcohol IS prevalent in this society, and we (as a country I guess) have a really unfortunate attitude about it.
When I was in high school, the legal age to buy alcohol had been lowered to 18. Many of my classmates were buying, using, and sometimes abusing alcohol. I remember one of our teachers saying it was a mistake to lower the legal purchasing age. "But Mr. _____, we old enough to die for our country in a war, but not old enough to drink? And in Europe they give kids watered down wine with meals!" (Vietnam war was ongoing at the time)
And Mr. ____ had answers for that - good ones. He said, "I'll bet you can't produce a person who went into a bar in uniform and was denied a drink. Secondly, in Europe, it's true, sometimes kids are given watered down wine. I've been to Europe, though. The way YOU guys act when you're drinking - because I hear the stories - you guys think it's a huge joke. In Europe people would be embarrassed by the things you do when you're drunk, and their families would too. "
We live in a country that (mostly) laughed hysterically at Dean Martin and his interactions with Foster Brooks (who won an Emmy for portraying a drunk! on that show). I doubt you'd see old Jerry Lewis in one of his roles as a mentally challenged person: we've outgrown thinking that's funny. But drinking; we're just not there yet.
Years ago, there was a piece in National Geographic about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. An Italian man, commenting on the prevalence of FAS in the United States said, "Here in Italy, we drink to celebrate. In your country, you celebrate as an excuse to drink." That's about right, as I see it.
In the Seventies, many states lowered the legal age to purchase. The experiment was an abysmal failure, as a national law went into effect raising it to 21 back in the mid-Eighties.
When I was in high school, the legal age to buy alcohol had been lowered to 18. Many of my classmates were buying, using, and sometimes abusing alcohol. I remember one of our teachers saying it was a mistake to lower the legal purchasing age. "But Mr. _____, we old enough to die for our country in a war, but not old enough to drink? And in Europe they give kids watered down wine with meals!" (Vietnam war was ongoing at the time)
And Mr. ____ had answers for that - good ones. He said, "I'll bet you can't produce a person who went into a bar in uniform and was denied a drink. Secondly, in Europe, it's true, sometimes kids are given watered down wine. I've been to Europe, though. The way YOU guys act when you're drinking - because I hear the stories - you guys think it's a huge joke. In Europe people would be embarrassed by the things you do when you're drunk, and their families would too. "
We live in a country that (mostly) laughed hysterically at Dean Martin and his interactions with Foster Brooks (who won an Emmy for portraying a drunk! on that show). I doubt you'd see old Jerry Lewis in one of his roles as a mentally challenged person: we've outgrown thinking that's funny. But drinking; we're just not there yet.
Years ago, there was a piece in National Geographic about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. An Italian man, commenting on the prevalence of FAS in the United States said, "Here in Italy, we drink to celebrate. In your country, you celebrate as an excuse to drink." That's about right, as I see it.
In the Seventies, many states lowered the legal age to purchase. The experiment was an abysmal failure, as a national law went into effect raising it to 21 back in the mid-Eighties.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 21
I’ve been to Alanon but my kids haven’t been. My oldest doesn’t think it’s necessary. We are meeting with a therapist today for a family counseling session. She specializes in addiction issues and told me that she will see where the kids are at and make her recommendations from there.
I thought I’d be relieved to have this upcoming appointment, but I’m actually feeling nervous and sad. I now understand that I’ve been in denial too.
I thought I’d be relieved to have this upcoming appointment, but I’m actually feeling nervous and sad. I now understand that I’ve been in denial too.
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