ironwill

So my RW hit her two year AA sobriety anniversary today. I am very proud and happy that she has stuck to it. Though I am also having a hard time today with it, cause it also a reminder of a time she lied, manipulated, and cheated on me. While early on in her recovery it was heavy on my heart and mind of what she had done to me. I have with al anon and time come to forgive her of these things and they are not a focus in my heart and mind like they use to. Don't get me wrong, it will still creep up every now and then (usually when mowing for some reason), but it only last a minute or two and then it subsides. Though today on her anniversary, she decided to post on social media her trial and tribulations of her ordeal and what brought her to AA and what helped her through it. While this was hard for her admit, and I proud of her to find the courage to post it to help other people that might be in the same boat. In her post she thanks AA, her sponsor and therapist for helping her through this time. I realize this is her journey and this is how she see's it. It just stings a little to not get any recognition for the support I have given her these two years. I am reminded of Hopeful4 quote "I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received". Like the quote, I have never received an apology for the hurt that was caused in my heart for the things she did. I just need to be strong and be thankful for the woman she has become today.

Thanks for letting me vent, I love my wife and glad that she is one of the few that could turn her life around and come to terms with the disease. She takes it one day at a time, just like I do. We will celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary on Thursday. It might not have happened if it wasn't for all the great people that are on the board that helped me early on in my journey. For that I will always be in your debt.

To all the people that come to SR and read this. Take it one day at a time also and know you are stronger then you realize and we are here to help.

Have a beautiful day.

Bute

You don't need to be strong, you ARE strong. Your username is very apt, you have a will of iron.
It's wonderful that your wife has 2 years under her belt, but I also felt sad, that she appears to have failed to recognise your support of her.
You are a powerful and intelligent man, to think as you do.
Many congratulations to you both, when your anniversary arrives.
Much Love
Bute x

Ariesagain

IW, my sincere congratulations to your wife. Two years is an amazing accomplishment and she is beating enormous odds. Bravo!

I wonder about you, though? I realize that I may be reading a lot into one post, but your feelings about being disregarded for all you’ve done and gone through during her recovery are very valid. You sound…lonely? Definitely hurt.

If you’re still stuffing your feelings down in order not to rock the boat, maybe it’s time to change that habit and tell her how you feel? The social media stuff may have just been an oversight, but if she is taking your staunch support and forgiveness for granted, it might be time to work on that now, maybe with the help of a couples’ therapist?

Recovery is, at its core, very self-centric. It’s been two years of her focusing on herself, which was a necessary part of the process. But now giving your relationship the same level of attention might be a good thing.

You’re a good guy and even if others don’t recognize what you’ve been through, everyone here does. So here’s to you!

dandylion

ironwill......Ariesagain just took most of the words right out of my mouth.
My first reaction to your post was, also----why don't you just tell her? After all, marriage is a special relationship, of such intimacy, that, feelings are a huge part of it.
If you don't tell her, how will she ever know?
LOl...if you do decide to tell her---make sure that you stick to only "I" statements--and avoid all "you" statements.
It shouldn't have to be a big production---you could simply state what you are feeling in a couple of sentences.
I don't know her personality, of course----maybe it is that she is not a very demonstrative person---one that doesn't emote tender emotions, easily.
Well, if that IS the case---perhaps this is an area that she could use some growth and practice in. It could be her chance to strengthen the marital bonds.

I must say---as I have followed your posts, from the beginning---I have often marveled at your tenacity!
I know that you had to forgive a lot of hurt---a lot. I think it may be healthier for you to express this fresh hurt--rather than just stuff it.
This may be an opportunity to let her know that you are a human---not a machine.....

Eauchiche

I admire the both of you. You are an inspiration to the rest of us.
The feelings you experience from time to time are opportunities for more healing.
We are all a work in progress, after all.

trailmix

Hi Ironwill, I'm happy for you both.

Yes, mowing the lawn (peeling potatoes, staring out the window) times when our mind isn't really engaged are times when these things tend to creep up. It's probably worth taking some quiet time to focus on how you feel about all that.

I am going to imagine that she is stinging from all this too. The regret is, possibly, huge. Sometimes I say, when your loved one is going through active alcoholism, the mean hurtful things, the disregard for their friends, family and partner etc etc and all else they do - they are living all of that too. It's not a get out of jail free card, of course. That is not to say that an apology/amends are not due or wouldn't be welcome. I hope you two can discuss that at some point.

Refiner

Hi Ironwill, so great to hear of a rare success story of your wife getting sober. I can understand the hurt you feel of not receiving any recognition for standing by her through the addiction hell she put you through, also. As you know, addicts are very selfish and once an addict, always an addict as every day is a née battle to stay sober. That addiction will always be #1 in her life, not you. So it’s nice that you are hopefully able to love her unconditionally to always have another #1. But your nagging thoughts about being dissed just really jumped out at me. Just wanted to post as others reading may not understand all the nuances to expect that comes with sobriety.

Nd819

Iron, congratulations to your wife, and to you for sticking by her and getting through this time, I certainly know it could not have been an easy road. I would feel exactly the same way, sort of like when an actor receives an Academy Award and forgets to thank their spouse. Even though I am sure there was no ill intent it would feel like a bit of a slap in the face. I would definitely speak with her, I am sure you will feel better and hopefully get to a place of better understanding. It's interesting, the other day I was browsing the Newcomers to Recovery forum and I was struck by how different it reads from this one, here we are so totally focused on our qualifier and there they are totally focused on themselves. I saw almost no instances where the posters discussed how their drinking effected their loved ones. No judgement here, just an observation and probably a reminder to me on where my focus should be . Best of luck to you, 2 years really is a huge accomplishment!

case762

Congratulations to you sir for getting this far! You're an inspiration to me. My girlfriend/fiance of four years is currently in rehab for her second time and I caught her in a romantic/silly relationship with a guy there. I get the feeling maybe that's behind us, but it's painful, and it reminds me of all the pain she's caused me up to this point with all the lies. It's literally a day-by-day process for me to forgive when I have no reason to believe she's still not lying to me. Maybe she isn't, but I won't ever know that. And now I'm staring down the barrel of her coming home while I'm overseas with the military. I know the feeling of lack of appreciation we do for our loved ones. I don't know what the right word is to describe the process you've gone through. Perseverance doesn't seem to really capture it. But to see another man with that strength gives me hope I can do it too. We're not married but I've committed myself to her but of course questioning if I even should. I know one thing, if we stay together, there's going to have to be some couple's therapy for both of us. I can't bury those feelings. I hope you can find the support and help you need to let go of those feelings.

ItsNotYou2

I sometimes wonder if the A just cannot bring themselves to acknowledge and verbalize the hurt to those very closest to them because it hits that close to their own fragile hearts. I'm having trouble articulating this properly, but I honestly believe the sentiment is there, but so deep and so close to hurt, the A feels too vulnerable to verbalize it...?

I have also come to realize through my own journey that while my qualifiers never drank because of me, they also never recovered because of me. In fact, the ones recovering still are whether I'm there or not. The ones still using still are, whether I'm there or not. So, my own worth is just in the love I have for each of them in the best way I know how, and that's an ever evolving process, too.

You have been by her side through all of this, and we know what iron will that takes. Keep succeeding!! We'll cheer you on.

mylifeismine

I had that conversation with my RAH about 1 1/2 years into recovery.
It was a good thing to do, not the easiest, but it's not something that
pops into my thoughts anymore to sadden my mood like it was doing.
I started out by reflecting on all the good things that had happened
since he stopped drinking and began active recovery, and of course
the list is long Then I spoke about my experience of it all, and how
it impacted me. I had to stress that it was not to make him feel bad
or guilty or like a POS, but it was my turn to get some things off my
heart so I could move forward, and that I knew he couldn't "heal" me
anymore than I could heal him, but my need was to express these
things and no longer feel I existed in a vacuum all those years with
only alanon friends and my therapist to hear my experience. I gave
alot of thought to what I wanted to say, which for a codependent is
a very good exercise in "knowing" yourself, and kept it brief.
The truth is that much of what happened is not even remembered
by the alcoholic but my RAH was sincere when he apologized for
the pain and hurt he had caused.

As others have said, they don't stop drinking because of or for you.
They have to do it for themselves, and in my RAH's case, he lost a
brother and lifelong friend within one years time to alcohol. Getting
older himself, he accepted he would die from it as well if he didn't
stop.

FallenAngelina

I have noticed this stark difference, myself. Good eye.

PeacefulWater12

Funny you posted this, then Fallen Angelina commented on it, this exact thought has been on my mind and I had meant to post it too but just hadn't got around to it yet.

Yeah, you look, there is virtually never any mention of upsetting others!!! Now, to me, that tells a biiiiiiiig story. One us codies could all do with learning from.

We tie ourselves in knots about what they do and what they say. Trying to figure it out, find hidden meaning, ask for advice on how to deal with it, meanwhile the person doing the doing does not give it a second thought

All of this is our sickness playing out. Hence why we need to seek recovery for ourselves.

I am generalising of course but - A's posts are often all I I I I I I I I I I I!

Codies posts are often all - him/her him/her him/her him/her

mylifeismine

PW, yes the addictions at play can easily be spotted on these forums.
I love to see " but what are YOU going to do about it" here.

PeacefulWater12

I am finding this to be true, My Life is Mine.

Once I started to be able to SEE it, I could then SEE more and more. At one time, I could not see it. It was there right in front of me but I could not see it.

My sponsor says this to me, once you can see, you can then not unsee. It all becomes very glaring!

Also often there is reams and reams written in one post about what is going on but once you can SEE it, the whole A4 post could accurately be summed up in one sentence. The actual root of it is one sentence. Which then usually has a very clear one sentence solution.

We learn so much from each other. It is such a gift.

ironwill

So before I had come home from work yesterday, my RW replied to comments I made to her post. I said " I know it's been a journey for you and i am so proud of you. Keep taking it one day at a time." She replied with emoji kisses and heart and telling me "I couldn't have done it without your support".

So why she didn't say it in her original post, she does know of my support of her. Also @Ariesagain I am definitely not lonely. With 1 loving wife, 5 kids, 1 useless boyfriend of one of the daughters (story for another time), 3 dogs, and 3 cats. no time to be lonely in my house. @Dandylion not a machine. I am much more open with my feelings with my wife then I use to be. I'm not afraid to let her know how i am feeling like i use to be. We talk a lot more and I don't stuff things that are important to me down. @Trailmix I do take time out to focus on things when it comes up. Though i can't say those thoughts have ever happened while peeling potatoes.

I hope everyone is staying strong and thanks for all the support. Keep taking it one day at a time.

trailmix

Dear ironwill,

Then you aren't peeling enough potatoes.

lol

Although how you have time to think at all with all those people cats/dogs in your life, I can't say! It sounds happy though.

SoloMio

AH has been sober since November 2020. The last time he was sober was 2000-2004, when it was a Pax Familia--a very peaceful time as a family (forgive the Latin).

It took another 16 years or so to get to that point again: and it was the doctor telling him he had 2-5 years to live because of his cirrhosis. Also, his participation in his daughter's wedding was a major f-up.

To his great credit he sobered up starting in November, and he has lost a ton of weight, gained a tremendous amount of energy, and has rebuilt relationships. He was able to avert a TIPS procedure, and he is on a healthcare mission for himself.

I'm proud, I'm happy for him, all is well with our relationship, but all of a sudden, I have flames of resentment. I'm still working, at 69 years old, to make up for all the money he spent related to drinking while he does what he wants. I am shocked by my response to his sobriety. At my age, I should be thrilled that maybe I have a dear companion to share the last years of my life with me. Instead, I feel trapped again. Trapped by my work life. Trapped by needing to still walk on eggshells to prevent a relapse. Trapped by his needs and my difficulty in recognizing mine.

I'm just saying I know how you feel, and I remember in the early 90s going to rehab with him and hearing about how the mobile will do a different dance when the alcoholic is sober, and we have to watch out for that. So here I am, 30 years later, and recalling that. I'm vigilant in terms of my self-awareness, and that's why I'm back here.

Thank you for sharing.